Monday, July 26, 2004

We are currently waitin to get into the Democratic National Convention in Boston but there has been a slight hold-up as Giblets has been stopped by security tryin to sneak in as luggage. "Giblets defies credentials!" says Giblets to security. "Credentials are insolent!"

In the meantime here is an interview we did a couple days ago with doctor an Family Research Council family expert Dr. James Dobson on a vital matter of national importance.

FAFBLOG: Well Dr. James Dobson it has been a while since we had our last interview an in between the Ban Gay Marriage Amendment Amendment failed. How you been since then?
JAMES DOBSON: Just terrible, Fafnir. Because of the weakness and corruption of the United States Senate, I have been forced to become gay.
FB: Oh no!
JD: I'm afraid it's true, Fafnir. I now spend my nights in a ball gag and a chastity cage while Gary Bauer whips me from behind in his skintight leather bodice.
FB: That is terrible news Doctor James Dobson! Not only has gay marriage forced you to become gay, it has made you a bottom!
JD: And that's not the worst of it. Pat Robertson changed his name to "Trixie" and is giving handjobs in Tiajuana for five bucks a pop. Bill Bennet is a ponyboy in San Francisco. No one's seen Jerry Falwell since the FMA was killed, but there've been sightings of a heavy-set post-op tranny with three breasts, a chimpanzee sex slave, and a fiery Southern oratorial style along the backroads of Central Virginia.
FB: But how did all of this happen Dr. James Dobson?
JD: Well, it's all very simple. The legality of gay marriage sent out powerful shockwaves of destructive gay energy throughout hetereosexuality. Without an amendment to the constitution specifically barring homosexuals from obtaining marriage rights, this destructive Gay Force rampaged throughout the Traditional Family Nexus, corrupting it and turning thousands of upright, decent, missionary-position-loving straight couples into deranged, out-of-control mutant gay perverts.
FB: This is horrible! What in your scientific opinion as a doctor can we do to stop this?
JD: Well, humanity's only hope at this point lies in the Marriage Protection Act, which would strip federal courts of the ability to review the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. That way if the draconian anti-gay laws we need turn out to be unconstitutional, we'll never know, because the courts won't be able to stop them.
FB: Wow! Yknow when you think about it you could probably pass all kindsa crazy jurisdiction-stripping laws an it'd be almost as good as havin an amendment, only much easier!
JD: Really? I hadn't thought of that.
FB: Well Dr. James Dobson we have to go. Good luck with saving marriage!
JD: It may be too late for that, Fafnir. But pray for my soul as Rexella Van Impe pounds me in the ass with a strap-on.
FB: We will Dr. James Dobson. We will.
posted by fafnir at 7:53 PM

"Wow that sure was some crazy series of wild adventures we had while we were on break these last thirteen days wasn't it Giblets!" says me sittin on the bus to Giblets.
"Unnngh," says Giblets. "Giblets should never have eaten those twenty-seven cans of raw tuna."
"An now here we are on our way to the Democratic National Convention as accredited bloggers!" says me. "We are at the forefront of the New Media Cutting-Edge Media Thing Media Giblets!"
"Giblets feels green an scaly," says Giblets. "Sickly oils swirl about him in sinister hues. I am bloated to the gills with omega-3 fatty acids! To the gills I say!"
"An important non-bloggy people like Tim Russert an Sam Donaldson an Jesus will be there goin 'Fafnir tell us about the internet an how you write on the internet an how it is all different on the internet an how you are made of the internet' an it will be all so interestin," says me.
"Giblets wants to sleep," Giblets says. "But bloated an sickly as he is, he is vulnerable to his enemies. His soft underbelly is exposed to the likes of the French an the Pope an large cats."
"An of course there will be the cocktail weenies," says me.
"We must be wary," says Giblets.
"Yes," says me. "The cocktail weenies are not to be trusted."

The bus passes a very large fiberglass Big Boy an there is Boston ahead.
posted by fafnir at 7:12 PM

"...six cans of raw tuna... mmph hmmph schmh... seven cans of raw tuna..."

"Follow that car!"
"That car is a squirrel."
"Follow that squirrel!"
"That squirrel is a rock."
"Follow that rock!"
"We're standing on it. We're standing on the rock."

"...eighteen cans of raw tuna... errrmph.... mmerrmph... guh... nineteen cans of raw tuna... unnnfff... guunnfh..."

"Very clever, Mister Fafnir. But can you escape this very, very slow-moving laser while you are loosely tied to this wobbly table and I explain via monitor my evil plan for world domination? Mwa-hahahaha..."

KA-BOOOOOOOM!
"Wow... that's a cool sound effect!"
"Yeah, I've got like a million of those."
KA-BOOOOOOOM!
"Man I could just sit around playin the Kaboom effect forever!"
KA-BOOOOOOOM!
"Try the tap-dancing cow."
tappity-tappity-mmMMOOOOO-tappity-tappity

"...twenty-three cans... urrggh... of raw tuna... unnnffh... urrrrmff... urrrgle... aw, crud."
posted by fafnir at 6:32 PM
Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Giblets is lookin angry an there is so much to do.

"Giblets is angry!" says Giblets. "Giblets is angry because nobody understands Giblets an his vast Gibletsian needs! Giblets is people too!"
"Giblets we are sposed to be workin on the Super Top Secret Special Project What Is Really Secret An Special with the Medium Lobster," says me.
"Giblets cares not for the Super Top Secret Special Project What Is Really Secret An Special!" says Giblets. "Giblets is only interested in Giblets-related Giblets activites that properly fulfill his Gibletshood! An if people here do not understand that then GIBLETS IS RUNNIN AWAY!"
"Oh no!"

DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

"Yes Giblets is runnin away," says Giblets, "to find some public square for Giblets, where Gibletses can interact, debate an share information on a wide variety of Gibletsian issues. To provide a voice for mainstream Giblets an articulate the deeply held ideals of a free and virtuous Giblets."
"Giblets you are bein a crazy Giblets an you should stay here while I take care a the teapot an come back to talk you outta your craziness," says me.
"You will only have until I finish eatin this raw tuna," says Giblets. "These twenty-eight cans of raw tuna."

So I am runnin up the stairs to the teapot when out of the wall comes Santa!
"Oh no Santa what are you doin here!" says me. "It is not Christmastime yet!"
"It's Christmas in July!" says Santa lickin his sharp metal pointy Santa teeth. "And I've come to devour good little Fafnirs! Have you been a good little Fafnir this year?"
"Oh no!"

DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

"But I will let you live if you can answer the dark and insoluble mystery of Santa's Riddle!" says Santa.
"Okay Santa I am not very good at riddles but I will try!" says Fafnir.
"Alright, lessee here..." says Santa. "Which one was it... was it the one about the moose and the three monkeys, or the one with the fox and the chickn and the river, or the one with the..."
"Santa I gotta go cause I gotta talk Giblets outta runnin away an the teapot is boilin an if somethin doesnt happen soon it could wreck the burner," says me.
"Or the rhyming one about Time, or the one about pocketses..."

So I run into the kitchen but who is waitin for me but our evil alternate negaverse twins Fut's-Lung an Mutton!
"Oh no!"

DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

"Evil alternate negapeople what are you doin here!" says me.
"Ho ho ho Fafnir!" says Fut's-Lung "It is too late by now we have done all kindsa evil things! An we dont feel like tellin you what they are."
"Roam free before Mutton!" says Mutton. "Roam free before Mutton NOOOOOOOW!"
"Are they secret evil things I will never discover ever?" says me.
"Well for a start you know your Piñata Of Peace?" says Fut's-Lung.
"Yes my piñata that I filled with peace so when folks break it open they go 'oh we will now eat delicious candy' an then peace comes out an everybody associates peace with the delicious goodness of candy so everyone will love peace?" says me.
"Yes that Piñata Of Peace," says Fut's-Lung.
"I like it it is a very beautiful piñata," says me.
"Well we filled it with WAR!" says Fut's-Lung.
"Oh no!"

DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

"Make freedom for Mutton!" says Mutton. "Repeal tarrifs."
"Fut's-Lung and Mutton you are evil and alternate and wrong!" says me.
"An we did more than that!" says Fut's-Lung. "We have replaced half of all the furniture an appliances in your house with evil robots which look just like furniture!"
"Oh no!"

DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

"Since our universe is the opposite of yours all our furniture is made of evil robots," says Fut's-Lung. "Because none of the furniture in your universe is made of them."
"That makes a lot of sense," says me. "What do you use instead of evil robots?"
"Barcaloungers," says Mutton.
"How good are they?" says me.
"Eh," says Fut's-Lung.
"Fut's-Lung an Mutton I would love to stay an chat about your evil but Santa's tryin to eat me an Giblets is tryin to run away an the teapot is boilin an I really gotta take care of some things first," says me.

An then Chris shows up an he is NOT EATIN CHICKEN.
"Oh no!"

DUHN-DUHN-DUHN!

Is furniture really more effective than robots? Will there ever be a proper forum for Giblets an the Giblets-minded majority to gather an share Gibletsian viewpoints? Is Chris a vegetarian now or what? Tune into Fafblog after a break of several days time to find out!
posted by fafnir at 11:24 PM

OUR SCENE: FAFNIR has encountered GIBLETS in the Athenian market. FAFNIR is accompanying a goat which he intends to defend in court against the charge of impiety; GIBLETS has just taken first prize at the festival of Asclepius for disciplining a runaway cabbage.

FAFNIR: Why hello Giblets! I see you are almost fully immersed in a bowl of ham jello.
GIBLETS: Unnngh... Giblets is in such pain.
FAF.: Oh no Giblets! You have not been eatin pork to painful excess again have you?
GIBS.: Giblets does it... GLLGGLL... for national greatness. He stuffs himself with liquid ham... for the glory of the republic!
FAF.: But Giblets does the end always justify the means? For example say there is a man stuck in the opening of a mine shaft.
GIBS.: How would a man get stuck in a mine shaft? Mine shafts are huge.
FAF.: Well lets say he's a big fat man stuck in a mine shaft an there are like a dozen other people trapped in there because the fat man he is just so fat.
GIBS.: This is an improbably fat man we are talkin about.
FAF.: Maybe he has been eatin ham jello. For the glory of the republic.
GIBS.: Then he can stuff off. This is Giblets's ham jello.
FAF.: Anyway the question is should we blow up the fat man if there is no other way to get him out of the mine shaft to free the trapped an starving people inside when we know that blowin up the fat man is cruel murder?
GIBS.: Ha! I'd like to see you try! The explosives'll just make the mine shaft collapse an squish everyone inside.
FAF.: Giiiiblets, you're ruinin my moral dileeeema.
GIBS.: The real solution is to keep the starvin people inside the shaft alive by eatin the fat man. Problem solved.
FAF.: But Giblets what if in killin the fat man you are motivated not by the duty of savin the trapped people but by petty hatred of the fat man?
GIBS.: Then in that case Giblets is bein efficient. Two birds with one stone.
FAF.: OK but what if instead of a fat man there is a natural disaster trapped in the mine shaft like a tsunami or a comet?
GIBS.: There is a comet trapped in the mine shaft?
FAF.: Yeah cause yknow we want to say that from a utilitarian stanpoint that natural disasters are bad because of their large negative impact on people but they also have no motivations so we cant judge them from the point of "why did you blow up the dinosaurs comet it was against principles of higher justice."
GIBS.: Nah, I think the comet's just the fat man again. Just a really really fat man on fire.
FAF.: Sorta in disguise huh? Pretty sneaky!
GIBS.: Fat men are crafty, always tryin to steal Giblets's ham jello.
FAF.: But what if in order to save the starvin people in the mine shaft you have to give them your ham jello Giblets?
GIBS.: But that would be wrong. It is Giblets's ham jello.
FAF.: I am sorry Giblets they are starvin.
GIBS.: But it is Giblets's! Feed them somethin else like the fat man or horses or straw.
FAF.: There is nothin else to feed them Giblets. It has all been stolen.
GIBS.: But -
FAF.: By aliens.
GIBS.: But Giblets's ham jello is Giblets's ham jello! It is Giblets's an it is Giblets's forever!
FAF.: Cmon Giblets give it up.
GIBS.: You give it up!
FAF.: Ouch! Quit it!
GIBS.: You quit it!
FAF.: You quit it!
GIBS.: AHHHH! Stop it!

The gentlemen, now enlightened, proceed to the temple to observe the afternoon’s offering to the pig goddess.

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posted by fafnir at 10:36 AM
Monday, July 12, 2004

The Medium Lobster is pleased to see that serious action is finally being considered to give a four-person committee the power to postpone the presidential election. For, in the event of a terrorist attack on or around Election Day, it would be dangerous - nay, undemocratic - to allow American citizens to vote while under the dark and panicking influence of the enemies of freedom.

And yet the Medium Lobster is not certain that postponement in just such an event goes far enough. After all, America cannot allow its election to be disrupted by any terrorist act, and wouldn't a major terrorist strike in Iraq or Saudi Arabia also raise that disrupting level of panic in the American voter's consciousness? For if Americans vote based on the nefarious and evil actions of Abu Musab Zarqawi, haven't we allowed the terrorists to win?

But this points to an even greater dilemma: while one may prepare for a terrorist attack at home or abroad and the affect it may have upon the electoral process, one cannot prepare for the possibility of a terrorist attack at home or abroad and the affect it may have on the electoral process. Once one takes this into account, events such as the State Department's report detailing a sharp increase in terrorism for 2003 are themselves cause for putting off the election. As long as the voting public believes that somewhere, somehow, terrorists may strike at a vulnerability within the nation, their votes will be darkly influenced by concern for that vulnerability, and once again, America will be voting under the influence of bin Laden and his murderous fellow travelers.

Indeed, as long as the United States grapples with the forces of terrorism, the shadow of Terror Itself will hang over the democratic process, infecting and poisoning it at the most fundamental levels. Can America allow itself to carry on any presidential election, knowing that its outcome may be influenced by the existence of terror, until Terror is, at long last, finally defeated? The answer, my friends, is a most resounding "no."

Remember, after all, that in these days it is the darkest enemies of democracy we face, and in the war to defeat them, we cannot let democracy stand in the way.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:29 AM
Sunday, July 11, 2004

So Chris comes home an the basement is flooded. He's kinda upset.

"What happened?" he says.
"The washin machine broke Chris," says Giblets.
"It's true," says me. "The washin machine is a very broken machine."
"But don't worry," says Giblets. "We recognized the gravity of the situation, formed an investigatory committee, an came up with a report on the failure of the washin machine."

Chris opens up the washin machine while the plumber drains the basement. The marbles start all spillin out.

"This thing's filled with marbles!" he says. "Did you guys try to wash a full load of marbles here?!"
"Okay, see Chris, this is why we wrote the report," says me holdin up the report.
"Yeah Chris," says Giblets. "The report lays things out in a much more even-handed fashion."
"We didn't approach the question of whether marbles were put into machines," says me, "although we concede there may have existed a highly marble-putting-into-ey environment."

Chris starts gettin madder an goes on about "look I just wanna know who broke my washin machine blah blah" which is not resolvin the larger issue of universal washin machine failure.

"Chris what we are dealin with here is a structural problem," says me.
"Yeah," says Giblets. "The washin machine proves susceptible to 'groupbreak,' which is like breaking, but in a group."
"It doesnt hold up to the tough pressures of the modern washin environment," says me.
"Like for example a load of marbles," says Giblets.
"It's really a very tricky situation an I for one am very glad we figured this out," says me.

Chris is kinda holdin his head a little and does not look that happy so we get to the solution in the hopes that'll cheer him up.

"Our conclusion at the end of the report is to buy a new washin machine," says me.
"Preferably one that can wash a ton of marbles," says Giblets.

