Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Well that tears it. Giblets was thinkin' about voting for John Kerry* until he found out about his dire new partnership. His partnership of pessimism... with HITLER!
Giblets might have remained completely ignorant of the Hitler-Kerry Pro-Aggression Pact if it weren't for the selfless work of George Bush's web ad, which subtlely splices clips of angry Democrats with clips of Hitler.** What did they all have in common, Giblets wondered? And then it hit him: the anger. The bitterness. And the pessimism. The dark pessimism... of HITLER!
Look at Al Gore, and how ANGRY he is over the torturing of Iraqis in American-run prisons. Such rage and pessimism! Look at Michael Moore, and how FULL OF RAGE AND PESSIMISM over his country being sucked into a bloody war of choice! And look at dark, dour John Kerry, crackin' a joke about his ass! About his rage-filled, pessimist ass. The ass... of HITLER.
In fact now that Giblets thinks about it, Hitler isn't that much of a pessimist compared to John Kerry. In fact Hitler's got a lotta can-do, optimistic gumption. "Sure, I can fight fend off the allies in the west and conquer Russia at the same time!" he says. "Sure, all my problems will be solved if I can just kill every last Jew, gypsy and homosexual in Europe!" he says. He set goals for himself - difficult goals - and then tried to reach for those goals. That's some pie-in-the-sky thinkin' there.
Now imagine John Kerry there with Hitler. John Kerry with his dour, pessimist face and his dour, pessimist opinions. "Oh, Hitler's leading us into a quagmire," he'd say. "Oh, Hitler's killing innocent men, women and children by the millions," he'd go on. What a cosmic buzzkill! The Third Reich would never get anywhere if it was made of John Kerrys! Which only leads Giblets to conclude that on pessimism grounds, John Kerry is WORSE THAN HITLER!
"This is not a time for pessimism and rage. This is a time for optimism, steady leadership, and progress," says George Bush, or his ad***, and Giblets agrees. Giblets is an optimistic kinda guy. And so is George Bush. Between invading Iraq without a plan, leaving al Qaeda to metastasize while pulling troops out of Afghanistan and Pakistan, and putting out the same tax cut three years in a row to solve different economic problems, Bush has gotta be the sunniest optimist out there. I mean man, if you bottled that sunshine you'd be glowin' for a month.
And that is what America needs right now. Sunny leadership. Steady leadership. Untroubled-by-error leadership. So Giblets just has one question for any Democrats left: do you have the optimism NOT to vote for Kerry... and HITLER... in November?
Think about it. But not too hard.
*Maybe. Alright, Giblets was thinking of voting, period. Or getting registered. Or reading a newspaper. But he decided against it - because of John Kerry... and HITLER!
**The clips were supposed to be from an ad submitted from some random guy to Moveon.org. But Giblets chooses not to distinguish between ads, the images in ads, and any groups remotely affiliated with ads.
***See the second asterisk. Giblets doesn't distinguish between George Bush and his ads.
posted by Giblets at 10:24 PM
We are out on the boat hidin from our dangerous evil alternate twins from the evil alternate negaverse. We are hidin out on the boat cause man those guys'll never think to look for us on a boat. I mean, it's a boat.
"Another half hour an we will have safely sailed to Arkansas," says me.
"I do not trust this boat," says Giblets. "How many cannon does she have."
"One," says me. "If you count the ham sandwich."
"Lame!" says Giblets.
"Two then," says me. "If you count the can of beans an the ham sandwich."
"Less lame," says Giblets.
"You should respect our boat," says me. "She is the HMS Munky Bizness an I was told she is among the finest vessels in Her Majesty's sea forces."
"Harrumph," says Giblets. "Giblets finds Her Majesty's sea forces to be in serious decline."
"You should man the sandwich," says me.
"Giblets commandeers this ham sandwich in the name of our defense," says Giblets. "In case our evil alternate twins show up in an evil alternate boat."
"It could be ham or spam," says me. "I have to run a Bayesian filter to see."
"Giblets rejects your hegemonic ham/spam binary!" says Giblets. "Spam is just a superior form of ham. It is man's improvement on nature's ham."
"That's true," says me. "Spam comes in a handy can while ham comes packaged in inconvenient pig form."
"In the future we will get spam from special improved spam pigs," says Giblets, "which I call 'spigs'."
"In the future insects will be replaced by robot insects," says me, "which are cheaper and easier to manufacture."
"In the future we will discard spaceships and travel to the moon and back on comfortable moon trains," says Giblets, "built by a joint human-moon man effort. But vast immigration difficulties will develop."
"In the future humans will conduct all contact through the internet," says me. "All jobs will be e-jobs, all friends will be e-friends, all sex will be e-sex. Sperm and ova will be joined electronically to form e-babies."
"Porn stars will have e-sex with millions of strangers a day," says Giblets. "They will be constantly pregnant, even the men, but will be genetically engineered to reproduce only through budding."
"The president will be a giant satellite dish shaped like the president," says me. "He will have all of America's hopes an fears transmitted into him several times a day, an use use amazin new technologies to transform them into delicious hope-and-fear-flavored combo meals."
"On Fridays you will be able to get an American Dreamburger with fries and a large Coke for just $3.99," says Giblets.
"The future is a strange an beautiful place," says me.
"Like Arkansas," says Giblets.
"Here it comes! Look at that golden Arkansan shore," says me.
"Claimed in the name of Giblets!" says Giblets.
"Oh no!" says me. "Our evil alternate twins on an evil alternate boat!"
"A mighty battle!" says Giblets raisin the sandwich.
An there followed a mighty battle.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 6:46 PM
It appears that the Medium Lobster spoke too soon when he congratulated the work of the Supreme Court last week, for yesterday the nation's highest court struck a terrible blow against freedom. In reaffirming the fundamental right to be free from involuntary confinement without due process of law, the Supreme Court has gravely endangered Freedom by allowing some of it in the hands of those who would destroy it.
As the President argued when he began the War For Civilization, America cannot allow basic constitutional protections to its enemies - or its suspected enemies, or potential allies and relatives of its suspected enemies - lest they "use the forums of liberty to destroy liberty itself." Indeed, in the hands of the Jihadists, a writ of habeas corpus would prove more deadly than a hijacked plane or weaponized smallpox, for with it, they could unleash Freedom against itself in an Ouroborobian orgy of Islamofascist terror. America's one hope is to make certain that Freedom never falls into the wrong hands by curbing Freedom proliferation throughout the globe.
America may have lost this battle, but the Medium Lobster remains an optimist. There is always hope for curtailing the uncontrolled spread of Freedom, and the best place to start is here on the Homelandfront, where porous borders, open ports, an educated populace, and the First Amendment leave American citizens dangerously vulnerable to the misuse of Freedom by enemy forces. Fortunately, America and its President have antiterror weapons at its disposal. The President only a year ago discovered he posseses the power to suspend international treaties and domestic torture statutes; there's still time for him to discover he posseses the power to suspend court decisions that affect his ability to apply his suspension of those torture statutes.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:22 PM
Monday, June 28, 2004
Kieran Healy is a very helpful person. Yesterday he alerted us to astrosociology, which is like regular sociology but better because it is in outer space! Imagine the implications.
"Does astrosociology explain why the beautiful alien with the green hair and silver go-go boots will not let me teach her what love means?" says Giblets.
"Yes, as long as she is from outer space!" says me.
"If I am going to be building a school in outer space, could astrosociology help me with that outer space school?" says Giblets.
"Absolutely!" says me. "Outer space curriculum development is an important field in astrosociology."
"If I kill someone, is it justified because in killing someone I provide employment for the police who arrest me?" says Giblets.
"Astrosociology can't answer that question," says me. "But if you are throw an asteroid at the earth you might be justified because you provide employment for the asteroid-exploding nuclear missile launchers below."
"I am lookin' to give some outer space tax relief," says Giblets. "Will astrosociology be able to tell me whether I should try to stimulate outer space supply or outer space demand?"
"That is more astroeconomics than astrosocioeconomics," says me. "But sure, why not!"
There is a bold new world of study out there. A bold new world in space!
posted by fafnir at 8:08 AM
Yknow how sometimes to make a friend's birthday more special you want to surprise them, so instead of doin it on their birthday you take em out to a restaurant the day before when they wont expect and then all the other friends come jumpin out with cakes an candles goin "SURPRISE!"?
