Monday, December 13, 2004
There's only twelve more shoppin days till Christmas an you know what that means! It means Santa's already outside our house tryin to eat me.
"Ho ho ho!" says Santa. "Now, now, Fafnir, be a good little boy and let Santa in! He has so many presents to give you!"
"Oh no Santa you're not gettin in that easy," says me. "You don't wanna really gimme presents. You just wanna eat me."
"Wait a second," says Giblets. "What kinda presents we talkin about here?"
"Because you were an extra good little Giblets this year, Santa brought you everything on your Christmas list!" says Santa. "Now who wants to open up the door and let Santa in?"
"Oooh! Oooh! Me me me!" says Giblets. "I wanna bicycle, an a train set, and a massively overpriced anti-ballistic missile system, an a Giblosapien!"
"Giblets it's a trap!" says me. "Santa's just tryin to lure us outside so he can temporarily sate his unholy appetite for Fafnirs an Gibletses!"
"But... but a Giblosapien!" says Giblets. "It's a high-tech robot toy Giblets that bosses you around and makes you buy more robot toy Gibletses! And I need it!"
"We can make a pretend Giblosapien for you," says me. "With the unbridled power of imagination!"
"Imagination is futile!" says Giblets. "Reading Rainbow told me my imagination could take me anywhere but when Giblets's plane crashed in the Andes his powers of psychokinetic teleportation were useless! He had to eat three soccer teams to survive! Giblets blames you for his taste for human flesh, Levar Burton!"
"Did you know he ate Maya Angelou on the set of Roots?" says me.
"An she was never heard from again," says Giblets.
"Ho ho ho! Merry Kwanzaa!" says Santa. "It's me, the Kwanzaa Fairy, here to bring you delicious egg nog and Kwanzaa presents, if you'll just open the door!"
"Yeeees! Delicious Kwanzaa!" says Giblets.
"Wait just a second," says me. "How do we know you're the REAL Kwanzaa Fairy an not somebody else? Tell us somethin only the Kwanzaa Fairy could know."
"Yeah," says Giblets. "Like why do we celebrate Kwanzaa?"
"To celebrate the day when... baby Kwanzaa was born?" says Santa.
"No that's wrong and a lie!" says me. "Baby Kwanzaa was most likely born in early September in the first century CE but we celebrate it on December 26th because it replaced the pagan festival of Neptunitis. You're not the Kwanzaa Fairy at all you're Santa still tryin to eat us!"
"Hellfire and damnation!" says Santa. "I hunger! I HUNGER!"
"Do you really have Kwanzaa presents though?" says Giblets.
"Um... yes?" says Santa.
"Well come on in!" says me. "Have some milk an cookies. Wait! No!"
"A pox upon your blood!" says Santa.
"I hate Christmas," says Giblets.
posted by fafnir at 7:29 AM