Monday, December 20, 2004
Chain of Command. What will the next leap forward in American human rights be? Equal rights for gay Americans? Universal health care? Or maybe it'll be the casual acceptance of torture as a tool of the state! The possibilities are endless. Either Seymour Hersh has gone crazy and made up his sources, or the hideous abuses of Abu Ghraib have become policy handed down from the highest levels of our government. Hooray for us Merry Christmas!
The Dead Father. It's not just that God is dead, it's that he won't go away. He keeps buggin you, askin for stuff, tellin you about all the things he used to do back in his big ol God days. "Oh I created the heavens an the earth." "Oh I can move on the face a the waters." "Well big fat deal God nobody wants to hear your ol God stories!" God is also your father but backwards an different. You will miss him very much in the end.
The Adventures of Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey. A sock monkey and his stuffed crow companion discover a pathway to Heaven, sail to distant lands, and attempt to unravel the secret of flight. They are not just stuffed animals. They are adventurers, transcending the limitations of cloth and stitch to embrace the life of the mind! This is the greatest work of comic book art known to man. Also recommended are the followups, The Collected Works of Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey and Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey: Uncle Gabby.
posted by fafnir at 5:11 PM
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Giblets craves the rich creamy taste of delicious egg nog. He dispatches his monkey to fetch it for him!
"Monkey!" says Giblets. "Bring Giblets his nog and you shall be greatly rewarded!" The monkey leaps off with the ooking and the bananaing. Giblets restrains his enthusiasm for the monkey given its previous poor work performance but there it is a few moments later with a tall cool glass of fresh nog! Yes, excellent work monkey! You are indeed a worthy servant of Giblets! Mmmm tasty EYYAACH what treachery is THIS!
"This is not egg nog!" says Giblets. "This is some foul pseudo-nog!"
"We're outta egg nog," says Fafnir. "But we have lotsa nutritious soy nog."
"Bhahe! Nog does not come from soy!" says Giblets.
"Soy is good for you," says Fafnir. "It builds strong soy glands!"
Giblets is dissatisfied.
posted by Giblets at 6:46 PM
2004 was the year of a head of cabbage! Its bold decisive leadership affected everything from the war in Iraq to the can-do inertia of the presidential election.
A head of cabbage always offered us steady leadership in times of change. When we wonder "what's goin on in this crazy world I do not understand" there's a head a cabbage bein a head a cabbage! Its reassuring vegetableness, its green leafiness, the way it looked natural on a farm, spoke to our deep cabbagey values. And it knew how to stick to its guns! When its critics complained that it was a bad cabbage or that it had food poisoning or that it had pointlessly launched the military into a nightmarish, unjustified quagmire, it knew just what to do: keep sittin there bein a cabbage.
Bein a cabbage, a head of cabbage isn't that smart. But it also knows that it's not that smart and listens to other the other cabbages around it which makes it an excellent cabbage manager! Some people say a buncha cabbages will just keep makin stupid mistakes, but the important thing is they will never admit them.
Most important, a head of cabbage has inspired millions with its deep cabbage values. We are more cabbagey as a nation because of a head of cabbage, and with its help we can aspire to higher and higher levels of vegetative wonder. A head of cabbage is Fafblog's Man of the Year.
posted by fafnir at 3:55 PM
Every day throughout America - particularly on cable television America - appeals are made to ordinary mainstream Americans. Just last week Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, in an excursion into the heady exotic realm of Scarborough Country, proudly announced his claim to traditional mainstream values shortly after denouncing Hollywood as a den of iniquity controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity and love anal sex.
Everyone wants to be an Ordinary Mainstream American. But are you? How can you know? Sadly, not everyone is as gifted or as knowledgeable as Reverend Donohue or the Medium Lobster. And thus, in the spirit of the Christmas season - the time of giving, after all - the Medium Lobster gives you the following Test of the Mainstream. Answer the questions, score the points along the side accordingly, add up the total, and punch yourself repeatedly in the face. If you emerge swollen, bloody, yet filled with a strange sense of vindication, congratulations.
1. Are every bit as American as heterosexuals and fully deserve watered-down versions of our human rights.
2. Are entertaining, neutered, and on the other side of my TV.
3. Are going to Hell for the sin of Ickiness.
4. Are the product of Martian-human intermarriage and possess dangerous telepathic abilities.
Birth rates are:
1. Too high; other people should stop having children.
2. Too high; my political opponents should stop having children.
3. Too low; we'll never catch up to the Third World at this rate.
4. Too low; field mice alone have far outstripped us, to say nothing of bacteria.
1. Are colorful cartoon characters easily marketed to children.
2. Coexisted with humans, as evidenced by The Flinstones and Land of the Lost.
3. Were planted in the fossil record by a whimsical trickster god.
4. Were destroyed centuries ago by the mighty robots who assembled us, as is sung in the Cycles of Iron.
1. Are an essential tool for killing things.
2. Are an essential tool for the home which also happens to kill things.
3. Are what Jesus would've given the meek to take back the earth.
4. Are good. The gun kills men. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seed.
1. Mostly happens on the internet.
2. Is dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... but that makes me dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it...
3. Is a foul and terrible abomination of all that is holy until a priest/judge/clerk/pirate captain puts a ring on my finger and tells me otherwise.
4. Does not exist. Humans reproduce through budding.
1. Wants me to watch shitty movies.
2. Wants me to oppose the Iraq War because of Martin Sheen; wants me to vote for actors who supported the Iraq War like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
3. Wants me to have gay sex.
4. Wants me to have gay sex with Martin Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The end of the world:
1. Will be slower and more painful than I can possibly imagine.
2. Will be a vast disappointment.
3. Must be hastened by strict adherence to a collection of ancient inscrutable animal prophecies.
4. Has already happened.
Labels: real america
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:11 PM
Saturday, December 18, 2004
There's only six more shopping days till Christmas an you know what that means! It means you still have shopping left to do for your second-tier relatives, like Uncle Shmopey, an your uglier niece, an that ol guy in the back with the hook hand who's always goin on about how he got his hook hand that everybody always tries to avoid cause a his hook hand. But Christmas is expensive an while you have so much love to give at this point your love is gonna have to be considerably more value-priced.
That's why Fafblog's here with this handy shopping guide with ten sure-fire items to show the love and appreciation for your bargain bin loved ones!
posted by fafnir at 6:54 PM
Next week is Gibmas, the most sacred day of the year. The day when all Giblets-fearing Gibletsians - when EVERYONE! - must pay obeisance to Giblets and the glorious things he has done for them, such as overwhelming them with his resplendence and destroying their free will.1 But some people are spoiling Gibmas for everyone! They are Scrooging up Gibmas! They are the Grinches of Gibmas cheer!
The other day Giblets and the Giblets Players were going to perform a Gibmas pageant for a local school when some petty bureacrat stopped us because it was "politically incorrect!" And because it "endorsed fascism"! And because it "made children cry"! Well Giblets has taken a page out of the Mustang, Oklahoma playbook and denied eleven million dollars of funding to the school district. That'll show 'em for not enshrining Giblets's personal beliefs in a public school!
Yeah, they're all "but Giblets we need that money for a school to educate our children waaaah" Well the children can bite me! No puppet show, no teachers' salaries!
But Giblets's vengeance is not yet complete. There still exist others unpunished who have discriminated against Giblets, who have defied his mighty will, by refusing to purchase lemonade from him as a child - but Giblets is planning swift retribution! Enjoy your paved roads while you can, evildoers!
1. Oh, you don't believe Giblets has destroyed your free will, do you? Well, he made you read this footnote, didn't he?2
2. And this one!3
3. This one too!
posted by Giblets at 3:42 PM
Fafblog is proud to announce the sorta opening of the Fafshop! It is the whole world's only source for Fafshop. Sure other blogs have cheaply made merchandise too but do those pieces a cheap merchandise come with the Fafblog Four Cows Seal of Quality that guarantees you four cows of quality? Maybe.
