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Saturday, November 6, 2004

Attention All Democrats: I Am Your Only Hope.

With the Democrats crushed under a monster landslide defeat of nearly three percentage points, the time has come to ask the inevitable question: is this the end? Is the Democratic Party doomed to oblivion? Has it lost all appeal outside its tiny, shrinking base of half the American populace? The answer, quite sadly, is yes... unless it follows the sage advice of the Medium Lobster, and quickly.

Why did Democrats lose the election? Clearly, this loss couldn't have come as a result of the strategic and tactical masterminds behind Kerry-Edwards '04, whose cunning political maneuvering, clear message, and deft counter to every shameless smear from the Bush camp kept their candidates shining in the sun from March through November. Nor could it have been affected by the negligence of the modern news media, which remained a hawklike watchman of democracy, quick to counter every rumor, baseless allegation and outright lie from GOP operatives not with mere fact-checking but with the sullen and lifeless talking points of Donna Brazille.

Indeed, in no prior election has the playing field been so level for a fight between a wartime president whose endless incompetence is repeatedly masked by a top-notch media team and overlooked by an oblivious press corps, and an able but wooden challenger with an inept staff and a play-doh running mate whose media narrative becomes hijacked for a week at the mention of lesbians.

Truly this was a contest of pure ideas, and the ideas of liberal America lost. How can the Democrats regain the country? By adopting fresh, new, bold ideas. Specifically, the ideas of the Republicans from about twenty years ago or so.

Your Platform: Equal rights, civil liberties, the separation of church and state, protecting and conserving the environment: these are bold, important, vital issues. The policies you hold on these are not merely critical to the soul of the Democratic Party, they are critical to the soul of America. Discard them all.

Your DNC Chairman: Some have suggested Howard Dean, but his radical-left ideas on fiscal responsibility, health care reform and relaxed gun control laws would never find a broad appeal. Some suggest it would be better to reach for a bold new tomorrow in Bill Clinton, who would bring to the party all the fresh new ideas of 1992 all over again. But to connect with "Red America" - to connect with the Heartland and the South - you'll need a Democrat who truly understands and connects with the Heartland and the South, and is prepared to put a "Southern face" on the party. The Medium Lobster nominates the mummified corpse of George Wallace.

Your God-talk: If you want to win the Heartland, you'll have to understand it's strange, foreign notion of "moral values" - values that are alien within your sodomy-ridden, fetus-eating Blue States. You'll have to do this by quoting the Bible - a difficult task, we know, as the average Democrat withers into dust upon touching a copy of the King James version, but if handled properly, with thick gloves and the proper counseling - the Medium Lobster understands that Steven Waldman is ready to lend a helping hand - you should manage to coax some Southern candidates, or perhaps even some Southern Black candidates! - to memorize a few passages (Note: you can steal them from hotels if you're not sure where to find a copy).

Learning to mix "God-talk" with "regular-talk" is critical because without this skill, communication with otherworldly "Red-Staters" is next to impossible. You even may attempt to sell a Red Stater a tax cut or a farm subsidy - something a Red Stater is genetically compelled to desire - and they will automatically reject it without a Biblical mandate. When explaining the few issues you have left, you'll need to couch them in simple, direct, "moral" terms, like in the example below. Remember, the intrinsic rights of man are out; the arbitrarily God-given rights of man are in!

When justifying gay marriage:
INCORRECT!: "Every American should be equal before the law."
LESS INCORRECT BUT STILL INCORRECT: "We are all God's children, and as we are equal in his sight, we should be equal before the law."
MORE CORRECT: "God says gay marriage is good."
CORRECT!: "And the Lord Jesus came down from the mountain and said unto Moses, verily, I command thee to be gay." With any luck they won't look it up.

Remember: this is your party. And you can only save it by rendering it unrecognizable and treating half of America as if it has a mental disease.

posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:41 PM

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