Chris starts makin funny noises. I pat him reassuringly on the head an the plumber picks some marbles out of the drain.
posted by fafnir at 5:36 PM

Fafnir is a broken-hearted Fafnir. For I was deceived. Deceived by the story of Joe Wilson who as it turns out lied about absolutely everything he said to anyone ever because there in the Washington Post last Saturday exists definitive proof that somebody somewhere has said that his wife, exposed CIA agent Valerie Plame, got him his job checking out if Saddam Hussein had tried to buy uranium from Niger.

Poor foolish Fafnir! I had thought somehow this was all about how exposing the identity of a covert CIA agent is a federal crime but apparently it is really about how her husband is a big fat jerk who got a job by ridin his wife's coattails. I don't quite understand what that has to do with a criminal investigation but hipublican intellectual Jonah Goldberg does so that's OK.*

In the meantime because I was tricked into believin in Joe Wilson, I also believed that Saddam Hussein's nuclear program didnt exist when in fact it must have because Joe Wilson got his job from his wife! Even now I am trembling in fear in the knowledge that somewhere out there Saddam Hussein is sittin on a giant pile of Nigerien yellowcake uranium. "Ho ho ho," laughs Saddam Hussein as he takes a bite of rich, creamy uranium. "Soon I will grow ten thousand times my current size, spewing radioactive fire breath across Mesopotamia, until as Nuculo-Saddam I shall control the Middle East!" "Oh no Saddam don't do that!" I say. "It is too late!" he laughs. "And I owe it all to you, Fafnir - to you and all the other hapless peaceniks deceived by the nepotism of Joseph and Valerie Plame-Wilson!"

Oh no! Whatever will we do?

*Joe Wilson could learn a lot from Jonah in fact. With his deep intellectual honesty an cutting-edge use of Simpsons references it is easy to see why Jonah Goldberg didnt need nepotism to get him where he is today.
posted by fafnir at 3:32 PM

So me an Giblets an the bowl of frosted flakes an bananas are stuck sittin on top of the dryer talkin.

"Harrumph," says Giblets.
"Think Chris'll be mad?" says me.
"Why should he be?" says Giblets. "Not our fault the basement flooded. It's God's. He knew what was gonna happen when we put all those marbles in the washin machine an he didnt do squat."
"That's very true," says me. "Foreknowledge is fore-responsibility. For shame, God."
"I don't think Chris will believe it," says Giblets. "Chris does not believe in God."
"I don't understand why," says me. "There is plenty of anecdotal evidence like the Jesus tortilla."
"Does God really look like Jesus or does God really look like the tortilla?" says Giblets.
"The Catholic Church has informed me in numerous paintins that God is a really big ol man in the sky with a beard," says me.
"That is absurd," says Giblets. "Everyone knows that God is a really big ol rabbit in the sky with a beard."
"Very true," says me. "There is plenty of anecdotal evidence."
"We must attend to survival," says Giblets. "One of us must be eaten so the rest of us can survive."
"Oh no!" says me. "Cannibalism!"
"It is tough but all in the name of survival," says Giblets."Now I think we should set up a fair an equitable system for this. The person who is most made of milk and sugared cereal should be eaten first by the other two."
"Wait a minute Giblets!" says me grabbin protectively at the bowl of frosted flakes an bananas. "I see what you are up to! This is another cynical ploy to eat one of my friends who happens to be made of food!"
"All I am tryin to do is y'know make sure we do not all starve," says Giblets, "an that the ones of us who do not starve do not have to eat soggy cereal. But if you like we will draw straws which will be more fair."
"All right I will agree to that," says me.
"The one who picks the short straw will get eaten," says Giblets. "You an me will pick the long straws first."
"Okay," says me. "Wait a minute Giblets! I see what you are up to!"
"Harrumph," says Giblets. An the great river of life washes on through our lives an through our basement.

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posted by fafnir at 2:29 PM
Saturday, July 10, 2004

Ralph Nader has been in the news a lot lately what with his independent run for president an his recent debate with Howard Dean on NPR. Recently he let me interview him for Fafblog (how do we keep gettin all these big names? it is amazin let me tell you!). Here is the whole thing:

FAFBLOG: Ralph Nader it is great to see you again an may I just say that is a cool sock puppet you got there!
RALPH NADER: That's no sock puppet! That's Mister Winkles, my running mate!
SOCK PUPPET: I looooove Nadah!
NADER: After years of cold betrayal at the hands of the real corporate puppets like the Democrats and the Greens and my former staff, I've finally found a partnership I can trust in Nader-Winkles!
PUPPET: Nadah-Winkles forevah! I'm maaaaade of candy!
FB: Ralph Nader some people say you are a spoiler.
NADER: You can't spoil milk if it's already been spoiled!
FB: Hahaha! It's funny because we're usin two completely different versions of the word spoil!
PUPPET: Nadah is a comic genius!
FB: But Ralph Nader they say you are goin to get George Bush elected again by takin votes away from John Kerry.
NADER: Wrong. I'm in this race to help John Kerry get elected by taking votes away from George Bush!
FB: Ohhhhhhhhhh! Well they've got it totally backwards then!
NADER: Of course they do! In fact, there's a ton of conservatives out there who are itching to vote for a candidate who'll fight for broad legalization of gay marriage, universal single-payer health care, and a living wage!
PUPPET: Right-wing Republicans looooooove Nadah!
FB: That would probably explain why so many right-wing groups are tryin to get you on the ballot Ralph. Cause a the gay marriage stuff.
NADER: That's a total lie! I've never heard of those groups and those stories have been concocted by liberal elites to smear my good name!
FB: Oh no! Not liberal elites!
NADER: They're ruining this country, Fafnir, and Ralph Nader won't stand for them!
FB: Now Ralph in 2000 you said Al Gore an George Bush were pretty much the same.
NADER: Tweedledum and Tweedledumber!
FB: Hehehe! That still cracks me up it's so good.
PUPPET: Comedy gold!
FB: Now we are a year an a half into a war with Iraq an there are serious indications that the torture situation comin out of places like Abu Ghraib was in some way the result of administration policy. Do you still think Al Gore would have been just as bad?
NADER: Of course! They both take money from their corporate puppetmasters and we all know that General Motors and Microsoft are nothing but corrupt outcroppings of the well-funded corporate pro-torture lobby!
PUPPET: Al Gore uses Nike-brand thumbscrews on children! I seen it!
FB: Wow, I never thought about it that way! Now Howard Dean has criticized you for takin money from a Republican corporate lobbyist.
NADER: Howard Dean was an insurgent, now he's a detergent!
FB: Hohoho! I don't get that one.
NADER: Listen: it's all very simple. When Democrats take dirty corporate money from dirty corporations, it taints them irrevocably. When I take money from the same corporations, I eat it and then excrete it in the form of pure white energy which then is added to my aura of holy goodness which I will than use to fight those corporations.
FB: Wow! That's amazing! Why should Americans vote for you Ralph Nader instead of say the Constitution Party or the Netocratic Party?
NADER: Because I am the only man in America who can prevent intenational corporations from inserting wires into the brains of our nation's youth - and owning them forever!
FB: America owes you such a debt Ralph Nader!
NADER: I made tupperware safe, god dammit! And I'm going to make America safe!
PUPPET: And screw the Democrats in a decades-old personal spitefest!
NADER: [throwing PUPPET to the ground] God damn you! I thought I could trust you! And now you, you of all people, have betrayed me!
FB: Um.
NADER: [stomping on PUPPET] God damn you! God damn you all to hell!
posted by fafnir at 2:45 PM

Katherine from Obsidian Wings is leavin Planet Blog in her rocket powered spaceship to Earth but she has left behind one last post on torture an American human rights abuses in the war on terror. It is a very good post an you all should read it.

