Tuesday, August 2, 2005
Attention Mr. President:
Giblets has news - SCIENCE news! - that will shake you to the very core of your being, that will render you a gibbering lump of stammering flab with the power of revelatory truth!
Last week Giblets was reclining on the grassy banks of an elysian river when he made an alarming scientific discovery: clouds aren't shaped like clouds, they're shaped like stuff. Look! That one looks like a moose, that one's a monkey, and that one is exactly the spitting and glorious image of Giblets rendered in living cloudflesh! "I dunno," says Fafnir. "That cloud looks like a cloud." Amazing, what are the odds! Conventional meteorology is useless in the face of these amazing stuffological anomalies. The only explanation that makes ANY SENSE AT ALL is that these clouds were designed - INTELLIGENTLY designed - by some intelligent cloud-shaper in the sky!
"Giblets you have blown my puny mind!" you say. Yes yes Giblets's revelations shock you to your presidential core, but there's MORE!
The other day Giblets was looking for his glasses but he could not find them anywhere! After hours of searching Giblets was about to give up when he found them on top of his very head. How did they get there? It is an unsolved mystery which science is powerless to solve! The only rational explanation: these glasses were intelligently designed on my head by an intelligent designer with vast and unfathomable powers! "You don't have glasses," says Fafnir. Even more incredible - they are glasses ex nihilo!
Possibly related: an intelligent coin-designer may have secretly hidden seventy-three cents in the cushions of Giblets's couch.
"Giblets you have shattered my reasoned and ordered worldview into a thousand splintering pieces with your hammer of unyielding truth!" says you. Silence you have only heard the tip of the iceberg! What comes next is the most important scientific discovery in the history of history.
Just yesterday Giblets was strolling through the woods and screaming at animals - what are they doing in Giblets's woods! - when Giblets just happened to accidentally step on an eagle. Giblets couldn't throw it out because there were no eagle recycling centers around; Giblets couldn't dump it on the ground because it would leave unsightly eagle stains all over his woods. But just a few feet away was a lake, so Giblets just threw the big ol' bird in there and it sank straight to the bottom, no muss no fuss.
Now, here's the question: how did the lake know Giblets needed to throw out a dead eagle?
The only answer: it was designed. Intelligently designed to be near Giblets when he stepped on an eagle. Giblets stepped on several cats on the way home to further confirm this hypothesis. Giblets has repeated this experiment many times with reproducible results.
What is obviously needed is a massive overhaul of the national education system to make sure children are taught the existence of intelligent designers in school, overseen by Giblets. To think they could go ignorant of the origin of bunny-shaped cirrus formations when the evidence around them is overwhelming! Look at this box and this soup and this inkblot! Look, you just just make out a beard! Everywhere, everywhere!
Labels: super science
posted by Giblets at 1:22 PM