Sunday, June 27, 2004

Everybody is talking about the "Veepstakes," which is Washingtonspeak for the process of picking a guy who voters think would be cool to replace you if you die. Everybody that is EXCEPT GIBLETS, which means nobody who matters at all! But Giblets has come to your rescue with the Giblets Veepstakes Roundup. Bow to Giblets, Veepstakes! Bow to Giblets, NOOOOOW!

  • Dick Gephardt. Gephardt would have an amazing pull with loser voters, voters who like losing the House to opposing parties, voters who have a long history of being supported by decrepit and dying labor institutions in failing political campaigns, just people who generally like to lose. He could swing loser states, such as Wyoming or Rhode Island, or put states with a large loser population, such as Nevada or Alabama, into play. The upside to having a Kerry-Gephardt ticket is it would take all those people who go into shock in the voting booth thinkin' "Oh dear god we nominated Kerry?!" and push them just far enough over the edge with "Oh dear god we nominated Kerry and Gephardt?!" that it would sort of jar them into a feeling of complacent somnambulism that would render them susceptible to voting for Kerry-Gephardt anyway. The downside to this is that such a hypthetical waking sleepstate could also get them to vote for Nader.

  • John Edwards. Edwards's "Two Americas" speech was deeply stirring, it was by far his most effective speech. It was also his only speech. Giblets was deeply stirred the first three or four times he heard it. Now it just pisses him off. If Giblets hears any more about the Two Americas, Edwards, both Gibletses from both Americas will find you and slap you senseless.

  • Wesley Clark. Experienced. Battle-hardened. A foreign policy heavyweight. A complete non-starter. What happens to your lieutenant swift boat commander nominee when you stick a war hero Supreme Allied Commander, Europe on the market? Depreciation, that's what. Well, sorry, Clark, but with every other day from now 'til election day being Band of Brothers Monday, Napalm Wednesday, or Swiftboat Heroism Remembrance Friday, we need to ride this war hero monopoly pony as far and as fast as it'll go.

  • John McCain. Yes, Giblets is aware that McCain has completely rejected the notion of running with John Kerry over and over again and that he is currently campaigning for Bush. But it the idea is just too kooky and sexy to not mention over and over again! Kerry-McCain, Kerry-McCain, Kerry-McCain! Plus Giblets supports McCain's "give Japan the Bomb" solution to North Korea. We need more "outside the box," or "crazy," thinking in our VP. Giblets has found Cheney's "crazy-lite" approach to governance wanting of late.

  • Tom Vilsack.
  • Who the hell is Tom Vilsack? Giblets hasn't seen him on TV. He hasn't been makin' the rounds or been at Giblets's parties. Why should Giblets give a damn about Tom Vilsack?
    posted by Giblets at 3:18 PM



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