The Fafshop has had a coupla setbacks unfortunately like a couple of the toys have been recalled. If you have already bought any of the followin Fafshop toys please return them to your nearest Fafshop as soon as possible.
Action Giblets with ReadyLaunch Rocket Due to a manufacturing glitch the warhead on Action Giblets's ReadyLaunch Rocket can go off early in its trajectory an injure children an noncombatants.
Fafnir's Explodeytime Village Playset! While very cute an colorful, the pieces that come with Fafnir's Explodeytime Village Playset! are very small an could be a choking hazard if swallowed by children under three. Also, it explodes.
Delicious Spinach! This was just a very boring toy. I'm not real sure why we decided to sell this.
Dr. Lobster's Real Live Poison Kit The edges on the box that Dr. Lobster's Real Live Poison Kit comes in are very sharp and could hurt your child.
We are sorry for everything.
posted by fafnir at 8:17 AM
Friday, December 17, 2004
Evil Emperor Ananab of the Bad Banana People has captured us an thrown us in his dungeon! His space dungeon!
"Hahaha!" says Evil Emperor Ananab. "Hohoho!"
"Oh you'll pay for this one Evil Emperor Ananab!" says Giblets.
"Yes," says me. "Evil never triumphs over good."
"Hohoho!" says Evil Emperor Ananab. "Hahaha!" An he turns on the deadly space ray what turns you into space!
"Oh no!" says Giblets. "There is no possible way to escape the deadly space ray what turns you into space!"
"Oh no how will we ever blog today in time!" says me.
We promise we will return later tonight with lots a toys an goodies from our sleigh but right now we gotta escape the clutches a evil.
posted by fafnir at 2:50 PM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
As everyone who has followed Giblets's 50-part series "Social Security: ARMAGEDDON!"1 knows, Social Security is going to EXPLODE! - MAYBE! - in FIFTY YEARS! - because it will run out of money, and the only thing to do is to borrow two trillion dollars from the Mystical Realm of Faerie to save us from going into debt.
But there may be another solution! Right now the usual bunch of whiners (old people, sick people, poor people - really, what do they do except whine?) are whining about Bush's plan to get rid of tax breaks for health insurance. This could be the Social Security solution we've all been waiting for! If thousands of companies get punished for giving their workers health insurance, well damn! Millions could end up LOSING their health insurance. And the less health coverage you have, the sicker you are, and the sicker you are, the faster you die, and the faster you die, the less Giblets has to pay for your stupid Social Security!
Between gutting health coverage and sending old people off to war, we've got a great start going putting a dent in American life expectancy. Right now it's somewhere around 77.2 years. That means 12.2 years where our parents and grandparents can leech off our hard-earned cash! If we work hard we can push that way lower - down to 75, 70 years, down to 68 and lower if we really work at it, and then we could just raise the retirement age and not have to worry about Social Security at all!
So there you have it. Giblets has solved all your fiscal problems at once! Social Security is saved! The budget is saved!2 More cannon fodder for Iraq! Three birds, one stone, everybody happy! Except for the dead people, and hey, Giblets doesn't hear them complainin'! You can thank Giblets anytime.
1. soon to be a major motion picture by Jerry Bruckheimer
2. at least until the tax cuts become permanent
posted by Giblets at 2:35 PM
So yesterday the missile defense system failed again. Now there’s a lotta negative nancies out there talkin about how our missile shield is a costly Cold War boondoggle that has wasted billions of dollars, alienated our allies and started a new and pointless arms race. But this kinda talk is very destructive an costly to our missiles, who love us an want to do the very best they can for us.
The first thing we should do is let our missile system know that mistakes aren’t bad, they’re just learning experiences. Kudos to Richard A. Lehner of the Missile Defense Agency for letting our missiles know that we learned “quite a bit” from the latest missile test. There you go missiles! We’ll do better next time. You might even get off the launching pad!
If we are negative towards our missile systems, callin em “failures” an “disasters” an tellin em we wish they’d never been funded, well that’ll just make things worse! We need to love an encourage our missiles. They need our help an support to learn an grow. With a few kind words an some hard work an another 4.8 billion dollars these plucky little can-do missiles should be able to take some serious steps toward self-improvement!
Oh I know what you’re thinkin. “Fafnir” you’re thinkin “we’ve already spent $80 billion on this and it’s gotten us nowhere.” Well you can’t just buy your missiles’ success yknow. You need to make it a personal investment. Read to your missiles. Ask em how they did at their test launch. Tuck them in at night. Make sure they know that you love them an support them no matter what. An make they know that it’s not their fault you broke up with your allies. Just tell em “Daddy an Europe still love you, they just aren’t committing troops together anymore.”
It’s never too late for a second chance with love. And if we don’t give that second chance to our missiles, who will we give it to?
posted by fafnir at 12:24 PM
"An then the Big Bad Antiochus Epiphanes came up to the SEVENTH little Maccabee's house, which was made a straw, an he said 'I'm gonna huff an I'm gonna puff an I'm gonna forcibly impose my cultural an religious norms on your house down!"
"Why didn't the little Maccabee just shoot im?" says Giblets.
"Cause he didn't have the magic candles," says me. "The EIGHTH little Maccabee had those an he lived in a house made a cheese but now you're rushin the story."
"This history lesson sounds suspiciously stupid!" says Giblets. "An besides why didn't you tell us about this yesterday while it was still Hanukkah?"
"Because Hanukkah is not a time for rememberin the history of stuff," says me. "It's a time for celebratin the delightfully expressive ambience of stuff! It is the feeeeestival of lights! Woooooo lights."
"It is the festival of lame!" says Giblets. "Enough of dreidels and chocolate coins and new socks! When does Giblets get to make a golem!"
"I dunno Giblets that's really more of a Passover thing," says me.
"Giblets needs his golem," says Giblets. "Giblets needs his earth-wrought unstoppable engine of destruction now!"
"Okay," says me. "But you have to play nice with it."
For those of you playin at home here's how YOU can make a golem! First make a big thing outta clay an earth which is but a shadow of the true glory that is divine creation. Then write the hidden name of God on its forehead an pronounce the secret invocation:
I had a little golem, I made it out of clay
And when it's dried and ready, Prague armies it will slay.
Golem, golem, golem, I made you out of clay.
Golem, golem, golem, with golem I will play.
posted by fafnir at 10:23 AM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
After years of losing the the battle for hearts and minds to the Islamist menace, leaders in the Pentagon are finally planning to fight back with a plan sure to win the trust and confidence of the Arab street: a massive propaganda campaign.
The notion of seeding foreign nations - enemy, neutral and allied alike - with misleading information and outright lies may appear unseemly, immoral, and unwise, especially given the possibility that such false information will be picked up by credulous American news outlets to misinform the domestic populace. But one must consider the vast forces arrayed against the United States: in Iraq alone, America faces electricity, oil, food, and medical shortages, overstretched and overworn troops, a population incensed at ongoing and systematic torture and abuse at the hands of American occupiers, an escalating insurgency energized rather than deflated by recent counterstrikes, and the inescapable tug of civil war. With the facts solidly turned against the war effort, the war effort's last option is to officially declare war on the facts.
Facts - and the transmission of facts - have consistently proven to be a deadly opponent in the global war on terror. When the Abu Ghraib scandal broke, it was photographic proof - indisputable, hard evidence - that outraged the Arab world and forced a stunned America to ask the question, "Why did they take those photos?" When a missile crashes into a marketplace in Baghdad, or a child picks up a cluster bomb, it is television cameras - often from the despicable al-Jazeera network - that record the aftermath. And it was evidence of weapons of mass destruction - more hard facts - that failed to show up when most desperately needed, that deserted the proud coalition as quickly and as fiercely as Jacques Chirac.
