Wednesday, June 16, 2004

War Liberal brought us a fantastic piece a news the other day about the Supreme Court in Israel lifting a ban on pork products. Yes Israeli streets can now flow freely with ham an bacon, sausage an salami, veisswurst an head cheese an pickled pig's feet. The great and glorious bounty of pork is now open to all of the Holy Land, let freedom ring!

This is a great moment not only for religious freedom, not only for porkular freedom, but for religio-culinary unity, for Israeli-pork convergence will bring us ever closer to the dream pork unitarians have longed for for six thousand years: kosher pork.

"But Fafnir" you say "how can such a beautiful thing ever be possible it is just too beautiful."
With science my friends. With science. Allow me to demonstrate:

"And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you." (Leviticus 11:7)

"And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you. Ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcass." (Deuteronomy 14:8)
The solution you see is to genetically engineer a pig with extra stomachs that can chew its cud. Then the swine will no longer be unclean and we will have Hassidim dancin for joy in showers of smoked ham in the streets of Jerusalem! "But is it just that easy Fafnir" you ask. Of course it is not that easy. Our special Moses-approved pigs will have to be properly killed and blessed by a Rabbi.

But it doesn't stop with delicious deli meats for our Orthodox brothers an sisters. With the pork barrier laid low another wall between the faiths is toppled an we become closer as a worldwide people. I can only pray that science will one day work with Islam to produce halal pork, that one day we will all be joined together in a Universal Church of Pork where it does not matter what name we give to God but how savory and succulent is our delicious bacon.
posted by fafnir at 11:35 AM




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