Well change "friend" to "Iraq" an "transfer of sovereignty" to "birthday" and "cakes an candles" to "car bombs" an you got yourself today cause the Coalition Provisional Authority just handed over power to a sorta-sovereign Iraqi government two days early! Surpriiiiiiiise, Iraq! Make a wish!
It sounded fun. They had a great little ceremony, an L. Paul Bremer read a piece of paper that said
"As recognized in U.N. Security Council resolution 1546, the Coalition Provisional Authority will cease to exist on June 28th, at which point the occupation will end and the Iraqi interim government will assume and exercise full sovereign authority on behalf of the Iraqi people. I welcome Iraq's steps to take its rightful place of equality and honor among the free nations of the world. Sincerely, L. Paul Bremer, ex-administrator of the Coalition Provisional Authority."And then he floated off in a big balloon, and Iraq clicked the heels on the slippers it had gotted from the Wicked Dictator of the East together three times an said "theres no place like sovereignty, theres no place like sovereignty" and disappeared in a puff of pixie dust! I read that it is true it was in Reuters.
Good luck Iraq, and many more.
posted by fafnir at 7:44 AM
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Giblets is still angry! Angry at Fahrenheit 9/11, the movie so evil and depraved it has caused Giblets to foam in insensate rage without having seen it. But now Giblets has a means of giving voice to his wordless rage, a vehicle for his footless fury! Giblets brings you: the anti-documentary documentary!
It would have been easy for Giblets to engage Moore on a "debate on the issues" he raises in his movies. It would have been so easy for Giblets to say "why, America's culture of irrational fear and hate actually lowers the level of gun violence in the country" or "layoffs make people happy," refuting two of his film's key theses. But that would be playing into Moore's hands! His fat, traitorous hands.
So instead of making a clever, funny documentary promoting conservative views Giblets has decided to make a documentary that is specifically limited to attacking one guy with no power over his life whose opinions piss him off. Giblets calls it "Michael Moore the Fat Hateful Traitor Versus Giblets the Beautiful Loving Patriot." In it I expose the following reasons to hate Michael Moore:
Giblets is pretty happy with the product. But it has gotten him thinking, what if Moore follows up with an anti-anti-documentary documentary documentary, such as "Giblets is a Short Bitter Little Weasel Who Lies About Me" (which would all be lies, Giblets is quite tall, handsome, and benevolent to all living things)? Giblets would have to counter with a good solid anti-anti-anti-documentary documentary documentary documentary, probably something like "Michael Moore is a Horrible Pig Who Has Lied About Giblets's Documentary About His Documentary."
The other tactic was to make a pro-anti-Moore-person documentary, something like "Ann Coulter is a Beautiful Human Being." But after fact-checking we had to change the name to "Ann Coulter is Not Actually a Poisonous Child-Eating Reptile," which didn't test as well.
*"lies" may or may not refer to actual lies, unsubstantiated rumors, or lies about lies
posted by Giblets at 9:23 PM
I'm at Ralph Nader's today, foldin towels an lickin stamps. Ralph is writin letters.
"Oh they'll get it for this one," says Ralph, typin.
"Is it to the President?" says me. I been writin to the President.
"Hell you know!" says Ralph Nader. "I'm writing to my corrupt and vacuous town council! Bunch of corporatist thugs!"
"That's right Ralph!" says me. "You stick it to The Man!"
The new "STOP" sign proposal for the corner of Stewart and Lethbridge is a disgrace to the community! Standing at 260 centimeters - a FULL 15 CENTIMETERS above AGREED-UPON INTERNATIONAL STANDARDS - this "STOP" sign would be virtually UNDETECTABLE to persons of midgetesque stature driving in mid-sized automobiles when crouching! The DEATH TRAP the council is planning to plant in our very midst is being fueled by corrupt business interests!"Wow you are makin a real difference in our world Ralph Nader!" says me.
"I demolish windmills with the same idealistic vision that put seatbelts put on cars, made food labels more accurate, got Congress to try to create a Consumer Protection Agency, and later killed that Consumer Protection Agency!" says Ralph. "Now put on my stories!"
I pop in a tape of Young and the Restless from last Friday an Ralph does some ironing an mails vital culture-altering communiques to Michael Moore on weight gain, John Kerry on electoral strategy, the Congressional Black Caucus on bein a discriminated an harassed minority, an his supermarket on the placement of soup cans.
It is an OUTRAGE that Campbell's Creamy Tomato should stand on the top shelf on the soup aisle - requiring me to stretch and grasp to reach my soup - when the far inferior Campbell's Chicken and Corn would stand readily at eye level. The ONLY motivation I can see for such a placement would be to try to use the more convenient placement of the eye level shelves to FORCE me to purchase an inferior product."You are a real man of the people Ralph Nader," says me lickin another stamp.
"I am!" he says. "Now keep quiet! Daisy's baby's been kidnapped by Marguerite and I won't have it! Get me more paper!"
Santa:"You have a true gift Ralph Nader," says me. "A true gift from God."
"God and Satan are Tweedledum and Tweedledumber!" says Ralph.
"Ha ha!" says me. "It's funny because it snappily references both a well-beloved children's tome and a Jim Carrey vehicle."
"Shut your piehole!" says Ralph. "Back in my day we had the last dregs of a fading Vaudeville and we liked it!"
"Oh, Ralph Nader!" says me. "Take your pills."
We spend the rest a the day watchin reruns a the Price is Right an feedin Ralph's cats. He's got like a dozen cats.
posted by fafnir at 6:48 PM
Everybody is talking about the "Veepstakes," which is Washingtonspeak for the process of picking a guy who voters think would be cool to replace you if you die. Everybody that is EXCEPT GIBLETS, which means nobody who matters at all! But Giblets has come to your rescue with the Giblets Veepstakes Roundup. Bow to Giblets, Veepstakes! Bow to Giblets, NOOOOOW!
posted by Giblets at 3:18 PM
In a week that has seen its share of sobering setbacks in the war on terror, the Medium Lobster was heartened to see America win a battle on the homefront. In the critical war to secure the homeland, the Supreme Court struck a victory for the national interest, insuring that America's Vice President will retain the power to keep the United States safe, one energy lobbyist at a time.
With Cheney v US District Court for the District of Columbia, the Supreme Court has protected not only Dick Cheney's right to construct America's energy policy in secret, but national security as well. For if the identities of the lobbyists who influence American government at its highest levels were to be exposed, all their administrative and congressional contacts would likewise be exposed, and stripped of their deep "non-official cover," these operatives and the vital cover corporations they work for would undoubtedly be the target of vicious political strikes and backlashes - all of which would result in crippling damage to America's corporate-intelligence community.
Secrecy is the lifeblood of national security, and if America does not take care to guard it, it will lose the war on terror to its most pernicious enemies. This week, those enemies were defeated. Even so, the Medium Lobster cautions America not to celebrate too quickly - there are still those enemies who seek to expose the deeeply-held secrets of the Vice President's money monkeys, and all of us must remember the dire threat they pose to the United States. Indeed, those who would seek to expose the identities of the White House's corporate cronies are, to paraphrase George H. W. Bush, the most insidious of traitors.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:33 PM
Friday, June 25, 2004
Giblets was a little disappointed to see GOP Senate candidate and Tom Clancy mainstay Jack Ryan drop out of the Illinois Senate race today. Ryan's only crime was one most of us have been guilty of at one point or other - wanting to get freaky with a hot alien chick in a sex club. But what has really disappointed Giblets is the lack of support from the Republican party, to turn on a man just because of his sex life. And after all he's done to protect America from Japanese terrorists!
But on the other hand Giblets understands where the Republicans are coming from. They are providing us with steady leadership. Steady leadership... in times of change. Sure they coulda said "Hey, Jack Ryan is a decent candidate who left a high-paying investment banking position to teach in an inner-city high school for three years. Let's stop stigmatizing consenting adults based on what they do with their genitals." But the Republican Party had higher principles than that. It had stronger, steadier principles than that. Principles which dictate that if you like sex that is Officially Icky, you do not belong in the Grand Old Party.
Giblets can respect that strong devotion to genital regulatory policy. Maintaining that policy for so long may end up costing the Republicans the Senate, but that makes their sacrifice to stigmatize America's private lives all the more courageous. God bless you, GOP.
posted by Giblets at 10:31 PM
This is a good pie. This is a proud and free pie. This is a representative democracy pie. In its crust is baked the sugar of civil liberty and the flour of equal justice for all. It is America's pie.
What does it taste like? It tastes like freedom. What is in its filling? A land of opportunity, manifest destiny and righteous moral whatsis. How should you eat it? With ice cream!
