Monday, November 1, 2004

In two days Giblets will not just be your supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. He will be your constitutionally-mandated supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. In this Giblets is unstoppable! In fact Gibletsian state-by-state projections by Giblets's polling firm, Gibletsian Vision (G), show Giblets winning by a landslide - 535 to 3! (Wyoming will go to Bush. Damn you to hell, Wyoming. Damn you to hell.)

Gibletsian partisans may already begin prematurely celebrating Giblets's victory! Giblets has already commissioned a 500 foot tall sculpture of himself on horseback trampling his foes, to be entitled Triumphe d'Gibletse! On January 20th Giblets will spend all of his inauguration ceremony eating an enormous pile of gold!

But if - as some scurrilous rumors and half-mad acid-eating anti-Giblets propagandists have suggested - Giblets loses the election to John Kerry, it will be clear why. It will be because of the bias of the liberal media.

The liberal media, who again and again painted John Kerry as a weak-willed pandering flip-flopper, knowing that Americans appreciate the supple pliabilty of a flip-flopper's ever-shifting positions over the hard resolve of Giblets! The liberal media, who represented Kerry's every position as an incoherent one knowing full well that Americans would be helplessly seduced by a convoluted, byzantine rambler instead of a straight-shooter like Giblets! The liberal media, who entertained the notion that John Kerry was a traitor to his country who had deliberately wounded himself to get out of Vietnam and besmirched the reputation of his fellow veterans, knowing that Americans love a quick-witted spineless coward over a heroic anti-terror crusader like Giblets!

And if they succeed - if they cost Giblets the election - they will pay, my pretties. Oh how they will pay! For Giblets will marshall the entire power of the blogosphere to destroy the noxious "mainstream media" once and for all! With our power, nothing will stop Giblets from exacting bloody revenge! Giblets and pro-Giblets blogs will finally hunt down Peter Jennings and see him brought to justice! Tom Brokaw will be beaten, chained and thrown into Giblets's personal dungeon! The heads of Gwen Ifill and Charlie Rose, stuffed and mounted in Giblets's vestibule! To crush National Public Radio, see Dan Rather driven before me, and hear the lamentations of Al Roker! Victory or vengeance - they will be mine!
posted by Giblets at 4:28 PM




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