Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Well that tears it. Giblets was thinkin' about voting for John Kerry* until he found out about his dire new partnership. His partnership of pessimism... with HITLER!

Giblets might have remained completely ignorant of the Hitler-Kerry Pro-Aggression Pact if it weren't for the selfless work of George Bush's web ad, which subtlely splices clips of angry Democrats with clips of Hitler.** What did they all have in common, Giblets wondered? And then it hit him: the anger. The bitterness. And the pessimism. The dark pessimism... of HITLER!

Look at Al Gore, and how ANGRY he is over the torturing of Iraqis in American-run prisons. Such rage and pessimism! Look at Michael Moore, and how FULL OF RAGE AND PESSIMISM over his country being sucked into a bloody war of choice! And look at dark, dour John Kerry, crackin' a joke about his ass! About his rage-filled, pessimist ass. The ass... of HITLER.

In fact now that Giblets thinks about it, Hitler isn't that much of a pessimist compared to John Kerry. In fact Hitler's got a lotta can-do, optimistic gumption. "Sure, I can fight fend off the allies in the west and conquer Russia at the same time!" he says. "Sure, all my problems will be solved if I can just kill every last Jew, gypsy and homosexual in Europe!" he says. He set goals for himself - difficult goals - and then tried to reach for those goals. That's some pie-in-the-sky thinkin' there.

Now imagine John Kerry there with Hitler. John Kerry with his dour, pessimist face and his dour, pessimist opinions. "Oh, Hitler's leading us into a quagmire," he'd say. "Oh, Hitler's killing innocent men, women and children by the millions," he'd go on. What a cosmic buzzkill! The Third Reich would never get anywhere if it was made of John Kerrys! Which only leads Giblets to conclude that on pessimism grounds, John Kerry is WORSE THAN HITLER!

"This is not a time for pessimism and rage. This is a time for optimism, steady leadership, and progress," says George Bush, or his ad***, and Giblets agrees. Giblets is an optimistic kinda guy. And so is George Bush. Between invading Iraq without a plan, leaving al Qaeda to metastasize while pulling troops out of Afghanistan and Pakistan, and putting out the same tax cut three years in a row to solve different economic problems, Bush has gotta be the sunniest optimist out there. I mean man, if you bottled that sunshine you'd be glowin' for a month.

And that is what America needs right now. Sunny leadership. Steady leadership. Untroubled-by-error leadership. So Giblets just has one question for any Democrats left: do you have the optimism NOT to vote for Kerry... and HITLER... in November?

Think about it. But not too hard.

*Maybe. Alright, Giblets was thinking of voting, period. Or getting registered. Or reading a newspaper. But he decided against it - because of John Kerry... and HITLER!

**The clips were supposed to be from an ad submitted from some random guy to Moveon.org. But Giblets chooses not to distinguish between ads, the images in ads, and any groups remotely affiliated with ads.

***See the second asterisk. Giblets doesn't distinguish between George Bush and his ads.
posted by Giblets at 10:24 PM



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