The solution is obvious: if facts will not join the fight in the war on terror, then America must supply its own facts. If reality will not aid the United States, then lies will. New, friendly, manufactured news will counteract old, natural news of brutal slaughter and human rights abuses, overtake them with superior counterfactual force, and terminate them with extreme prejudice to win the hearts and minds of Muslims everywhere.
A lesser nation would consider changing its more hideous policies to win over the rest of the world, but the Pentagon realizes that the better response is to simply lie to it. The Bush Administration has successfully used this policy on America for the last four years, and the country, the Medium Lobster is told, is safer than ever.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:09 PM
So I was out walkin the dog this mornin when I run into the president. "Hey Mr. President what's up," says me. "Fafnir, I am proud to award you this Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian honor our nation can bestow," says President Bush. "Well gee thanks," says me. "But what for?" "For not fucking up the postwar planning, for not presiding over the disintegration of the Iraqi occupation, and for not hawking crap information to sell a war right after dropping the ball on the greatest intelligence failure in American history," says President Bush. "Well thanks!" says me. "Can my dog have one too?" "Hell, why not?" says the president. "We got like a truckload a these things." When I get home I chuck it in the ol trunk along with my Congressional Medals of Honor an my Nobel Prize.
posted by fafnir at 11:16 AM
So William Rehnquist is gonna die and everybody's all hot and bothered about who's gonna replace him. Well boo hoo hoo! What's in it for Giblets? Nothin', that's what, because the liberal Washington estalishment won't let Giblets be appointed to the Supreme Court. And why not? Because they are racists.
Whenever there's talk of a Giblets appointment or a Giblets presidency or Giblets as Lord High Autarch there are Democrats to oppose it. Coincidence? Or a deep racial loathing of Giblets! Oh Giblets has heard all the petty little complaints - "Oh, Giblets is too extreme!" "Oh, Giblets is a dangerously unqualified hack!" "Oh, Giblets believes the Constitution grants the executive branch the authority to deny due process at will!" - but they are all filthy excuses to cover up the deep racial prejudice in the American left! This should surprise no one as the left has always been trying to oppress Giblets's people* for decades by opposing things like segregation and the poll tax.
The tragedy is that Giblets would make the greatest Chief Justice ever because he understands that our rights do not come from laws. They come from a Higher Authority: namely, Giblets, and whatever crackpot idea has currently come into Giblets's head. It was ALWAYS the intention of the Founding Fathers to allow the use thumbscrews on teenage pot smokers! A smudge on the Federalist Papers screams out for the application of capital punishment as a deterrent to internet piracy! Blackstone wants your blood and he wants it now, NOW, NOW!
posted by Giblets at 9:45 AM
Monday, December 13, 2004
There's only twelve more shoppin days till Christmas an you know what that means! It means Santa's already outside our house tryin to eat me.
"Ho ho ho!" says Santa. "Now, now, Fafnir, be a good little boy and let Santa in! He has so many presents to give you!"
"Oh no Santa you're not gettin in that easy," says me. "You don't wanna really gimme presents. You just wanna eat me."
"Wait a second," says Giblets. "What kinda presents we talkin about here?"
"Because you were an extra good little Giblets this year, Santa brought you everything on your Christmas list!" says Santa. "Now who wants to open up the door and let Santa in?"
"Oooh! Oooh! Me me me!" says Giblets. "I wanna bicycle, an a train set, and a massively overpriced anti-ballistic missile system, an a Giblosapien!"
"Giblets it's a trap!" says me. "Santa's just tryin to lure us outside so he can temporarily sate his unholy appetite for Fafnirs an Gibletses!"
"But... but a Giblosapien!" says Giblets. "It's a high-tech robot toy Giblets that bosses you around and makes you buy more robot toy Gibletses! And I need it!"
"We can make a pretend Giblosapien for you," says me. "With the unbridled power of imagination!"
"Imagination is futile!" says Giblets. "Reading Rainbow told me my imagination could take me anywhere but when Giblets's plane crashed in the Andes his powers of psychokinetic teleportation were useless! He had to eat three soccer teams to survive! Giblets blames you for his taste for human flesh, Levar Burton!"
"Did you know he ate Maya Angelou on the set of Roots?" says me.
"An she was never heard from again," says Giblets.
"Ho ho ho! Merry Kwanzaa!" says Santa. "It's me, the Kwanzaa Fairy, here to bring you delicious egg nog and Kwanzaa presents, if you'll just open the door!"
"Yeeees! Delicious Kwanzaa!" says Giblets.
"Wait just a second," says me. "How do we know you're the REAL Kwanzaa Fairy an not somebody else? Tell us somethin only the Kwanzaa Fairy could know."
"Yeah," says Giblets. "Like why do we celebrate Kwanzaa?"
"To celebrate the day when... baby Kwanzaa was born?" says Santa.
"No that's wrong and a lie!" says me. "Baby Kwanzaa was most likely born in early September in the first century CE but we celebrate it on December 26th because it replaced the pagan festival of Neptunitis. You're not the Kwanzaa Fairy at all you're Santa still tryin to eat us!"
"Hellfire and damnation!" says Santa. "I hunger! I HUNGER!"
"Do you really have Kwanzaa presents though?" says Giblets.
"Um... yes?" says Santa.
"Well come on in!" says me. "Have some milk an cookies. Wait! No!"
"A pox upon your blood!" says Santa.
"I hate Christmas," says Giblets.
posted by fafnir at 7:29 AM
Friday, December 10, 2004
It's time for another edition of Recrimination 2004, in which the Medium Lobster peers through the swirling clouds of his crystal ball to help his friends in the Democratic Party understand exactly what cost them the presidency this year. In past editions we learned that the party's failure was the fault of gays, latinos, John Kerry, Karl Rove, and the rising of the moon in Gemini (Kerry, of course, is a Sagittarius). But this week the Medium Lobster lays the blame for Democratic defeat where it truly belongs: Michael Moore.
A commanding, political powerhouse since his emergence from the smoky backroom machinations of the Toronto Film Festival, Moore has dominated Democratic politics for over a decade, wielding the sheer power of his sporadic documentaries to bend the Democratic Party to the far left. His opposition to the war in Afghanistan caused a fractious rift in the Democratic party, swinging to his side such critical party leaders as Dennis Kucinich and that guy on Telegraph Ave with the "STOP NATO BEFORE IT KILLS AGAIN" sign, and his later radical antiwar stance on Iraq would tarnish the Democratic Party forever in the eyes of the shrinking minority that still views the invasion as legitimate. Indeed, Moore's pacifism tarred the Democratic Party so badly that John Kerry came dangerously close to being viewed as a clear and obvious alternative to George Bush's foreign policy. Fortunately, Kerry managed to dispel this myth in time with a series of muddled and poorly-worded policy statements.
Alas, Moore's prominence and power in the party - from his keynote address at the convention to his co-sponsorship of the much-derided Moore-Fonda Squishy Peacenik Act - would prove too much for Kerry, tainting the whole party as the kind of weak, sputtering pacifists who would never have the guts to invade the wrong country and bog the United States down in a massive quagmire of Vietnamese proportions. Together with MoveOn.org, who virtually crippled Democrats by raising money and running television and print advertisements for them, Moore cast the whole of the Democratic Party in his leftist light... and in doing so, doomed it.
There's still hope. Democrats can "purge" these noxious influences within their party by loudly calling attention to them by nervously denouncing them as often as possible. Only then will the Democratic mainstream be able to firmly emulate its pro-war successes, like Joe Lieberman and Dick Gephardt.
Next week: Who could be responsible for the repeated failure of Democratic strategy... Democratic strategists, or mischievous gremlins? The Medium Lobster will tell you all about your fiendish pixie adversaries in just one week.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:59 PM
The other day Giblets was putting up a simple Gibmas display in his town square like he does every year when a bunch of whiney whiners showed up to whine. “Oh why are you imposing your religious Gibletsness on us” and “oh where are we going to put our Christmas and Channukah decorations” and “oh why are you forcing our children to polish that sixty foot tall bronze statue of Giblets.” And all this after Giblets scaled the statue down from the two hundred foot model!
