Friday, February 10, 2006

So earlier this week an innocent PR flack lost his job at NASA all because he stood up to oppressive orthodox scientists by telling em they had to imply the big bang didn’t happen. And because he tried to stifle a climate scientist and lied about flunkin outta college on his resume. But let’s go back to the big bang! Why isn’t NASA talkin about alternative explanations, like intelligent design and theoretical Jesumatology? If NASA sticks to the same ol big bang theory, we’re just stuck explorin borin ol planets an moldy ol black holes. But fresh new alternative theories have lead to NASA’s most excitin exploratory mission in the last few years: launchin a space probe into God.

NASA’s Falwell-7 capsule is scheduled to hit the Godian surface in late 2006, greatly advancing our knowledge of theoretical Godstronomy. There’s no telling what age-old scientific riddles we might answer! Is God made outta pure holiness an communion wafers or does he have an iron-nickel core? Does God have water deposits and a breathable atmosphere? Did God condense out of the same nebular gas as our own sun billions a years ago or did he drift into orbit shortly after the formation of the earth? We have so much to learn!

Now I know what you’re thinkin. You’re thinkin “Sure the God Probe’s gonna be good for pure Godmological science, but what’s it gonna do for me?” Well you can bet there’ll be plenty a practical applications for all the fascinatin discoveries we make, like harnessing the power of Holy Ghostions for quick bread-to-Jesus conversion, or making devil-resistent tank armor outta new Godmium alloys. We could even mine God’s surface to provide a source of cheap, renewable holiness that could help eliminate America’s dependence on foreign oil! In just a couple years you could safely drive to work in a Jesus-powered car on the very first God colony.

But none a that can happen if NASA decides to ban Godmological studies. And that doesn’t just mean budget cuts for promising new programs like the Angel Rover, the Superconducting Saint Collider and the underwater Satan’s Nostrilmarine. It also means canceling America’s first manned mission to God – and letting the Russians get there first so they can turn Jesus into a communist, just like Karl Marx always wanted. “Ho ho, a specter is haunting Europe,” says cryogenically-frozen Karl Marx Head, “and it is the specter of Commie Space Jesus!” Don’t let Frozen Marx Head win, America! Free God now!


posted by fafnir at 6:38 PM

I'm just going through some of the old posts, there's so much awesomeness to find. This one's a particular highlight.


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