"But Fafnir I do not want to read about torture" you say because you are a lazy whining person. "I want to read about gumdrops an rainbows and Presidents who are made of gumdrops an rainbows an use them to blow up the terrorists."
No you should really read it it is a very important issue now go or I will have Giblets hit you with the waffle again.
"Blah blah blah torture, blah blah blah human rights. I like watchin things blow up on television, it gives me a feelin of comfy security, readin about human rights violations makes me feel bad."
That does it, Im tellin Giblets to go get the waffle! He's gettin the waffle now!
"Okay Fafnir I will do whatever you say just so long as Giblets an the waffle are not involved!"

It's so easy to kind of sweep it all under your brain an think "Well theres nothin more to be said an nothin more to think about it" cause let's face it nobody wants to think about their government participating in horror. An right now the level of torture talk has gone from "Torture: Bad!" to "Torture: Bad, But Not As Bad As Saddam Hussein" to "Torture: Bad, But What About Ticking Bombs?" to "Torture: Bad, But Not Necessarily Proof That The People Who Ordered Torture Are Bad" to "Torture: We Still Talkin Bout Torture?" to "Torture: Bad?" An before we get to "Torture: Sorta Like Mowin Your Lawn" I think we should try as hard as we can to wake up.
posted by fafnir at 11:07 AM
Thursday, July 8, 2004

duck bill gates duck! oh noooo!These are the dangerous pies. These are the sudden pies. These are the pies of sudden hilarity an sudden death. They are the assassin pies.

You will never expect these pies because that is their way. It is their dark and secret code. They appear an disappear like the night an when they strike they strike without mercy and they only leave cream and tragicomedy in their wake.

how can you spoil a system that has already been spoiled - by pie?One minute you'll be sittin there in your sofa or your board room or your captain's lounge or your livin room or your House of Lords and you will be sayin somethin like "Oh well now Chuck" because of course you are talkin to Chuck "as you can see expenditures are vastly overtaken by profits in this quarter an we can all breathe a sigh of relief I'd say because there are of course no pies around" an then Chuck an the Director an Lucy an the Pope an Doctor Groggins all start to laugh an laugh with relief at your good good news an THERE IT IS a pie right out of the blue and it hits someone SMACK RIGHT IN THE FACE an they arent just Chuck or the Director or Lucy or the Pope or Doctor Groggins anymore they are Chuck or the Director or Lucy or the Pope or Doctor Groggins or you with pie all over their face and there's nothin you can do, an the first thing you want to do is laugh because hey it's a pie an pies are fun until you realize The Terrible Horror Of It All and the Vast And Terrible Tragedy sinks in.

another tortured victimWhy was I hit with such a pie? you will think with pie runnin down your face. Because you were there that is why. Whether you are an astronaut or bicyclist or a monkey made of smaller monkeys you are a target for the predator pie.

Is there anything you can do to stop them? No, these pies are like the pies of Nature, swift and unstoppable. Can you predict where they will strike? No, for they are as unpredictable as the wind. The only thing you can do is be prepared. Be prepared and be ready to fight for cruel survival at the hands of the assassin pies.

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posted by fafnir at 9:23 PM

Sebastian Holsclaw is Giblets's new favorite blogger. He has an interesting idea, by way of Jonah Goldberg. The interesting idea, see, is that if Michael Moore uses half-truths and innuendo to make his points but is pretty much right about the Iraq War being a fraud and George Bush being a liar and so on, then what's the problem with Joe McCarthy, who also used half-truths and innuendo to make his points and was pretty much right about communism being bad? Isn't Michael Moore the same as Joe McCarthy?

It's an interesting idea. Yep. An interesting idea. Which got Giblets thinking about Big Bird and Hitler.

See, when Giblets was just a little Giblets, he used to watch Seseme Street. And on Seseme Street, Big Bird used to sing this song while he sorted out objects of different colors and shapes. And he would sing "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong."

And Hitler also pointed out the differences between groups of things, when he pointed out the difference between the pureblood Aryan race and the corruption of international Jewry that pervaded it. So both Big Bird and Hitler talked a lot about differences, and tried to train people who watched them to sort out what was different from what was the same. So isn't Big Bird the same as Hitler?

It's an interesting idea. Yep. A really interesting idea.
posted by Giblets at 6:18 PM

Oh no! Fafblog brings you this very urgent Terror Update Announcement Update from Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge who has announced that al Qaeda is planning to strike somewhere around the November elections to disrupt our democratic process! Tom Ridge does not know when it will happen or how it will happen or where it will happen but we can only assume the terrorists will take the most direct approach by running a third party candidate!

"Oh no Fafnir!" you are screamin in eternal panic. "How will I ever stop myself from votin for terrorists now!"

It is okay to panic, after all it is Tom Ridge here! He does not just come out an issue non-alert-level terror warnings every two months or so yknow! But there is plenty you can do to avoid votin for terror. First look carefully at the ballot:

GEORGE BUSH, Republican Party [safe]
JOHN KERRY, Democratic Party [safe]
ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI, Terrorist Party [unsafe!]
"But Fafnir!" you say still screamin in understandable horror. "I will vote for terrorists on election day because their clever platform of universal healthcare and sharia law is so seductively appealing!"

This is true but you must use all your willpower to fight it! Remember that if the Terrorist Party wins on election day then the Terrorists will have already won!

"Oh this is all so confusin Fafnir!" you scream with your throat gettin kinda hoarse. "I do not know whether I can keep the terrorists straight from the Democrats an the Greens an Dick Cheney! Maybe I should just vote for the Natural Law Party!"

If in doubt stay home an let the nice gentlemen from the computer votin companies will vote for you. Stay safe, panic in moderation, an this will be a safe and terror-free, terrorized election for all concerned.
posted by fafnir at 10:56 AM
Wednesday, July 7, 2004

So today Chris comes home an says "Soemthin smells funny."
An I says "Well it must be your imagination Chris that is you must be smellin your funny-smellin imagination because I sure do not smell anythin funny here no sir."
An Chris says "That sure is a lot of Faftalk for not smellin anythin funny" an I says "maybe" an he says "Could it be all those sausages you have left out there in the living room for several days now?"
An I says "Now Chris I do not know what you are talkin about, sausages! I dont see any sausages here I see several well-dressed ladies and gentlemen in well-attired if very loose-fittin period garb."
Chris says "Fafnir what you have there is sausages in Regency dress."
So I says "Chris if you are accusin me of throwin costumes over a bunch of sausages in a botched attempt to conceal them from you and the local authorities by passin them off as visitin 18th century nobles well then I am just taken aback. I will say good day to you sir."
An that's pretty much where things would've stuck if it wasnt for Giblets that little squealer, who says "Get rid of em Chris they are stinkin up the joint" an then the jig is up an I have to defend my friends the sausages and their independence which I have been tryin to maintain all week since liberatin them on Independence Day, an Chris is not too happy anyway since me an Giblets helped liberate Chris from his job by throwin spare sausages at his boss back on Independence Do (which is the day after Independence Day, when you "Do" somethin for Independence).
In the end I have been very sadly disappointed in Chris's commitment to Jeffersonianism.
posted by fafnir at 5:46 PM
Tuesday, July 6, 2004

So I guess it's gonna be John Edwards. I like John Edwards, I mean hes got real pretty eyes an all but personally I am a little disappointed because I was holdin out hope for a unity ticket. I know I know you are all sayin "oh fafnir that was such a long shot" but still I think that if you combine Kerry with a guy like that who has that kinda defense an bipartisan credibility I think you would make for a really great team. It is just a shame that Batman didnt go for it.

