Friday, June 4, 2004

Well I am back early from writin my novel. I had to come back early for many reasons not the least of which has been the sudden incapacitation of Giblets who is lyin bloated and pained in the livin room after drinking six gallons of V8. Oh Giblets! Cant I leave you alone for just one day? "Do not look at me," Giblets moans sadly. "I was once like you."

But Giblets is not the only one who is in pain. So is my novel, an so is Ahmed Chalabi, a fine gentleman of Iraqi con man descent whom I have known and trusted for some time now. I first met Mr Chalabi yesterday when I began work on my thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, "The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea." Ahmed offered to be my literary agent an said he could get me a great distribution deal in Iraq.

"Do you really think Iraqis will like my whaling epic Ahmed?" I asked Ahmed.
"Yes, it will be easy," said Ahmed, "And it will be greeted as a best-seller."

Ahmed's fee of $355,000 a month was a little steep but Ahmed knew all these great connections that would get my book to sell so it was really worth it! Chris kept sayin "No don't trust him he steals money from banks" but Chris is just a pro-Baathist lackey. Plus he is just jealous of my awesome whaling epic.

But when the books hit the shelves yesterday afternoon they were met with a lot of skepticism and resistance. I just don't understand it! Ahmed told me Iraqis love whaling books. And now I hear he is under suspicion for plagiarizing my book and giving it to the Iranians! I was crushed until Christopher Hitchens explained it all to me last night over a couple bottles of wine. Now I feel a lot better.

But what if with all our investigating Ahmed Chalabi for spying, and for stealing stuff, and lying to people, we hurt his feelings? What if we have driven him away in our foolish foolish pride?

Ahmed come back! We cant succeed in our critical whaling-epic project without you! Come back, Ahmed! Come back!
posted by fafnir at 2:50 PM



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