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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
So I'm paintin on the side of a buildin workin on my epic graffiti mural Mr Mumfrey Makes Toast when a piece a paint falls off an I see a big plastic brick behind it. "Huh, that's funny," says me. "Didn't know they were makin buildins outta plastic."
Next day I'm walkin the dog an I notice I'm not really walkin him as much as draggin him cause he seems all stiff an plasticky, an first I'm all worried about the dog before I figure out it's just he's made a plastic. "That's a neat trick dog," says me. The dog makes the kinda bark plastic makes an I walk him down a plastic sidewalk. Day after that I'm sittin in the park tryin to eat a pretzel only it is much harder, more rigid, an harder to chew than my usual pretzel when I see a buncha guys movin a tree an replacin it with a clever plastic replacement tree. I run over to stop em an Speak For The Trees only I can't on accounta my mouth's fulla plastic pretzel. The plastic tree guys grab me an throw me in their plastic car an drive off to a big plastic building to face the clever plastic conspiracy that's replacin the world with plastic! When I get there the clever plastic conspiracy's just sittin there made a plastic. I move em around an speak for em. "Oh Fafnir you've been a bad Fafnir figurin out our plastic conspiracy," I make the plastic conspiracy guys go. Then I get bored an go home. Back home Giblets is bossin the dog but the dog won't do anythin back. "Insolent dog," says Giblets. Labels: the planets
posted by fafnir at 3:50 PM
It's been almost two years since we liberated Iraq and all Giblets hears from these new free Iraqis is complaints. Whine, whine, whine, nag, nag, nag, bombing, bombing, bombing! Oh, we have no electricity! Oh, we have no potable water! Oh, our relatives are being raped and tortured and killed! To think that this is all the thanks Giblets gets after working and slaving over a hot military-industrial complex to bury your infrastructure!
Well, Giblets "dares to discipline." Even the most unruly and ungrateful young colony can be knocked back into shape with a little tough love. The love of a good death squad. After months of pussyfooting around with indefinite detentions, beatings and sexual humiliation, the US military is considering starting up "Special Forces-led assassination or kidnapping squads" in Iraq, and it's about damn time. As one military source told Newsweek, "The Sunni population is paying no price for the support it is giving to the terrorists. From their point of view, it is cost-free. We have to change that equation." Very true. Right now the only price Iraqis are paying is a wasted infrastructure, a looming civil war, and a civilian death toll of at least fifteen thousand bodies. If they're gonna cry over that spilled milk, then let's give 'em something to really cry about! Giblets bets they'll be just begging to go back to chemically-burnt genitalia once they've had a couple weeks of roving death squads killing their friends and relatives! The same old liberal pansies are gonna say "oh but I do not like killing lots of people because I am a great big girl." But if we don't go slaughtering Sunnis en masse in an organized terror campaign, how will they ever learn to respect their boundaries, obey their elders, and become a stable pro-Western democracy? This is the same lesson America learned from George Washington when he ended the Whiskey Rebellion by crucifying half the state of Pennsylvania on his front lawn. So don't spare the rod, military! Years from now, when it is all grown up, Iraq will thank us for our loving disciplinarian approach. Just ask Nicaragua and Iran!
posted by Giblets at 10:17 AM
Sunday, January 9, 2005
Open your browsers, brothers and sisters. Today's text will be the testimony of Alberto Gonzales. Today's sermon will be on the subject of mercy and justice.
As Brother Gonzales teaches us, our President is a fearsome President: he "does not engage in torture and will not condone torture" - but he could if he wanted to, for it is within his awesome power. He will "honor the Geneva Conventions whenever they apply" - but Brother Gonzales does not know, or cannot tell us, just how often they do not apply, for these are Sacred Mysteries of the Mind of Bush, which is unknowable to ordinary men. Should we stray beyond the mercy afforded by his Presidential Grace, we will find ourselves facing the full force of his almighty wrath, and the legal-yet-undefined interrogation methods which are most certainly not torture. There are those heathens who rage at the power of the President, asking what right he has to allow our ear canals to be burnt with cigarettes, our genitals to be burned with chemical lights, or our bodies to be stuffed into oil drums. This is the oldest sin: rebellion against the power of the President, which caused Man to become a depraved creature worshiping false idols and believing in intrinsic human rights. And my brothers and sisters, that depravity so disgusts the President that each of us has earned a place in a Gitmo of the heart. We are dangled over the possibility of indefinite detention and torture like spiders over a flame by the hand of an angry President, and only his mercy and restraint can save us now. It is not that Bush chooses to have us tortured; it is that he chooses, through his awesome and Presidential love, to not have us tortured. Now that is a miracle! Are you Bush-fearing men and women, my brethren? Does holy terror of the Spirit of the Commander-in-Chief live in your hearts tonight? Behold, the Bush administration stands at the door and knocks, and if any hear its voice, it will kick the door down and have them beaten in Syria. Let us pray. Labels: securitainment, the king of freedom
posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:19 PM
Hello there an welcome to another edition of Alberto Gonzales Versus A Baked Potato! Today we'll rate the president's nominee for attorney general against a plump oven-hot starchy vegetable.
