Tuesday, August 3, 2004

The Medium Lobster has returned - or so it appears to you, confined as you are to the temporal prison you refer to as "linear time" - to note something of a minor controversy regarding George Bush's endorsement of a National Director of Intelligence. Bush has wisely chosen to follow the 9/11 commission's proposal in establishing this "intelligence czar," but with modifications: the National Director of Intelligence would neither be a Cabinet-level post, nor would have control over the budget or staff of the 15 intelligence agencies theoretically under his command.

Naysayers claim that such constraints would make the NDI a figurehead only, and leave the desperate need for critical intelligence reforms unaddressed while America continues to face terrorist threats in a half-blind haze of bureaucratic confusion. These critics, of course, do not include the Medium Lobster, whose enlightened status allows him to see beyond the merely apparent. Indeed, not only are these limitations necessary, they are vital - for if any leader of the United States intelligence community is to have the strength to unite the disparate threads of bureacracy, they must be too utterly hobbled to influence it.

Anyone placed at the head of the vast and intertwining web of competing agencies that comprise the intelligence community must remain as independent as possible in order to remain unsullied by the taint of departmental politics. However, giving the NDI budgetary and staffing authority automatically embroils him in the internecine squabbles of the intelligence community. While some might argue that making the NDI a Cabinet-level position would give an NDI the authority to cut through the bureacracy, it would simply taint the position even more by plunging the hapless public servant into the midst of the backstabbing and corruption of the White House itself.

The only way to make certain a National Director of Intelligence would have the power to accomplish any good is to make him truly independent - by severing as many real ties to the White House and to the intelligence community as possible. In fact, the Medium Lobster believes the president has not gone far enough, allowing the proposed NDI to give budgetary "input" to the agencies below him. If the president wants a truly independent director, the Medium Lobster suggests that the new director's office be as far removed from Washington as possible, preferably on the top of a mountain in the Himalayas or a very tall pole in the desert, cut off from all lines or methods of communication, where the National Director of Intelligence can meditate on intelligence and the nature of intelligence, and arrive at a priori truths regarding threats to the nation's wellbeing.

As for the rest of the intelligence apparatus, it would be best to shift power out of the hands of the bureacracies of the Pentagon and the CIA by leaving their hobbling connections to power and authority largely intact. Harsh and extreme measures, you may say, but these times call for such things, and shrinking from the challenge of history is not an activity for the Medium Lobster.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:02 PM

So a buncha whiney whiners are whining about how "oh the cable networks didn't cover our convention coverage they only showed a couple minutes of Former World Leader Blah Blah Blah talkin and then they cut away to the much more amusing and telegenic Sean Hannity" well y'know what, Giblets doesn't care. Giblets of course had to sit through these speeches in person* when he covered it last week with his mad journalism skillz and if pundits could have jumped in and interrupted then Giblets would have appreciated it greatly. Is it informative? Giblets does not care. It is entertaining.

Giblets doesn't want facts and updates and in-depth coverage. He wants explosive clashes of mighty titanic forces, like Hannity versus things that look like Hannity with some Colmes in the background! Giblets does not want to see our leaders talk and blither about policy and their plans for the future! He wants to see Bill O'Reilly gettin' red and splotchy while he yells over someone else in the background for bein' a liberal anti-American hatemonger! And Chris Matthews... oh, Chris Matthews! How did Giblets ever survive without Chris Matthews reducing world events to a stream-of-consciousness babble about how Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a hot Hollywood starlet from the fifties with gams that could melt an iceberg?**

The best part is that more people become engaged in politics when they are presented in an entertaining and shallow light. For instance Giblets never cared much about political corruption in say the Reagan Administration because that was most about borin' ol' death squads and borin' ol' funding of terrorists. But when it was explained to Giblets later on that political corruption was really about naughty things you do with cigars Giblets was all over that shit!

So shut up, whiney people, and let Giblets have his fun. I will take my entertainment over your informed citizenship any day.

*at least Giblets heard some of them. Giblets spent much of the convention under a table in a bowl of taco dip.

**if it wasn't for Bill O'Reilly and Larry King and Chris Matthews, Giblets would never be able to take the news! Why he might think he was livin' in some distorted caricature of America commanded by a cluelessly amoral administration which embraces a dangerously expansive view of executive power and a tendency to conflate strength and determination with the wearing of large white hats. Whew! Now that would be crazy!

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posted by Giblets at 3:17 PM

So we're dancin! Dancin at a party! When all of a sudden Giblets shows up with armed police.

"Giblets what is with the police," says me.
"Harrumph foolish Fafnir not bein vigilant!" says Giblets. "These are not police. These are Gibwatch Security Agents an they are respondin to specific non-specific threats of terror!"
"Oh no terror!" says me jumpin behind a sofa fort. "What should we do Giblets? Should we go to Orange Alert?"
"Orange Alert is for pussies!" says Giblets. "Giblets has devised his own Giblets-specific terror threat-level. We are now at Gibwatch Theta!"
"Oh no!" says me. "That is even worse than Epsilon I think!"
"Now there has been cynical skepticism from foolish not-Giblets fools before now regardin terror warnins an the Gibwatch system," says Giblets.
"Like how the warnings always happen at parties when there's hot chicks who dont like you," says me.
"Do not be foolish all hot chicks love Giblets!" says Giblets. "Because of his strong leadership. Now this time you will all be terrified to hear that our non-specific threat information is specifically specific non-specific threat information!"
"Oh no!" says me an others like me.
"Yes there may be an attack on the financial centers of Giblets!" says Giblets. "All dancin must cease! All must be vigilant for Gible-AAAAGH A BUG!" Gibwatch Security Agents swiftly neutralize the bug.
"Giblets is this very accurate information?" says me.
"Oh very accurate," says Giblets. "It is based on information from four years ago! It has matured like fine wine or cheese or old stew."
"Giblets I am very afraid," says me. "Can I get some Gibwatch Security over here by the sofa fort in case terrorists go 'Oh wait we cannot attack Giblets or the financial centers of Giblets so lets go blow up Fafnir's sofa fort'."
"No," says Giblets. "If Gibwatch Security went throwin around security people willy-nilly it would cause irresponsible levels of panic an - AAAAGH A PLASTIC BAG!" Gibwatch Security Agents swiftly neutralize the plastic bag.
"I am feelin a little uncomfortable with the level of security here Giblets," says me. "I think I'm gonna go someplace less Gibwatchy."
"Sounds suspicious," says Giblets. "Cuff 'im and search 'im for stuff."
"Giblets!" says me, bein indefinitely detained.
"Vigilance is serious work Fafnir, if that is your name. Plus Giblets has just received word that there may be a specific non-specific threat to hot chicks," says Giblets as various hot chicks make various afraid-hot chick noises. "Remember this information is with us because of Giblets's leadership in the war on terror."
"This party sucks," says me.
posted by fafnir at 8:49 AM
Thursday, July 29, 2004

Well here we are live speech bloggin again. Just like last time I will talk in regular talk an Giblets will talk in italics talk.

Wow what a reception with the clappin. First of all what do you think of the music Giblets? I know it goes with the Vietnam theme but is "Holiday in Cambodia" inappropriate?

No Fafnir "Holiday in Cambodia" is not inappropriate. It is approriate cause it rocks.

Also you will recall that a number of people suggested Kerry make reference to Ronald Reagan in this speech an this is the first allusion. Remember that in 1980 Reagan walked out to the Dead Kennedy's "Kill the Poor."


Very true Giblets very true. Now I like this autobiographical stuff about goin over to East Germany on his bike an attackin the Nazis with it as a kid.

Yeah it's a little slice of life you dont get that often.

"We have it in our power to change the world but only if we hold true to our ideals." That is an excellent phrase. An excellent powerful beautiful phrase.

