Wednesday, November 3, 2004

The election results have come in and they have surprised no one... no one on the side of Giblets that is! It is Giblets in a landslide! Giblets by a whopping three percentage points! Only 49% of the population rejected Giblets! VICTORY! AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!

With this broad mandate, it is time to push aside the mealy-mouthed timid campaign rhetoric Giblets has toyed with before! Giblets will not be "conciliatory" after this historic moment! Tariffs on reading! A flat tax on gay sex! Mandatory prayer before monuments to the Ten Commandments in every class room! A war in every garage, a tortured Arab civilian in every pot! The streets will run with the blood of liberals!

But do not think Giblets will continue to divide the country. Oh no. The days of the bitterly partisan "pro-Giblets" and "anti-Giblets" Americas are over. Giblets is a uniter, not a divider. And he will unite America... UNDER THE CRUSHING FORCE OF HIS IRON HEEL!

Giblets's plutocratic economic policies will beggar liberals AND conservatives! His incoherent foreign policy and complete negligence on nuclear proliferation will endanger the lives of EVERY American, regardless of race, color, or creed! His ceaseless pandering to a lunatic fringe of apocalyptic religious radicals will curtail civil rights and education reform for everyone, making ALL Americans stupider AND less free at the same time! All will be as one in the new Gibletsian dystopia!

And when the next terrorist attack comes, and the intelligence community is caught with its pants down because it's been gutted by a partisan hack, and emergency workers are understaffed because thieir funding's been slashed to pay for tax cuts for the obscenely rich, and the National Guard is helpless to assist because it's off fighting in Iraq - or, God willing, Iran or Syria or wherever the next dart lands - the country will unite in the face of that bipartisan slaughter! Onward, Giblets soldiers!
posted by Giblets at 11:37 PM




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