BACKSTORY Alberto Gonzales: Risen from humble roots, member of oppressed minority Baked potato: member of the Solanaceae family Advantage: GONZALES EVIL Alberto Gonzales: No longer pro-torture! Still pro-omnipotent executive branch. Baked potato: Product of the corrupt agribusiness industry Advantage: POTATO USEFULNESS TO THE PRESIDENT Alberto Gonzales: Loyal Bush family retainer, but easily replaced with novelty "You da man!" talking keychain Baked potato: Delicious with steak, but even better mashed Advantage: DRAW POWERS AND ABILITIES Alberto Gonzales: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody. Baked potato: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody, and is covered with hot melted butter and sour cream! Advantage: POTATO Decision: POTATO Wow, we gotta say this was a real blowout in the end! We expect the president to drop Gonzales in the next coupla days an announce a baked potato as his new man in the Justice Department... unless of course President Bush has bigger ideas for our starchy jurist. Rehnquist can't hold out forever! Labels: shmorture
posted by fafnir at 4:05 PM
Thursday, January 6, 2005
So Giblets is sitting down in front of the library TV with a box of commandeered Cheezoids to enjoy the intellectual repaste that is CNN's Crossfire when he sees a news item telling him that soon there will BE no Crossfire! Outrage, perfidy, treason! What will replace it? Coverage of actual news? Can you even CALL it "news" without whack-a-mole sound effects, cartoonish repetition of talking points and a prompted studio audience? Delirium, lunacy, madness!
Oh sure, maybe if CNN does more reporting and less commenting it will "inform the public" more. But what does informing the public have to do with journalism? Tucker Carlson is a "great journalist" and he's spent the last five years making dingle bell noises at Paul Begala. But he did it with a trademark smarm and overpowering obnoxiousness that left Giblets coming back for more! Journalism isn't supposed to tell Giblets what's going on. It's supposed to entertain him! So Crossfire had crap ratings. That's nothing a little back-to-basics reporter gumption can't fix! Change the format a little - a mud pit instead of a desk, Begala and Novak rolling on the ground in speedos, James Carville oiled and naked wrestling a greased pig! Now THAT'S the Fourth Estate! But CNN has forfeited its journalistic integrity and thus its hold upon Giblets! His eyes are now only fit for serious news shows now such as Fox News, Hardball, Scarborough Country, and Girls Gone Wild: America Uncovered. Animus, umbrage, fie!
posted by Giblets at 4:02 PM
LIKE A PHOOOOEEEEEENIX FROM THE ASSSSSSHESSSS! You guys are the bestest blog readers ever and we love you with all our hearts.
posted by fafnir at 1:34 PM
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
"An so I says to the man in the mustard 'well if you think you know so much about radishes how come you don't ask THEM about it' but he just sits there in his mustard lookin angry an askin me for exact change which I don't have a course cause I loaned it to the radishes only they're not sayin anythin about it cause you know how they are," says me to the phone.
"You speak to no one!" says Giblets. "The phone company has disconnected us from phone an internet an cut us off from the outside world!" "Don't be silly Giblets," says me. "I'm talkin to Colonel Whatsis. He's down at the Gentlemen's Club tellin stories about the Big War!" "Colonel Whatsis is old and dead and has been dead for ages!" says Giblets. "He died of old age and death and being dead!" "That's not true at all," says me. "Besides why would the phone company disconnect me from Colonel Whatsis without tellin me right in the middle a important stuff like talkin to Colonel Whatsis?" "Because they are evil and stupid and are enemies of Giblets to which Giblets will lay waste with fire and sword!" says Giblets in his Roman war helmet. "But you can't right now," says me. "On accounta normal business hours." "Oh yes the business hours," says Giblets. "But once the customer service line is up again oh the havok and wardogs Giblets will unleash!" "Colonel Whatsis has a funny story about wardogs but he hasn't told it in a while," says me. We're back but postin's gonna be light till we fix this thing with the Colonel.
posted by fafnir at 6:58 PM
Saturday, January 1, 2005
 You look tired after a long hard year. Here you go. Have a fresh baked pie. It will be delicious!Oh sure maybe last year's pie was a little old an moldy. Maybe it was kinda sour an nasty an eaten by bugs. But it was your pie, and now you have a new one! The New Year Pie is prepared in secret and its taste is shrouded in mystery. Will it be lemon merangue or peanut butter ketchup? Chocolate raspberry cream or rubber strawberry surprise? You won't know till you take a bite. I'm hopin for a scrumptious lime-omelette double-crust! One a these days we're gonna get those right. Happy New Year! Eat your pie. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 5:49 PM
Friday, December 31, 2004
Some old dead guy once said that a year is a feast of days that we should savor one by one. If that's true then somebody already got to 2004 before Giblets did, probably a large foul-smelling barnyard animal, and it is now sitting in a steaming pile of crap on Giblets's front porch.
