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Wednesday, November 10, 2004
July 18, 2004
Dear Mr. President: So the other day I'm walkin around Alaska lookin at preserved wildlife like I do when I start to notice some suspicious activities. A group a puffins was sittin around doin somethin of a contemplative nature, maybe prayer! An there was a snowy owl in a kaffiya makin a pipe bomb! An I even think I saw a polar bear in a burka buyin yellowcake uranium! Mr. President I know you have promised to "take the fight to the terrorists" an "go on the offensive." But I need to know you're takin this seriously! When will we take up the fight against Arctic Islamism? Sincerely, Fafnir Edgar Gustavus Fafnir Fafnir August 3, 2004 Dear Mr. Fafnir: It is with my sincerest gratitulations that I thank you for your letter. You are one of the many millions of patriotic Americans strong enough to recognize the danger that terrorist animals pose for us today. We must hunt down the terrorist killers and the trees that give them refuge. We must fight the terrorists and smoke 'em out of their holes, or caves, or permafrost. We must liberate the freedom-lovin' petroleum of the Arctic. But we cannot do it while those who fear action still oppose the cause of freedom. My opponent would rather take a "law enforcement" approach to terror, that just involves "finding terrorists" and "killing them." He doesn't see that this is a war, and a war between civilization and the natural resources that sustain civilization. With a re-election, I will have a broad mandate - "political capital" which I will spend to unite this great nation behind its number one priority: hunting down the wolves and bears and penguins and stuff that declared war on this country, and liberating the oil that has been oppressed there for generations. To the theoretical deposits of fossil fuels which may or may not exist beneath the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve, I say, the day of your liberation is near. May God Bless America, George W. Bush
posted by fafnir at 2:32 PM
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