There are some people who say it is an apple pie, homebaked by beaming housewives and smiling hardworking legal immigrants and up-from-the-bootstraps entrepreneurs and cigar-smokin CEOs and lobbyists representing the coal and arms manufacturing industries, and it is good and wholesome and pure and do not touch it you will soil the pie with your horrible pie-staining fingers! There are others who say no way man, it is a big messy potluck pie, it has got mixed fruit and vegetables an tomatoes an onions an some meat an gravy an somebody baked some weed in there an pretty much everythin you can think of and boy it is a weird screwy messed-up pie but we like it anyway, and it was baked by organic farmers and high-minded crusadin civil rights attorneys an People for the Ethical Treatment of Pies an monks who are pepetually on fire somehow an quit oppressin us with your hierarchical structures! All of them want the pie for their own but all of them do love the pie, regardless of their many many differences.
What I am trying to say is Americans are fat. Thank you and goodnight.
posted by fafnir at 7:17 PM
Flee from Giblets, Fahrenheit 9/11! Flee from Giblets, NOW!
The film: Nazi propaganda! The message: insolent lies! The filmmaker: not thin! All of these and more are true and will continue to be true UNTIL THE END OF TIME! They are so true they have seeped into the Collective Unconsciousness which is where Giblets became aware of this evil insolent Nazi propaganda film hell-beast from hell. So true Giblets did not actually have to see the movie itself in order to review it!
Giblets will now recount to you the lies of Michael Moore!
Such hideous lies! Stand exposed, Michael Moore! Stand exposed for the hideous liar you are! Stand exposed by Giblets!
posted by Giblets at 5:17 PM
Giblets is angry! Angry at Al Gore!
Yesterday Al Gore delivered a crazy hate-filled speech filled with crazy hate. While Giblets did not see the speech he did notice it on that first outpost of modern journalism The Drudge Report, which referred to it as "MOOOOOOOORE GOOOOOORE ROOOOOOAAAR!" and accompanied it with several stock photos of Gore at his reddest and blotchiest. Giblets did not see the speech or in fact read it in its entirety but he can only imagine Gore delivered it topless and sweatily, screeching and heaving from limb to limb like an enormous ape. Terrifying!
But it was not just Gore's insane performance which theoretically troubled Giblets as he read diligent newsman Matt Drudge's dry summation. It was Gore's shrill, hate-filled rhetoric which chilled Giblets to his tiny, Gibletsian bones:
I am convinced that our founders would counsel us today that the greatest challenge facing our republic is not terrorism but how we react to terrorism, and not war, but how we manage our fears and achieve security without losing our freedom. I am also convinced that they would warn us that democracy itself is in grave danger if we allow any president to use his role as commander in chief to rupture the careful balance between the executive, the legislative and the judicial branches of government. Our current president has gone to war and has come back into "the city" and declared that our nation is now in a permanent state of war, which he says justifies his reinterpretation of the Constitution in ways that increase his personal power at the expense of Congress, the courts, and every individual citizen.
Oh the feverish hate puring out of that man! Well, Giblets is not going to tolerate a hate-filled crazy person with nothing to do but lower the level of discourse with these meditations on the dangers of the elevation of wartime executive power. Thank God Giblets knows he's crazy and can accordingly ignore anything he says.
Giblets will now close with multiple images of Gore looking crazy and fat (these may actually be of that chick turning into a blueberry from "Willy Wonka," Giblets promises nothing).
posted by Giblets at 1:12 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2004
So I was at the supermarket the other day buyin bananas an I see this banana with a big bright sticker on it that says "SEE GARFIELD THE MOVIE!" on it an I think to myself well if you can't trust a banana in this day in age who can you trust right so I pick up my things an run out the door as fast as I can down the street an over the other street an across the next one into the movie theater to see Garfield the Movie.
And it was bad. It was so so bad. On a scale from zero to suck it was a fifteen.
So I ran back out the theater out the street over the next street right up the other street into the supermarket again past all the angry supermarket people who're all waitin for me from the last time when I ran out carryin all my supermarket things an I ran over to the banana an said "Banana I trusted you! I trusted you to give me an informed and unbiased opinion to direct me in the choices I make in my daily life an you misled me. You misled me with slick advertising and big capital letters and an urgent exclamation point an how am I supposed to believe anything you say now, banana, about how you are rich in potassium and how you are good for my bones and which politicians to vote for? Today I have lost not just a banana, banana, but a role model. You have cast a pall on all bananakind."
At that point I hadda leave cause the supermarket people were throwin cheese samples at me.
posted by fafnir at 4:50 PM
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
As some a you probly noticed Fafblog took an unexpected hiatus after some minor bruising occurred after our last Serious Philosophical Discussion. It will never happen again we promise for real an we are sorry!
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.
posted by fafnir at 7:30 PM
Giblets has been reading Bill Clinton's book My Life and he has to say it is not only a boring disappointment, it is an evasive, immoral, boring disappointment which has forever tarnished the integrity of the Office of Book.
There are 927 pages in this thing and most of it is all kinds of blithering on Bill Clinton's various policy initiatives. Well y'know, if Giblets wanted to read about what it takes to actually run a country, Giblets would buy a book about that, or "engage in informed policy debates" or "pay attention to the news" or "vote."
That is not why Giblets bought Bill Clinton's book. He bought Clinton's book for stories about hot throbbin' presidential cocks and steamy illicit sex. He bought it for raunchy cigar stories and oh-so-priceless bits of marital strife and wet, raw, president-on-intern action! And for the perjury. Yes let us always remember it was the perjury that was most important. Ahem.
But there is like one paragraph tops in here! And in it Clinton apologizes to me, Giblets, for nothing! Well, I put down my $35 for Clinton groveling and Giblets demands a presidential apology! Something along the lines of:
And it was then that I, Bill Clinton, realized how very wrong I had been about absolutely everything. To this day I am wracked with soul-crippling guilt, not just for betraying my wife and family, but for betraying my country to liberalism, for being elected - twice! - and maintaining peace and prosperity under a Democratic administration. I apologize for being a successful, charismatic Democratic president, a scourge I have dealt to history and a sin I pray God will one day forgive.Now that would have been a book. As it is, Bill Clinton has gotten me to buy a long-winded blithering biography about what he did when he was president. You deceived Giblets again. For shame, Clinton. For shame.
posted by Giblets at 3:42 PM
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Yknow here on Fafblog we talk about a lot of serious important political matters such as the space program an the Pope an the war an Glofish but what of the mind? What about the life of the mind? We do not want our readers to think we are light-thinkin loafers just sittin around all day talkin about fish and pies all day. We also have Serious Philosophical Discussions.
And so here today will be the first of a series of Serious Philosophical Discussions on Fafblog in dialogue form similar to the dialogues of Socrates and Berkeley.
FAFNIR: Why hello Giblets! I see that you are eatin a sandwich.
GIBLETS: Yep. It's a pretty tasty sandwich.
FAF.: But did you ever pause to consider Giblets what happens when you bite into that sandwich?
GIBS.: Um. I eat a piece of sandwich?
FAF.: The sandwich experiences pain of course, but how exactly does it experience pain? We consider pain to exist in the sandwich's "mind" but it is a mental reaction to somethin physical.
GIBS.: It's just a sandwich.
FAF.: Let us say that the samwich is in physical state S, for sandwich, when you bite into it. But at the same time it would also be in mental state... um... S, for spooky sandwich mental state.
GIBS.: It's ham and cheese on potato bread. With honey mustard.
FAF.: But can't we imagine the sandwich in mental state S without bein in physical state S?
GIBS.: I'm in mental state P, for gettin pissed off with you pokin at my sandwich.
FAF.: Allow me to demonstrate further. If we remove the sandiwch's brain, or ham, and place it in another sandwich like so, is it now a different sandwich with different thoughts an mental states?
GIBS.: Hey! That is Giblets's sandwich! It belongs to Giblets and is the sole domain of Giblets!
FAF.: Ow! Quit it! This is the pursuit of knowledge here Giblets!
GIBS.: You quit it!
FAF.: You quit it!
GIBS.: AAA! Put that down!
Labels: serious discussions
posted by fafnir at 10:23 AM
Friday, June 18, 2004
There's been a lotta talk about the Easter Bunny lately so I thought I'd better come out and say somethin about it.
