Saturday, July 10, 2004
Ralph Nader has been in the news a lot lately what with his independent run for president an his recent debate with Howard Dean on NPR. Recently he let me interview him for Fafblog (how do we keep gettin all these big names? it is amazin let me tell you!). Here is the whole thing:
FAFBLOG: Ralph Nader it is great to see you again an may I just say that is a cool sock puppet you got there!
RALPH NADER: That's no sock puppet! That's Mister Winkles, my running mate!
SOCK PUPPET: I looooove Nadah!
NADER: After years of cold betrayal at the hands of the real corporate puppets like the Democrats and the Greens and my former staff, I've finally found a partnership I can trust in Nader-Winkles!
PUPPET: Nadah-Winkles forevah! I'm maaaaade of candy!
FB: Ralph Nader some people say you are a spoiler.
NADER: You can't spoil milk if it's already been spoiled!
FB: Hahaha! It's funny because we're usin two completely different versions of the word spoil!
PUPPET: Nadah is a comic genius!
FB: But Ralph Nader they say you are goin to get George Bush elected again by takin votes away from John Kerry.
NADER: Wrong. I'm in this race to help John Kerry get elected by taking votes away from George Bush!
FB: Ohhhhhhhhhh! Well they've got it totally backwards then!
NADER: Of course they do! In fact, there's a ton of conservatives out there who are itching to vote for a candidate who'll fight for broad legalization of gay marriage, universal single-payer health care, and a living wage!
PUPPET: Right-wing Republicans looooooove Nadah!
FB: That would probably explain why so many right-wing groups are tryin to get you on the ballot Ralph. Cause a the gay marriage stuff.
NADER: That's a total lie! I've never heard of those groups and those stories have been concocted by liberal elites to smear my good name!
FB: Oh no! Not liberal elites!
NADER: They're ruining this country, Fafnir, and Ralph Nader won't stand for them!
FB: Now Ralph in 2000 you said Al Gore an George Bush were pretty much the same.
NADER: Tweedledum and Tweedledumber!
FB: Hehehe! That still cracks me up it's so good.
PUPPET: Comedy gold!
FB: Now we are a year an a half into a war with Iraq an there are serious indications that the torture situation comin out of places like Abu Ghraib was in some way the result of administration policy. Do you still think Al Gore would have been just as bad?
NADER: Of course! They both take money from their corporate puppetmasters and we all know that General Motors and Microsoft are nothing but corrupt outcroppings of the well-funded corporate pro-torture lobby!
PUPPET: Al Gore uses Nike-brand thumbscrews on children! I seen it!
FB: Wow, I never thought about it that way! Now Howard Dean has criticized you for takin money from a Republican corporate lobbyist.
NADER: Howard Dean was an insurgent, now he's a detergent!
FB: Hohoho! I don't get that one.
NADER: Listen: it's all very simple. When Democrats take dirty corporate money from dirty corporations, it taints them irrevocably. When I take money from the same corporations, I eat it and then excrete it in the form of pure white energy which then is added to my aura of holy goodness which I will than use to fight those corporations.
FB: Wow! That's amazing! Why should Americans vote for you Ralph Nader instead of say the Constitution Party or the Netocratic Party?
NADER: Because I am the only man in America who can prevent intenational corporations from inserting wires into the brains of our nation's youth - and owning them forever!
FB: America owes you such a debt Ralph Nader!
NADER: I made tupperware safe, god dammit! And I'm going to make America safe!
PUPPET: And screw the Democrats in a decades-old personal spitefest!
NADER: [throwing PUPPET to the ground] God damn you! I thought I could trust you! And now you, you of all people, have betrayed me!
NADER: [stomping on PUPPET] God damn you! God damn you all to hell!
posted by fafnir at 2:45 PM