Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Christian right has a long and illustrious history of confronting some of the greatest threats to America's moral security - the terror of zygoticide-on-demand, the pernicious civil-rightsification of marriage - but recently these watchful wackjobs have faced a far more dire danger: a looming lack of cervical cancer.

A safe, new vaccine threatens to protect women from harmful strains of the human papilloma virus, the primary cause of cervical cancer in the United States. By reducing the risk of sexually-transmitted death, the vaccine threatens to reduce the fear of premarital sex - further staining America's once lily-white purity, already tainted beyond recognition by effective birth control, gay rights, and the repeal of anti-miscegenation laws.

Worse still, the dark and perverted forces of Big Health want to make this vaccine mandatory, seducing America's daughters with the possibility of rampant, hedonistic, tumor-free sex. Yes, it may be healthier. Yes, it may save lives. But what use is one's life if one's soul is marred with the unholy blemish of vaginaness? Thus do we learn the stakes of Dobson's Wager: better to repent and die of disease in the name of Hypothetical Heaven then to live a full and healthy life of sin at the risk of Hypothetical Hell.

Of course, cervical cancer is only the tip of the iceberg. Were a vaccine to end the AIDS epidemic, could a much more terrifying sex-having epidemic be far behind? If universal health care makes affordable heart surgery available on a widespread scale, would it not make the sin of gluttony that much more tempting? If America hadn't rushed into an ill-conceived imperial venture in Iraq, would the ensuing spike in terror recruitment so focus humanity's thoughts on the hereafter? God created death and disease to provide a divine disincentive against soul-sullying sin. Can America afford to innoculate its children, insure its poor, and make peace with its neighbors if it means not living in fear of an insane, invisible overseer in the sky who barks at his creation in a series of mad, contradictory myths? Absolutely not. God bless the plague!

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:48 PM




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