A Kerry-Batman ticket would be sure to win everybody but hardcore social conservatives and superstitious and cowardly lots. Batman brings his tough-on-crime stance a lot of bipartisan credentials and a surprisingly strong Latino support, plus he has some innovative ideas on tort reform. With his years of opposition to the evil Ra's al Ghul Batman has a lot of counterterrorism experience, plus his tenure with the Justice League makes him an ideal internationalist. Now I know the big drawbacks to Batman are always (1) he is a big Republican (2) he is kind of a crazy hawk an (3) he doesnt exist but I really think Kerry coulda made it work if he threw him somethin in the platform like extra funding for security in Arkham Asylum which we totally need anyway, what is up with that place the Joker escapes like once a month.
posted by fafnir at 11:38 PM

Well, John Kerry has selected his running mate, and the Medium Lobster is unsurprised. John Kerry has flip-flopped once again, as he has throughout his sadly unprincipled career, in choosing John Edwards. How, you naively ask, can the selection of a vice presedential nominee be a flip-flop? Those with higher wisdom already understand, but for the unenlightened, the Medium Lobster will attempt to guide the way.

We know that it took some time for Kerry to come to a decision on his vice presidential pick. In that time, it's safe to say Kerry was preferring different candidates. Ergo, it is equally safe to say there existed some period of time X during which Kerry preferred some candidate who was not Edwards. However, since time X and the present, Kerry has switched from not-Edwards to Edwards, in another shameless Kerry flip-flop. QED.

Why would Kerry so suddenly discard such a cherished ethical position as a vice presidential preference? The Medium Lobster can only proffer that it was for the most unscrupulous and amoral of opportunistic motives and that it reflects a vast moral vaccuum of deadly proportions lurking in the senator from Massachusetts.

Some less knowledgable than the Medium Lobster might suggest that the same formula may be applied to George W. Bush's vice presidential selection process. Those sadly confused souls will have undoubtedly forgotten that Bush possesses the quality of Strong Leadership, which means that his decisions are actually the temporal instantiations of immutable, unchangable, transtemporal truths. Indeed, when George Bush selected Dick Cheney to be his running mate, he did so by discerning a priori that he had already done so, since the beginning of time, from First Principles. There are rumors to the contrary but these, of course, are from secondary and apocryphal sources and should be ignored.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:20 PM

John Edwards! Fah! Giblets scoffs at the sorry and miserable excuse for a veep pick that is John Edwards! If John Kerry was a real man he would have picked Giblets for his vice president - and been swiftly and viciously rejected, for Giblets will be no one's vice ANYTHING! Bow before Giblets's air of executive authority! Bow before Giblets's air of executive authority NOOOOOOOW!

Now let Giblets enumerate the many failings and corruptions of John Edwards, a miserable excuse for a vice president whom we all will be better off without!

  • He is a trial lawyer! You cannot trust trial lawyers, they stink of corruption and the corrupting influence of the trial lawyer industry! We need a vice president who is unsullied by ties to wealthy and corrupt industries!
  • He is too inexperienced! With only six years of experience in politics John Edwards is not qualified for the vice presidency. Now, if those six years were as Texas governor and if he were running for president, things would be totally different. But as it stands, he is too inexperienced!
  • He is a trial lawyer! As a trial lawyer Edwards repeatedly stole money from poor corporations to give to greedy children crippled by their products! Do we really need a vice president who is a lackey of Big Children? Giblets thinks not!
  • He is an unaccomplished liberal! What war's he started, huh? How many pointless quagmires has he stranded the American military in? Can he take a look at the monstrously-swelling national debt and say "I did that"? How many no-bid war contracts has he handed out to incompetant corporate cronies? Giblets will take John Edwards seriously when John Edwards starts doing something serious.
  • He is a trial lawyer! Giblets may have mentioned this before, he is not sure. But Giblets knows some great lawyer jokes. So a rabbi, a lawyer, and an elephant are on a bus.
  • posted by Giblets at 4:03 PM

    The Fafblog World News Desk has just gotten a hold of the new ad for George Bush featurin John McCain! Wow how do we do this, it is pretty amazin I'll tell you!

    "We're in a war."
    [John McCain addressing camera]

    "A war between right and wrong. Good and evil."
    [John McCain, George Bush, and Jesus standing in front of an American tank. Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and Satan stand in front of the inflamed pits of hell across from it]

    "Evil wants to get nuclear bombs, and plant them inside the brains of your small children."
    [sinister close-up of Saddam Hussein hovering over a child picking daisies]

    "Evil would have gotten them from Iraq, an evil place made entirely of nuclear bombs. But George Bush blew up those bombs with other bombs - good bombs - and made them go away, with his steely resolve."
    [George Bush descending from the heavens with the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove]

    "But Evil may still get those nuclear bombs - presumably from leprechauns, or the treacherous Mogwai - and we can never let down our guard."
    [sinister zoom-out of dark-skinned man at a playground with a warhead under his trenchcoat]

    "I'm Senator John McCain, rugged individualist. I march to the beat of my own drummer and I don't give a damn about 'parties' or 'politics.' I'm a man's man."
    [John McCain tearing a bear in half with his teeth]

    "I'm also made of guns."
    [still photo of a cannon popping out of John McCain's chest, killing alien]

    "And I want you to know that if we don't re-elect George W. Bush, someone will detonate a nuclear bomb in America."
    [sinister close-up of Saddam Hussein with arm around a beret-wearing John Kerry]

    "Inside the brains of your small children."
    [sinister close-up of Saddam Hussein and a beret-wearing John Kerry eating a small child]

    "May I introduce to you the man who will bear my child: George W. Bush."
    posted by fafnir at 7:57 AM
    Monday, July 5, 2004

    So it turns out that yesterday while everyone was out grilling bugers and watchin' fireworks and listening to their elderly relatives complain about "Oh Giblets my catheter bag is soooo heavy and painful" George W Bush went and gutted the Endangered Species Act by changing a ton of rules through which it's enforced. Which is funny, 'cause Giblets woulda thought he'd have done it on a day when people would pay attention, like Earth Day, when the president visited wetlands to talk about his environmental record. Giblets thinks a nice little announcement for this latest initiative might have involved the president shooting a condor in the head in the Rose Garden. This is why Giblets needs to be on Bush's media team.

    The new rules take a more "optional" approach to the Endangered Species Act, replacing "enforcement" of existing laws with "incentives" that make it easier for you to "get away with killing protected species." Bush's Secretary of the Interior calls this "New Environmentalism," which is probably more accurately descibed as "Not Environmentalism."

    And Giblets for one thinks it is about damn time. Signed into law by notorious left-wing extremist Richard Nixon, the Endangered Species Act has long stood in the way of mankind's Manifest Destiny of throwin' every limited resource in the world into a big pile and settin' it on fire. Before if Giblets wanted to torch a hideous old-growth forest and replace it with a beautiful shopping mall, he'd have to make sure there wasn't some spotted owl or bald eagle or baby in there. But now it's burn, baby, burn!

    Giblets is pretty sure that anyone who cares about "endangered plants and animals" must be some crazy PETA person he can safely ignore, and to convince himself otherwise he would have to read big thick books about things like "biodiversity" and "ecological interdependence." Books are insolent! What Giblets is trying to say, in his studiously uninformed opinion, is species die, shit happens, get over it. It's not like it affects Giblets. Like everyone else I walk around in a self-contained hermetically-sealed suit of cyborg armor drawing as its power source an infinite source of energy, and am therefore unaffected by what happens to the outside world.

    Labels:

    posted by Giblets at 4:11 PM

    Well there are tons a rumors flyin an it seems like John Kerry's gonna announce his Vice President pick tomorrow. Wow! Who can Kerry find to spice up his already excitin ticket? Will it be political rockstar Dick Gephardt? Beloved bathroom chronicler Bob Graham? Some guy named Vilsack?

    "Who do you think it is gonna be, sausage?" says me. The sausage is oddly taciturn.

    I have a lot of sausages in the living room. I liberated them yesterday in an act of celebratory sausage independence. I believe sausage has the right to live a full and healthy life as much as anyone else but I gotta say these guys are some pretty borin sausages.

