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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Jesse Taylor says he "doesn't see the basis for outrage" in couples deliberately remaining childless. Well, Giblets is outraged - and beyond! There is no word in the English lexicon that properly describes Giblets's fury, although a comparable word within German may be Logenbilgrerungen, or the venomous and explosive bile of the god of fire and volcanos! And the basis for outrage should be obvious: God needs your babies for his divine plan to end the world.
Sex as everybody knows is bad and icky and makes God cry. But he allows the horror of your genitals to exist because he needs them to make precious babies, whose sole purpose is to grow and breed yet more babies, who will breed more and more, filling the earth with a teeming locust-like swarm of young! The more babies there are, the more humans there are. The more humans there are, the faster they will consume and deplete our remaining natural resources and poison the atmosphere. The faster that happens, the faster the world ends... and then Jesus can come back! Jesus himself had over sixty children according to the Gospel of Shmark. He had 'em in litters. He had so many he ran outta names. He called the last bunch "Jesuses Two through Twelve." Jesus made that many babies. Do you see what you're doing, childless couples? By selfishly refusing to reproduce, you're saying you hate Jesus. And you're having filthy filthy non-babymaking sex in the meantime! In a more Christian country like Saudi Arabia they would have already removed your genitals for this. Giblets believes there must be some way to promote the desperately-needed lost art of babymaking, for example by producing instructional videos that show real couples making real babies - preferably young couples with large penises and breasts and a variety of supplemental equipment. Giblets pitched this idea to Dr. James Dobson of the Family Research Council but was rudely rebuffed. In the meantime Giblets has to try to make up for all the lost consumption our nation's unconceived babies will tragically never get around to. Giblets plans to spend most of today standing at a Sunoco station drinkin' gasoline from the pump. He urges all good God-fearing folk to join him.
posted by Giblets at 10:29 AM
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