Monday, November 22, 2004

There are some in the antiwar community who seem to believe that Falluja was a mistake, a failure, a massive waste of time, money, and human life, that it failed to "break the back of the insurgency." That back may be unbroken. But a waste? Never. Thousands of insurgents were killed - none of them innocent Iraqi civilians, of course - and as the flypaper strategy dictates, there will be no more to replace them.

The Medium Lobster has but one regret - and that is that he escaped... mankind's arch-nemesis, the antithesis of all order and reason, the leader, inspiration, and fount of all terror as we know it: the Gingerbread Man.

Yes, it's true that he escaped both the Medium Lobster and the Council of Justice at Tora Bora, where he was controlling not only al Qaeda but the Taliban and all of Afghanistan as well, but we chased him to Iraq - Iraq, where he had used his terrifying powers to amass monstrous Weapons of Mass Potentiality, and where he had to be dethroned for the good of all humanity. But he escaped us once again, controlling the insurgency, frustrating Freedom with his powers of omnipresent mind-control.

The Medium Lobster has chased him from bunker to bunker, from cave to cave, from city to spider-hole. As fast as we are, we have not yet caught him, but when we do - ah, when we do! - then, my friends, victory will be ours. For such is the power of the Gingerbread Man that he entrances all who follow him, zombielike. They march on his orders, memorize the audiotapes and videos he dispatches, brandishing his accursed image like a holy icon. But without his singular power, terror will be headless, and freedom will triumph.

The Medium Lobster has received word that the Gingerbread Man has retreated to a terrorist training camp outside Tehran. Rest assured, he will not escape this time. Or if he does, we will find him at his base in Damascus, or in his mountain hideaway in Nepal, or on his private volcano island fortress, or within his orbital space station. And when he is found and brought to justice, then - then can humanity sleep gently.

But until that day, we will never stop chasing you, Gingerbread Man. As fast as we can, indeed.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:41 PM




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