    There are some who say it is either gonna be Dick Gephardt or John Edwards. Yknow I can see this would be a pretty tricky decision. John Edwards gives you that youthful dynamic energy while Dick Gephardt gives you that youthful dynamic energy in the form of an old beaten rundown party machine crushed under the weight of its own obsolescence. So you gotta weigh the pros and cons for a while.
    posted by fafnir at 2:56 PM
    Thursday, July 1, 2004

    Pickin a jury is tricky. You have to make sure that you got smart intelligent people who will listen to the case but who are not prejudiced by stuff like media hype an the saturation coverage that comes with our modern twenty four hour news cycle, and are willin to just hear the facts. Sometimes findin that perfect jury can take a long time which is part of whats kept me an Giblets so busy lately.

    FAFNIR: Now Mr Prospective Juror are you familiar with the defendant in this case?
    IRAQI: Hmmm, what did you say his name was?
    GIBLETS: Saddam Hussein.
    IRAQI: I have heard of him now and then, in the Baghdad papers, over the last thirty years or so... but really, I don't pay that much attention.
    FAF.: And how much do you know about the case?
    IRAQI: I've heard some things about "war crimes" and "mass graves" and "the mass slaughter of thousands of innocents" but really, I'd rather wait until I see the official facts at trial and let them speak for themselves.
    FAF.: Wow! You sound perfect!
    GIBS.: I like that you don't hold war crimes against people.
    IRAQI: It's part of my giving nature.
    FAF.: Waaaaait a second. Are you wearin a fake mustache on top of a real mustache?
    IRAQI: Um... no...
    GIBS.: Dammit, it's Saddam Hussein again!
    FAF.: Saddam if we have been through this once we have been through this a hundred times! No tamperin with the jury pool!
    IRAQI: I'm... I'm not Saddam! I'm... uh... the Iraqi Santa Claus! If you're good little boys, you'll let Santa on his jury!
    GIBS.: Ooh! Giblets wants Iraqi egg nog!
    FAF.: Giblets it is just another evil trick! Like this mornin when he showed up dressed like a dictator an we asked if he was a dictator an he said he wasn't a dictator he was just wearin his old dictator costume from back in his days as the dictator from the Village People an we said "oh that's fine" an it turns out there WAS no dictator from the Village People!
    GIBS.: Ohhhh yeaaah. Course I always thought the indian was a crypto-fascist.
    IRAQI: (bein dragged away) Damn you! I am the president! President of Iraq! Bow before Saddam! Bow before Saddam NOOOOW!
    GIBS.: I like the cut of his gib... lets.
    FAF.: He was very fair an balanced. He woulda made a great juror if he wasnt Saddam Hussein.
    GIBS.: It says here the next guy is an Iraqi who has spent the last thirty years on the Moon and thinks the Ba'ath party is an exclusive post-Oscar event.
    FAF.: Ooo! He sounds promising.
    SADDAM HUSSEIN IN AN ASTRONAUT SUIT: Klaatu barada nikto!
    posted by fafnir at 7:43 PM

    In Giblets's opinion, there's nothin' like that old time religion. Witch-hunts, cross-burnings, fatwas, an inquisition or two - that's some sexy theology there. So Giblets was pretty excited to see that aspiring Christian Ayatollah James Dobson sent out a mass email to his supporters publishing Michael Moore's home address and urging them to "let
    Moore know exactly what they think" at Moore's home.

    Giblets can see why Christians like Dobson would be pretty hot to stick it to Moore. After all, he is, as Dobson says, "so quick to criticize capitalism," and if Giblets remembers his New Testament correctly, capitalism is one of the chief virtues mentioned in the Sermon on the Mount:

    Blessed are the rich, for they will receive enormous tax cuts, the benefits of which may eventually trickle-down to the middle- and lower-class. (Shmark 3:16)
    And of course there was Jesus's words of wisdom regarding the rich in Heaven:

    It is as easy for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God as it is for a poor man to be trampled by his camel. (Bluke 12:21)
    'Course, Dobson might also be hitting back at Moore for his last movie's bashing of the NRA. Giblets also understands that Jesus was a huge gun nut.

    Now some people seem to think that targeting Moore at his house where his wife and kids sleep is "un-Christian," that Jesus would tell Dobson to "love thy enemies" and "turn the other cheek" and "not be a hateful prick." Well, Giblets thinks Jesus can shove it. Modern Christians need modern leadership for modern times, and if Jesus don't got the cajones to turn a rabid culture-war-inflamed mob on a political opponent's home, he should get out of the soul-saving business and leave it to the professionals. That Prince of Peace shtick was getting old anyway.
    posted by Giblets at 2:53 PM
    Tuesday, June 29, 2004

    Well that tears it. Giblets was thinkin' about voting for John Kerry* until he found out about his dire new partnership. His partnership of pessimism... with HITLER!

    Giblets might have remained completely ignorant of the Hitler-Kerry Pro-Aggression Pact if it weren't for the selfless work of George Bush's web ad, which subtlely splices clips of angry Democrats with clips of Hitler.** What did they all have in common, Giblets wondered? And then it hit him: the anger. The bitterness. And the pessimism. The dark pessimism... of HITLER!

    Look at Al Gore, and how ANGRY he is over the torturing of Iraqis in American-run prisons. Such rage and pessimism! Look at Michael Moore, and how FULL OF RAGE AND PESSIMISM over his country being sucked into a bloody war of choice! And look at dark, dour John Kerry, crackin' a joke about his ass! About his rage-filled, pessimist ass. The ass... of HITLER.

    In fact now that Giblets thinks about it, Hitler isn't that much of a pessimist compared to John Kerry. In fact Hitler's got a lotta can-do, optimistic gumption. "Sure, I can fight fend off the allies in the west and conquer Russia at the same time!" he says. "Sure, all my problems will be solved if I can just kill every last Jew, gypsy and homosexual in Europe!" he says. He set goals for himself - difficult goals - and then tried to reach for those goals. That's some pie-in-the-sky thinkin' there.

    Now imagine John Kerry there with Hitler. John Kerry with his dour, pessimist face and his dour, pessimist opinions. "Oh, Hitler's leading us into a quagmire," he'd say. "Oh, Hitler's killing innocent men, women and children by the millions," he'd go on. What a cosmic buzzkill! The Third Reich would never get anywhere if it was made of John Kerrys! Which only leads Giblets to conclude that on pessimism grounds, John Kerry is WORSE THAN HITLER!

    "This is not a time for pessimism and rage. This is a time for optimism, steady leadership, and progress," says George Bush, or his ad***, and Giblets agrees. Giblets is an optimistic kinda guy. And so is George Bush. Between invading Iraq without a plan, leaving al Qaeda to metastasize while pulling troops out of Afghanistan and Pakistan, and putting out the same tax cut three years in a row to solve different economic problems, Bush has gotta be the sunniest optimist out there. I mean man, if you bottled that sunshine you'd be glowin' for a month.

    And that is what America needs right now. Sunny leadership. Steady leadership. Untroubled-by-error leadership. So Giblets just has one question for any Democrats left: do you have the optimism NOT to vote for Kerry... and HITLER... in November?

    Think about it. But not too hard.

    *Maybe. Alright, Giblets was thinking of voting, period. Or getting registered. Or reading a newspaper. But he decided against it - because of John Kerry... and HITLER!

    **The clips were supposed to be from an ad submitted from some random guy to Moveon.org. But Giblets chooses not to distinguish between ads, the images in ads, and any groups remotely affiliated with ads.

    ***See the second asterisk. Giblets doesn't distinguish between George Bush and his ads.
    posted by Giblets at 10:24 PM

    We are out on the boat hidin from our dangerous evil alternate twins from the evil alternate negaverse. We are hidin out on the boat cause man those guys'll never think to look for us on a boat. I mean, it's a boat.