Now a lotta people in the media have been misrepresentin what the Easter Egg Commission said about the Easter Bunny's connection to Easter Eggs. What the commission said is that there was no credible evidence of the Easter Bunny layin Easter Eggs. Well of course there isn't that would be silly! And neither me or Giblets ever said that the Easter Bunny himself ever laid Easter Eggs. What we have said all along is that there were long-established ties between the Easter Bunny and the chickens that lay those Easter Eggs.
Me an Giblets are aware of numerous contacts between the Easter Bunny and chickens and representatives of chickens such as the possible meeting between the Easter Bunny and a chicken agent in Prague an those old commercials for Cadbury eggs where the rabbit would make the "bwawk bwawk" noises. Those were great commercials.
Now what kind of connections could we be talking about? Maybe we are talkin about a vast Easter Bunny-financed network of chickens and chicken-egg-painting and distributing centers. Training camps for Easter Egg-laying chickens funded through the Easter Bunny. Who knows the Easter Bunny is a very cunning bunny. But we know those connections are there. Now given all of that it is obvious that when I said last year we should go invade Easter Bunnyland and look for the Easter Bunny's delicious colorful Easter Eggs I knew exactly what I was talkin about and shame on you media for suggesting otherwise. It is very irresponsible.
At a later point I would like to discuss the Commission's findins regarding the replacement of my baby teeth with money by the Tooth Fairy.
posted by fafnir at 11:45 AM
Thursday, June 17, 2004
I am Fafnir, but I am also the state of Montana. My capital is Helena. I have a population of about 902,000 people and the nation's largest migratory elk herd and am called "The Treasure State" presumably because of early pirate heritage. My state flower is the bitterroot and my state bird is the western meadowlark. Silly Montana! What kind of state bird is the western meadowlark?
I have 3 electoral votes and am not considered a swing state and so will not be heavily prized in the current presidential election, which is kind of disappointing. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I were Florida with its recall politics an its cryogenically frozen Walt Disneys and its booming funeral industry. But then I would not have the nation's largest migratory elk herd, or the western meadowlark. And in the end I am quite happy bein the state of Montana for today.
posted by fafnir at 11:06 AM
The 9/11 commission has ruled that there is "no credible evidence" of an Iraq connection to the 9/11 attacks, mere days after Vice President Dick Cheney once again asserted that Saddam Hussein did indeed directly support al Qaeda. The Medium Lobster finds it interesting - but all-too-typical - that what has been siezed upon by the liberal media has been this particular finding of the commission, and not the fact that al Qaeda did indeed seek out assistance from Iraq, which was considered by Hussein even though he gave bin Laden no response. Furthermore, the Medium Lobster would remind the anti-war Left that while there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that Hussein actually accepted bin Laden's offer, there is likewise no evidence to suggest that he did not, at some later point, accept it.
Remember that absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, and with the stakes being what they are, we cannot wait for a "smoking gun" - for that smoking gun may come in the form of a rusted, disused cannister of mustard gas on a Manhattan subway, or three barrels of pesticide mistaken by weapons inspectors for Sarin on the steps of the Capitol. Remember that 9/11, after all, changed everything - even elementary rules of logic - and we cannot pursue the real threats of today before we've finished eliminating the more deadly potentially-shadowy threats of tomorrow.
Oh, there was an al Qaeda connection, my friends. It was an al Qaeda connection of the heart, and in lusting after international terrorism, Saddam Hussein committed that partnership on a dangerously conceptual level - one that could not be ignored on this very material, tank-and-bomb-filled reality.
The good news is that this menace is defeated. The bad news is that, as David Frum and Richard Perle have demonstrated, America has many shadow-enemies left to conquer. The Medium Lobster would note that, while we lack evidence to prove it, France may have considered partnering with Saddam and bin Laden - and they are a nuclear threat. Be warned.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:09 AM
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
I remember back when I used to hang with the Pope. Those were great days.
"Hey Pope what's up" I'd say and he'd come back with "in domini lepus de spiritus sancti" and I'd be all "Ha ha you and your crazy Pope-talk." Then we'd go out to sea to fight the pirates!
The pirates were lead by the mad pirate Captain Greens. He had a patch on each eye an a peg on each leg an three claws on each hand an a mouth fulla gold doubloons which he had pounded not into teeth but into wiring an not into proper AC electrical wiring but obsolete direct current wiring which could not possibly plug into anything on his ship but instead simply hung from his mouth in loop after ungainly loop. He was just that mad! He spent all his time makin pirate raids on a Ben Northrup's Fishwich Shop on the east side where he'd mostly skip the register and target complimentary items like napkins an ketchup packets. The Fishwich Shop had become very heavily fortified over the years and the Captain lost about a third a his crew to the overzealous Fishwich artillerymen, but they were all loyal an desperate an bored enough to stick through the worst a times.
The Pope did not think much of Captain Greens and told him so. Captain Greens replied "Mmmffmfmlllfmmfl" and there was a duel! It was won by Doctor Mugwump the Captain's parrot.
I used to spend a lotta time correspondin with Doctor Mugwump and I found him to be a charming and erudite fellow. We spent a whole year discussin art an music an how do you read these you are a parrot. I often fondly look back on those letters with nostalgia an confusion.
After it was all over me an the Pope promised to take down Captain Greens's last words. They were "Ggngngnffff." We spent the rest of the summer at the junkyard lookin through junk. The Pope said "in corpus cristi in mentis lepus" and I said "Oh you crazy Pope." Those were great days.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:38 PM
Giblets has come to reach out to the world of Muslim extremists tonight. For tonight Giblets is wearing the bright fuzzy slippers of the peacemaker. He is Peacemaker Giblets. Can you feel the peace, world? No? Feel the peace! Giblets commands you!
Yesterday Iraqi insurgents attacked Iraq's oil supply again, sabotaging pipelines and assasinating a top oil official. Muslim extremists, this is madness. We do not share many of the same values. We do not share the same values regarding political freedom, or women's rights, or the universal value of human life, or modernity. But there is at least one thing we both love and appreciate, and it is oil.
Oil. Sweet, thick, gooey oil, trickling in smooth black slippery rivulets through our fingers, over our toes, into the sweet caress of the oil-dipping pool. You love it 'cause it buys you nukes. We love it 'cause we're hooked. Give Giblets a lil' taste a that sweet sweet crude now. Yeah that's the stuff. We both feel the giddy thrill when a hot black geyser spurts into the air whether we are Texas oil barons or Saudi royal princes. It is not what we call God that matters, Muslim extremists. It is what grade we pump in Him that counts.
Remember that God, in His wisdom, gave all of us this beautiful planet with all its natural resources to pillage. Do not hurt the fossil fuel you love, Muslim extremists! Pump it dry, then sell it to us at a discount price.
Giblets dreams of a future in which people of every race, creed, and color will be able to put aside their differences and focus on the one thing that unites us all: we are all together here on this planet, and we all want to plunder it together. Together we can leave it as a giant empty wasteland for our children. A giant empty wasteland of religious harmony.
posted by Giblets at 8:24 PM
At the Gadflyer they have had this article about the Reverend Sun Myung Moon gettin crowned the messiah by a buncha congressmen in a Senate office building last March (Wonkette points out that story is just a "story from March!" Which is true, why we talking about it anymore? Also whats up with us talkin about this whole "deceived into invading Iraq" business? That happened last year! Sheesh!). It sounds kinda scary because after all how many people get crowned the messiah on Capitol Hill these days other than say Jesus or his new cyborg equivalent CyberJesus? But as it turns out the crownin thing is just the beginning. Mr Moon also owns a number of respected media outlets including a newspaper, a wire service, and whatever the World Tribune is and he donates millions of dollars to conservative organizations.
But is he really crazy? The follwing excerpt is from a phone interview with the Rev. Moon:
ME: So I understand you made a lot of your fortune through the US fishing industry Rev Moon.
REV. MOON: HA HA HA! It is no longer merely a fishing INDUSTRY! I have now dubbed it the Worldwide Unity Church of Fish, and through it I have married each and every fish in America!
ME: Wow that is impressive!
REV. MOON: Fish will no longer debase themselves in gross extramarital usage of the fish love organ! So declares Moon, Guardian Messiah-King of the Fish!
ME: Guardian-King of the Fish?
REV. MOON: Yes indeed! I was annointed such when I ascended bodily into Icthyon, the 19th realm of Heaven, and knighted by JaBudah, the Jesus-Buddah hybrid and holy avatar of the Fish Genome!
ME: Oh wow! Not THE JaBudah?