Especially when he finishes it with "with thousands of mighty robots." Plus it illuminates a lotta his foreign policy which a lot of voters have been waitin for.

Yes I am glad to see him get into the nitty-gritty of things. The mighty robots initiative seems like an amazin plan an I have no idea why nobody even thought of it before! They should be able to take care of terror AND supply universal health coverage all at once!

He's talkin about "I know what its like to walk around with an M-16 etc." I dont get it, is Kerry a big NRA freak or a gun collector or something?

No he was in Vietnam.

Really? Wow. Giblets had no idea. You'd think theyd play that up more.

What do you think about the "values" stuff here? I think maybe havin Kerry dress up as Moses an hand down a copy of the Social Security Act on tablets hewn from the livin rock was a fine balancin act. With somebody else it mighta been too much.

Giblets doesnt wanna hear any crap about "honoring my father an my mother." Giblets's father an mother are annoying. "Giblets why dont you settle down with a nice Christian girl blah blah blah." "Giblets why arent you Resplendent Lord of All yet blah blah blah." Well shut up mom and dad, Giblets is goin through a transitional period!

Dont your parents live in Canada?

Yeah, see they dont count anyway.

I thought his foreign policy and counterterrorism section here is very strikin.

And such detail!

Whaddaya think about the explosives an the smoke machine at the end when Kerry ascends up from the platform? Plus or minus?

Plus man. Big big plus. Face it, he's a rockstar.
posted by fafnir at 10:08 PM
Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Oh the power of the internet! Giblets an me are goin to blog John Edwards's speech AS IT HAPPENS!* I will be bloggin in regular type an Giblets will be bloggin in italics.

[*Although due to curious time delays you may not actually get to read it until Friday! "This is because of the time zone differential" says Giblets. We deal with a lot of time zone differentials here at Fafblog!]

Well this speech is comin hot off the heels of a great introduction by John Edwards's wife Elizabeth who came across as very warm an carin an matronly in fact I believe she spontaneously birthed a child on stage an so Edwards is startin off with an acknowledgement of his wife.

It helps humanize his otherwise cold an distant trial-lawyerly demeanor which has been such a problem throughout this campaign.

Yes it has Giblets. What other kinds of problems is John Edwards goin to have tonight?

What I think Democrats should be careful about is the amount of "class warfare" in Edwards's speech. They might want to tone it down a bit an add some moderate lines like "It is good to tax poor people more" an "rich people get taxed too darn much" an "would you like more money rich people? I understand poor people have quite a lot just lyin around."

Maybe it was inappropriate to introduce Edwards with "Eat the Rich"?

It's never inappropriate to rock, Fafnir.

Whats inappropriate is the speech. It is just more Democratic flip-floppin. Barack Obama said we were one America with people tryin to divide us into two. Edwards says we are two Americas with people tryin to unite us into one. Well which one is it Democrats? One America or two?


I like how in this version of his "two Americas" speech Edwards talks about how the two Americas will combine like two Voltron robots into one mighty America which will then fight the terrorists!

But which Voltron is it? Is it the robot Voltron or the really lame lion Voltron?

I think you are thinkin of Thundercats Giblets. Voltron was never made of lions.

Yes he was. There was a lion Voltron and a robot Voltron an the lion Voltron is deeply lame.

I think the lion Voltron was apocryphal.

Now we knew that "strength" is a big theme in this convention but I am especially impressed with how Edwards is makin use of it here especially with the "WE WILL BURY YOU."

Yeah but notice how long it took him to get his shoe off an pound it on the podium. Looks clumsy Fafnir, an I bet Fox News is gonna play that over an over again. It is a little known fact that Nikita Kruschchev brought an extra shoe with him to the UN so he could pound it at a moments notice.

An of course George Bush wears a boot around his neck at all times just in case. Wears it to bed even. He calls it "Snuggleboot."

Giblets has heard a lotta rumors sayin that Snuggleboot would make a great replacement for Cheney in the VP slot.

Oh I think he would! I think Snuggleboot has a lot of interestin things to say about energy policy.

I almost feel like the speech is uneven at times like when John Edwards goes from talkin about big corporations gettin tax breaks for cuttin American jobs to talkin about feeding the strength of America's armies by drinking the blood of the terrorist's dead.

I think it just shows John Edwards's youth an inexperience. Everyone knows you eat the heart of your enemies to gain their strength. Drinkin the blood is useless. Now Dick Cheney is a vice president I trust to know about eating another man's still-beatin heart.

Overall I am not impressed with John Edwards's "two Americas"/"one America" speech. If there is only one America, how will Giblets aspire to get into a classy elite America where the rest of grimy smelly America is kept out?


But what about the big corporations who are always tryin to step on the little guy?

What little guy? Giblets an Fafnir ARE the little guy. We are short, man. We are really really short. Robert Reich almost squashed us at a buffet today.

Well then I believe we have two Americas Giblets. One for Fafnir an Giblets an one for very very big people who threaten to step on Fafnir an Giblets.

Too true Fafnir. Too true.

I also believe we have two Edwards speeches. One for the "two Americas" speech an one for the acceptance speech. I think they sorta tried to eat each other tonight.

Giblets is goin to bed.
posted by fafnir at 10:19 PM

You still fail to please Giblets, Democratic National Convention! Allow Giblets to enumerate the ways in which you have failed Giblets - and all of America by proxy!

  • Hiding the "true face" of the Democratic Party! Oh sure the Democrats like to pretend they are all nice and sweet and moderate but inside they are all psychopathic Bush-hating socialist omnisexual reptiloids who hate Bush. Why is the party hiding its psychopathic Bush-hating socialist omnisexual reptiloids from the public? Why is it dressin them up an makin them talk like for example Bill Clinton or Barack Obama? Because it is runnin away from its psychopathic Bush-hating socialist omnisexual reptiloid identity that is why! Giblets finds you shameful and cowardly Democratic Party!
  • Class warfare! Tonight Giblets will have to listen to John Edwards talk about "oh blah blah super-rich people get all these benefits an poor people get pooped on." Well excuse me John Edwards! Isn't it bad enough that the top 5% wealthiest people in this country, who control over 60% of America's wealth, would have to pay 50% of the income tax if their accountants didn't find dozens of tax loopholes to prevent them from doing so? Giblets thinks we have enough Marxist redistribution of wealth as it is without your angry class warfare.
  • Revealing the "true face" of the Democratic Party! Giblets was deeply offended by the psychopathic Bush-hating socialism comin out of Al Sharpton tonight! Sure this is the loathsome face of the Democratic Party, but does Giblets really have to see it?
  • No love for Giblets! All the other bloggers here I think are gettin invited to better parties than Giblets! I saw that TalkLeft guy headin to some party with supermodels or naked presidents or naked supermodel presidents. Damn you TalkLeft guy! Giblets is stuck here talkin to Robert Novak an all he can do is make gargling sounds with his venom sacs. "Ggllgglgl," says Novak. Shut the hell up Novak you annoy Giblets!
  • posted by Giblets at 7:36 PM

    Wow what a crazy day at the convention it was yesterday! I am sorry I missed bloggin but I was too busy doin important thins like goin to parties an stuffin miniature quiches into duffel bags for later use.* I also saw Michael Moore dancin in a fountain surrounded by Fox News crews an former Green party members shoutin "I am a golden god!" It was all cool.

    But the most important thing ever to happen ever in this convention or in the news in general is Barack Obama who spoke last night an who is just some state senator right now but who is gonna be senator an president an space pope some day an I will vote for him over an over an over again because he speaks so so good an even though I dont know who he is or what his policies are or what he wants to do I am sure he is the biggest thing to happen to anyone since God at least! An even though I do not remember exactly what he said I think it was about unity an goodness an the beauty of beautiness an how America is made of candy an how we will triumph over adversity even though bad non-candy-comprised people may try to stop us because of HOOOORAAAAAAY! An then he ascended into the skies.