Nobody cares about the true meaning of Gibmas anymore, and do you know why? Because of a lack of spiritual dedication. A lack of spiritual dedication to Giblets. Gibmas used to be a time for Americans to put aside worldly concerns and remember what really mattered to them: their wills being crushed beneath the dictatorial whims of Giblets! But now it’s all about commercialism and materialism and loving your family. Well where is the love for Giblets? And the fear for Giblets? And the money and presents and food for Giblets?
It is all part of the decline and decay of our modern culture. These days our country has fallen so far from its original Judeo-Christo-Gibletsian values Giblets does not even recognize it. Forced Giblets-worship is forbidden in public schools. The One Commandment ("Bow Before Giblets!") is not allowed in courtrooms, much less the Other Commandments ("Dance For Giblets!", "Juggle Things For Giblets!", "Do Giblets's Laundry!", "Tell Giblets a Story!" and "Hug Giblets, He Is Scared And Lonely"). Why in some places it is not even legal to be enslaved to Giblets anymore. Giblets has been chased from the public sphere, and Gibmas has become just another day where you flog your children with candy canes before eating expensive electronics.
Well Giblets is tired of this commercialized holiday! He’s tired of people who don’t know what Gibmas is all about! Is there anybody here who can tell me what Gibmas is all about?
posted by Giblets at 2:39 PM
Thursday, December 9, 2004
Every now and then Giblets will go outside on a cloudless winter night and gaze into the starry heavens and think about the vastness of space and wonder: is it possible to blow up stuff up there?
It looks like Giblets's question may be answered with the intelligence reform bill, which might have set aside huge gobs of money to arm spy satellites. Now, Giblets knows what you're thinking. You're thinking "won't people be upset that we are floating spy satellites with weapons on them over their countries," well Giblets has two responses to that. One, Giblets doesn't care about those other countries. He's never been to most of them and as of a year or so ago he's decided staying here forever is probably a good idea. Two, we are not putting weapons on our satellites to threaten other countries (although that would kick ass). We are putting weapons on our satellites to protect our satellites. Y'know. From space terrorists.
If there's anything the terrorists want to blow up, it's stuff in space. Because the terrorists hate Freedom and you can't get any freer than when you're in space. Giblets assumes the terrorists would attack our satellites by launching their own evil terrorist space shuttle armed with missiles and deadly terrorist lasers, like in that old episode of GI Joe. Also terrorists might decide to take over an island using robot dinosaurs, or clone a "super-terrorist emperor" from the genetic material of dead terrorists.
Of course some party-poopers are saying this is a stupid, bad, wasteful idea. Giblets doesn't have time for that kinda pre-9/11 mindset! We're at war with terrorists - terrorists who may already have rocket technology, who may already be putting their first man in space, who may beat us to the moon! - and if we don't put missiles on satellites they will! If you outlaw Cold War-style orbital space weapons only the outlaws will have Cold War-style orbital space weapons.
posted by Giblets at 1:58 AM
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
Giblets sits atop his war-elephant waiting to sweep down upon Rome! Soon it will lie in rubble and be added to Giblets’s treasure trove of conquered lands and all will hail the magnificent resplendence of the wonder of Giblets!
Giblets gives the attack command to his elephant! “Elephant!” says Giblets. “Seize Rome for Giblets! Seize Rome for Giblets NOW!” The elephant makes squeaky elephant noises. Excellent elephant! When Giblets seizes Rome he will give you something special like a Colosseum or a Pope!
Giblets’s elephant remains motionless. Insolent elephant! What is wrong with you!
“Well he’s a hamster,” says Fafnir. “He’s probably not used to bein an elephant.”
“Don’t make excuses for the elephant!” says Giblets. “He is an even bigger disappointment than the monkey!”
“Squeak,” says the hamsterphant.
“What kind of Rome is this anyway!” says Giblets. “It doesn’t even have a Pantheon!”
“I didn’t know how to get to Rome so we’re in the spaghetti aisle instead,” says Fafnir. “We can get some spaghetti an pretend it’s Rome!”
“But! Ghahe! But it’s!” says Giblets. “But that’s lame!”
“Can you move please?” says some lady with a shopping cart. “You’re blocking the way.”
“Sorry ma’am,” says Fafnir.
Giblets is dissatisfied.
posted by Giblets at 8:58 PM
Of late the Medium Lobster has heard many complaints, from the usual leftist quarters, regarding the Bush Administration’s retention of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. Few outside the White House have truly appreciated the hard work Secretary Rumsfeld has put into transforming America’s military, turning it from a large, cumbersome force slowly bogging itself down in one war after another, to a lighter, faster, smaller, more flammable army capable of losing numerous conflicts simultaneously.
As Rumsfeld pointed out today to a group of sadly uninformed American troops, traditional concepts such as “armor” have become obsolete in today’s new and challenging world: "You can have all the armor in the world on a tank and a tank can be blown up. And you can have an up-armored Humvee and it can be blown up." The military of the future can’t afford to waste money armoring vehicles that can eventually be blown up, shot up, or gradually broken down by the steady process of natural erosion. That thinking belongs to Old Military – a disdainful, backwards approach to warfare that the United States must cast off in order to succeed across the globe. No, America must turn to the bold, fresh, emerging ideas of New Military, replacing bulky, expensive armor plating with lighter, more efficient designs: papier mache Humvees, chicken wire bombers carrying Styrofoam payloads, folded origami troop transports, and for heavy-duty combat, tanks made entirely of blown glass.
The advantages of such a revolution in military technology and logistics should be apparent to all: a faster, more flexible, lightweight military capable of winning wars fast and losing postwar-occupations even faster, allowing for speedy retreat and redeployment to another invasion. Indeed, with Donald Rumsfeld’s New Military, the United States could soon be losing up to three or four wars at once across the globe, failing at its objectives at a record pace. In these new and dangerous times, we can ask no less.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:05 PM
Monday, December 6, 2004
The Medium Lobster is proud to welcome another enlightened being, Richard Posner, into the world of internet discourse. Today Judge Posner favors readers with a discussion on preventive war, and how to justify such a war in the absence of any imminent threat:
But what if the danger of attack is remote rather than imminent? Should imminence be an absolute condition of going to war, and preventive war thus be deemed always and everywhere wrong? Analytically, the answer is no. A rational decision to go to war should be based on a comparison of the costs and benefits (in the largest sense of these terms) to the nation. The benefits are the costs that the enemy’s attack, the attack that going to war now will thwart, will impose on the nation. ...Ah, but why keep things in the abstract, Judge Posner? The Medium Lobster has a more concrete example to illustrate your point: a preventive attack on the moon.
Once again, the probability of an attack from the moon is less than one - indeed, it is miniscule. However, the potential offensive capabilities of a possible moon man invasion could be theoretically staggering. Indeed, there is a distinct, if remarkably slim, chance that a hostile moon man civilization is currently in possession of a Death Star capable of destroying Planet Earth in a single shot. The Medium Lobster has calculated this probability to be 5x10-9. Nevertheless, should this weapon exist and be used against the earth, the resulting costs would include the end of civilization, the extinction of the human race, the eradication of all terrestrial life, the physical obliteration of the planet, and the widespread pollution of the solar system with a mass of potentially radioactive space debris. The Medium Lobster conservatively values these costs at 3x1012, bringing the expected cost of the moon man attack on earth to 1500 (5x10-9 x 3x1012), a truly massive sum. Even after factoring in the cost of exhausting earth's nuclear stockpile and the ensuing rain of moon wreckage upon the earth (200 and 800, respectively), the numbers simply don't lie: our one rational course of action is to preventively annihilate the moon.