So as you can see the Rev. Moon actually has a very impressive list of credentials an endorsements! But unfortunately that doesn't mean he's not crazy. In addition to being a fish-and-marriage afficionado the reverend is also very big on eliminating gays and says the Holocaust was justified as punishment for killing the "first True Parent," who Giblets tells me was Shemp. He also wants to abolish the separation of church and state and turn government into an ultraconservative theocracy where only members of his religion are allowed to rule. And he actually has influence and power, too! Can you believe it?
Here are some of his scarier quotes:
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
"I think 'one man, one vote,' just unrestricted democracy, would not be wise. There needs to be some kind of protection for the minority which the white people represent now, a minority, and they need and have a right to demand a protection of their rights."
"There is no such thing as separation of church and state in the Constitution. It is a lie of the Left and we are not going to take it anymore."
"If anybody understood what Hindus really believe, there would be no doubt that they have no business administering government policies in a country that favors freedom and equality."
"The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior."
"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
"I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
"I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good... Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a Biblical duty, we are called by God, to conquer this country. We don't want equal time. We don't want pluralism."
Whew! That is pretty awful scary stuff. All I can say is it is a good thing he is just one guy and not a symptom of a much bigger nastier movement determined to take over a large mainstream religion and influence our entire government.
posted by fafnir at 5:45 PM
War Liberal brought us a fantastic piece a news the other day about the Supreme Court in Israel lifting a ban on pork products. Yes Israeli streets can now flow freely with ham an bacon, sausage an salami, veisswurst an head cheese an pickled pig's feet. The great and glorious bounty of pork is now open to all of the Holy Land, let freedom ring!
This is a great moment not only for religious freedom, not only for porkular freedom, but for religio-culinary unity, for Israeli-pork convergence will bring us ever closer to the dream pork unitarians have longed for for six thousand years: kosher pork.
"But Fafnir" you say "how can such a beautiful thing ever be possible it is just too beautiful."
With science my friends. With science. Allow me to demonstrate:
"And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you." (Leviticus 11:7)The solution you see is to genetically engineer a pig with extra stomachs that can chew its cud. Then the swine will no longer be unclean and we will have Hassidim dancin for joy in showers of smoked ham in the streets of Jerusalem! "But is it just that easy Fafnir" you ask. Of course it is not that easy. Our special Moses-approved pigs will have to be properly killed and blessed by a Rabbi.
But it doesn't stop with delicious deli meats for our Orthodox brothers an sisters. With the pork barrier laid low another wall between the faiths is toppled an we become closer as a worldwide people. I can only pray that science will one day work with Islam to produce halal pork, that one day we will all be joined together in a Universal Church of Pork where it does not matter what name we give to God but how savory and succulent is our delicious bacon.
posted by fafnir at 11:35 AM
There's been a lotta God in the news lately an not all of it has been good. What with the Holy Wars an the church and state an the clash of civilizations an the spiral of leftist depravity it has been a tough time for God and Godstuff lately. Which is why Fafblog is here to help with Ecumenical Healing Day!
All today we will be tryin to heal the rifts of faith. Heal them with love. Because that is what this blog is all about: love. Have you clicked the link of love my friends? Have you clicked the link of love?
posted by fafnir at 10:41 AM
Monday, June 14, 2004
Giblets was gratified to see the Supreme Court shoot down the Pledge Of Allegiance Under God case today. Michael Newdow, the Godless atheist who would have removed our nation's most prized oiece of God-branding, had argued that the pledge of allegiance violated the First Amendment by favoring religion over atheism.
What a silly busybody! Doesn't he know all real Americans ARE under God? And not just the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, or Allah or Buddha or whatnot. It is Ceremonial God. It is the same God you invoke when you put your hand on a Bible in court or purchase a nondenominational musical Easter card or when you yell "God damn it" when you stub a toe or when you say "God bless you" after a sneeze or a belch. Yes, God is a ceremonial belch-cleanser.
Everything is better when it is embossed with a vague smattering of God! Money is more trustworthy! Flags are more jingoistic! Supreme court buildings are more Law of Mosesy! Ceremonial God supersizes life. More importantly Ceremonial God is the American God. How do you know if that dollar or that oath or that national leader is trustworthy and American? It has the God™ seal of approval that is how!
This God is a fitting adornment for oaths and flags and coins. Especially coins! Ceremonial God blesses your divine use of a slot machine with every quarter you feverishly insert. He marks His glory upon every dollar bill you stuff into the g-string of an aging lap dancer. He is the God of Coke and Pepsi, the all-embracing deity of McDonalds and Wal-Mart. All are one in His commercial bounty.
Giblets longs for a day when God will proudly stand out not just on money, monuments, plaques, greeting cards, university mottos, bumper stickers, action figures and gun shows, but on everything from hamburger wrappers to beer to car insurance. Giblets had a Big Mac dripping with special sauce yesterday, and he thought "Is this special sauce godless, commie special sauce? Or is it All-American, True-Blue, Under God special sauce?" And the sad thing is my friends that Giblets did not know, because it did not say on the box.
Someday we will put an end to all of this and activist advertisers will no longer be able to chase God out of the public sphere and Giblets will be able to proclaim his religious faith in every consumable in the land. But for now our pledge of allegiance is intact and our God is safe. Praise the Lord and pass the french fries. Or better yet Mel Gibson's Passion Fries with Crucifixion Sauce! Now there is a God Giblets can pledge himself to.
posted by Giblets at 2:32 PM
Saturday, June 12, 2004
This is the Boston cream pie. It is creamy. It is rich. It is extravagant. It travels among the glitterati and the well-to-do and it is never out of place. It is so upper crust it does not need a crust. Everyone has good things to say about the schools it went to and the celebrities it hangs out with and its influential family. This is the old money pie.
And it is a good pie, a delicious pie, a pie as smooth and as silky as a limousine made of fur coats. But has this pie forgotten its roots? Has it become distant and cold to its fellow pies, like the earthy apple pie and the hearty pot pie and the homespun pumpkin pie? Or is all of this just the bitter whispering of jealous pies?
You are haughty and aloof, Boston cream pie and we resent you for it. But we resent you because we love you so. We crave your rich texture and privileged upbringing. We pine for your easy socialite lifestyle and your creamy custard filling. Who does not want in their heart of hearts to be the Boston cream pie?
posted by fafnir at 8:54 PM
Well I am proud to bring all our thousands of loyal readers and Glofish afficionados an update regarding the status of Glofish™, the worlds first ever genetically modified pet fish that really glows, which as you know are currently banned in the increasinly dystopian state of California as a result of insidious anti-Glofish anti-freedom forces. We at Fafblog strive to bring you up-to-date up-to-the-moment news on the Glofish liberation movement as it happens. Are so-called libertarians Arthur Silber or Jim Henley bloggin this? Is Eugene Volokh crunchin Glofish law? And still not a peep out of native Californian and canned chicken magnate Calpundit! Fafblog is carryin this story all by ourselves here.
In the Virgin Islands Glofish are bein put on display at the aquarium in Coral World a theme park which is quickly makin a name for itself as one of the premiere Glofish-viewing venues of the western hemisphere. The response to the Glofish exhibit is described as "very positive" which is great news for glofish and therefore for the cause of human liberty in general but more than that, it could spark a new revolution in freedom - whole Gloquaiums full of glowing fish with Glosharks™ and Gloctopi™ and Glolphin™ shows! The forces of evil oppression will shake their heads and say "we do not like these delightful glowing fish for they fill the people with hope and freedom!" and they will try like anything to stop us from building our vast glowing aquariums because they know that as John Stuart Mill said more glowing animals means more civil liberties.
We must fight back and claim our glowing GM pet rights which is why you should write this letter to your senator or congressman today! Do not change the words your words will not be as good.
Dear Senator and/or Congressperson:
Hi how's things, things are fine. Except with Glofish! For one thing they are banned in California can you believe that? I believe Senator or Congressperson that Californians should be able to enjoy Glofish just as much as those wealthy and rich lobbyists in the halls of power do. The right to a Glofish is an inalienable right for all people in the world.
Also I think we should have government-funded Gloquariums in every state to further freedom. Glofish are cheap and easy to take care of Senator or Congressperson, I got mine at the store for like three for ten bucks! With a billion dollars you could buy a lot of Glofish and put them in big tanks all over the country. I also think we should have a National Gloquarium of Congress which will have every type of Glofish in the world so all the children in America can visit it and be inspired by great concepts such as justice liberty and glofish. If we do not have our glofish what else do we have? Nothng that is what Senator or Congressperson. I am a single issue voter an will be notin your response.
posted by fafnir at 4:01 PM
"Should we put Reagan on the ten-dollar bill?" I says to Giblets. "We'd have to bump Alexander Hamilton."