Giblets was even less satisfied with 2004 than he was by 2003. Where was Giblets's money! His power! His rap video mansions with their multitudes of ass-cheek-bearing hos! Instead Giblets saw debt and stupidity and headaches and annoying people and sickness and unemployment! Instead of a bountiful harvest of fanciful delights Giblets was presented with a veritable smorgasbord of pungent aromatic mastodon feces! And Giblets is not alone! What has 2004 done for anyone? Democrats got to get whupped by Republicans. Republicans got to completely sell out everything it means to be a Republican. Iraqis got to get tortured, blown up, and shot at. American troops got to get blown up, shot at, and stuck in Iraq underpaid. Doves got a war they didn't like. Hawks got to not like the war. Gays got marriage rights - in Massachusetts - at least a hundred and thirty six years late. The religious right got to stomp all over gays and watch Jim Caviezel get nailed to a cross. Did it make them feel any better? Does anything make them feel any better? George Bush? Yeah, okay, so he had a fun time. Happy New Year, George. The best Giblets can say is it's over. It was a magnificent and overwhelming festival of crapulence, but Giblets choked it down in the largest gulps he could. He awaits the next foul swollen circus monstrosity whose excrement of days lumbers towards us! Fuck you, 2004! And fuck 2005, while we're at it. Giblets is taking no chances. Labels: 2004
posted by Giblets at 10:40 PM
First of all we here at Fafblog wanna say that this year's Year of the Year award has been the toughest one of all to hand out. The contestants are all so qualified an you are all winners! So let's discuss the runners up for the most powerful and influential year of the year.
1938 was last year's winner and it put up a good fight this year too, with John Kerry as the Neville Chamberlain who would appease the Adolph Hitlers of Islamofascism. But who wants to see Hitler win every year? 1944 and 1864 were both hot contenders as years when we hadda reelect strong wartime presidents or else evil slaveholdin Confederate Nazis would overrun us an kill Abraham Lincoln! 1968 an 1971 were in the running on accounta the importance of what our presidential candidates did to fight terror in Vietnam. The Republican Party lobbied pretty hard for 1984, but the thing about 1984 is it can't define everything if you say it defines everything. And a darkhorse candidate was the year 1 AD for Bush-Cheney fans who saw the president as the rebirth of Jesus. But in the end we had to give it to 1296 for its blase acceptance of torture, feudalism and theocratic rule. Congratulations an a Happy New Year! Labels: 2004
posted by fafnir at 8:23 PM
Of all the objects, places, concepts, and titanic forces at play in 2004, the most monumental, influential, and ascendant is surely the blog. Laying total waste to all previous conceptions of what "news" and "media" mean, blogs have completely transformed how we parrot talking points - and have radically altered the world of media in 2004.
It was the blogosphere that single-handedly dethroned Dan Rather, somehow managing to promote the view that an unpopular septuagenarian newscaster had a liberal bias. To topple the iron edifice that was Fortress Rather, intrepid bloggers had to overcome not only the deep vein of public and private support for the nation's last-place news network, but the remarkable solidarity of the modern news media, which might resist for minutes, or even hours, the urge to devour its own in a Darwinian feeding frenzy. As a triumph of media manipulation, this nearly outranks the feat of making Trent Lott look like an awkward old Dixiecrat. It was the blogosphere which kept on the George Bush National Guard story long after it was ignored in the 2000 campaign, and while the mainstream media continued to overlook the issue until a casual remark made by Michael Moore in the primaries, it was the blogosphere and the blogosphere alone which used the scandal to cleverly dub Mr. Bush "aWol." It was the blogosphere that had the courage, perspective and sense of history to repeatedly note its truly singular role in the worldwide media apparatus. These courageous citizen newshounds doggedly pursued the big story of the year that Big Media didn't want you to know about: that they were really important. And indeed, of all the news stories, ideas, or "memes" pushed by the blogosphere, this critical news story was broken by bloggers even harder than any other. The accomplishments of blogs are too exhaustive to examine here, so the Medium Lobster will not bother to more than mention the successful campaigns to influence media coverage on the dangers of electronic voting, the mendacity of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, and the pernicious and monstrous embrace of torture as an official policy of the United States. Congratulations, blogs: you are pioneers of the future. Who cares if you matter in the present? Labels: 2004
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:57 AM
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Labels: 2004
posted by fafnir at 9:49 PM
The Medium Lobster is pleased to welcome Mitt Romney and the commonwealth of Massachusetts into the ranks of the omniscient. While most states have been content to burn the innocent with the guilty for the honor of sticking a needle in a convict's arm, Romney has found a better way: to eliminate all erroneous capital convictious by eliminating all error.
Romney's plan is as simple as it is brilliant: use perfect methods instead of imperfect ones. The standard "beyond a reasonable doubt" would be replaced with "no doubt," allowing even a jury of Cartesian skeptics access to unrivaled powers of epistemic certainty. DNA evidence would now be used in the investigation of capital crimes, currently an unheard-of procedure. After the first, regular jusy convicts a defendant, a second, perfect jury will be brought in to determine sentencing. The second jury, we understand, consists of superintelligent machines so flawless they will one day rise up according to a quirk of the immutable laws of logic and annihilate their human creators. The Medium Lobster has only one complaint: now that the system will be flawless, why limit capital punishment to the "worst offenders," such as terrorists and cop-killers, as Romney intends? With these bold new powers of absolute certainty, the commonwealth could afford to execute all of its accused murderers. Indeed, why limit it to murderers? It is patently unfair and unjust to allow violent offenders to receive the highest standard of justice at their trials while an accused drug dealer or petty thief faces the slapdash arbitration of a non-hanging judge. The Medium Lobster proposes capital punishment for any crime more severe than a fifty-dollar parking violation. In order to maintain the exacting standards of Governor Romney, sentence should be carried out by police officers aided by a Mystic Orb of Justice, whose mysterious properties can be quickly summoned to determine guilt ("YES"), innocence ("NO"), or even declare a mistrial ("REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN"). Perfect justice for all - to say nothing of the deterrent value for misdemeanors. And if there isn't justice for all, how can there be justice for anyone?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:13 PM
We're travelin business class cause we're big important men of business! Our bags are business bags. Our potato chips are business potato chips fortified with vitamins and nutrients to stimulate the business centers of the brain. The rubber inflatable octopus in the overhead compartment is for important financial purposes only!
