Friday, November 5, 2004
FAFBLOG: Wow, it's been a real good week to be a crazy Christian! George Bush has been re-elected an eleven states are officially Less Gay! It's Hot Hot Hot to be an ossified moral dinosaur these days!
JERRY FALWELL: It sure is, Fafnir, praise the Lord!
JAMES DOBSON: I'd just like to say what a privilege and an honor it was to have struck a blow for freedom Tuesday by contributing to gay non-proliferation.
FALWELL: Absolutely. Gayness is the most pressing security concern this country faces, and great to see some good Americans finally taking this issue seriously.
FB: Now everybody up til the election thought the biggest issues were gonna be Iraq an the war on terror but funny thing, it turned out it was more important to stick it to gays. Huh! What do you guys think about that?
FALWELL: Well if you think about it, homosexuals ARE a sort of terrorist, Fafnir. Terrorists... of the family.
FB: Not the family! That's where we keep all our babies!
DOBSON: That's right, armed with the suicide bombs of sodomy, planning to detonate themselves on the Israeli schoolbus of domestic partnership, leaving behind the terrifying bloodbath of state-recognized civil marriage!
FB: Oh no! They could strike anywhere!
FALWELL: In fact, the next 9/11 could be caused by a homosexual. I wouldn't be surprised if the next skyscraper that falls isn't collapsed by a plane or a bomb, but by a giant pair of naked, oiled, well-toned men, colliding over the skyline of Manhattan, thrusting again and again into our soft, unprotected national landmarks!
FB: I'm scared of all this strange foreign sex! What do we do Doctor Dobson?
DOBSON: First of all, we have to be vigilant! Are there homosexualist cells operating in your neighborhood? If so, contact the FBI! Or at least your local church group, for a quick conversion!
FB: I'll form a neighborhood watch group! But I still feel so powerless before the gay menace! What can the government do, Rev. Falwell?
FALWELL: We've gotta get more proactive! 9/11 changed everything, Fafnir - we have to strike at homosexuals before they strike at us! Use the full powers of the FBI, the CIA, Homeland Security, detain 'em in Guantanamo Bay and interrogate 'em until we know the full extent of their Gay Agenda!
JESUS: [bursting in] Stop, stop! This is obscene!
FB: Jesus, please. We already did your interview.
JESUS: [overturning interview tables] I told you to love your neighbors as yourselves, not withhold their civil rights! I said blessed are the peacemakers, not the warmongers! I said my kingdom was not of this earth, not to make laws and bribe officials and overrun governments in my name!
DOBSON: Can you please have security remove this man?
JESUS: [being dragged away] My house is supposed to be a house of prayer! You've made it a cheap market to whore out God to any venomous hack who spews your hate!
FB: I'm very sorry for that. That's the last time we leave Jesus around in the green room!
DOBSON: I think with that little "scream," Jesus gets more support from the Howard Dean left than from honest Christians!
FB: Ha ha! Oh, Howard Dean jokes never get old.
FALWELL: Well, we certainly aren't represented by Jesus of Nazareth. Weak on national security, practically a Communist - says you go to Hell if you're rich without helpin' the poor! Now where I come from that's called keepin' what you earned!
DOBSON: Absolutely. If Jesus is such a good man, why does he show all this hatred for capitalism - all this hatred for the American way of life? Sounds like he'd be better friends with the likes of Michael Moore and Osama bin Laden!
FB: That's very true. Why does Jesus hate America?
FALWELL: I also understand he has an illegitimate black baby.
FB: Well what's next for the Religious right?
DOBSON: Well, right now we're working on a new, improved Robo-Christ! A leader the church can really finally look up to - one who won't waffle by blessing the meek and the peacemakers!
FALWELL: He's gonna be five-hundred feet tall, made of reinforced titanium, armed with poison gas and surface-to-air missiles, and best of all, he'll shoot a ray beam outta his eyeballs that destroys porn, cures Jewishness, and converts gay men to heterosexuality!
DOBSON: It's a joint project of Raytheon and the Family Research Council. We're thinking of deploying him to the Mideast!
FB: Wow. I'm sure glad we've got you guys representing Christianity!
DOBSON: So are we, Fafnir. So are we.
posted by fafnir at 5:08 PM