"I don't know why we don't put Aaron Burr on there," says Giblets. "He won the duel."
"Jim Henley says we should put Ray Charles on it," I says.
"Harrumph to Jim Henley," says Giblets. "I had my way we'd have Miles on our money. That way the back of the one-dollar bill could be the cover to Bitches Brew. Which would be bitchin'."
"I dunno," I says. "I prefer his earlier pre-fusion sound such as Round About Midnight and Birth of the Cool."
"That is because you are lame and stupid and bad!" says Giblets. "You have no real love for the soul of jazz, just for bits of music that you like! You did not feel it come alive in the 70s!"
"Neither of us were alive in the 70s," I says.
"You are oppressing Giblets with your rigid temporalist structures!" says Giblets.
"See this always happens Giblets," I says. "Every time we discuss the US treasury we get into fights about jazz and temporalist structures."
"Giblets is going to run away and form his own blog!" says Giblets "And it is going to be a grand celebration of 70s jazz and Giblets and proto-funk and Giblets and stickin' it to the man and Giblets is going to call it 'Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Blog'!"
"I feel like soup right now," I says. "I'm going to make some soup."
posted by fafnir at 1:55 PM
The Medium Lobster has been disquieted of late at by the latest round of Iraq torture scandal news. There has been much uproar - among that irritating minority which have not been studiously scrutinizing the week's top story, the beatification of Ronald Reagan, at least - regarding the powers of the president and the incompatibility of torture with a liberal democracy. In the midst of all this, the Medium Lobster would like to offer those with cooler heads some perspective as to the merits of harsh interrogation.
Imagine there is some weapon of mass destruction planted by terrorists in the heart of a city, ready to go off - a "ticking bomb," if you will. Would it be wrong to torture a terrorist to find the location of such a device and save the millions of lives at risk? Hardly. Now, what if instead of torturing a terrorist, interrogators had to torture a confederate of that terrorist - some associate who would know where the terrorist was so they could locate that ticking bomb? Is that dirtying of our hands such a high price to ask in the goal to protect millions? I think not. Now, what if instead of a terrorist's comrade, interrogators have a terrorist's relative or neighbor? Is it still justified to go as far to save innocent lives? I should hope so! And what if that terrorist has a lot of relatives and neighbors - hundreds, even? Would it be wrong to grant blanket authority to torture hundreds of prisoners knowing full well that any of them could have the crucial information required to save a city? Certainly not! And what if the threat we're faced with is not a bomb at all but an even more pernicious threat - a rogue nation with the potential capability to someday construct that bomb? Would it not be America's right - no, her duty - to invade that country, occupy it, and set up a system of torture-like interrogations to rid that country of terrorists and weapons of mass destruction once and for all? Absolutely!
Indeed, the most unsettling question being raised by these latest news items is not the issue of torture itself, but the question of whether America will be strong enough to use that torture to defeat the enemies of life and liberty. The Medium Lobster can only hope that this great nation will retain its nerve.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:59 PM
Wednesday, June 9, 2004
This week has been hard on Giblets, with Reagan being dead. Giblets wasn't actually in America per se while he was president, or even while he was cogent. But watching him on television Giblets feels as if he knew him as well as any random stranger watching endless tributes and funerary coverage for days on end. That was the magic connectivity of Reagan, you see.
And what more fitting send-off to the president we sometimes knew and kinda loved than with a week-long televised corpse-a-thon! Giblets is currently flipping between "Reagan: The Legacy," "The Reagan Legacy," "Reagan: The Man, The Legend" and the funeral with the delicious-yet-tasteful pun, "Mourning in America." If Giblets clicks superfast he can see caskets on five networks at once!
But the news networks are not the only ones showcasing President Reagan. Food TV is presenting their marathon "Cooking With Reagan." The former president marinates a salmon steak with the genial smile and sunny demeanor we have all come to love. VH1 has broken off showing looped episodes of "I Love the 80s" to show looped episodes of "I Love Reagan," a zany pop culturefest in which celebrities such as Mo Rocca and Steven Tyler mock yet idolize Reagan in twenty-second segments. And even TNT has switched from showing endless reruns of "Law & Order" to a continuous feed of Sam Waterson playing Jack McCoy playing Reagan, standing tall and erect in front of an enormous American flag and reading all speeches and signed legislation from the administration. A tear glistens in his eye as he reads H. Con. Res. 17.
Giblets can take no more, it pains him to have lost his Reagan so! I flip to the game show channel but alas, it is a rerun of the mid-80s "Press Your Luck" guest-starring Reagan. "No whammies," smiles the Great Communicator as he presses down on the big red button. Oh Reagan, only you could press your luck with such irrepressible optimism. There will be no whammies for you in that good tomorrow, Happy Warrior!
Today they are moving the casket to Washington and Giblets is with them every step of the way, on CNN and Fox and yes even MSNBC. Giblets has seen the mortician interviewed and has seen 3D rotating specs of the coffin. Giblets is given to understand there is talk of setting up a special C-SPAN 4 which will be nothing but Reagan funeral coverage.
Apparently something is happening at the UN, and there's a summit - GE? GM? Giblets has no patience for summits! - but Giblets does not care, this week he only has news-eyes for Reagan. There's also some kinda torture thing goin' on but Giblets does not know why they bother. Torture was so two months ago.
posted by Giblets at 6:36 PM
So Chris comes home today real angry. "Where is my computer an my TV an all my furniture an stuff and why is there a motorcycle in the driveway, did you sell all my stuff an my computer an my TV to buy a motorcycle?" he says. "I can't remember," I says. "Yesterday was so heady." And it was! So very heady.
Chris produces a memo from me to Giblets.
RE: MOTORCYCLE"That was a hypothetical," says Giblets.
"That's true Chris," says me. "Anybody can ask about a hypothetical motorcycle, it does not mean motorcycles were purchased."
Chris has more memos. Where did he get all these memos!
RE: HELMET"That was more hypotheticals," says Giblets. "Nary a non-hypothetcal motorcycle to be found."
"But aren't you glad to know that if we did look at gettin a motorcycle we would have considered all the safety issues?" says me.
"Yes we are responsible Fafnirs and Gibletses," says Giblets. "Who will not go around lookin like dorks."
RE: FUNDING"Chris what you have there is a legal finding," says Giblets.
"A consultation," says me.
"Now all that means is that it was within Gibletsian law to sell your stuff and use it to bu a motorcycle," says Giblets.
"But that doesn't mean we actually sold your stuff and bought a motorcycle!" says me. "Least I don't think we did."
Chris gets all upset sayin "But there is a motorcycle!" which is really besides the point. I mean the memos just show that we talked about buyin a motorcycle, and the motorcycle shows that somebody bought a motorcycle but it doesn't show who it was or how they did it or why. It is another mystery wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a motorcycle.
Chris asks if we have a receipt for buyin a motorcycle. "I am not in a position to answer that quetion, and the receipt, if it exists, may or may not be classified," says Giblets.
Chris looks all sad now. Chris, don't be like that! If you cheer up you can ride our motorcycle.
posted by fafnir at 3:32 PM
The Weekly Standard has just broken what Giblets has dubbed the prime story of the year: the discovery that numerous Beatles songs were actually about drugs! Backed up by a shocking confession by aging junkie Paul McCartney, intrepid investigative reporter Victorino Matus delves into the lyrics of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and explains for those of us uninitiated into the heady and terrifying world of illicit drugs:
For those not indoctrinated, it seems fairly obvious: "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" is a mnemonic for LSD... Where exactly has [Lucy] gone to? Did her eyes change from kaleidoscopes into the sun or are these two different girls? Clearly the only way to "dig" the message is by going on an acid trip.Giblets is "hip" to your "scene" now, Lennon-McCartney! Music's just not "groovy" enough for ya without that sweet, sweet taste of Mary Jane! First comes the off-beat syncopation and experimentation with eastern rhythms, then comes the heady plunge into a world of vibrant textures and colors where music breathes, walls pulse, and Ringo's sellin' George's ass to Lucky Jim Crackpipe for just one more shot at the Reefer, the Cheeba, the Good Skunk, the Fox Job, the Monkeypaw, the Crab Habit, the Greek Freaky, the Jujyfruit!
