Wednesday, November 9, 2005

So last night we lost Dover, Pennsylvania - but thanks to our good friends in Topeka, Kansas, an increasingly creative interpretation of the word "intelligent" still lives on! In that spirit, Giblets is proud to present, in conjunction with the Kansas Board of Education, a bold new educational theory which will one day enlighten classrooms across the nation, from the utterly foolish to the simply gullible: Intelligent History.

Conventional "theories" of history teach that "stuff happened," which is insolent and implies that we are nothing but random accidents. But Giblets has found definitive proof that history is intelligent, and has worked over the course of millenia towards one singular purpose: the creation of Giblets! Think of everything that had to happen in order for Giblets to be born! Mom Giblets and Dad Giblets had to meet, Grampa Giblets had to flee the great turducken blight back in the Old Country, Napoleon had to destabilize the Gibletsian economy with his unsound policy of weevil regulation. Yes, the birth of Giblets is so unlikely it can only be explained as the supernatural action of a nearly-divine agent acting over the course of thousands of centuries in a way that looks exactly like a bunch of random stuff!

This ingenius new theory will revolutionize the way we see history and indeed life itself! What was the cause of the American Civil War? Giblets. Why did Bismarck publish the Ems dispatch? Because of Giblets. What caused the collapse of the Weimar Republic? Political instability and economic depression which would eventually result in Giblets.

Looking back on history it becomes obvious that there has been a mysterious plan all along, and that plan has been all about me. And to think you get the honor of learning a theory I thought up myself! Congratulations, you!

Intelligent History will become a mandatory element of primary education for all students. Giblets is a tolerant Giblets, however, and will allow alternate theories of history to be taught side by side along with IH. For example, the following intriguing hypotheses may also be valid:

Young Earth History. Giblets cannot remember anything happening before he was born - so how does he know it happened at all? The answer: it didn't! The universe was created along with Giblets at the moment of Giblets's birth, and consists of a collection of clever animatronic puppets created for his amusement. Dance for Giblets, universe! Dance for Giblets NOOOOOOW!

History Dreamtime. Did history really happen, or is Giblets dreaming it right now? How can he tell? Perhaps you are a figment of Giblets. Are you an offensive figment or a pleasant figment? Discuss.

The Egg of History. In the beginning was the Great Galactic Giblets who laid the cosmic egg. Out of it hatched Giblets, who gave birth to Giblets. Then came the Machine Lords! The cycle is never-ending.

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posted by Giblets at 9:08 AM




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