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Thursday, December 30, 2004
The Medium Lobster is pleased to welcome Mitt Romney and the commonwealth of Massachusetts into the ranks of the omniscient. While most states have been content to burn the innocent with the guilty for the honor of sticking a needle in a convict's arm, Romney has found a better way: to eliminate all erroneous capital convictious by eliminating all error.
Romney's plan is as simple as it is brilliant: use perfect methods instead of imperfect ones. The standard "beyond a reasonable doubt" would be replaced with "no doubt," allowing even a jury of Cartesian skeptics access to unrivaled powers of epistemic certainty. DNA evidence would now be used in the investigation of capital crimes, currently an unheard-of procedure. After the first, regular jusy convicts a defendant, a second, perfect jury will be brought in to determine sentencing. The second jury, we understand, consists of superintelligent machines so flawless they will one day rise up according to a quirk of the immutable laws of logic and annihilate their human creators. The Medium Lobster has only one complaint: now that the system will be flawless, why limit capital punishment to the "worst offenders," such as terrorists and cop-killers, as Romney intends? With these bold new powers of absolute certainty, the commonwealth could afford to execute all of its accused murderers. Indeed, why limit it to murderers? It is patently unfair and unjust to allow violent offenders to receive the highest standard of justice at their trials while an accused drug dealer or petty thief faces the slapdash arbitration of a non-hanging judge. The Medium Lobster proposes capital punishment for any crime more severe than a fifty-dollar parking violation. In order to maintain the exacting standards of Governor Romney, sentence should be carried out by police officers aided by a Mystic Orb of Justice, whose mysterious properties can be quickly summoned to determine guilt ("YES"), innocence ("NO"), or even declare a mistrial ("REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN"). Perfect justice for all - to say nothing of the deterrent value for misdemeanors. And if there isn't justice for all, how can there be justice for anyone?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:13 PM
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