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Sunday, June 27, 2004

my afternoon with ralph

I'm at Ralph Nader's today, foldin towels an lickin stamps. Ralph is writin letters.

"Oh they'll get it for this one," says Ralph, typin.
"Is it to the President?" says me. I been writin to the President.
"Hell you know!" says Ralph Nader. "I'm writing to my corrupt and vacuous town council! Bunch of corporatist thugs!"
"That's right Ralph!" says me. "You stick it to The Man!"

The new "STOP" sign proposal for the corner of Stewart and Lethbridge is a disgrace to the community! Standing at 260 centimeters - a FULL 15 CENTIMETERS above AGREED-UPON INTERNATIONAL STANDARDS - this "STOP" sign would be virtually UNDETECTABLE to persons of midgetesque stature driving in mid-sized automobiles when crouching! The DEATH TRAP the council is planning to plant in our very midst is being fueled by corrupt business interests!

"Wow you are makin a real difference in our world Ralph Nader!" says me.
"I demolish windmills with the same idealistic vision that put seatbelts put on cars, made food labels more accurate, got Congress to try to create a Consumer Protection Agency, and later killed that Consumer Protection Agency!" says Ralph. "Now put on my stories!"

I pop in a tape of Young and the Restless from last Friday an Ralph does some ironing an mails vital culture-altering communiques to Michael Moore on weight gain, John Kerry on electoral strategy, the Congressional Black Caucus on bein a discriminated an harassed minority, an his supermarket on the placement of soup cans.

It is an OUTRAGE that Campbell's Creamy Tomato should stand on the top shelf on the soup aisle - requiring me to stretch and grasp to reach my soup - when the far inferior Campbell's Chicken and Corn would stand readily at eye level. The ONLY motivation I can see for such a placement would be to try to use the more convenient placement of the eye level shelves to FORCE me to purchase an inferior product.

I do NOT have to remind Stop & Shop that this is not my first communication to you regarding this issue. In fact it is not even my second, third, or fourth. I have sent NO LESS THAN SIXTEEN LETTERS alterting you to this situation and the inconvenience it has posed to me and it has YET TO BE RECTIFIED. As neither Stop & Shop nor its board of directors appear to care about the common consumer, I have no choice but to turn to your parent company, Ahold USA, and its CEO, Bill Grize, and, should they prove as stubborn and elitist, take my campaign directly to the stockholders.

"You are a real man of the people Ralph Nader," says me lickin another stamp.
"I am!" he says. "Now keep quiet! Daisy's baby's been kidnapped by Marguerite and I won't have it! Get me more paper!"

Santa:

Again, you've proved a disappointment. My position on Christmas could not have been clearer: I wanted a BLUE model train set with the RED trolley attachment. INSTEAD, YOU brought me a RED model AIRPLANE with BLUE retractable landing gear. The amount of incompetence and corruption you've increasingly displayed over the last sixty years would be nothing short of astonishing if it weren't so staggeringly old and predictable. With the millions you've received from the toy manufacturing and candy industries, you've become entirely subsidized by the military-corporatist complex.

Incidentally, have you SEEN yourself lately? You're getting truly HUGE. You need to lose, some weight, and FAST.

"You have a true gift Ralph Nader," says me. "A true gift from God."
"God and Satan are Tweedledum and Tweedledumber!" says Ralph.
"Ha ha!" says me. "It's funny because it snappily references both a well-beloved children's tome and a Jim Carrey vehicle."
"Shut your piehole!" says Ralph. "Back in my day we had the last dregs of a fading Vaudeville and we liked it!"
"Oh, Ralph Nader!" says me. "Take your pills."

We spend the rest a the day watchin reruns a the Price is Right an feedin Ralph's cats. He's got like a dozen cats.

posted by fafnir at 6:48 PM

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