    More of hard-hittin convention Fafbloggin later in the day.

    *dont be like that I am plannin on lettin them grow an breed in the wild to become hybrid super quiches.
    posted by fafnir at 10:53 AM
    Tuesday, July 27, 2004

    FAFBLOG is a blog, a radical new Medium of the People which destroys all barriers between word and action, thought and deed. Will it use its power for Journalism, or for Evil?

    WOLF BLITZER is a mortal creature of the old media, the M.S.M., a prisoner of flesh and blood. He can only gaze longingly upon the glorious electric ascendancy of the blogosphere from the outside.


    WOLF BLITZER: So, Fafnir and Giblets, what IS a blog?
    FAFNIR: Blogs are the future Wolf.
    GIBLETS: Yes! They are MADE of the future! We extract the future's pure temporal essence an squeeze it into cables an modems an T3 lines it becomes a blog!
    FAF: A blog... of the future.
    WB: How much thought goes into your "web blog" "posts"?
    FAF: Oh we do not think at all when we post! That would defeat the entire purpose!
    GIBS: Blogs must be spontaneous instant reactions to the lightning events of the everyday! Giblets fires up a random news article, pounds his head against the keyboard several times, an hits the "publish" button for the purest of pure blog posts!
    FAF: Otherwise you are not truly flowin in the electric consciousness Wolf.
    WB: Do you think blogs are transforming the discourse in America, and if so how so?
    FAF: Oh they definitely are Wolf. There is not much that can resist our transformin internet power.
    GIBS: We are MADE of the internet. We course with its febrile energy!
    FAF: An we will make the discourse faster because blogs are faster. When someone starts talkin bout somethin that just happened five minutes ago someone else will say "oh I already heard about that yesterday, borin" an they will drop it cuz it's borin.
    GIBS: When someone starts talkin bout somethin else they will change subject not in the middle of the sentence, but before the other sentence was actually spoken.
    FAF: It will be just that fast.
    WB: Fascinating. Now, blogs just don't do the kind of rigorous fact-checking and editorial work that we do here in the mainstream media...
    FAF: That's very true. Not like you have at CNN or MSNBC or Fox!
    GIBS: Some days we sit around thinkin "Oh man if only we could maintain the journalistic rigor of Robert Novak or Charles Krauthammer or Brit Hume!"
    FAF: Or Judith Miller or Chris Matthews or CNN's Bill Schneider!
    GIBS: But then we would lose our cuttin-edge appeal Wolf Blitzer. Our cuttin-edge appeal.
    WB: But given that bloggers might be biased, or play "fast and loose with the truth," and given the increased importance of blogs today, should Americans be concerned?
    FAF: Yes they should be very concerned. We are an unchained force of nature Wolf Blitzer! You cannot stop us once we spin out of telecommunicontrol!
    GIBS: Bow before the power of blog Wolf Blitzer! Bow before the power of blog NOOOOOOW!
    WB: But that means the mainstream media would be defenseless before an onslaught of raw unfiltered opinion and skewed news!
    FAF: It could lead to... a blogpocalypse.
    GIBS: A rain of electronic fire and doom upon all mankind!
    FAF: And the mainstream legacy mediaverse would be helpless to stop it!
    GIBS: Heeeeellllpleeeessss! BOWBEFOREGIBLETS!
    WB: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [explodes]
    FAF: His fusty analog consciousness could not cope with the intensity of our instantaneous instantosity!
    GIBS: The media is dead! Long live the media!
    FAF: Liberté, égalité, superfluté! TO VICTORY!
    [there follows the violent overthrow of everything]

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    posted by fafnir at 5:39 PM

    Well here we are at the Democratic National Convention! I woulda blogged about the speeches last night but we had a slight medical mishap as I almost got trampled by Sidney Blumenthal while tryin to touch the hem of Bill Clinton's garment. I could not help it he is just too beautiful!

    Just five minutes ago I got to see THE Newsweek's Howard Fineman! He is even shorter an pastier an more pathologically blase about the status of American democracy in real life! I tried to engage him in insightful commentary but I was overcome by girlish squealin and mobbed him along with some of the understaff of the New Republic. I came back with two teeth and an eyebrow!

    But none a that matters right now cause I AM TYPIN ON ATRIOS'S LAPTOP RIGHT NOW. He musta left it out or somethin cause here I am an he even left his Blogger window open I can totally post to his blog an everythin!
    Wooooooo I'm Atrios blah blah blah, phony wars are bad, blah blah blah, the media is corrupt an stupid blah blah blah
    aaaaaa here he comes runawayrunaway
    posted by fafnir at 12:29 PM

    Stupid Democratic National Convention! You are stupid and smell of rancid old cow smell and Giblets is unimpressed with your vast quantities of compliemtary booze and your just-par escort services! But now onto the substantive criticism!

  • Al Gore! Seems like some people just can't get over "being a loser" or "winning the popular vote and losing the presidency" or "having the election handed to someone else by a Republican-appointed Supreme Court." Well Democrats if no one else will say it Giblets will: it is time to finally move on and concern ourselves with things that matter to this country like a thorough examination of how Bill Clinton's genitals failed this country's war on terror.
  • Teresa Heinz Kerry! She told a reporter to "shove it" recently! Do Americans want this much hatred and divisiveness in our nation's ceremonial cookie-baker? Giblets thought not!
  • Jimmy Carter! History's greatest monster! With his Habitat for Humanity Jimmy Carter gives homes to the homeless - making the homeless cease to exist. That sounds like Homeless Genocide to Giblets! An do not Giblets started on the incompetence and horror of the Camp David Accords! But that is the Democrats for you - forever celebratin the failures of the past!
  • Teresa Heinz Kerry! How much influence does she have with her husband? An infinite amount Giblets assumes! Meaning that a Kerry administration will be a thrall to Big Ketchup - and a very hate-filled and divisive one at that!
  • Bill Clinton! Was the positive response to his speech a plus for the Democrats - or was it a HUGE MINUS considerin the vast billions of NORMAL Americans who will never forgive him for compromisin national security with lies about his sex life? Only Giblets will tell. (And he says - it's a minus! All normal people hate Bill Clinton!)
  • Teresa Heinz Kerry! What if as First Lady she is in some foreigny nuclear place like France or Russia or Nukeyland swappin meatloaf recipes with some nuclear-type person an she goes crazy and tells him to "shove it" and because of his foreigny sense of honor he begins a nuclear war? Think about THAT.
  • posted by Giblets at 10:25 AM
    Monday, July 26, 2004

    We are currently waitin to get into the Democratic National Convention in Boston but there has been a slight hold-up as Giblets has been stopped by security tryin to sneak in as luggage. "Giblets defies credentials!" says Giblets to security. "Credentials are insolent!"

    In the meantime here is an interview we did a couple days ago with doctor an Family Research Council family expert Dr. James Dobson on a vital matter of national importance.