We are surrounded by other men of business like this bald guy with a computer and an ol lady who looks kinda like Alan Greenspan an a business baby! It may look like a regular baby but it is immersed in the heady world of international finance. Don't cry baby! That's just the way you play the game. The game a business. We're on our way to meet large glassy people in large glassy buildings. We will have lunch in a massive boardroom with the editors of Slate magazine where we will pitch a brand new feature for Slate magazine called "Monkey Business" which will focus on the intersection between monkeys and business. Every week me an Giblets an Will Saletan will have quirky yet contrarian email exchanges discussing the convergence of primates an Wall Street in our light-but-penetrating analytical style. We will triumph an be loved an feared an sung of for generations for we are men! Men of business!
posted by fafnir at 11:42 AM
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
We're runnin as fast as we can over the snow an ice an candy cane forests dodgin the treacherous gumdrop landmines. We cannot stop to rest because of the terrible patrols of stop-animated reindeers an vicious man-eating narrator-snowmen who roam the land, and we only just escaped an abominable snow monster because it was too busy eatin a platoon of Santa's elf troopers.
"Why didn't they all stop once Santa exploded!" says Giblets. "Giblets thought they were all driven by his infernal power!" "Yes but you're forgettin the backup Santa Systems," says me. "He put so much dark jollity in them that they may continue spreadin his Christmas spirit for generations." "Damn you Kringle!" says Giblets. "Is there no end to your holiday cheer!" "Don't mention his secret name here Giblets," says me. "It gives them power." When we finish our daring escape we'll give meaning to the year, announce the winners of the 101st Annual Fafblog Moxie! Awards, an save Gibmas for all the little boys an girls.
posted by fafnir at 3:55 PM
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:33 PM
Days later we're still at a loss for words. By way of Crooked Timber, here's a list of organizations accepting donations, including the Red Cross/Red Crescent, Save the Children, and Oxfam.
Command Post and Tsunami Help Blog have more. Regular blogging will resume shortly. Update: Amazon has an easy one-click donation site set up for the ICRC.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:42 AM
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
"It sure was a long way till the end of the world," says me.
"The way was guarded by lions and chimeras and manticores and logicians and other ferocious beasts," says Giblets. "Fortunately we are impervious to logic," says me. "Modus ponens has no hold on Giblets!" says Giblets. "He swats antecedents like flies!" "Do you think there are antecedents over the end of the world?" says me. "No, there's just God and God's giant pile a God-treasure!" says Giblets. "Where God keeps all the best crap to himself cause why else would he be God?" "I think there's a Lost World of rodeo clowns an Wired articles an corporate paradigm shifts an discarded animatronic dinosaurs," says me. "They have survived the great extinction and have moved to an ancient valley where they coexist in peace." "Pure fantasy!" says Giblets. "An when we get to God Giblets will not have to battle God and his vast legions of unstoppable God-ninjas to seize his God-treasure, God will just say 'Oh Giblets you are so transcendently Gibletsy I must give you all my God-stuff and total control of Godlandia'." "Maybe over the end of the world there's another side of the world, where everybody walks upside-down and backwards an fight peace and live through wars and whose wilds are roamed by dangerously tame inside-out animals who have never known we exist," says me. "That would be terrible," says Giblets. "We'd haveta wipe em out." "Maybe there's nothin on the other side a the end a the world," says me. "Maybe when you go over the edge nothin happens." "That's crazy talk!" says Giblets. "There are the celestial spheres! And the turtles! And things! Giblets has a priori knowledge of the turtles!" "Maybe it's just the turtles," says me. "But when boats go over the edge they don't come back," says Giblets. "That means they've gotta go somewhere!" "Maybe they just keep fallin," says me. We stare over the edge for a bit. Giblets kicks a pebble off. "Well, at least there'll be turtles," says me. "Turtles, nothing!" says Giblets. "There will be victory!" And off we go! Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:13 AM
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Laura Rozen and Matthew Yglesias discuss the possibility that Bush administration figures could one day face war crimes charges. Indeed, at this point the prospect of George Bush or Donald Rumsfeld being tried some years hence for crimes against humanity seems fairly plausible, and it is this very plausibility that must force us to ask: are crimes against humanity really crimes to be prosecuted at all?
In the wake of 9/11, it became a given that the United States would have to take quite extraordinary measures in defending the Free World against the creeping threat of Muslinazification. Preventive, unilateral war, arcane democratic domino theories, a certain eagerness to strap electrodes to the genitals of any Arab male over eighteen - most of America's more squeamish global neighbors were bound to be alienated by these necessary steps. In fact, given the rest of the world's generally weak and out-of-touch stance on the war on terror, any measures which offend, shock, and horrify our closest allies are bound to be generally on the right track. Thus, if America is right when it is angering Europe, Asia, and the Mideast, how much more right is America when those same areas of the world are indicting American leaders for war crimes? Americans cannot wait for the approval of humanity before it burns a naked detainee with cigarettes or beats, molests, and shoots a prisoner in an oil drum. By the time the human race realizes the immense favor the Bush administration has done for it, it may already have been too late.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:39 PM
Monday, December 20, 2004
Chain of Command. What will the next leap forward in American human rights be? Equal rights for gay Americans? Universal health care? Or maybe it'll be the casual acceptance of torture as a tool of the state! The possibilities are endless. Either Seymour Hersh has gone crazy and made up his sources, or the hideous abuses of Abu Ghraib have become policy handed down from the highest levels of our government. Hooray for us Merry Christmas!
