Monday, June 14, 2004

Giblets was gratified to see the Supreme Court shoot down the Pledge Of Allegiance Under God case today. Michael Newdow, the Godless atheist who would have removed our nation's most prized oiece of God-branding, had argued that the pledge of allegiance violated the First Amendment by favoring religion over atheism.

What a silly busybody! Doesn't he know all real Americans ARE under God? And not just the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, or Allah or Buddha or whatnot. It is Ceremonial God. It is the same God you invoke when you put your hand on a Bible in court or purchase a nondenominational musical Easter card or when you yell "God damn it" when you stub a toe or when you say "God bless you" after a sneeze or a belch. Yes, God is a ceremonial belch-cleanser.

Everything is better when it is embossed with a vague smattering of God! Money is more trustworthy! Flags are more jingoistic! Supreme court buildings are more Law of Mosesy! Ceremonial God supersizes life. More importantly Ceremonial God is the American God. How do you know if that dollar or that oath or that national leader is trustworthy and American? It has the God™ seal of approval that is how!

This God is a fitting adornment for oaths and flags and coins. Especially coins! Ceremonial God blesses your divine use of a slot machine with every quarter you feverishly insert. He marks His glory upon every dollar bill you stuff into the g-string of an aging lap dancer. He is the God of Coke and Pepsi, the all-embracing deity of McDonalds and Wal-Mart. All are one in His commercial bounty.

Giblets longs for a day when God will proudly stand out not just on money, monuments, plaques, greeting cards, university mottos, bumper stickers, action figures and gun shows, but on everything from hamburger wrappers to beer to car insurance. Giblets had a Big Mac dripping with special sauce yesterday, and he thought "Is this special sauce godless, commie special sauce? Or is it All-American, True-Blue, Under God special sauce?" And the sad thing is my friends that Giblets did not know, because it did not say on the box.

Someday we will put an end to all of this and activist advertisers will no longer be able to chase God out of the public sphere and Giblets will be able to proclaim his religious faith in every consumable in the land. But for now our pledge of allegiance is intact and our God is safe. Praise the Lord and pass the french fries. Or better yet Mel Gibson's Passion Fries with Crucifixion Sauce! Now there is a God Giblets can pledge himself to.
posted by Giblets at 2:32 PM



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