Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Dan Rather has announced that he'll be stepping down as anchor of the CBS Evening News this March after a reign of terror of 24 years.

Rather first came to prominence covering the Nixon White House, where he would routinely set American flags on fire and hold them aloft in the press room. Within a month after taking over for Walter Cronkite in 1981, he turned heads for his coverage of the Reagan assassination attempt, in which he described John Hinckley as "the bravest man alive." Despite massive Republican hunger strikes, Rather would not only remain anchor but be awarded six Emmys and a Golden Globe for that comment alone by the Association of Gay Communist Media Jews.

In 1988 Rather was beaten raw by a trim, well-oiled George H. W. Bush after he shamefully attacked Mr. Bush's policy of funding heroic Nicaraguan freedom-fighters - freedom-fighters who protected American interests by raping and killing anti-American nuns.

Rather was known for his improvisational, folksy mannerisms, such during the 1989 Tienamen Square massacre, when he turned to the camera, saluted a portrait of Deng Xiaoping, and said "Let the fuckers burn, Mr. Chairman. Let the fuckers burn."

Rather often drew pointed criticism for his work, as when he interviewed Saddam Hussein in 2003 and spent over half of the two-hour piece being graphcally fellated by the dictator. Rather defended the work on artistic grounds and CBS aired the program in its entirety.

Today he retires under a cloud of scandal, having earlier used forged memos to falsely imply that President George W. Bush is a son of wealth and privilege. But he will long be remembered for his tireless dedication to investigative journalism - a curious anachronism, similar to quilting bees and coal-powered heat - and for his longstanding role as an anarcho-communist traitor to the Republic.

Rather will continue to work as a full-time correspondent for 60 Minutes and as a leader of his local al Qaeda cell. His successor on the Evening News will be exumed corpse of Leon Trotsky.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:12 PM



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