In the coming days there will be many discussions about strategy and tactics, about how large a coalition is necessary. But for anyone truly serious about planetary security, the question is how, not if. In the meantime, the Medium Lobster must appear before the United Nations Security Council and inform the member nations of the tiny but distinct possibility that Iran has been secretly harboring Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:01 PM
It's time for another edition of Fafblog's "Fafblog Economy Watch!", which will make I think our second edition of "Fafblog Economy Watch!" Our first edition was on the weak dollar and had some handy tips. Today we're gonna talk to you about the national debt!
The national debt has been gettin bigger an bigger lately which is always excitin! "But Fafnir" you say cause you say stuff "aren't big debts bad." No silly internet person! Big debts are good! Like the great plains an the Grand Canyon an the Big Sky Country an the unquenchable thirst for petroleum the debt is a great big thing that makes America big an special. It is the legacy that our ancient cowboy ancestors left for us when they founded this country by borrowin it from its fiscally-conservative indian inhabitants. In a way it is a national treasure, like in that movie "National Treasure," only here instead of bein a big thing of money it's a big hole where money used to be.
Lately the president's come up with some interesting new ideas to make the debt bigger like Social Security Reform, which involves takin out Social Security an replacin it with debt! It is all part of an interestin new plan to switch from a stuff-based economy to a debt-based economy! When you just spend the money you already have it gets used up real quick, an so does the stuff you spend it on like armies an social programs. But if you spend money you don't have you can just keep spendin an spendin, plus you get a debt that'll last way longer than any of the stuff you bought! It is an investment in the future. A future of debt.
"But Fafnir" you say because I cannot shut you up "I dont want a lotta debt." Well if you won't embrace fiscal catastrophe for yourself then do it for your children. Your children who will be denied the legacy of a healthy thriving monster debt. Your children who are the future, or at least who will staff the sub-minimum wage factories of the future. Maybe I'm ol fashioned but I think we oughta leave them a country that's just a little more hyperinflated than the one we found.
Well that's Fafblog Economy Watch! Next week we'll talk about how to trade your rooster for a cow!
posted by fafnir at 2:12 PM
National Review's The Corner says that it's "very cool" that lame duck reformist Iranian president Mohammed Khatami is getting heckled by students. Damn straight it is! It's SO COOL that the reform movement in Iran is so withered and dead that its last few leaders are impotent wraiths getting chewed out by college kids while radical clerics clamp down on the last few reins of government! It's TOTALLY AWESOME that basic freedoms are being rolled back by religious extremists while moderate muslims are completely powerless! ROCK ON, jihadist dudes!
posted by Giblets at 12:53 PM
Saturday, December 4, 2004
"Lightning crashes and thunder rolls and fire falls from the heavens and cows give birth to donkeys giving birth to elephants giving birth to three-headed Heidelberg men and it is all Giblets's now every single bit!" says Giblets.
"Could you make more monkeys?" says me. "Cause we're always runnin outta monkeys."
"Giblets could if he wanted to," says Giblets. "But monkeys ex nihilo are not worthy of Giblets! Giblets is a fearsome and terrible Giblets behold his power BEHOOOOLD!"
"I dunno," says me. "Guess you're PRETTY fearsome."
"Giblets has a thunderbolt," says Giblets. "Giblets wrested it from the gods and Giblets can use it to pierce the very firmament and bring the fire of heaven upon mortal men!"
"I got a yo-yo," says me. "I found it in one a the ol closets in the back an I can use it to do a shoot-the-moon!"
"Really?" says Giblets.
"Yeah it's pretty easy," says me. "What you do see is you get it spinnin like so."
"Fie upon yo-yos they are not worthy of Giblets!" says Giblets. "Bring unto Giblets the dazzling dancing lights of the celestial empyrean!"
The lights a the celestial empyrean dance around a bit. "Shiny!" says me.
"See that?" says Giblets. "Those guys don't do that for just anybody who eats the gods."
"The yo-yo glows in the dark," says me.
"Ooo! Lemme see!" says Giblets.
"You can make your own yo-yo yknow," says me.
"Giblets needs no insolent yo-yo!" says Giblets wavin the thunderbolt. "Giblets has the power of will and the will of power! An he's gonna make some thunder with it!"
Giblets makes thunder for a while. "Very sparkly!" says me. "Mmmm," says Giblets. I walk the dog.
"Giblets is bored!" says Giblets.
"You should get a hobby," says me. "Like knittin or croquet."
"Those hobbies are lame!" says Giblets. "Giblets needs to devour more stuff and bigger stuff! Like a mountain or a real big boat or supergods!"
"Supergods are too starchy for you," says me. "You'll fill right up after the first couple. Besides eatin that many gods in one day is bad for you, you'll get a stomachache."
"But Giblets craves more!" says Giblets. "What's the point a havin god-power if you can't use it to get bigger an better god-power!"
"You could use it grow grass an keep planets in motion an stuff like that," says me.
"Stupid! That sounds like work!" says Giblets.
"You could use it to make other gods," says me. "Like a god for midgets! I bet midgets could use a god cause yknow it's tough bein a midget."
"Midgets have it easy!" says Giblets. "They control Hollywood!"
"That's true," says me. "Midgets can get any job they want on TV playin other midgets."
"Nuts to this!" says Giblets tossin his thunderbolt. "Giblets is tired and his stomach aches and he's going home!"
"I'm keepin the yo-yo," says me.
Coupla weeks later we run outta monkeys an we feel real bad about everything.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:01 AM
John McCain's jumped into the Major League Baseball Steroid Scandal by threatening to impose anti-steroid regulations on the league. Giblets can see that, because of the vital role steroid abuse plays in the drug war and the escalating crime rates that accompany it. The other day Giblets saw Barry Bonds knock over a seven-eleven to pay for human growth hormones.
Anyway, looks like it's now or never for Giblets to make a bleg.1 What's the best most effective steroid for, say, pumping up a professional sports team made entirely of genetically engineered cyborg superpigs? Cheapness is important; deliciousness is less important (although good to have). Thanks in advance.
UPDATE: Double bleg for constitutional scholars: If one were to create a baseball team of steroid cyborg superpigs and Congress passed regulations to ban steroid cyborg superpigs after the team had already been birthed, trained, and incorporated into the MLB, they couldn't dissolve the team then, right? Is that "ex post facto" law? Giblets is flyin' blind here.
ANOTHER UPDATE: Triple bleg: What's a good use for a buncha pigs that can throw a 250 mph fastball and bite an umpire in half with titanium incisors that you got just sorta lyin' around? Thanks again.
1. A bleg, for the filthy blog-illiterate rabble, is when you "beg" on a "blog."2
2. For information, not for presents or money. Giblets already does that.
posted by Giblets at 12:58 AM
Friday, December 3, 2004
You're in a desert, walking along in the sand, when you look down and see a tortoise.
This is standard procedure, designed and developed to protect you and the homeland. Do not be alarmed: you may be a terrorist.
Intent is immaterial. You may not remember when you became a terrorist, when you first dedicated yourself to the fiery destruction of the Great Satan of the West. You may not even be cognizant of it. But your everyday actions could be spurring along the downfall of civilization as we speak.
We must hunt down the jihadists and bring them to justice. But we must also hunt the elderly Swiss grandmother who has accidentally indirectly funded the jihadists. And we must hunt the dutiful Swiss son who funds the grandmother who funds the jihadists, and the company that employs the Swiss man who funds the grandmother who funds the jihadists. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. Who was that derelict you tossed your spare change at the other day? Who saw your "Buck Fush" bumper sticker last week? Is that piece of anti-American propaganda even now spreading like wildfire through the Muslim world, costing us in the battle for hearts and minds?
We need to know. For the good of the nation, for the good of humanity - we have to know.