    FAFBLOG: Well Dr. James Dobson it has been a while since we had our last interview an in between the Ban Gay Marriage Amendment Amendment failed. How you been since then?
    JAMES DOBSON: Just terrible, Fafnir. Because of the weakness and corruption of the United States Senate, I have been forced to become gay.
    FB: Oh no!
    JD: I'm afraid it's true, Fafnir. I now spend my nights in a ball gag and a chastity cage while Gary Bauer whips me from behind in his skintight leather bodice.
    FB: That is terrible news Doctor James Dobson! Not only has gay marriage forced you to become gay, it has made you a bottom!
    JD: And that's not the worst of it. Pat Robertson changed his name to "Trixie" and is giving handjobs in Tiajuana for five bucks a pop. Bill Bennet is a ponyboy in San Francisco. No one's seen Jerry Falwell since the FMA was killed, but there've been sightings of a heavy-set post-op tranny with three breasts, a chimpanzee sex slave, and a fiery Southern oratorial style along the backroads of Central Virginia.
    FB: But how did all of this happen Dr. James Dobson?
    JD: Well, it's all very simple. The legality of gay marriage sent out powerful shockwaves of destructive gay energy throughout hetereosexuality. Without an amendment to the constitution specifically barring homosexuals from obtaining marriage rights, this destructive Gay Force rampaged throughout the Traditional Family Nexus, corrupting it and turning thousands of upright, decent, missionary-position-loving straight couples into deranged, out-of-control mutant gay perverts.
    FB: This is horrible! What in your scientific opinion as a doctor can we do to stop this?
    JD: Well, humanity's only hope at this point lies in the Marriage Protection Act, which would strip federal courts of the ability to review the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. That way if the draconian anti-gay laws we need turn out to be unconstitutional, we'll never know, because the courts won't be able to stop them.
    FB: Wow! Yknow when you think about it you could probably pass all kindsa crazy jurisdiction-stripping laws an it'd be almost as good as havin an amendment, only much easier!
    JD: Really? I hadn't thought of that.
    FB: Well Dr. James Dobson we have to go. Good luck with saving marriage!
    JD: It may be too late for that, Fafnir. But pray for my soul as Rexella Van Impe pounds me in the ass with a strap-on.
    FB: We will Dr. James Dobson. We will.
    posted by fafnir at 7:53 PM

    "Wow that sure was some crazy series of wild adventures we had while we were on break these last thirteen days wasn't it Giblets!" says me sittin on the bus to Giblets.
    "Unnngh," says Giblets. "Giblets should never have eaten those twenty-seven cans of raw tuna."
    "An now here we are on our way to the Democratic National Convention as accredited bloggers!" says me. "We are at the forefront of the New Media Cutting-Edge Media Thing Media Giblets!"
    "Giblets feels green an scaly," says Giblets. "Sickly oils swirl about him in sinister hues. I am bloated to the gills with omega-3 fatty acids! To the gills I say!"
    "An important non-bloggy people like Tim Russert an Sam Donaldson an Jesus will be there goin 'Fafnir tell us about the internet an how you write on the internet an how it is all different on the internet an how you are made of the internet' an it will be all so interestin," says me.
    "Giblets wants to sleep," Giblets says. "But bloated an sickly as he is, he is vulnerable to his enemies. His soft underbelly is exposed to the likes of the French an the Pope an large cats."
    "An of course there will be the cocktail weenies," says me.
    "We must be wary," says Giblets.
    "Yes," says me. "The cocktail weenies are not to be trusted."

    The bus passes a very large fiberglass Big Boy an there is Boston ahead.
    posted by fafnir at 7:12 PM

    "...six cans of raw tuna... mmph hmmph schmh... seven cans of raw tuna..."

    "Follow that car!"
    "That car is a squirrel."
    "Follow that squirrel!"
    "That squirrel is a rock."
    "Follow that rock!"
    "We're standing on it. We're standing on the rock."

    "...eighteen cans of raw tuna... errrmph.... mmerrmph... guh... nineteen cans of raw tuna... unnnfff... guunnfh..."

    "Very clever, Mister Fafnir. But can you escape this very, very slow-moving laser while you are loosely tied to this wobbly table and I explain via monitor my evil plan for world domination? Mwa-hahahaha..."

    KA-BOOOOOOOM!
    "Wow... that's a cool sound effect!"
    "Yeah, I've got like a million of those."
    KA-BOOOOOOOM!
    "Man I could just sit around playin the Kaboom effect forever!"
    KA-BOOOOOOOM!
    "Try the tap-dancing cow."
    tappity-tappity-mmMMOOOOO-tappity-tappity

    "...twenty-three cans... urrggh... of raw tuna... unnnffh... urrrrmff... urrrgle... aw, crud."
    posted by fafnir at 6:32 PM
    Tuesday, July 13, 2004

    Giblets is lookin angry an there is so much to do.

    "Giblets is angry!" says Giblets. "Giblets is angry because nobody understands Giblets an his vast Gibletsian needs! Giblets is people too!"
    "Giblets we are sposed to be workin on the Super Top Secret Special Project What Is Really Secret An Special with the Medium Lobster," says me.
    "Giblets cares not for the Super Top Secret Special Project What Is Really Secret An Special!" says Giblets. "Giblets is only interested in Giblets-related Giblets activites that properly fulfill his Gibletshood! An if people here do not understand that then GIBLETS IS RUNNIN AWAY!"
    "Oh no!"

    DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

    "Yes Giblets is runnin away," says Giblets, "to find some public square for Giblets, where Gibletses can interact, debate an share information on a wide variety of Gibletsian issues. To provide a voice for mainstream Giblets an articulate the deeply held ideals of a free and virtuous Giblets."
    "Giblets you are bein a crazy Giblets an you should stay here while I take care a the teapot an come back to talk you outta your craziness," says me.
    "You will only have until I finish eatin this raw tuna," says Giblets. "These twenty-eight cans of raw tuna."

    So I am runnin up the stairs to the teapot when out of the wall comes Santa!
    "Oh no Santa what are you doin here!" says me. "It is not Christmastime yet!"
    "It's Christmas in July!" says Santa lickin his sharp metal pointy Santa teeth. "And I've come to devour good little Fafnirs! Have you been a good little Fafnir this year?"
    "Oh no!"

    DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

    "But I will let you live if you can answer the dark and insoluble mystery of Santa's Riddle!" says Santa.
    "Okay Santa I am not very good at riddles but I will try!" says Fafnir.
    "Alright, lessee here..." says Santa. "Which one was it... was it the one about the moose and the three monkeys, or the one with the fox and the chickn and the river, or the one with the..."
    "Santa I gotta go cause I gotta talk Giblets outta runnin away an the teapot is boilin an if somethin doesnt happen soon it could wreck the burner," says me.
    "Or the rhyming one about Time, or the one about pocketses..."

    So I run into the kitchen but who is waitin for me but our evil alternate negaverse twins Fut's-Lung an Mutton!
    "Oh no!"

    DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

    "Evil alternate negapeople what are you doin here!" says me.
    "Ho ho ho Fafnir!" says Fut's-Lung "It is too late by now we have done all kindsa evil things! An we dont feel like tellin you what they are."
    "Roam free before Mutton!" says Mutton. "Roam free before Mutton NOOOOOOOW!"
    "Are they secret evil things I will never discover ever?" says me.
    "Well for a start you know your Piñata Of Peace?" says Fut's-Lung.
    "Yes my piñata that I filled with peace so when folks break it open they go 'oh we will now eat delicious candy' an then peace comes out an everybody associates peace with the delicious goodness of candy so everyone will love peace?" says me.
    "Yes that Piñata Of Peace," says Fut's-Lung.
    "I like it it is a very beautiful piñata," says me.
    "Well we filled it with WAR!" says Fut's-Lung.
    "Oh no!"

    DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

    "Make freedom for Mutton!" says Mutton. "Repeal tarrifs."
    "Fut's-Lung and Mutton you are evil and alternate and wrong!" says me.
    "An we did more than that!" says Fut's-Lung. "We have replaced half of all the furniture an appliances in your house with evil robots which look just like furniture!"
    "Oh no!"

    DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

    "Since our universe is the opposite of yours all our furniture is made of evil robots," says Fut's-Lung. "Because none of the furniture in your universe is made of them."
    "That makes a lot of sense," says me. "What do you use instead of evil robots?"
    "Barcaloungers," says Mutton.
    "How good are they?" says me.
    "Eh," says Fut's-Lung.
    "Fut's-Lung an Mutton I would love to stay an chat about your evil but Santa's tryin to eat me an Giblets is tryin to run away an the teapot is boilin an I really gotta take care of some things first," says me.

    An then Chris shows up an he is NOT EATIN CHICKEN.
    "Oh no!"

    DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

    Is furniture really more effective than robots? Will there ever be a proper forum for Giblets an the Giblets-minded majority to gather an share Gibletsian viewpoints? Is Chris a vegetarian now or what? Tune into Fafblog after a break of several days time to find out!
    posted by fafnir at 11:24 PM

    OUR SCENE: FAFNIR has encountered GIBLETS in the Athenian market. FAFNIR is accompanying a goat which he intends to defend in court against the charge of impiety; GIBLETS has just taken first prize at the festival of Asclepius for disciplining a runaway cabbage.

    FAFNIR: Why hello Giblets! I see you are almost fully immersed in a bowl of ham jello.
    GIBLETS: Unnngh... Giblets is in such pain.
    FAF.: Oh no Giblets! You have not been eatin pork to painful excess again have you?
    GIBS.: Giblets does it... GLLGGLL... for national greatness. He stuffs himself with liquid ham... for the glory of the republic!
    FAF.: But Giblets does the end always justify the means? For example say there is a man stuck in the opening of a mine shaft.
    GIBS.: How would a man get stuck in a mine shaft? Mine shafts are huge.
    FAF.: Well lets say he's a big fat man stuck in a mine shaft an there are like a dozen other people trapped in there because the fat man he is just so fat.
    GIBS.: This is an improbably fat man we are talkin about.
    FAF.: Maybe he has been eatin ham jello. For the glory of the republic.
    GIBS.: Then he can stuff off. This is Giblets's ham jello.
    FAF.: Anyway the question is should we blow up the fat man if there is no other way to get him out of the mine shaft to free the trapped an starving people inside when we know that blowin up the fat man is cruel murder?
    GIBS.: Ha! I'd like to see you try! The explosives'll just make the mine shaft collapse an squish everyone inside.
    FAF.: Giiiiblets, you're ruinin my moral dileeeema.
    GIBS.: The real solution is to keep the starvin people inside the shaft alive by eatin the fat man. Problem solved.
    FAF.: But Giblets what if in killin the fat man you are motivated not by the duty of savin the trapped people but by petty hatred of the fat man?
    GIBS.: Then in that case Giblets is bein efficient. Two birds with one stone.
    FAF.: OK but what if instead of a fat man there is a natural disaster trapped in the mine shaft like a tsunami or a comet?
    GIBS.: There is a comet trapped in the mine shaft?
    FAF.: Yeah cause yknow we want to say that from a utilitarian stanpoint that natural disasters are bad because of their large negative impact on people but they also have no motivations so we cant judge them from the point of "why did you blow up the dinosaurs comet it was against principles of higher justice."
    GIBS.: Nah, I think the comet's just the fat man again. Just a really really fat man on fire.
    FAF.: Sorta in disguise huh? Pretty sneaky!
    GIBS.: Fat men are crafty, always tryin to steal Giblets's ham jello.
    FAF.: But what if in order to save the starvin people in the mine shaft you have to give them your ham jello Giblets?
    GIBS.: But that would be wrong. It is Giblets's ham jello.
    FAF.: I am sorry Giblets they are starvin.
    GIBS.: But it is Giblets's! Feed them somethin else like the fat man or horses or straw.
    FAF.: There is nothin else to feed them Giblets. It has all been stolen.
    GIBS.: But -
    FAF.: By aliens.
    GIBS.: But Giblets's ham jello is Giblets's ham jello! It is Giblets's an it is Giblets's forever!
    FAF.: Cmon Giblets give it up.
    GIBS.: You give it up!
    FAF.: Ouch! Quit it!
    GIBS.: You quit it!
    FAF.: You quit it!
    GIBS.: AHHHH! Stop it!

    The gentlemen, now enlightened, proceed to the temple to observe the afternoon’s offering to the pig goddess.

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 10:36 AM
    Monday, July 12, 2004

    The Medium Lobster is pleased to see that serious action is finally being considered to give a four-person committee the power to postpone the presidential election. For, in the event of a terrorist attack on or around Election Day, it would be dangerous - nay, undemocratic - to allow American citizens to vote while under the dark and panicking influence of the enemies of freedom.

    And yet the Medium Lobster is not certain that postponement in just such an event goes far enough. After all, America cannot allow its election to be disrupted by any terrorist act, and wouldn't a major terrorist strike in Iraq or Saudi Arabia also raise that disrupting level of panic in the American voter's consciousness? For if Americans vote based on the nefarious and evil actions of Abu Musab Zarqawi, haven't we allowed the terrorists to win?

    But this points to an even greater dilemma: while one may prepare for a terrorist attack at home or abroad and the affect it may have upon the electoral process, one cannot prepare for the possibility of a terrorist attack at home or abroad and the affect it may have on the electoral process. Once one takes this into account, events such as the State Department's report detailing a sharp increase in terrorism for 2003 are themselves cause for putting off the election. As long as the voting public believes that somewhere, somehow, terrorists may strike at a vulnerability within the nation, their votes will be darkly influenced by concern for that vulnerability, and once again, America will be voting under the influence of bin Laden and his murderous fellow travelers.

    Indeed, as long as the United States grapples with the forces of terrorism, the shadow of Terror Itself will hang over the democratic process, infecting and poisoning it at the most fundamental levels. Can America allow itself to carry on any presidential election, knowing that its outcome may be influenced by the existence of terror, until Terror is, at long last, finally defeated? The answer, my friends, is a most resounding "no."

    Remember, after all, that in these days it is the darkest enemies of democracy we face, and in the war to defeat them, we cannot let democracy stand in the way.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:29 AM
    Sunday, July 11, 2004

    So Chris comes home an the basement is flooded. He's kinda upset.

    "What happened?" he says.
    "The washin machine broke Chris," says Giblets.
    "It's true," says me. "The washin machine is a very broken machine."
    "But don't worry," says Giblets. "We recognized the gravity of the situation, formed an investigatory committee, an came up with a report on the failure of the washin machine."

    Chris opens up the washin machine while the plumber drains the basement. The marbles start all spillin out.

    "This thing's filled with marbles!" he says. "Did you guys try to wash a full load of marbles here?!"
    "Okay, see Chris, this is why we wrote the report," says me holdin up the report.
    "Yeah Chris," says Giblets. "The report lays things out in a much more even-handed fashion."
    "We didn't approach the question of whether marbles were put into machines," says me, "although we concede there may have existed a highly marble-putting-into-ey environment."

    Chris starts gettin madder an goes on about "look I just wanna know who broke my washin machine blah blah" which is not resolvin the larger issue of universal washin machine failure.

    "Chris what we are dealin with here is a structural problem," says me.
    "Yeah," says Giblets. "The washin machine proves susceptible to 'groupbreak,' which is like breaking, but in a group."
    "It doesnt hold up to the tough pressures of the modern washin environment," says me.
    "Like for example a load of marbles," says Giblets.
    "It's really a very tricky situation an I for one am very glad we figured this out," says me.

    Chris is kinda holdin his head a little and does not look that happy so we get to the solution in the hopes that'll cheer him up.

    "Our conclusion at the end of the report is to buy a new washin machine," says me.
    "Preferably one that can wash a ton of marbles," says Giblets.

    Chris starts makin funny noises. I pat him reassuringly on the head an the plumber picks some marbles out of the drain.
    posted by fafnir at 5:36 PM

    Fafnir is a broken-hearted Fafnir. For I was deceived. Deceived by the story of Joe Wilson who as it turns out lied about absolutely everything he said to anyone ever because there in the Washington Post last Saturday exists definitive proof that somebody somewhere has said that his wife, exposed CIA agent Valerie Plame, got him his job checking out if Saddam Hussein had tried to buy uranium from Niger.