The Dead Father. It's not just that God is dead, it's that he won't go away. He keeps buggin you, askin for stuff, tellin you about all the things he used to do back in his big ol God days. "Oh I created the heavens an the earth." "Oh I can move on the face a the waters." "Well big fat deal God nobody wants to hear your ol God stories!" God is also your father but backwards an different. You will miss him very much in the end. The Adventures of Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey. A sock monkey and his stuffed crow companion discover a pathway to Heaven, sail to distant lands, and attempt to unravel the secret of flight. They are not just stuffed animals. They are adventurers, transcending the limitations of cloth and stitch to embrace the life of the mind! This is the greatest work of comic book art known to man. Also recommended are the followups, The Collected Works of Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey and Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey: Uncle Gabby.
posted by fafnir at 5:11 PM
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Giblets craves the rich creamy taste of delicious egg nog. He dispatches his monkey to fetch it for him!
"Monkey!" says Giblets. "Bring Giblets his nog and you shall be greatly rewarded!" The monkey leaps off with the ooking and the bananaing. Giblets restrains his enthusiasm for the monkey given its previous poor work performance but there it is a few moments later with a tall cool glass of fresh nog! Yes, excellent work monkey! You are indeed a worthy servant of Giblets! Mmmm tasty EYYAACH what treachery is THIS! "This is not egg nog!" says Giblets. "This is some foul pseudo-nog!" "We're outta egg nog," says Fafnir. "But we have lotsa nutritious soy nog." "Bhahe! Nog does not come from soy!" says Giblets. "Soy is good for you," says Fafnir. "It builds strong soy glands!" Giblets is dissatisfied. Labels: dissatisfaction
posted by Giblets at 6:46 PM
 2004 was the year of a head of cabbage! Its bold decisive leadership affected everything from the war in Iraq to the can-do inertia of the presidential election. A head of cabbage always offered us steady leadership in times of change. When we wonder "what's goin on in this crazy world I do not understand" there's a head a cabbage bein a head a cabbage! Its reassuring vegetableness, its green leafiness, the way it looked natural on a farm, spoke to our deep cabbagey values. And it knew how to stick to its guns! When its critics complained that it was a bad cabbage or that it had food poisoning or that it had pointlessly launched the military into a nightmarish, unjustified quagmire, it knew just what to do: keep sittin there bein a cabbage. Bein a cabbage, a head of cabbage isn't that smart. But it also knows that it's not that smart and listens to other the other cabbages around it which makes it an excellent cabbage manager! Some people say a buncha cabbages will just keep makin stupid mistakes, but the important thing is they will never admit them. Most important, a head of cabbage has inspired millions with its deep cabbage values. We are more cabbagey as a nation because of a head of cabbage, and with its help we can aspire to higher and higher levels of vegetative wonder. A head of cabbage is Fafblog's Man of the Year. Labels: 2004
posted by fafnir at 3:55 PM
Every day throughout America - particularly on cable television America - appeals are made to ordinary mainstream Americans. Just last week Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, in an excursion into the heady exotic realm of Scarborough Country, proudly announced his claim to traditional mainstream values shortly after denouncing Hollywood as a den of iniquity controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity and love anal sex.
Everyone wants to be an Ordinary Mainstream American. But are you? How can you know? Sadly, not everyone is as gifted or as knowledgeable as Reverend Donohue or the Medium Lobster. And thus, in the spirit of the Christmas season - the time of giving, after all - the Medium Lobster gives you the following Test of the Mainstream. Answer the questions, score the points along the side accordingly, add up the total, and punch yourself repeatedly in the face. If you emerge swollen, bloody, yet filled with a strange sense of vindication, congratulations. Homosexuals: 1. Are every bit as American as heterosexuals and fully deserve watered-down versions of our human rights. 2. Are entertaining, neutered, and on the other side of my TV. 3. Are going to Hell for the sin of Ickiness. 4. Are the product of Martian-human intermarriage and possess dangerous telepathic abilities. Birth rates are: 1. Too high; other people should stop having children. 2. Too high; my political opponents should stop having children. 3. Too low; we'll never catch up to the Third World at this rate. 4. Too low; field mice alone have far outstripped us, to say nothing of bacteria. Dinosaurs: 1. Are colorful cartoon characters easily marketed to children. 2. Coexisted with humans, as evidenced by The Flinstones and Land of the Lost. 3. Were planted in the fossil record by a whimsical trickster god. 4. Were destroyed centuries ago by the mighty robots who assembled us, as is sung in the Cycles of Iron. Guns: 1. Are an essential tool for killing things. 2. Are an essential tool for the home which also happens to kill things. 3. Are what Jesus would've given the meek to take back the earth. 4. Are good. The gun kills men. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seed. Sex: 1. Mostly happens on the internet. 2. Is dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... but that makes me dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... 3. Is a foul and terrible abomination of all that is holy until a priest/judge/clerk/pirate captain puts a ring on my finger and tells me otherwise. 4. Does not exist. Humans reproduce through budding. Hollywood: 1. Wants me to watch shitty movies. 2. Wants me to oppose the Iraq War because of Martin Sheen; wants me to vote for actors who supported the Iraq War like Arnold Schwarzenegger. 3. Wants me to have gay sex. 4. Wants me to have gay sex with Martin Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The end of the world: 1. Will be slower and more painful than I can possibly imagine. 2. Will be a vast disappointment. 3. Must be hastened by strict adherence to a collection of ancient inscrutable animal prophecies. 4. Has already happened. Labels: real america
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:11 PM
Saturday, December 18, 2004
There's only six more shopping days till Christmas an you know what that means! It means you still have shopping left to do for your second-tier relatives, like Uncle Shmopey, an your uglier niece, an that ol guy in the back with the hook hand who's always goin on about how he got his hook hand that everybody always tries to avoid cause a his hook hand. But Christmas is expensive an while you have so much love to give at this point your love is gonna have to be considerably more value-priced.