For Beatles fans it is the equivalent, as Mr Matus points out, of "finding out that Alger Hiss really was a spy." And worse - a spy on pot! Giblets can only ponder how it would have affected the reputations of John Lennon and Paul McCartney back in the straight and clean days of the 1960s had they been exposed as slaves to the succor of the evil weed. Hopefully now that the record has been set staight the Beatles will be remembered as they should be - as nothing more than subliminal dope peddlers.
posted by Giblets at 1:53 PM
Sunday, June 6, 2004
So Belle Waring has asked an interestin question which happens to be "Blah blah cheesecake blah? Blah cheesecake pie blah blah." Many pie scholars have debated the role of the cheesecake for some time now and it is long past time that we here at Fafblog confronted this thorny and controversial issue.
Look at this cheesecake. It is tasty and delicious. It is oozing with goopy fruit. Its crust is strong but yielding. Its filling is firm but succulent. One bite and we say "Is this not a pie?"
"No!" say the bearded city fathers and protectors of tradition. They point to its crumbliness and its lack of a top crust and they say this is no pie, if we let this be a pie we could let anything be a pie, we could let cakes and sandwiches and horses be pies, and a horse pie is undecent and violates the law of pie.
But such strict pie constructionists are so wound up in the law of pie that they have forgotten what it means to be a pie. Look to the cheesecake. Poke it, does it not yield tasty filling? Prick it, does it not bleed sweet fruit? Eat it, is it not delicious? The spirit of pie is a warm and welcoming one. It envelopes all within its toasty flaky crust. And so it welcomes the cheesecake within itself - as should we all. As should we all.
PS - Happy late birthday to Belle Waring! May it be (or have been) as warm and welcoming as a pie. Happy birthday also to Laura, whose birthday was on the same day. We didn't give Laura nothin. We are sorry Laura! We are hopelessly oblivious Fafnirs and Gibletses. Please forgive us.
posted by fafnir at 6:57 PM
"Ready to fight the Germans Giblets," I says to Giblets.
"Oh you better believe it," says Giblets.
"Oh those Germans better get ready for Fafnir and Giblets," I says.
"For ol Faf and Gibs of the 171st armored balloon division," says Giblets.
"And a proud balloon she is," I says.
"The Germans won't know she is coming," says Giblets.
"Unless they look up above the horizon," I says.
"Which seems unlikely because how often do Germans do that," says Giblets.
"Once a month to coincide with the full moon, or during matin rituals, I read," I says.
"A strange people those Germans," says Giblets.
"Wait do those Germans have guns?" I says.
"Holy crap nobody said anythin about guns!" says Giblets.
"What are they doing with guns! They could hurt people or even pop our balloon!" I says.
"Run away!" says Giblets and we did.
We spent the rest of the war posin as cabaret singers in a French production of "No No Nanette." It ran for three years to terrific reviews!
posted by fafnir at 10:17 AM
On Saturday afternoon, Ronald Wilson Reagan ascended bodily into heaven. Long may he be remembered, for single-handedly destroying the Soviet Union as it was poised to conquer the free world; for rising up in the form of a winged dragon and breathing the pestilence of AIDS forth upon the American continent; for his courage in providing arms to the people of Iraq, Iran, and Central America to defend themselves against the dark threats lurking in Iraq, Iran, and Central America; for his stunning tax reforms, which made jewel-bedecked sultans of the poorest paupers in the land; for his recklessly and disastrously bringing the world to the brink of global nuclear annihilation while following the dark whims of Biblical prophecy and astrological portents; and most of all, for coming to represent all our preconceptions of what America should and shouldn't be.
Was Ronald Reagan the best president? No, nor was he the worst. But the important thing is that now, long after his passing, he can be idealized, transformed and transfigured by time and ideology into a symbol of everything we desire or loathe in America, so that Ronald Reagan the man is utterly erased and replaced with Ronald Reagan the Icon, a convenient projection of our most feverish motivations in animatronic Hall-of-Presidents form.
When we keep our leaders larger than life, they become larger than our ability to rationally discuss them. We apply wondrous sobriquets, classifying the giants of the Oval Office with Catholic precision, making saints and Mysteries of men. Who can question the fighting spirit of the Happy Warrior, or the resilience of the Comeback Kid? The very invocation of their names becomes a sacrament or blasphemy, and as long as we keep their memories blown wildly out of proportion, we'll never have to confront them.
And how much more comfortable that is for us. The danger of Reagan the man, after all, is that we might learn from him. The man was real - a flesh and blood president whose triumphs and failings might lead us to question our own preconceptions. Reagan the Icon exists only in our mind, a creature of our prejudices and ideologies - a figure from unhistory who threatens to teach us nothing.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:29 AM
Friday, June 4, 2004
Giblets has finally seen The Day After Tomorrow, and he has to say, boy, am I relieved! Giblets was worried that this "global warming" thing might be real for a while there but clearly it is some sensationalistic crazy Hollywood thing, like UFOs, Bigfoot, and the Holocaust.
Polar ice caps melting? New York City slowly falling under an interminably rising tide? Giblets does not think so! Not when the CG effects on those giant tornados are so obvious. Giblets does not believe in the future extinction of thousands of plants and animal species, any more than he believes that Dennis Quaid can walk a glacier in a blizzard for two days and live!
So out with the coal and greenhouse gases! Giblets has fossil fuels to burn and internal combustion engines to run in a consequence-free environment! Two percent of climatologists can't be wrong!
posted by Giblets at 5:37 PM
Yknow just when I was gettin down on this whole "war of choice turned into horribly failed state" thing, it is nice to see a new perspective that can cheer me up. Thinking man's blogger Andrew Sullivan astutely points out that the military in Iraq see the takeover of Fallujah by crazy fundamentalists as a positive thing:
Since we have stayed out of Falluja and focused elsewhere, the mujahadeen have had their run of the town. As they have had no one to fight, they have turned their criminal instincts on the citizens...Andrew Sullivan says "Because of men like this - and my gut belief that people anywhere will choose freedom over slavery, given a real chance - I'm still a proud supporter of this war and an optimist about its future."
Wow - leavin Iraqis to themselves to figure out Iraq! That really is an inspirin way to look at a justification for invasion, Andrew Sullivan. I too am still a proud supporter of this war.
posted by fafnir at 4:17 PM
Well I am back early from writin my novel. I had to come back early for many reasons not the least of which has been the sudden incapacitation of Giblets who is lyin bloated and pained in the livin room after drinking six gallons of V8. Oh Giblets! Cant I leave you alone for just one day? "Do not look at me," Giblets moans sadly. "I was once like you."
But Giblets is not the only one who is in pain. So is my novel, an so is Ahmed Chalabi, a fine gentleman of Iraqi con man descent whom I have known and trusted for some time now. I first met Mr Chalabi yesterday when I began work on my thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, "The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea." Ahmed offered to be my literary agent an said he could get me a great distribution deal in Iraq.
"Do you really think Iraqis will like my whaling epic Ahmed?" I asked Ahmed.
"Yes, it will be easy," said Ahmed, "And it will be greeted as a best-seller."
Ahmed's fee of $355,000 a month was a little steep but Ahmed knew all these great connections that would get my book to sell so it was really worth it! Chris kept sayin "No don't trust him he steals money from banks" but Chris is just a pro-Baathist lackey. Plus he is just jealous of my awesome whaling epic.
But when the books hit the shelves yesterday afternoon they were met with a lot of skepticism and resistance. I just don't understand it! Ahmed told me Iraqis love whaling books. And now I hear he is under suspicion for plagiarizing my book and giving it to the Iranians! I was crushed until Christopher Hitchens explained it all to me last night over a couple bottles of wine. Now I feel a lot better.
But what if with all our investigating Ahmed Chalabi for spying, and for stealing stuff, and lying to people, we hurt his feelings? What if we have driven him away in our foolish foolish pride?
Ahmed come back! We cant succeed in our critical whaling-epic project without you! Come back, Ahmed! Come back!
posted by fafnir at 2:50 PM
Thursday, June 3, 2004
Giblets is angry! But why is Giblets angry? Is he really mad at all those things outside himself in the world, like hippies and bugs and lack of riches and babies? Or is he mad at something else? Maybe he is mad at something inside. Maybe he is mad at something somehow within Giblets, something that has picked at him sadly ever since he was a little Giblets.
Maybe all Giblets wants is to love and to be loved. Maybe Giblets needs to learn to love himself.
Maybe the only one Giblets really wants to bow before Giblets... is Giblets.
