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Monday, November 1, 2004
Ah, electiontime. There is no other time of the year when the higher powers and infinite wisdom of the Medium Lobster are so feverishly sought. For while lowly and confused mortals cluelessly sift through entrails and scrutinize the I Ching in desperate attempts to scry the fickle fortunes of the electoral college, the Medium Lobster walks the ethereal plane with gods, titans, and supermen, and reads the pronouncements of Gallup and Zogby as clearly as mortal men read print on a page. The future - yes, even the future of the hideously byzantine system that is the American presidential election - is an open book to one such as I.
"Come! We must know!" you cry. "Who will stand triumphant on November Third? Who will be victorious?" The Medium Lobster chuckles. I could explain it all to you, of course, but most of you would hardly follow the reasoning, trapped as you are in your hopelessly limited understanding. The Medium Lobster will deign to share these revelations, gleaned after hours of meditation and fervent study of reams of data projections over the last several months, with the lumpen masses: that George W. Bush will win with 59.7% of the popular vote and 352 electoral votes, precisely. And now, the Medium Lobster shall retire for the moment, leaving his audience gasping and applauding in his wake. In one month he shall emerge once more with a breakdown of how many undecided voters - within the margin of error - can dance on the head of Ohio.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:48 PM
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