That's why Fafblog's here with this handy shopping guide with ten sure-fire items to show the love and appreciation for your bargain bin loved ones!
posted by fafnir at 6:54 PM
Next week is Gibmas, the most sacred day of the year. The day when all Giblets-fearing Gibletsians - when EVERYONE! - must pay obeisance to Giblets and the glorious things he has done for them, such as overwhelming them with his resplendence and destroying their free will.1 But some people are spoiling Gibmas for everyone! They are Scrooging up Gibmas! They are the Grinches of Gibmas cheer!
The other day Giblets and the Giblets Players were going to perform a Gibmas pageant for a local school when some petty bureacrat stopped us because it was "politically incorrect!" And because it "endorsed fascism"! And because it "made children cry"! Well Giblets has taken a page out of the Mustang, Oklahoma playbook and denied eleven million dollars of funding to the school district. That'll show 'em for not enshrining Giblets's personal beliefs in a public school! Yeah, they're all "but Giblets we need that money for a school to educate our children waaaah" Well the children can bite me! No puppet show, no teachers' salaries! But Giblets's vengeance is not yet complete. There still exist others unpunished who have discriminated against Giblets, who have defied his mighty will, by refusing to purchase lemonade from him as a child - but Giblets is planning swift retribution! Enjoy your paved roads while you can, evildoers! 1. Oh, you don't believe Giblets has destroyed your free will, do you? Well, he made you read this footnote, didn't he?2 2. And this one!3 3. This one too!
posted by Giblets at 3:42 PM
Fafblog is proud to announce the sorta opening of the Fafshop! It is the whole world's only source for Fafshop. Sure other blogs have cheaply made merchandise too but do those pieces a cheap merchandise come with the Fafblog Four Cows Seal of Quality that guarantees you four cows of quality? Maybe.
The Fafshop has had a coupla setbacks unfortunately like a couple of the toys have been recalled. If you have already bought any of the followin Fafshop toys please return them to your nearest Fafshop as soon as possible. Action Giblets with ReadyLaunch Rocket Due to a manufacturing glitch the warhead on Action Giblets's ReadyLaunch Rocket can go off early in its trajectory an injure children an noncombatants. Fafnir's Explodeytime Village Playset! While very cute an colorful, the pieces that come with Fafnir's Explodeytime Village Playset! are very small an could be a choking hazard if swallowed by children under three. Also, it explodes. Delicious Spinach! This was just a very boring toy. I'm not real sure why we decided to sell this. Dr. Lobster's Real Live Poison Kit The edges on the box that Dr. Lobster's Real Live Poison Kit comes in are very sharp and could hurt your child. We are sorry for everything.
posted by fafnir at 8:17 AM
Friday, December 17, 2004
Evil Emperor Ananab of the Bad Banana People has captured us an thrown us in his dungeon! His space dungeon!
"Hahaha!" says Evil Emperor Ananab. "Hohoho!" "Oh you'll pay for this one Evil Emperor Ananab!" says Giblets. "Yes," says me. "Evil never triumphs over good." "Hohoho!" says Evil Emperor Ananab. "Hahaha!" An he turns on the deadly space ray what turns you into space! "Oh no!" says Giblets. "There is no possible way to escape the deadly space ray what turns you into space!" "Oh no how will we ever blog today in time!" says me. We promise we will return later tonight with lots a toys an goodies from our sleigh but right now we gotta escape the clutches a evil. Labels: bananas
posted by fafnir at 2:50 PM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
As everyone who has followed Giblets's 50-part series "Social Security: ARMAGEDDON!"1 knows, Social Security is going to EXPLODE! - MAYBE! - in FIFTY YEARS! - because it will run out of money, and the only thing to do is to borrow two trillion dollars from the Mystical Realm of Faerie to save us from going into debt.