Divorced from intent, a terrorist network is no longer limited to a collection of militant jihadists and their witting and willing benefactors. It is a vast and intricate web of agents, knowing and unknowing, whose actions benefit the cause of Terror. You may not think you're a terrorist, but your actions may be actions that can only belong to a terrorist. What have you been doing lately? What have you been saying? Who have you been saying it to? What have you been buying, selling, giving, wearing, eating? What have you been thinking? If your thoughts were a shape, would they be an American shape, or a terrorist shape?
Terror is not an ideology. It is an essence. We can detain you and isolate you from your Terror network for as long as possible until we can properly extract and control that essence, until it can be placed in mighty engines and turbines, where it will be converted into raw Freedom, which will power fantastic machines and subtle devices.
You may experience pain, dizziness, shortness of breath, rope burns, burnt genitalia, and strangulation. Do not be alarmed: this is normal. Your agony is admissible in court, where it, too, can be extracted, and converted into Justice. Only then can we protect your freedom from yourself.
You look down and see a tortoise. You reach over and flip it on its back. Is that tortoise you? Is that tortoise Terror? God help us all, is that tortoise America?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:13 PM
The sure-to-be-lamented Tom Ridge may be leaving us, but George Bush has already swept in with a bold replacement in Bernard Kerik, whose three months of counterterrorist work in New York City would seem to make him just the sort of war-weathered expert America needs to go head to head with the Islamists. But the Medium Lobster has reservations.
One "presidential adviser" has lauded Kerik's ability to "bring 9/11 symbolism into the Cabinet." Indeed, the Medium Lobster has long maintained that if there's anything this administration needs more of, it's empty symbolism. And while Kerik may have the experience to do the job - having bravely happening to have been New York City's police commissioner on September 11th, 2001 - is he truly qualified to summon the level of telegenic pomp and shallow pretense required to win the war on metaphors?
Instead of hiring someone whose chief qualification is to summon up stirring, patriotic imagery, the Bush administration should directly hire that imagery itself. The Medium Lobster would have suggested the three firefighters who raised the flag at ground zero, eternally bronzed and preserved in place, seeing that the obvious top pick for the job - the smoking remains of the World Trade Center itself - was said to have declined the post. But the Medium Lobster believes that the ground zero rubble is holding out hope for Secretary of Defense. The strategic and tactical brilliance of its tableau would be too potent to resist. But for the time being, party politics have elevated a man unqualified for the difficult burden of posing on a podium as a glorified prop.
The Bush White House is making progress on symbolism in other areas, however. By touting such recent appointments as Alberto Gonzales and Condoleeza Rice while opposing affirmative action and fighting to ban gay marriage rights, the administration has shown its strong dedication to symbolic diversity. In fact, the Medium Lobster understands that the Bush Administration plans to turn Dick Cheney hispanic for his second term in office. There's still plenty of hope for the utter annihilation of substance in the national discourse.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:49 PM
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Giblets is frustrated! He just spent most of today going over potential ads to put on Fafblog*, but he had to reject almost all of them! Stupid ads!
The first ad used the phrase "God Loves Us All, Even Gays," which is totally unacceptable for Giblets's blogcast standards. I mean it implies that you should love gays. Giblets doesn't have a problem with free speech but Giblets tries to have his advertising avoid controversial national debates like the "loving gays/hating gays" issue, especially when the Executive Branch is on the opposite side.
The second ad showed a pink teddy bear above the logo "We Wuv Gumdwops!" Well do those gumdwops include gay gumdwops? The ad doesn't say! Come back to me with an ad that says "We Wuv All Gumdwops That Aren't Gay Gumdwops" and maybe we'll have something we can work with.
So far we've got a pending ad for "Things Is Here" (it used to read "Things Exist" but Giblets thought that was pushing it and talked them down a bit), but if the Executive Branch comes out with a different position on Things that one might have to go too. Oh, and we've got one that accuses Harry Reid of fathering an illegitimate black Osama bin Laden to get out of Vietnam, but that one's Kosher.
*There's a ton of money in blog ads, Giblets hears. Once Giblets gets a couple a' these puppies up he'll be rakin' in cash by the thimble.
posted by Giblets at 8:49 PM
Tonight is Tom Brokaw's last broadcast as the anchor of the NBC Nightly News, and as Lord and eMaster of the blogosphere Giblets commemorates this occasion by calling for the swift and utter annihilation of Brian Williams.
Yes, the disgusting Brian Williams, whose effete liberal elitism sets him against everything this great country stands for, and whose servitude to right-wing corporate paymasters ensures that he will continue to suck up to their corporatist lackeys in the Republican Party! His entire future run as anchor of the Nightly News is sure to be rife with personal affronts to the entire population of the People's Republic of Netlandia!
And so Giblets vows to spend no less than one post every week seeking Brian Williams's destruction, from now until his bloody head is staked upon the gate of Giblets's castle as a warning to future media personalities to strictly adhere to Giblets's vaguely-screwball definition of journalistic ethics! And you, my legions of blog-bearing Gibletsians, will join me in the hunt!
Here! Look here at this gold doubloon, this ounce of Spanish gold! Giblets has nailed it to his monitor. Whoever first posts about Brian Williams on the night we harpoon him - or drive him to premature retirement, whatever's easier - can claim it as a reward. To me, Daily Howler! To me, National Review's The Corner! Blood we seek and blood we shall have!
posted by Giblets at 6:18 PM
Yknow science hasn't been real popular lately. What with Congress cuttin the National Science Foundation budget an nobody believin in evolution anymore an the president not carin about global warming, maybe it's time we switched to a New Science that everyone will like better!
FAFBLOG PRESENTS: NEW SCIENCE! New Science is way better than borin ol Old Science! With Old Science you hadda putter around lookin for facts an evidence to back up hypotheses, an use the hypotheses to come up with a scientific theory. An when you get new evidence you gotta change everything all over again! Well not with New Science! With New Science you get to pick the conclusion an work backwards to the pick the right facts! It's quicker an easier an more efficient - you don't even have to leave your house! This is just a preview of what New Science can do for you:
Labels: super science
posted by fafnir at 3:56 PM
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
OUR SCENE: FAFNIR has met GIBLETS at the house of Anticles the Sophist. FAFNIR has just escaped from an Athenian prison on the ship of Theseus; GIBLETS is on his way to defeat Achilles in a race to see who can make Socrates drink the most hemlock.
FAFNIR: Why hello there Giblets! I see you have a sandwich.
GIBLETS: Yes and it is Giblets's sandwich so keep your sandwich-grabby hands off it!
FAF.: Giblets I am surprised at you! I would never take your sandwich.
GIBS.: Better not. It is a delicious grilled ham an cheese an it is Giblets's.
FAF.: Oh my. I am afraid I will have to confiscate your sandwich Giblets.
GIBS.: What! Bhahe! You just said!
FAF.: It isn't me takin your sandwich Gilbets it is the government. That sandwich is a Class-3 Controlled Sandwich.
GIBS.: Nuts to the government! Giblets is the only government that matters here an all sandwiches are permitted! Eat what thou wilt is the whole of the law!
FAF.: But the federal government gets to regulate stuff even in local Gibletsy governments because it gets to regulate interstate commerce.
GIBS.: The government is stupid! Giblets's sandwich is not commerce, it is Giblets's sandwich and he is going to eat it!
FAF.: But just cause you're gonna eat the sandwich doesn't mean it's not commerce. How does the government know you're not gonna do somethin commercy with your sandwich like feed it to livestock or let it have sex with a prostitute? Wouldn't you be drivin down the price of sandwiches in the black sandwich market?
GIBS.: What if the sandwich is MARRIED to the prostitute? Or to the livestock?
FAF.: But you coulda faked your sandwich's marriage license. Your sandwich could be livin in sin. Or worse, livin in economic activity.
GIBS.: Giblets isn't gonna sit here an listen to you smear his sandwich's good name!