    "Another half hour an we will have safely sailed to Arkansas," says me.
    "I do not trust this boat," says Giblets. "How many cannon does she have."
    "One," says me. "If you count the ham sandwich."
    "Lame!" says Giblets.
    "Two then," says me. "If you count the can of beans an the ham sandwich."
    "Less lame," says Giblets.
    "You should respect our boat," says me. "She is the HMS Munky Bizness an I was told she is among the finest vessels in Her Majesty's sea forces."
    "Harrumph," says Giblets. "Giblets finds Her Majesty's sea forces to be in serious decline."
    "You should man the sandwich," says me.
    "Giblets commandeers this ham sandwich in the name of our defense," says Giblets. "In case our evil alternate twins show up in an evil alternate boat."
    "It could be ham or spam," says me. "I have to run a Bayesian filter to see."
    "Giblets rejects your hegemonic ham/spam binary!" says Giblets. "Spam is just a superior form of ham. It is man's improvement on nature's ham."
    "That's true," says me. "Spam comes in a handy can while ham comes packaged in inconvenient pig form."
    "In the future we will get spam from special improved spam pigs," says Giblets, "which I call 'spigs'."
    "In the future insects will be replaced by robot insects," says me, "which are cheaper and easier to manufacture."
    "In the future we will discard spaceships and travel to the moon and back on comfortable moon trains," says Giblets, "built by a joint human-moon man effort. But vast immigration difficulties will develop."
    "In the future humans will conduct all contact through the internet," says me. "All jobs will be e-jobs, all friends will be e-friends, all sex will be e-sex. Sperm and ova will be joined electronically to form e-babies."
    "Porn stars will have e-sex with millions of strangers a day," says Giblets. "They will be constantly pregnant, even the men, but will be genetically engineered to reproduce only through budding."
    "The president will be a giant satellite dish shaped like the president," says me. "He will have all of America's hopes an fears transmitted into him several times a day, an use use amazin new technologies to transform them into delicious hope-and-fear-flavored combo meals."
    "On Fridays you will be able to get an American Dreamburger with fries and a large Coke for just $3.99," says Giblets.
    "The future is a strange an beautiful place," says me.
    "Like Arkansas," says Giblets.
    "Here it comes! Look at that golden Arkansan shore," says me.
    "Claimed in the name of Giblets!" says Giblets.
    "Oh no!" says me. "Our evil alternate twins on an evil alternate boat!"
    "A mighty battle!" says Giblets raisin the sandwich.

    An there followed a mighty battle.

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 6:46 PM

    It appears that the Medium Lobster spoke too soon when he congratulated the work of the Supreme Court last week, for yesterday the nation's highest court struck a terrible blow against freedom. In reaffirming the fundamental right to be free from involuntary confinement without due process of law, the Supreme Court has gravely endangered Freedom by allowing some of it in the hands of those who would destroy it.

    As the President argued when he began the War For Civilization, America cannot allow basic constitutional protections to its enemies - or its suspected enemies, or potential allies and relatives of its suspected enemies - lest they "use the forums of liberty to destroy liberty itself." Indeed, in the hands of the Jihadists, a writ of habeas corpus would prove more deadly than a hijacked plane or weaponized smallpox, for with it, they could unleash Freedom against itself in an Ouroborobian orgy of Islamofascist terror. America's one hope is to make certain that Freedom never falls into the wrong hands by curbing Freedom proliferation throughout the globe.

    America may have lost this battle, but the Medium Lobster remains an optimist. There is always hope for curtailing the uncontrolled spread of Freedom, and the best place to start is here on the Homelandfront, where porous borders, open ports, an educated populace, and the First Amendment leave American citizens dangerously vulnerable to the misuse of Freedom by enemy forces. Fortunately, America and its President have antiterror weapons at its disposal. The President only a year ago discovered he posseses the power to suspend international treaties and domestic torture statutes; there's still time for him to discover he posseses the power to suspend court decisions that affect his ability to apply his suspension of those torture statutes.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:22 PM
    Monday, June 28, 2004

    Kieran Healy is a very helpful person. Yesterday he alerted us to astrosociology, which is like regular sociology but better because it is in outer space! Imagine the implications.

    "Does astrosociology explain why the beautiful alien with the green hair and silver go-go boots will not let me teach her what love means?" says Giblets.
    "Yes, as long as she is from outer space!" says me.
    "If I am going to be building a school in outer space, could astrosociology help me with that outer space school?" says Giblets.
    "Absolutely!" says me. "Outer space curriculum development is an important field in astrosociology."
    "If I kill someone, is it justified because in killing someone I provide employment for the police who arrest me?" says Giblets.
    "Astrosociology can't answer that question," says me. "But if you are throw an asteroid at the earth you might be justified because you provide employment for the asteroid-exploding nuclear missile launchers below."
    "I am lookin' to give some outer space tax relief," says Giblets. "Will astrosociology be able to tell me whether I should try to stimulate outer space supply or outer space demand?"
    "That is more astroeconomics than astrosocioeconomics," says me. "But sure, why not!"

    There is a bold new world of study out there. A bold new world in space!
    posted by fafnir at 8:08 AM

    Yknow how sometimes to make a friend's birthday more special you want to surprise them, so instead of doin it on their birthday you take em out to a restaurant the day before when they wont expect and then all the other friends come jumpin out with cakes an candles goin "SURPRISE!"?

    Well change "friend" to "Iraq" an "transfer of sovereignty" to "birthday" and "cakes an candles" to "car bombs" an you got yourself today cause the Coalition Provisional Authority just handed over power to a sorta-sovereign Iraqi government two days early! Surpriiiiiiiise, Iraq! Make a wish!

    It sounded fun. They had a great little ceremony, an L. Paul Bremer read a piece of paper that said

    "As recognized in U.N. Security Council resolution 1546, the Coalition Provisional Authority will cease to exist on June 28th, at which point the occupation will end and the Iraqi interim government will assume and exercise full sovereign authority on behalf of the Iraqi people. I welcome Iraq's steps to take its rightful place of equality and honor among the free nations of the world. Sincerely, L. Paul Bremer, ex-administrator of the Coalition Provisional Authority."
    And then he floated off in a big balloon, and Iraq clicked the heels on the slippers it had gotted from the Wicked Dictator of the East together three times an said "theres no place like sovereignty, theres no place like sovereignty" and disappeared in a puff of pixie dust! I read that it is true it was in Reuters.

    Good luck Iraq, and many more.
    posted by fafnir at 7:44 AM
    Sunday, June 27, 2004

    Giblets is still angry! Angry at Fahrenheit 9/11, the movie so evil and depraved it has caused Giblets to foam in insensate rage without having seen it. But now Giblets has a means of giving voice to his wordless rage, a vehicle for his footless fury! Giblets brings you: the anti-documentary documentary!

    It would have been easy for Giblets to engage Moore on a "debate on the issues" he raises in his movies. It would have been so easy for Giblets to say "why, America's culture of irrational fear and hate actually lowers the level of gun violence in the country" or "layoffs make people happy," refuting two of his film's key theses. But that would be playing into Moore's hands! His fat, traitorous hands.

    So instead of making a clever, funny documentary promoting conservative views Giblets has decided to make a documentary that is specifically limited to attacking one guy with no power over his life whose opinions piss him off. Giblets calls it "Michael Moore the Fat Hateful Traitor Versus Giblets the Beautiful Loving Patriot." In it I expose the following reasons to hate Michael Moore:

  • He is fat!
  • He lies!*
  • Again, he is fat!
  • He is rich - but being a liberal you'd think he was poor!
  • He has a very big ego!
  • He is so fat! I mean, whew! We are talkin' like orca fat.
  • He is not Rush Limbaugh!

    Giblets is pretty happy with the product. But it has gotten him thinking, what if Moore follows up with an anti-anti-documentary documentary documentary, such as "Giblets is a Short Bitter Little Weasel Who Lies About Me" (which would all be lies, Giblets is quite tall, handsome, and benevolent to all living things)? Giblets would have to counter with a good solid anti-anti-anti-documentary documentary documentary documentary, probably something like "Michael Moore is a Horrible Pig Who Has Lied About Giblets's Documentary About His Documentary."

    The other tactic was to make a pro-anti-Moore-person documentary, something like "Ann Coulter is a Beautiful Human Being." But after fact-checking we had to change the name to "Ann Coulter is Not Actually a Poisonous Child-Eating Reptile," which didn't test as well.