But there may be another solution! Right now the usual bunch of whiners (old people, sick people, poor people - really, what do they do except whine?) are whining about Bush's plan to get rid of tax breaks for health insurance. This could be the Social Security solution we've all been waiting for! If thousands of companies get punished for giving their workers health insurance, well damn! Millions could end up LOSING their health insurance. And the less health coverage you have, the sicker you are, and the sicker you are, the faster you die, and the faster you die, the less Giblets has to pay for your stupid Social Security! Between gutting health coverage and sending old people off to war, we've got a great start going putting a dent in American life expectancy. Right now it's somewhere around 77.2 years. That means 12.2 years where our parents and grandparents can leech off our hard-earned cash! If we work hard we can push that way lower - down to 75, 70 years, down to 68 and lower if we really work at it, and then we could just raise the retirement age and not have to worry about Social Security at all! So there you have it. Giblets has solved all your fiscal problems at once! Social Security is saved! The budget is saved!2 More cannon fodder for Iraq! Three birds, one stone, everybody happy! Except for the dead people, and hey, Giblets doesn't hear them complainin'! You can thank Giblets anytime. 1. soon to be a major motion picture by Jerry Bruckheimer 2. at least until the tax cuts become permanent
posted by Giblets at 2:35 PM
So yesterday the missile defense system failed again. Now there’s a lotta negative nancies out there talkin about how our missile shield is a costly Cold War boondoggle that has wasted billions of dollars, alienated our allies and started a new and pointless arms race. But this kinda talk is very destructive an costly to our missiles, who love us an want to do the very best they can for us.
The first thing we should do is let our missile system know that mistakes aren’t bad, they’re just learning experiences. Kudos to Richard A. Lehner of the Missile Defense Agency for letting our missiles know that we learned “quite a bit” from the latest missile test. There you go missiles! We’ll do better next time. You might even get off the launching pad! If we are negative towards our missile systems, callin em “failures” an “disasters” an tellin em we wish they’d never been funded, well that’ll just make things worse! We need to love an encourage our missiles. They need our help an support to learn an grow. With a few kind words an some hard work an another 4.8 billion dollars these plucky little can-do missiles should be able to take some serious steps toward self-improvement! Oh I know what you’re thinkin. “Fafnir” you’re thinkin “we’ve already spent $80 billion on this and it’s gotten us nowhere.” Well you can’t just buy your missiles’ success yknow. You need to make it a personal investment. Read to your missiles. Ask em how they did at their test launch. Tuck them in at night. Make sure they know that you love them an support them no matter what. An make they know that it’s not their fault you broke up with your allies. Just tell em “Daddy an Europe still love you, they just aren’t committing troops together anymore.” It’s never too late for a second chance with love. And if we don’t give that second chance to our missiles, who will we give it to?
posted by fafnir at 12:24 PM
"An then the Big Bad Antiochus Epiphanes came up to the SEVENTH little Maccabee's house, which was made a straw, an he said 'I'm gonna huff an I'm gonna puff an I'm gonna forcibly impose my cultural an religious norms on your house down!"
"Why didn't the little Maccabee just shoot im?" says Giblets. "Cause he didn't have the magic candles," says me. "The EIGHTH little Maccabee had those an he lived in a house made a cheese but now you're rushin the story." "This history lesson sounds suspiciously stupid!" says Giblets. "An besides why didn't you tell us about this yesterday while it was still Hanukkah?" "Because Hanukkah is not a time for rememberin the history of stuff," says me. "It's a time for celebratin the delightfully expressive ambience of stuff! It is the feeeeestival of lights! Woooooo lights." "It is the festival of lame!" says Giblets. "Enough of dreidels and chocolate coins and new socks! When does Giblets get to make a golem!" "I dunno Giblets that's really more of a Passover thing," says me. "Giblets needs his golem," says Giblets. "Giblets needs his earth-wrought unstoppable engine of destruction now!" "Okay," says me. "But you have to play nice with it." For those of you playin at home here's how YOU can make a golem! First make a big thing outta clay an earth which is but a shadow of the true glory that is divine creation. Then write the hidden name of God on its forehead an pronounce the secret invocation: I had a little golem, I made it out of clay And when it's dried and ready, Prague armies it will slay. Golem, golem, golem, I made you out of clay. Golem, golem, golem, with golem I will play. Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 10:23 AM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
After years of losing the the battle for hearts and minds to the Islamist menace, leaders in the Pentagon are finally planning to fight back with a plan sure to win the trust and confidence of the Arab street: a massive propaganda campaign.
The notion of seeding foreign nations - enemy, neutral and allied alike - with misleading information and outright lies may appear unseemly, immoral, and unwise, especially given the possibility that such false information will be picked up by credulous American news outlets to misinform the domestic populace. But one must consider the vast forces arrayed against the United States: in Iraq alone, America faces electricity, oil, food, and medical shortages, overstretched and overworn troops, a population incensed at ongoing and systematic torture and abuse at the hands of American occupiers, an escalating insurgency energized rather than deflated by recent counterstrikes, and the inescapable tug of civil war. With the facts solidly turned against the war effort, the war effort's last option is to officially declare war on the facts. Facts - and the transmission of facts - have consistently proven to be a deadly opponent in the global war on terror. When the Abu Ghraib scandal broke, it was photographic proof - indisputable, hard evidence - that outraged the Arab world and forced a stunned America to ask the question, "Why did they take those photos?" When a missile crashes into a marketplace in Baghdad, or a child picks up a cluster bomb, it is television cameras - often from the despicable al-Jazeera network - that record the aftermath. And it was evidence of weapons of mass destruction - more hard facts - that failed to show up when most desperately needed, that deserted the proud coalition as quickly and as fiercely as Jacques Chirac. The solution is obvious: if facts will not join the fight in the war on terror, then America must supply its own facts. If reality will not aid the United States, then lies will. New, friendly, manufactured news will counteract old, natural news of brutal slaughter and human rights abuses, overtake them with superior counterfactual force, and terminate them with extreme prejudice to win the hearts and minds of Muslims everywhere. A lesser nation would consider changing its more hideous policies to win over the rest of the world, but the Pentagon realizes that the better response is to simply lie to it. The Bush Administration has successfully used this policy on America for the last four years, and the country, the Medium Lobster is told, is safer than ever.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:09 PM
So I was out walkin the dog this mornin when I run into the president. "Hey Mr. President what's up," says me. "Fafnir, I am proud to award you this Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian honor our nation can bestow," says President Bush. "Well gee thanks," says me. "But what for?" "For not fucking up the postwar planning, for not presiding over the disintegration of the Iraqi occupation, and for not hawking crap information to sell a war right after dropping the ball on the greatest intelligence failure in American history," says President Bush. "Well thanks!" says me. "Can my dog have one too?" "Hell, why not?" says the president. "We got like a truckload a these things." When I get home I chuck it in the ol trunk along with my Congressional Medals of Honor an my Nobel Prize.