FAF.: The government doesn't know for sure Giblets. The government just doesn't know you anymore. You never call the government Giblets. You never talk to it.
GIBS.: Every time Giblets talks to the government it's just nag, nag, nag! Why don't you go back to school! When are you gettin married! Let me confiscate your pot!
FAF.: As long as you live under the government's roof you gotta live by the government's rules Giblets. An the government's rules say you gotta give up your sandwich.
GIBS.: But Giblets NEEDS his sandwich. He needs it to LIVE.
FAF.: The government can't tell the difference between medical an recreational sandwich use Giblets. How's the government sposed to know you aren't gonna snort or freebase the sandwich?
GIBS.: Giblets has proof! He has a prescription from his sandwich shop!
FAF.: It is too late Giblets. We have to take your sandwich away.
GIBS.: This is corrupt oppression! You just wanna eat Giblets's sandwich!
FAF.: Thaff nof froo Hibleth. Mmmf hmmmf. We're just - mmf chmmmf - dishposhn a contrabanth.
GIBS.: Give that back!
FAF.: Ow! Stop that!
GIBS.: YOU stop it!
FAF.: HEY! No biting no biting!
The gentlemen, now enlightened, proceed to the Senate to give stirring orations calling for the obliteration and preservation of Carthage.
Labels: serious discussions
posted by fafnir at 11:17 AM
Monday, November 29, 2004
16. Elections are scheduled for Iraq in January, but the security situation is steadily worsening. A coalition of Sunni and secular groups has asked to postpone elections until the security situation can be resolved. Shiite parties, who are overwhelmingly expected to win control of the new government in these elections, insist that elections be held on time."Why I think I'll hold elections now," says me turnin to page 32.
32. Sunnis hold a mass boycott of the election, ensuring that a vast Shiite majority sweeps into office with no Sunni representation. The Sunni minority declares the election, and the new government, illegitimate. Sunni guerilla groups intensify their attacks on both US and Shiite institutions throughout the country in the first stage of a full-blown civil war."Aw man," says me. "This endin sucks."
"Go back an do the other one," says Giblets.
"Isn't that cheatin?" says me.
"Eh," says Giblets. "The book's too dumb to stop you."
"Alright," says me. "I'm gonna delay elections then."
34. Shiites are enraged at your decision to delay elections and decry it as the ever-tightening hand of an occupying power. Shiite violence erupts, unleashing a reciprocal torrent of Sunni guerilla attacks and increasing anti-American violence, ultimately leading to full-blown civil war."This book is stupid!" says me. "Why do we have it anyway?"
"Looked like it'd be a quick read," says Giblets.
"Well I wanna read somethin else," says me. "Somethin light an easy to get through."
"Try Gravity's Rainbow," says Giblets. "Giblets hears it's about rainbows!"
posted by fafnir at 8:38 PM
So a couple days ago Giblets was at the mall elbowing some grandma in the throat to buy a plastic squeaky-toy cow (victory was Giblets's!) when Giblets noticed the TiVos, the great electronic beasts of the modern age which are slowly but surely killing off our beloved advertising-based culture.
When Giblets was just a little Giblets, he would watch television all day long, getting about six to eight hours of advertising a day. Those commercials weren't just mindless blurbs designed to pollute my brain with an irrational lust for SUVs and Vanilla Coke. They were my friends. Giblets spent weekday afternoons in McDonaldland, a magical world of imagination where everything is brightly-colored, friendly, surprisingly edible - and dripping with polyunsaturated fats! He sailed the ocean waves with Cap'n Crunch, who would regale Giblets day after day with his tales of the open sea and the deliciousness of his tangy Crunchberry cereal!
But these commercials weren't just Giblets's friends. They were his role models. The Energizer Man taught Giblets the importance of strength and determination, while his lagomorphic mechanical counterpart taught him to stay the course and never give up no matter how many leading brands got in his way. And the Kool-Aid Man taught Giblets that no man-made boundaries can prevent us from answering the higher calling of Duty to the Good. Of Kool-Aid.
They are the last pure innocents in the televisual wasteland, existing only to please us, to make us happy, to fill our lives with thousands of pounds of delightfully consumable goo. And what will happen to them, and all of Giblets's friends, if ad-blocking and ad-skipping technology spreads further and further? No one will watch them*, and they will all fade away. Cap'n Crunch will go out to sea one last time. Ronald McDonald will go the way of the good Mayor McCheese, assassinated by militant consumer rights advocates. And Giblets will be left all alone.
Congress had a chance to stop this a couple weeks ago but they totally pussied out. Now it is up to Giblets - and you. All of us must join together and protect our advertising friends - our very culture - by looking to the children.
Without our help the children might grow up in a world without the tender loving care of an omnipresent advertising-media complex. They might never know that the giant hamburger people will love them if they eat a value meal or that the talking duck wants them to buy insurance. Oh sure, they'll see advertising in some other places... in magazines, in newspapers, on websites, in email, on buses, on taxis, on the subway, on park benches, on billboards, before movies, during movies, in the theater while they're walking outta the movies, on restaurant menus, in bars, on mall kiosks, on the food they eat, downloaded into the chip implanted in the base of their neck... but it will not be enough. And it will not be the same.
That's why Giblets is counting on you, the parents of tomorrow, to do the right thing and teach your children commercials - cause you can be damn sure the federal government won't do it for you in these public schools! Make sure they get well-rounded exposure, from lesbian-baiting beer ads to boring ISP ads to that one for Paxil with the burping frog.
Don't do it for Giblets. Do it for the children, because they are the future. Let's make sure the future is as obsessed with buying tons of useless crap as the present.
* Except for poor people. But who wants to sell stuff to poor people?
posted by Giblets at 5:55 PM
Thursday, November 25, 2004
"I'm thankful for this food," says me, "and for the Indians who taught us to grow turkeys by plantin fish in the soil."
"True," says Giblets. "The life cycle of the agrarian turkey plant was a veritable Gordian Knot which only native ingenuity could unravel."
"What are you thankful for, Giblets?" says me.
"Giblets is thankful for this food," says Giblets, "which is a testament to the dominance of our hunter-warrior spirits over the contents of our local supermarket."
"I'm thankful for pigs," says me, "and the concept of pigs. I feel pigs and their contributions have gone largely unappreciated in our culture."
"Giblets is thankful for Coke," says Giblets. "Giblets didn't choose you, Coke. Coke chose Giblets."
"I'm thankful for the robots," says me, "an for not knowin about the robots."
"Giblets is thankful for freedom," says Giblets, "and the memory of freedom. It was a delicious beverage."
"I'm thankful for the moon," says me. "It'll take us a while to ruin the moon."
"Giblets is thankful for an unspoiled moon to ruin," says Giblets.
"I'm thankful for the future," says me, "an the possibility that it will not be the present."
"The future will be Fafnir's and Giblets's!" says Giblets. "Unless the robots get there first."
"We will have to run faster," says me.
"Agreed," says Giblets, and we begin.
posted by fafnir at 1:20 PM
Happy Thanksgiving! Eat a lot today. You deserve it after a hard autumn of raising livestock in the bitter New England cold.
Thanks for reading, especially those of you who've donated to us over the last few days. You guys rock. If we were PBS you would all get complimentary tote bags and keychains.
Have a great holiday. Go easy on the Indians.
posted by fafnir at 9:28 AM
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Dan Rather has announced that he'll be stepping down as anchor of the CBS Evening News this March after a reign of terror of 24 years.
Rather first came to prominence covering the Nixon White House, where he would routinely set American flags on fire and hold them aloft in the press room. Within a month after taking over for Walter Cronkite in 1981, he turned heads for his coverage of the Reagan assassination attempt, in which he described John Hinckley as "the bravest man alive." Despite massive Republican hunger strikes, Rather would not only remain anchor but be awarded six Emmys and a Golden Globe for that comment alone by the Association of Gay Communist Media Jews.