    *"lies" may or may not refer to actual lies, unsubstantiated rumors, or lies about lies
  • posted by Giblets at 9:23 PM

    I'm at Ralph Nader's today, foldin towels an lickin stamps. Ralph is writin letters.

    "Oh they'll get it for this one," says Ralph, typin.
    "Is it to the President?" says me. I been writin to the President.
    "Hell you know!" says Ralph Nader. "I'm writing to my corrupt and vacuous town council! Bunch of corporatist thugs!"
    "That's right Ralph!" says me. "You stick it to The Man!"

    The new "STOP" sign proposal for the corner of Stewart and Lethbridge is a disgrace to the community! Standing at 260 centimeters - a FULL 15 CENTIMETERS above AGREED-UPON INTERNATIONAL STANDARDS - this "STOP" sign would be virtually UNDETECTABLE to persons of midgetesque stature driving in mid-sized automobiles when crouching! The DEATH TRAP the council is planning to plant in our very midst is being fueled by corrupt business interests!
    "Wow you are makin a real difference in our world Ralph Nader!" says me.
    "I demolish windmills with the same idealistic vision that put seatbelts put on cars, made food labels more accurate, got Congress to try to create a Consumer Protection Agency, and later killed that Consumer Protection Agency!" says Ralph. "Now put on my stories!"

    I pop in a tape of Young and the Restless from last Friday an Ralph does some ironing an mails vital culture-altering communiques to Michael Moore on weight gain, John Kerry on electoral strategy, the Congressional Black Caucus on bein a discriminated an harassed minority, an his supermarket on the placement of soup cans.

    It is an OUTRAGE that Campbell's Creamy Tomato should stand on the top shelf on the soup aisle - requiring me to stretch and grasp to reach my soup - when the far inferior Campbell's Chicken and Corn would stand readily at eye level. The ONLY motivation I can see for such a placement would be to try to use the more convenient placement of the eye level shelves to FORCE me to purchase an inferior product.

    I do NOT have to remind Stop & Shop that this is not my first communication to you regarding this issue. In fact it is not even my second, third, or fourth. I have sent NO LESS THAN SIXTEEN LETTERS alterting you to this situation and the inconvenience it has posed to me and it has YET TO BE RECTIFIED. As neither Stop & Shop nor its board of directors appear to care about the common consumer, I have no choice but to turn to your parent company, Ahold USA, and its CEO, Bill Grize, and, should they prove as stubborn and elitist, take my campaign directly to the stockholders.
    "You are a real man of the people Ralph Nader," says me lickin another stamp.
    "I am!" he says. "Now keep quiet! Daisy's baby's been kidnapped by Marguerite and I won't have it! Get me more paper!"

    Santa:

    Again, you've proved a disappointment. My position on Christmas could not have been clearer: I wanted a BLUE model train set with the RED trolley attachment. INSTEAD, YOU brought me a RED model AIRPLANE with BLUE retractable landing gear. The amount of incompetence and corruption you've increasingly displayed over the last sixty years would be nothing short of astonishing if it weren't so staggeringly old and predictable. With the millions you've received from the toy manufacturing and candy industries, you've become entirely subsidized by the military-corporatist complex.

    Incidentally, have you SEEN yourself lately? You're getting truly HUGE. You need to lose, some weight, and FAST.
    "You have a true gift Ralph Nader," says me. "A true gift from God."
    "God and Satan are Tweedledum and Tweedledumber!" says Ralph.
    "Ha ha!" says me. "It's funny because it snappily references both a well-beloved children's tome and a Jim Carrey vehicle."
    "Shut your piehole!" says Ralph. "Back in my day we had the last dregs of a fading Vaudeville and we liked it!"
    "Oh, Ralph Nader!" says me. "Take your pills."

    We spend the rest a the day watchin reruns a the Price is Right an feedin Ralph's cats. He's got like a dozen cats.
    posted by fafnir at 6:48 PM

    Everybody is talking about the "Veepstakes," which is Washingtonspeak for the process of picking a guy who voters think would be cool to replace you if you die. Everybody that is EXCEPT GIBLETS, which means nobody who matters at all! But Giblets has come to your rescue with the Giblets Veepstakes Roundup. Bow to Giblets, Veepstakes! Bow to Giblets, NOOOOOW!

  • Dick Gephardt. Gephardt would have an amazing pull with loser voters, voters who like losing the House to opposing parties, voters who have a long history of being supported by decrepit and dying labor institutions in failing political campaigns, just people who generally like to lose. He could swing loser states, such as Wyoming or Rhode Island, or put states with a large loser population, such as Nevada or Alabama, into play. The upside to having a Kerry-Gephardt ticket is it would take all those people who go into shock in the voting booth thinkin' "Oh dear god we nominated Kerry?!" and push them just far enough over the edge with "Oh dear god we nominated Kerry and Gephardt?!" that it would sort of jar them into a feeling of complacent somnambulism that would render them susceptible to voting for Kerry-Gephardt anyway. The downside to this is that such a hypthetical waking sleepstate could also get them to vote for Nader.

  • John Edwards. Edwards's "Two Americas" speech was deeply stirring, it was by far his most effective speech. It was also his only speech. Giblets was deeply stirred the first three or four times he heard it. Now it just pisses him off. If Giblets hears any more about the Two Americas, Edwards, both Gibletses from both Americas will find you and slap you senseless.

  • Wesley Clark. Experienced. Battle-hardened. A foreign policy heavyweight. A complete non-starter. What happens to your lieutenant swift boat commander nominee when you stick a war hero Supreme Allied Commander, Europe on the market? Depreciation, that's what. Well, sorry, Clark, but with every other day from now 'til election day being Band of Brothers Monday, Napalm Wednesday, or Swiftboat Heroism Remembrance Friday, we need to ride this war hero monopoly pony as far and as fast as it'll go.

  • John McCain. Yes, Giblets is aware that McCain has completely rejected the notion of running with John Kerry over and over again and that he is currently campaigning for Bush. But it the idea is just too kooky and sexy to not mention over and over again! Kerry-McCain, Kerry-McCain, Kerry-McCain! Plus Giblets supports McCain's "give Japan the Bomb" solution to North Korea. We need more "outside the box," or "crazy," thinking in our VP. Giblets has found Cheney's "crazy-lite" approach to governance wanting of late.

  • Tom Vilsack.
  • Who the hell is Tom Vilsack? Giblets hasn't seen him on TV. He hasn't been makin' the rounds or been at Giblets's parties. Why should Giblets give a damn about Tom Vilsack?
    posted by Giblets at 3:18 PM

    In a week that has seen its share of sobering setbacks in the war on terror, the Medium Lobster was heartened to see America win a battle on the homefront. In the critical war to secure the homeland, the Supreme Court struck a victory for the national interest, insuring that America's Vice President will retain the power to keep the United States safe, one energy lobbyist at a time.

    With Cheney v US District Court for the District of Columbia, the Supreme Court has protected not only Dick Cheney's right to construct America's energy policy in secret, but national security as well. For if the identities of the lobbyists who influence American government at its highest levels were to be exposed, all their administrative and congressional contacts would likewise be exposed, and stripped of their deep "non-official cover," these operatives and the vital cover corporations they work for would undoubtedly be the target of vicious political strikes and backlashes - all of which would result in crippling damage to America's corporate-intelligence community.

    Secrecy is the lifeblood of national security, and if America does not take care to guard it, it will lose the war on terror to its most pernicious enemies. This week, those enemies were defeated. Even so, the Medium Lobster cautions America not to celebrate too quickly - there are still those enemies who seek to expose the deeeply-held secrets of the Vice President's money monkeys, and all of us must remember the dire threat they pose to the United States. Indeed, those who would seek to expose the identities of the White House's corporate cronies are, to paraphrase George H. W. Bush, the most insidious of traitors.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:33 PM
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