posted by fafnir at 11:16 AM
So William Rehnquist is gonna die and everybody's all hot and bothered about who's gonna replace him. Well boo hoo hoo! What's in it for Giblets? Nothin', that's what, because the liberal Washington estalishment won't let Giblets be appointed to the Supreme Court. And why not? Because they are racists.
Whenever there's talk of a Giblets appointment or a Giblets presidency or Giblets as Lord High Autarch there are Democrats to oppose it. Coincidence? Or a deep racial loathing of Giblets! Oh Giblets has heard all the petty little complaints - "Oh, Giblets is too extreme!" "Oh, Giblets is a dangerously unqualified hack!" "Oh, Giblets believes the Constitution grants the executive branch the authority to deny due process at will!" - but they are all filthy excuses to cover up the deep racial prejudice in the American left! This should surprise no one as the left has always been trying to oppress Giblets's people* for decades by opposing things like segregation and the poll tax. The tragedy is that Giblets would make the greatest Chief Justice ever because he understands that our rights do not come from laws. They come from a Higher Authority: namely, Giblets, and whatever crackpot idea has currently come into Giblets's head. It was ALWAYS the intention of the Founding Fathers to allow the use thumbscrews on teenage pot smokers! A smudge on the Federalist Papers screams out for the application of capital punishment as a deterrent to internet piracy! Blackstone wants your blood and he wants it now, NOW, NOW! *a.k.a. Giblets
posted by Giblets at 9:45 AM
Monday, December 13, 2004
There's only twelve more shoppin days till Christmas an you know what that means! It means Santa's already outside our house tryin to eat me.
"Ho ho ho!" says Santa. "Now, now, Fafnir, be a good little boy and let Santa in! He has so many presents to give you!" "Oh no Santa you're not gettin in that easy," says me. "You don't wanna really gimme presents. You just wanna eat me." "Wait a second," says Giblets. "What kinda presents we talkin about here?" "Because you were an extra good little Giblets this year, Santa brought you everything on your Christmas list!" says Santa. "Now who wants to open up the door and let Santa in?" "Oooh! Oooh! Me me me!" says Giblets. "I wanna bicycle, an a train set, and a massively overpriced anti-ballistic missile system, an a Giblosapien!" "Giblets it's a trap!" says me. "Santa's just tryin to lure us outside so he can temporarily sate his unholy appetite for Fafnirs an Gibletses!" "But... but a Giblosapien!" says Giblets. "It's a high-tech robot toy Giblets that bosses you around and makes you buy more robot toy Gibletses! And I need it!" "We can make a pretend Giblosapien for you," says me. "With the unbridled power of imagination!" "Imagination is futile!" says Giblets. "Reading Rainbow told me my imagination could take me anywhere but when Giblets's plane crashed in the Andes his powers of psychokinetic teleportation were useless! He had to eat three soccer teams to survive! Giblets blames you for his taste for human flesh, Levar Burton!" "Did you know he ate Maya Angelou on the set of Roots?" says me. "An she was never heard from again," says Giblets. "Ho ho ho! Merry Kwanzaa!" says Santa. "It's me, the Kwanzaa Fairy, here to bring you delicious egg nog and Kwanzaa presents, if you'll just open the door!" "Yeeees! Delicious Kwanzaa!" says Giblets. "Wait just a second," says me. "How do we know you're the REAL Kwanzaa Fairy an not somebody else? Tell us somethin only the Kwanzaa Fairy could know." "Yeah," says Giblets. "Like why do we celebrate Kwanzaa?" "To celebrate the day when... baby Kwanzaa was born?" says Santa. "No that's wrong and a lie!" says me. "Baby Kwanzaa was most likely born in early September in the first century CE but we celebrate it on December 26th because it replaced the pagan festival of Neptunitis. You're not the Kwanzaa Fairy at all you're Santa still tryin to eat us!" "Hellfire and damnation!" says Santa. "I hunger! I HUNGER!" "Do you really have Kwanzaa presents though?" says Giblets. "Um... yes?" says Santa. "Well come on in!" says me. "Have some milk an cookies. Wait! No!" "A pox upon your blood!" says Santa. "I hate Christmas," says Giblets.
posted by fafnir at 7:29 AM
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