    Poor foolish Fafnir! I had thought somehow this was all about how exposing the identity of a covert CIA agent is a federal crime but apparently it is really about how her husband is a big fat jerk who got a job by ridin his wife's coattails. I don't quite understand what that has to do with a criminal investigation but hipublican intellectual Jonah Goldberg does so that's OK.*

    In the meantime because I was tricked into believin in Joe Wilson, I also believed that Saddam Hussein's nuclear program didnt exist when in fact it must have because Joe Wilson got his job from his wife! Even now I am trembling in fear in the knowledge that somewhere out there Saddam Hussein is sittin on a giant pile of Nigerien yellowcake uranium. "Ho ho ho," laughs Saddam Hussein as he takes a bite of rich, creamy uranium. "Soon I will grow ten thousand times my current size, spewing radioactive fire breath across Mesopotamia, until as Nuculo-Saddam I shall control the Middle East!" "Oh no Saddam don't do that!" I say. "It is too late!" he laughs. "And I owe it all to you, Fafnir - to you and all the other hapless peaceniks deceived by the nepotism of Joseph and Valerie Plame-Wilson!"

    Oh no! Whatever will we do?

    *Joe Wilson could learn a lot from Jonah in fact. With his deep intellectual honesty an cutting-edge use of Simpsons references it is easy to see why Jonah Goldberg didnt need nepotism to get him where he is today.
    posted by fafnir at 3:32 PM

    So me an Giblets an the bowl of frosted flakes an bananas are stuck sittin on top of the dryer talkin.

    "Harrumph," says Giblets.
    "Think Chris'll be mad?" says me.
    "Why should he be?" says Giblets. "Not our fault the basement flooded. It's God's. He knew what was gonna happen when we put all those marbles in the washin machine an he didnt do squat."
    "That's very true," says me. "Foreknowledge is fore-responsibility. For shame, God."
    "I don't think Chris will believe it," says Giblets. "Chris does not believe in God."
    "I don't understand why," says me. "There is plenty of anecdotal evidence like the Jesus tortilla."
    "Does God really look like Jesus or does God really look like the tortilla?" says Giblets.
    "The Catholic Church has informed me in numerous paintins that God is a really big ol man in the sky with a beard," says me.
    "That is absurd," says Giblets. "Everyone knows that God is a really big ol rabbit in the sky with a beard."
    "Very true," says me. "There is plenty of anecdotal evidence."
    "We must attend to survival," says Giblets. "One of us must be eaten so the rest of us can survive."
    "Oh no!" says me. "Cannibalism!"
    "It is tough but all in the name of survival," says Giblets."Now I think we should set up a fair an equitable system for this. The person who is most made of milk and sugared cereal should be eaten first by the other two."
    "Wait a minute Giblets!" says me grabbin protectively at the bowl of frosted flakes an bananas. "I see what you are up to! This is another cynical ploy to eat one of my friends who happens to be made of food!"
    "All I am tryin to do is y'know make sure we do not all starve," says Giblets, "an that the ones of us who do not starve do not have to eat soggy cereal. But if you like we will draw straws which will be more fair."
    "All right I will agree to that," says me.
    "The one who picks the short straw will get eaten," says Giblets. "You an me will pick the long straws first."
    "Okay," says me. "Wait a minute Giblets! I see what you are up to!"
    "Harrumph," says Giblets. An the great river of life washes on through our lives an through our basement.

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    posted by fafnir at 2:29 PM
    Saturday, July 10, 2004

    Ralph Nader has been in the news a lot lately what with his independent run for president an his recent debate with Howard Dean on NPR. Recently he let me interview him for Fafblog (how do we keep gettin all these big names? it is amazin let me tell you!). Here is the whole thing:

    FAFBLOG: Ralph Nader it is great to see you again an may I just say that is a cool sock puppet you got there!
    RALPH NADER: That's no sock puppet! That's Mister Winkles, my running mate!
    SOCK PUPPET: I looooove Nadah!
    NADER: After years of cold betrayal at the hands of the real corporate puppets like the Democrats and the Greens and my former staff, I've finally found a partnership I can trust in Nader-Winkles!
    PUPPET: Nadah-Winkles forevah! I'm maaaaade of candy!
    FB: Ralph Nader some people say you are a spoiler.
    NADER: You can't spoil milk if it's already been spoiled!
    FB: Hahaha! It's funny because we're usin two completely different versions of the word spoil!
    PUPPET: Nadah is a comic genius!
    FB: But Ralph Nader they say you are goin to get George Bush elected again by takin votes away from John Kerry.
    NADER: Wrong. I'm in this race to help John Kerry get elected by taking votes away from George Bush!
    FB: Ohhhhhhhhhh! Well they've got it totally backwards then!
    NADER: Of course they do! In fact, there's a ton of conservatives out there who are itching to vote for a candidate who'll fight for broad legalization of gay marriage, universal single-payer health care, and a living wage!
    PUPPET: Right-wing Republicans looooooove Nadah!
    FB: That would probably explain why so many right-wing groups are tryin to get you on the ballot Ralph. Cause a the gay marriage stuff.
    NADER: That's a total lie! I've never heard of those groups and those stories have been concocted by liberal elites to smear my good name!
    FB: Oh no! Not liberal elites!
    NADER: They're ruining this country, Fafnir, and Ralph Nader won't stand for them!
    FB: Now Ralph in 2000 you said Al Gore an George Bush were pretty much the same.
    NADER: Tweedledum and Tweedledumber!
    FB: Hehehe! That still cracks me up it's so good.
    PUPPET: Comedy gold!
    FB: Now we are a year an a half into a war with Iraq an there are serious indications that the torture situation comin out of places like Abu Ghraib was in some way the result of administration policy. Do you still think Al Gore would have been just as bad?
    NADER: Of course! They both take money from their corporate puppetmasters and we all know that General Motors and Microsoft are nothing but corrupt outcroppings of the well-funded corporate pro-torture lobby!
    PUPPET: Al Gore uses Nike-brand thumbscrews on children! I seen it!
    FB: Wow, I never thought about it that way! Now Howard Dean has criticized you for takin money from a Republican corporate lobbyist.
    NADER: Howard Dean was an insurgent, now he's a detergent!
    FB: Hohoho! I don't get that one.
    NADER: Listen: it's all very simple. When Democrats take dirty corporate money from dirty corporations, it taints them irrevocably. When I take money from the same corporations, I eat it and then excrete it in the form of pure white energy which then is added to my aura of holy goodness which I will than use to fight those corporations.
    FB: Wow! That's amazing! Why should Americans vote for you Ralph Nader instead of say the Constitution Party or the Netocratic Party?
    NADER: Because I am the only man in America who can prevent intenational corporations from inserting wires into the brains of our nation's youth - and owning them forever!
    FB: America owes you such a debt Ralph Nader!
    NADER: I made tupperware safe, god dammit! And I'm going to make America safe!
    PUPPET: And screw the Democrats in a decades-old personal spitefest!
    NADER: [throwing PUPPET to the ground] God damn you! I thought I could trust you! And now you, you of all people, have betrayed me!
    FB: Um.
    NADER: [stomping on PUPPET] God damn you! God damn you all to hell!
    posted by fafnir at 2:45 PM

    Katherine from Obsidian Wings is leavin Planet Blog in her rocket powered spaceship to Earth but she has left behind one last post on torture an American human rights abuses in the war on terror. It is a very good post an you all should read it.

    "But Fafnir I do not want to read about torture" you say because you are a lazy whining person. "I want to read about gumdrops an rainbows and Presidents who are made of gumdrops an rainbows an use them to blow up the terrorists."
    No you should really read it it is a very important issue now go or I will have Giblets hit you with the waffle again.
    "Blah blah blah torture, blah blah blah human rights. I like watchin things blow up on television, it gives me a feelin of comfy security, readin about human rights violations makes me feel bad."
    That does it, Im tellin Giblets to go get the waffle! He's gettin the waffle now!
    "Okay Fafnir I will do whatever you say just so long as Giblets an the waffle are not involved!"

