Thursday, December 9, 2004

Every now and then Giblets will go outside on a cloudless winter night and gaze into the starry heavens and think about the vastness of space and wonder: is it possible to blow up stuff up there?

It looks like Giblets's question may be answered with the intelligence reform bill, which might have set aside huge gobs of money to arm spy satellites. Now, Giblets knows what you're thinking. You're thinking "won't people be upset that we are floating spy satellites with weapons on them over their countries," well Giblets has two responses to that. One, Giblets doesn't care about those other countries. He's never been to most of them and as of a year or so ago he's decided staying here forever is probably a good idea. Two, we are not putting weapons on our satellites to threaten other countries (although that would kick ass). We are putting weapons on our satellites to protect our satellites. Y'know. From space terrorists.

If there's anything the terrorists want to blow up, it's stuff in space. Because the terrorists hate Freedom and you can't get any freer than when you're in space. Giblets assumes the terrorists would attack our satellites by launching their own evil terrorist space shuttle armed with missiles and deadly terrorist lasers, like in that old episode of GI Joe. Also terrorists might decide to take over an island using robot dinosaurs, or clone a "super-terrorist emperor" from the genetic material of dead terrorists.

Of course some party-poopers are saying this is a stupid, bad, wasteful idea. Giblets doesn't have time for that kinda pre-9/11 mindset! We're at war with terrorists - terrorists who may already have rocket technology, who may already be putting their first man in space, who may beat us to the moon! - and if we don't put missiles on satellites they will! If you outlaw Cold War-style orbital space weapons only the outlaws will have Cold War-style orbital space weapons.
posted by Giblets at 1:58 AM




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