Bah! Wistfulness makes Giblets angry! A thousand poxes upon you all for watching Giblets's wistfulness! Martial law is imposed! Tariffs and taxes on everything! All fruit is banned! Giblets is angry! So, so angry!
posted by Giblets at 11:06 PM
Giblets is angry! There is a bug here on the carpet and Giblets has been trying to squash it and it keeps getting back up! This bug defies death! What unholy force animates you, bug? What dark power moves your undead bug-limbs? Your continued existence makes Giblets so angry!
Why must bugs exist? Earlier today Giblets was spraying all the bugs on his porch with bugspray but they just keep coming! Giblets has run out of bugspray and needs to buy more! Fafnir says "Oh the bugspray is bad for the environment" oh well excuse me environment but you made bugs and you enrage Giblets! The environment has made Giblets angry! I hope you get climate change and die!
And the heat! And the itching! And the noise! And the silence! And the light! And the sun! And rain! And fibers and plastics and infants and moving things and air!
posted by Giblets at 10:23 PM
Giblets is angry! Where is his monkey? Not the dancing monkey or the juggling monkey, the violin-playing monkey! Its violin is right here and it should have a monkey attatched to it! Giblets paid good money for that monkey and he will be entertained by it if it is the last thing that monkey does! Bring him that monkey!
And another thing - where is my cocoa? Yes Giblets has a mug of cocoa right here but this is Nesquick cocoa, not Swiss Miss cocoa! Giblets will only drink Swiss Miss cocoa, and then only Swiss Miss French Chocolate cocoa. You are trying to pawn off your cheap crappy knock-off cocoa onto Giblets! Giblets will not stand for it! Bring me my cocoa!
And where are my slaves? Thirteenth Amendment nothing, Giblets demands slaves! Slaves and concubines for Giblets! This is like the sixth or seventh time this week I have asked for slaves and monkeys and concubines and they have been tardy in their arrival! Giblets will tolerate this no longer! Bring Giblets his slaves!
After all Giblets has done for you there is not much Giblets asks for in return, and that is a monkey. And cocoa and slaves and concubines. And drugs. And a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. A monkey and cocoa and slaves and concubines and drugs and a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. And he cannot even get that! Bring me my monkey! Bring me my monkey now!
posted by Giblets at 9:47 PM
Not only has John Kerry issued a swift and strong response to the booting of George Tenet, but he prominently displayed the link to it on his website in what appears to be 6-point-font under the "News" tab in the upper-right-hand corner. Giblets may not like John Kerry, but he must grudgingly appreciate the slick campaign style and bold positions on foreign policy that have helped him energize the base and justify his clean sweep in the Democratic primaries.
Giblets was also blown away by Kerry's latest ad in which he proposes to build a stronger, bolder foreign policy made entirely of smiling, grizzled veterans and starry-eyed blonde children. Very intriguing, Senator! Giblets presumes they are to be fed as fuel into some brilliantly-conceived veteran-and-child-powered foreign policy engine? Keep up with ideas like this and Giblets would almost consider voting for you - if Giblets believed in voting.
posted by Giblets at 9:00 PM
Giblets is angry! Giblets is outraged at the firing at George Tenet! Personal reasons, Giblets's magnificent ass! And Giblets and his ass are apalled at the firing of George Tenet - an indeed strong and superb and resolute and kind-of-servant-you-like-to-work-with Director of Central Intelligence! More importantly, he was OUR Director of Central Intelligence, the SAME Director of Central Intelligence, and by changing leaders now we have sent our country's leadership into unsteady waters.
What this country needs is steady leadership in times of change. Not intelligent leadership, not correct leadership, but steady leadership. Steadiness. Resolve. The resolve to keep doing what you are already doing, even if it is hopelessly boneheaded and wrong. In the face of such resolve, the terrorists will be cowed, fleeing into their terrorist hidey-holes, terrified by the tenacity of an opponent so fiercely determined to keep losing to them in the exact same way.
But if we fire incompetant officials, we are not using steady leadership. We are attempting to "correct" our leadership. We are not staying the course. We are suggesting that there is some better course. Well Giblets for one is quite happy with this course! He knows it quite well and if it happens to veer into that ravine, he will be the first to inform you that his course is getting us to the bottom of the ravine swifter and surer than any other course out there! What's your problem? Are you a ravine-hater? Are you objectively anti-ravine?
Giblets would also like to remind everyone who is gloating over the dismissal of the strong, resolute, and strong Director Tenet that this dismissal is most likely being celebrated by our terrorist enemies. Now that they know that things like terrorist attacks and guerilla bombings and wildly inaccurate prewar intelligence can bring down one of our nation's top terror-fighters, they will now act with more fervor against America, in an attempt to control the selection of our appointed officials. The firing of an inept cabinet official is a firing for terror.
posted by Giblets at 6:12 PM
Giblets is angry! He is angered by cartoonish caricatures of "evil corporations" as oil-swilling people-crushing money-slurping soulless monsters who squeeze little old grandmas and eat the bones of the working man for breakfast. That is crazy left-wing Chomskyite talk which has no place in our sensible new world. So you can see how Giblets was outraged by the tapes released this week of Enron employees-slash-gangstas engineering the California energy crisis:
"He just f---s California," says one Enron employee. "He steals money from California to the tune of about a million."Add to that the internal Pentagon email that suggests that Halliburton's Iraq contract was "coordinated" with Dick Cheney's office and it is becoming clear that Reality itself is becoming some kind of crazed commie. I mean, the Vice President pulling strings to get his oil buddies contracts for postwar reconstruction AND a giant energy conglomerate deliberately sabotaging a state's economy just to get richer? Come on, Universe. Giblets did not believe these kinds of paranoid fantasies when they were coming from Ralph Nader and he does not believe them coming from you.
It just pisses Giblets off that God and Truth have become flaming socialists. But it figures - it's what they're teaching 'em at those lefty schools these days.
posted by Giblets at 3:15 PM
"Gibleeeeets," Fafnir says to me this morning "I need you to take over the Faaaaaafblooooog."
"I will do it!" says me, Giblets. "It is mine! It is Giblets's! It is Giblog!"
"I must work on my one-thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, 'The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea,'" says Fafnir.
"It is mine!" says me, Giblets. "It is all mine! Every word and letter and syllable! Every hyperlink and punctuation mark! Every comment is Giblets's!"
"It is about whales and whaling and the sea," says Fafnir. "The first half is narrated by the whale. The second half is narrated by the sea. The third half is narrated by a Falknerian idiot man-child."
"Nothing will ever wrest it away from the mighty fist of Giblets!" says Giblets. "No power on earth or in heaven! No fire or scourge of the gods! All will be laid low by my Gibletsian blogocracy!"
"The character of the sea talks entirely in capitals," says Fafnir, "and in big 'WHOOSH' noises."
"Bow before Giblets, Fafblog!" says Giblets. "Bow before Giblets FOREVER!"
"WHOOSH," says Fafnir. "WHOOSH."
posted by Giblets at 11:46 AM
Wednesday, June 2, 2004
Some an Giblets were playin our newest favorite game "Grapefruits and Keyboards" when suddenly and for no particular reason the keyboard stopped working.
"Huh," says me. "You think grapefruits are bad for keyboards?"
"Impossible!" says Giblets. "Grapefruits are good for everyone! Think of the vitamin C."
"Very true," says me. "We should put more grapefruit on it an see if it gets any better."
So naturally we spent the next hour or so poundin grapefruits into the thing but it was funny! After a while the keyboard got even more broken and a loud regular beeping started comin out of the computer!
"Oh no!" says me. "It is a bomb, in our very own PC!"
"It is the terrorists!" says Giblets. "And you doubted the efficacy of the Terror Alert System!"
"I'm sorry Tom Ridge!" says me. "Take pity on this poor penitent Fafnir!"
"Run away!" says Giblets, and we do, into the Outside.
So there we are for most of Sunday and all of Monday, sittin Outside, waitin for Chris to get back an fix our keyboard and defuse the bomb.
"But who will Fafblog?" says me.
"Maybe the Medium Lobster can do it," says Giblets.
"The Medium Lobster is busy, at the symposium," says me. "At the symposium of higher beings."
"I wish we could goto the symposium of higher beings," says Giblets.
"But we cannot," says me, "because we are lesser beings." And we sigh.
Later we get hungry and order a pizza but when it comes we do not have enough money and can only afford the garlic stix.
posted by fafnir at 3:06 PM