    It's so easy to kind of sweep it all under your brain an think "Well theres nothin more to be said an nothin more to think about it" cause let's face it nobody wants to think about their government participating in horror. An right now the level of torture talk has gone from "Torture: Bad!" to "Torture: Bad, But Not As Bad As Saddam Hussein" to "Torture: Bad, But What About Ticking Bombs?" to "Torture: Bad, But Not Necessarily Proof That The People Who Ordered Torture Are Bad" to "Torture: We Still Talkin Bout Torture?" to "Torture: Bad?" An before we get to "Torture: Sorta Like Mowin Your Lawn" I think we should try as hard as we can to wake up.
    posted by fafnir at 11:07 AM
    Thursday, July 8, 2004

    duck bill gates duck! oh noooo!These are the dangerous pies. These are the sudden pies. These are the pies of sudden hilarity an sudden death. They are the assassin pies.

    You will never expect these pies because that is their way. It is their dark and secret code. They appear an disappear like the night an when they strike they strike without mercy and they only leave cream and tragicomedy in their wake.

    how can you spoil a system that has already been spoiled - by pie?One minute you'll be sittin there in your sofa or your board room or your captain's lounge or your livin room or your House of Lords and you will be sayin somethin like "Oh well now Chuck" because of course you are talkin to Chuck "as you can see expenditures are vastly overtaken by profits in this quarter an we can all breathe a sigh of relief I'd say because there are of course no pies around" an then Chuck an the Director an Lucy an the Pope an Doctor Groggins all start to laugh an laugh with relief at your good good news an THERE IT IS a pie right out of the blue and it hits someone SMACK RIGHT IN THE FACE an they arent just Chuck or the Director or Lucy or the Pope or Doctor Groggins anymore they are Chuck or the Director or Lucy or the Pope or Doctor Groggins or you with pie all over their face and there's nothin you can do, an the first thing you want to do is laugh because hey it's a pie an pies are fun until you realize The Terrible Horror Of It All and the Vast And Terrible Tragedy sinks in.

    another tortured victimWhy was I hit with such a pie? you will think with pie runnin down your face. Because you were there that is why. Whether you are an astronaut or bicyclist or a monkey made of smaller monkeys you are a target for the predator pie.

    Is there anything you can do to stop them? No, these pies are like the pies of Nature, swift and unstoppable. Can you predict where they will strike? No, for they are as unpredictable as the wind. The only thing you can do is be prepared. Be prepared and be ready to fight for cruel survival at the hands of the assassin pies.

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 9:23 PM

    Sebastian Holsclaw is Giblets's new favorite blogger. He has an interesting idea, by way of Jonah Goldberg. The interesting idea, see, is that if Michael Moore uses half-truths and innuendo to make his points but is pretty much right about the Iraq War being a fraud and George Bush being a liar and so on, then what's the problem with Joe McCarthy, who also used half-truths and innuendo to make his points and was pretty much right about communism being bad? Isn't Michael Moore the same as Joe McCarthy?

    It's an interesting idea. Yep. An interesting idea. Which got Giblets thinking about Big Bird and Hitler.

    See, when Giblets was just a little Giblets, he used to watch Seseme Street. And on Seseme Street, Big Bird used to sing this song while he sorted out objects of different colors and shapes. And he would sing "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong."

    And Hitler also pointed out the differences between groups of things, when he pointed out the difference between the pureblood Aryan race and the corruption of international Jewry that pervaded it. So both Big Bird and Hitler talked a lot about differences, and tried to train people who watched them to sort out what was different from what was the same. So isn't Big Bird the same as Hitler?

    It's an interesting idea. Yep. A really interesting idea.
    posted by Giblets at 6:18 PM

    Oh no! Fafblog brings you this very urgent Terror Update Announcement Update from Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge who has announced that al Qaeda is planning to strike somewhere around the November elections to disrupt our democratic process! Tom Ridge does not know when it will happen or how it will happen or where it will happen but we can only assume the terrorists will take the most direct approach by running a third party candidate!

    "Oh no Fafnir!" you are screamin in eternal panic. "How will I ever stop myself from votin for terrorists now!"

    It is okay to panic, after all it is Tom Ridge here! He does not just come out an issue non-alert-level terror warnings every two months or so yknow! But there is plenty you can do to avoid votin for terror. First look carefully at the ballot:

    GEORGE BUSH, Republican Party [safe]
    JOHN KERRY, Democratic Party [safe]
    ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI, Terrorist Party [unsafe!]
    "But Fafnir!" you say still screamin in understandable horror. "I will vote for terrorists on election day because their clever platform of universal healthcare and sharia law is so seductively appealing!"

    This is true but you must use all your willpower to fight it! Remember that if the Terrorist Party wins on election day then the Terrorists will have already won!

    "Oh this is all so confusin Fafnir!" you scream with your throat gettin kinda hoarse. "I do not know whether I can keep the terrorists straight from the Democrats an the Greens an Dick Cheney! Maybe I should just vote for the Natural Law Party!"

    If in doubt stay home an let the nice gentlemen from the computer votin companies will vote for you. Stay safe, panic in moderation, an this will be a safe and terror-free, terrorized election for all concerned.
    posted by fafnir at 10:56 AM
    Wednesday, July 7, 2004

    So today Chris comes home an says "Soemthin smells funny."
    An I says "Well it must be your imagination Chris that is you must be smellin your funny-smellin imagination because I sure do not smell anythin funny here no sir."
    An Chris says "That sure is a lot of Faftalk for not smellin anythin funny" an I says "maybe" an he says "Could it be all those sausages you have left out there in the living room for several days now?"
    An I says "Now Chris I do not know what you are talkin about, sausages! I dont see any sausages here I see several well-dressed ladies and gentlemen in well-attired if very loose-fittin period garb."
    Chris says "Fafnir what you have there is sausages in Regency dress."
    So I says "Chris if you are accusin me of throwin costumes over a bunch of sausages in a botched attempt to conceal them from you and the local authorities by passin them off as visitin 18th century nobles well then I am just taken aback. I will say good day to you sir."
    An that's pretty much where things would've stuck if it wasnt for Giblets that little squealer, who says "Get rid of em Chris they are stinkin up the joint" an then the jig is up an I have to defend my friends the sausages and their independence which I have been tryin to maintain all week since liberatin them on Independence Day, an Chris is not too happy anyway since me an Giblets helped liberate Chris from his job by throwin spare sausages at his boss back on Independence Do (which is the day after Independence Day, when you "Do" somethin for Independence).
    In the end I have been very sadly disappointed in Chris's commitment to Jeffersonianism.
    posted by fafnir at 5:46 PM
    Tuesday, July 6, 2004

    So I guess it's gonna be John Edwards. I like John Edwards, I mean hes got real pretty eyes an all but personally I am a little disappointed because I was holdin out hope for a unity ticket. I know I know you are all sayin "oh fafnir that was such a long shot" but still I think that if you combine Kerry with a guy like that who has that kinda defense an bipartisan credibility I think you would make for a really great team. It is just a shame that Batman didnt go for it.

    A Kerry-Batman ticket would be sure to win everybody but hardcore social conservatives and superstitious and cowardly lots. Batman brings his tough-on-crime stance a lot of bipartisan credentials and a surprisingly strong Latino support, plus he has some innovative ideas on tort reform. With his years of opposition to the evil Ra's al Ghul Batman has a lot of counterterrorism experience, plus his tenure with the Justice League makes him an ideal internationalist. Now I know the big drawbacks to Batman are always (1) he is a big Republican (2) he is kind of a crazy hawk an (3) he doesnt exist but I really think Kerry coulda made it work if he threw him somethin in the platform like extra funding for security in Arkham Asylum which we totally need anyway, what is up with that place the Joker escapes like once a month.
    posted by fafnir at 11:38 PM

    Well, John Kerry has selected his running mate, and the Medium Lobster is unsurprised. John Kerry has flip-flopped once again, as he has throughout his sadly unprincipled career, in choosing John Edwards. How, you naively ask, can the selection of a vice presedential nominee be a flip-flop? Those with higher wisdom already understand, but for the unenlightened, the Medium Lobster will attempt to guide the way.