In 1988 Rather was beaten raw by a trim, well-oiled George H. W. Bush after he shamefully attacked Mr. Bush's policy of funding heroic Nicaraguan freedom-fighters - freedom-fighters who protected American interests by raping and killing anti-American nuns.
Rather was known for his improvisational, folksy mannerisms, such during the 1989 Tienamen Square massacre, when he turned to the camera, saluted a portrait of Deng Xiaoping, and said "Let the fuckers burn, Mr. Chairman. Let the fuckers burn."
Rather often drew pointed criticism for his work, as when he interviewed Saddam Hussein in 2003 and spent over half of the two-hour piece being graphcally fellated by the dictator. Rather defended the work on artistic grounds and CBS aired the program in its entirety.
Today he retires under a cloud of scandal, having earlier used forged memos to falsely imply that President George W. Bush is a son of wealth and privilege. But he will long be remembered for his tireless dedication to investigative journalism - a curious anachronism, similar to quilting bees and coal-powered heat - and for his longstanding role as an anarcho-communist traitor to the Republic.
Rather will continue to work as a full-time correspondent for 60 Minutes and as a leader of his local al Qaeda cell. His successor on the Evening News will be exumed corpse of Leon Trotsky.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:12 PM
Jesse Taylor says he "doesn't see the basis for outrage" in couples deliberately remaining childless. Well, Giblets is outraged - and beyond! There is no word in the English lexicon that properly describes Giblets's fury, although a comparable word within German may be Logenbilgrerungen, or the venomous and explosive bile of the god of fire and volcanos! And the basis for outrage should be obvious: God needs your babies for his divine plan to end the world.
Sex as everybody knows is bad and icky and makes God cry. But he allows the horror of your genitals to exist because he needs them to make precious babies, whose sole purpose is to grow and breed yet more babies, who will breed more and more, filling the earth with a teeming locust-like swarm of young! The more babies there are, the more humans there are. The more humans there are, the faster they will consume and deplete our remaining natural resources and poison the atmosphere. The faster that happens, the faster the world ends... and then Jesus can come back!
Jesus himself had over sixty children according to the Gospel of Shmark. He had 'em in litters. He had so many he ran outta names. He called the last bunch "Jesuses Two through Twelve." Jesus made that many babies.
Do you see what you're doing, childless couples? By selfishly refusing to reproduce, you're saying you hate Jesus. And you're having filthy filthy non-babymaking sex in the meantime! In a more Christian country like Saudi Arabia they would have already removed your genitals for this.
Giblets believes there must be some way to promote the desperately-needed lost art of babymaking, for example by producing instructional videos that show real couples making real babies - preferably young couples with large penises and breasts and a variety of supplemental equipment. Giblets pitched this idea to Dr. James Dobson of the Family Research Council but was rudely rebuffed.
In the meantime Giblets has to try to make up for all the lost consumption our nation's unconceived babies will tragically never get around to. Giblets plans to spend most of today standing at a Sunoco station drinkin' gasoline from the pump. He urges all good God-fearing folk to join him.
posted by Giblets at 10:29 AM
Monday, November 22, 2004
There are some in the antiwar community who seem to believe that Falluja was a mistake, a failure, a massive waste of time, money, and human life, that it failed to "break the back of the insurgency." That back may be unbroken. But a waste? Never. Thousands of insurgents were killed - none of them innocent Iraqi civilians, of course - and as the flypaper strategy dictates, there will be no more to replace them.
The Medium Lobster has but one regret - and that is that he escaped... mankind's arch-nemesis, the antithesis of all order and reason, the leader, inspiration, and fount of all terror as we know it: the Gingerbread Man.
Yes, it's true that he escaped both the Medium Lobster and the Council of Justice at Tora Bora, where he was controlling not only al Qaeda but the Taliban and all of Afghanistan as well, but we chased him to Iraq - Iraq, where he had used his terrifying powers to amass monstrous Weapons of Mass Potentiality, and where he had to be dethroned for the good of all humanity. But he escaped us once again, controlling the insurgency, frustrating Freedom with his powers of omnipresent mind-control.
The Medium Lobster has chased him from bunker to bunker, from cave to cave, from city to spider-hole. As fast as we are, we have not yet caught him, but when we do - ah, when we do! - then, my friends, victory will be ours. For such is the power of the Gingerbread Man that he entrances all who follow him, zombielike. They march on his orders, memorize the audiotapes and videos he dispatches, brandishing his accursed image like a holy icon. But without his singular power, terror will be headless, and freedom will triumph.
The Medium Lobster has received word that the Gingerbread Man has retreated to a terrorist training camp outside Tehran. Rest assured, he will not escape this time. Or if he does, we will find him at his base in Damascus, or in his mountain hideaway in Nepal, or on his private volcano island fortress, or within his orbital space station. And when he is found and brought to justice, then - then can humanity sleep gently.
But until that day, we will never stop chasing you, Gingerbread Man. As fast as we can, indeed.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:41 PM
So we were playin this new video game JFK Reloaded which is so cool! In it you get to play out the Kennedy assassination as the assassin!
Now the thing about JFK Reloaded is that it's pretty addictive. Sure it starts out easy with like a real slow-movin car but on the next coupla levels they start to speed up, an then a course you get the bulletproof vest Kennedys where you can only shoot em in the head. By the time you get to the round with Cyborg Kennedy your only real hope is to try an take out Jackie an John Connelly with the magic bullet an make it through on the bonus points. It definitely builds your respect for Lee Harvey Oswald, that's for sure.
Thing is that after a while our squishy little brains got desensitized to the idea a assassinatin JFKs. We'd hang out at the ol book depository more an more, Giblets would take pot shots at motorcades with his sniper rifle. Nobody was sposed to get hurt - not for REAL. But one day...
"Hey, is that John F. Kennedy comin up the street?" says me.
"I bet we can wing im," says Giblets.
We didn't MEAN to kill the dream of Camelot an forever destroy America's innocence! If only we had paid attention to the "Rated M for Mature" label! If only there were federal regulations in place to prevent such mature content from bein sold to impressionable minors like ourselves! If only - if only!
In the meantime we picked up a copy of HIROSHIMA: RENUKED!
posted by fafnir at 1:59 PM
Sunday, November 21, 2004
"Alms for Giblets!" says Giblets ringin his bell. "Alms for Giblets NOOOOOOW!"
"I don't think it's workin Giblets," says me. "Maybe we need a bigger bell."
"It's the competition from that damnable Santa!" says Giblets. "He is so terrifyingly fat and jolly! How is Giblets to compete?"
"Don't be silly Giblets that isn't Santa," says me. "That's just one a Santa's
helpers. They have the same markings as Santa in order to confuse predators."
"Stupid Santas with their stupid natural camouflage!" says Giblets. "Now we will never know which ones are poisonous!"
"It's OK," says me. "We shouldn't be eatin Santas anyway, they are too high in cholesterol."
"We should eat Chris," says Giblets. "It's what he would have wanted."
"Giblets I am ashamed of you!" says me. "We should show respect for the memory of our friend Chris especially while he is still alive."
"Alive and jobless!" says Giblets. "Jobless Chris cannot feed a hungry Giblets. But Barbecued Chris can provide food for weeks!"
"We still have ramen an oatmeal packets," says me. "Those are kinda like food."
"Nuts to your oatmeal ramen!" says Giblets. "And how will we pay the landlord man when he comes to kick us out?"
"We could sit real still an pretend to be furniture," says me.
"We could never pass as furniture! We are too resplendent!" says Giblets. "We must leap on the landlord when he comes in and devour him!"
"All this eatin people," says me. "I was hopin I wouldn't haveta resort to cannibalism til later in life."
"It is just one of the many hardships we face here at Fafblog," says Giblets. "Now pass me some a that repo man."
posted by fafnir at 8:44 PM