    We know that it took some time for Kerry to come to a decision on his vice presidential pick. In that time, it's safe to say Kerry was preferring different candidates. Ergo, it is equally safe to say there existed some period of time X during which Kerry preferred some candidate who was not Edwards. However, since time X and the present, Kerry has switched from not-Edwards to Edwards, in another shameless Kerry flip-flop. QED.

    Why would Kerry so suddenly discard such a cherished ethical position as a vice presidential preference? The Medium Lobster can only proffer that it was for the most unscrupulous and amoral of opportunistic motives and that it reflects a vast moral vaccuum of deadly proportions lurking in the senator from Massachusetts.

    Some less knowledgable than the Medium Lobster might suggest that the same formula may be applied to George W. Bush's vice presidential selection process. Those sadly confused souls will have undoubtedly forgotten that Bush possesses the quality of Strong Leadership, which means that his decisions are actually the temporal instantiations of immutable, unchangable, transtemporal truths. Indeed, when George Bush selected Dick Cheney to be his running mate, he did so by discerning a priori that he had already done so, since the beginning of time, from First Principles. There are rumors to the contrary but these, of course, are from secondary and apocryphal sources and should be ignored.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:20 PM

    John Edwards! Fah! Giblets scoffs at the sorry and miserable excuse for a veep pick that is John Edwards! If John Kerry was a real man he would have picked Giblets for his vice president - and been swiftly and viciously rejected, for Giblets will be no one's vice ANYTHING! Bow before Giblets's air of executive authority! Bow before Giblets's air of executive authority NOOOOOOOW!

    Now let Giblets enumerate the many failings and corruptions of John Edwards, a miserable excuse for a vice president whom we all will be better off without!

  • He is a trial lawyer! You cannot trust trial lawyers, they stink of corruption and the corrupting influence of the trial lawyer industry! We need a vice president who is unsullied by ties to wealthy and corrupt industries!
  • He is too inexperienced! With only six years of experience in politics John Edwards is not qualified for the vice presidency. Now, if those six years were as Texas governor and if he were running for president, things would be totally different. But as it stands, he is too inexperienced!
  • He is a trial lawyer! As a trial lawyer Edwards repeatedly stole money from poor corporations to give to greedy children crippled by their products! Do we really need a vice president who is a lackey of Big Children? Giblets thinks not!
  • He is an unaccomplished liberal! What war's he started, huh? How many pointless quagmires has he stranded the American military in? Can he take a look at the monstrously-swelling national debt and say "I did that"? How many no-bid war contracts has he handed out to incompetant corporate cronies? Giblets will take John Edwards seriously when John Edwards starts doing something serious.
  • He is a trial lawyer! Giblets may have mentioned this before, he is not sure. But Giblets knows some great lawyer jokes. So a rabbi, a lawyer, and an elephant are on a bus.
  • posted by Giblets at 4:03 PM

    The Fafblog World News Desk has just gotten a hold of the new ad for George Bush featurin John McCain! Wow how do we do this, it is pretty amazin I'll tell you!

    "We're in a war."
    [John McCain addressing camera]

    "A war between right and wrong. Good and evil."
    [John McCain, George Bush, and Jesus standing in front of an American tank. Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and Satan stand in front of the inflamed pits of hell across from it]

    "Evil wants to get nuclear bombs, and plant them inside the brains of your small children."
    [sinister close-up of Saddam Hussein hovering over a child picking daisies]

    "Evil would have gotten them from Iraq, an evil place made entirely of nuclear bombs. But George Bush blew up those bombs with other bombs - good bombs - and made them go away, with his steely resolve."
    [George Bush descending from the heavens with the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove]

    "But Evil may still get those nuclear bombs - presumably from leprechauns, or the treacherous Mogwai - and we can never let down our guard."
    [sinister zoom-out of dark-skinned man at a playground with a warhead under his trenchcoat]

    "I'm Senator John McCain, rugged individualist. I march to the beat of my own drummer and I don't give a damn about 'parties' or 'politics.' I'm a man's man."
    [John McCain tearing a bear in half with his teeth]

    "I'm also made of guns."
    [still photo of a cannon popping out of John McCain's chest, killing alien]

    "And I want you to know that if we don't re-elect George W. Bush, someone will detonate a nuclear bomb in America."
    [sinister close-up of Saddam Hussein with arm around a beret-wearing John Kerry]

    "Inside the brains of your small children."
    [sinister close-up of Saddam Hussein and a beret-wearing John Kerry eating a small child]

    "May I introduce to you the man who will bear my child: George W. Bush."
    posted by fafnir at 7:57 AM
    Monday, July 5, 2004

    So it turns out that yesterday while everyone was out grilling bugers and watchin' fireworks and listening to their elderly relatives complain about "Oh Giblets my catheter bag is soooo heavy and painful" George W Bush went and gutted the Endangered Species Act by changing a ton of rules through which it's enforced. Which is funny, 'cause Giblets woulda thought he'd have done it on a day when people would pay attention, like Earth Day, when the president visited wetlands to talk about his environmental record. Giblets thinks a nice little announcement for this latest initiative might have involved the president shooting a condor in the head in the Rose Garden. This is why Giblets needs to be on Bush's media team.

    The new rules take a more "optional" approach to the Endangered Species Act, replacing "enforcement" of existing laws with "incentives" that make it easier for you to "get away with killing protected species." Bush's Secretary of the Interior calls this "New Environmentalism," which is probably more accurately descibed as "Not Environmentalism."

    And Giblets for one thinks it is about damn time. Signed into law by notorious left-wing extremist Richard Nixon, the Endangered Species Act has long stood in the way of mankind's Manifest Destiny of throwin' every limited resource in the world into a big pile and settin' it on fire. Before if Giblets wanted to torch a hideous old-growth forest and replace it with a beautiful shopping mall, he'd have to make sure there wasn't some spotted owl or bald eagle or baby in there. But now it's burn, baby, burn!

    Giblets is pretty sure that anyone who cares about "endangered plants and animals" must be some crazy PETA person he can safely ignore, and to convince himself otherwise he would have to read big thick books about things like "biodiversity" and "ecological interdependence." Books are insolent! What Giblets is trying to say, in his studiously uninformed opinion, is species die, shit happens, get over it. It's not like it affects Giblets. Like everyone else I walk around in a self-contained hermetically-sealed suit of cyborg armor drawing as its power source an infinite source of energy, and am therefore unaffected by what happens to the outside world.

    Labels:

    posted by Giblets at 4:11 PM

    Well there are tons a rumors flyin an it seems like John Kerry's gonna announce his Vice President pick tomorrow. Wow! Who can Kerry find to spice up his already excitin ticket? Will it be political rockstar Dick Gephardt? Beloved bathroom chronicler Bob Graham? Some guy named Vilsack?

    "Who do you think it is gonna be, sausage?" says me. The sausage is oddly taciturn.

    I have a lot of sausages in the living room. I liberated them yesterday in an act of celebratory sausage independence. I believe sausage has the right to live a full and healthy life as much as anyone else but I gotta say these guys are some pretty borin sausages.

    There are some who say it is either gonna be Dick Gephardt or John Edwards. Yknow I can see this would be a pretty tricky decision. John Edwards gives you that youthful dynamic energy while Dick Gephardt gives you that youthful dynamic energy in the form of an old beaten rundown party machine crushed under the weight of its own obsolescence. So you gotta weigh the pros and cons for a while.
    posted by fafnir at 2:56 PM
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