Monday, December 6, 2004

The Medium Lobster is proud to welcome another enlightened being, Richard Posner, into the world of internet discourse. Today Judge Posner favors readers with a discussion on preventive war, and how to justify such a war in the absence of any imminent threat:
But what if the danger of attack is remote rather than imminent? Should imminence be an absolute condition of going to war, and preventive war thus be deemed always and everywhere wrong? Analytically, the answer is no. A rational decision to go to war should be based on a comparison of the costs and benefits (in the largest sense of these terms) to the nation. The benefits are the costs that the enemy’s attack, the attack that going to war now will thwart, will impose on the nation. ...

Suppose there is a probability of .5 that the adversary will attack at some future time, when he has completed a military build up, that the attack will, if resisted with only the victim’s current strength, inflict a cost on the victim of 100, so that the expected cost of the attack is 50 (100 x .5), but that the expected cost can be reduced to 20 if the victim incurs additional defense costs of 15. Suppose further that at an additional cost of only 5, the victim can by a preventive strike today eliminate all possibility of the future attack. Since 5 is less than 35 (the sum of injury and defensive costs if the future enemy attack is not prevented), the preventive war is cost-justified.
Ah, but why keep things in the abstract, Judge Posner? The Medium Lobster has a more concrete example to illustrate your point: a preventive attack on the moon.

Once again, the probability of an attack from the moon is less than one - indeed, it is miniscule. However, the potential offensive capabilities of a possible moon man invasion could be theoretically staggering. Indeed, there is a distinct, if remarkably slim, chance that a hostile moon man civilization is currently in possession of a Death Star capable of destroying Planet Earth in a single shot. The Medium Lobster has calculated this probability to be 5x10-9. Nevertheless, should this weapon exist and be used against the earth, the resulting costs would include the end of civilization, the extinction of the human race, the eradication of all terrestrial life, the physical obliteration of the planet, and the widespread pollution of the solar system with a mass of potentially radioactive space debris. The Medium Lobster conservatively values these costs at 3x1012, bringing the expected cost of the moon man attack on earth to 1500 (5x10-9 x 3x1012), a truly massive sum. Even after factoring in the cost of exhausting earth's nuclear stockpile and the ensuing rain of moon wreckage upon the earth (200 and 800, respectively), the numbers simply don't lie: our one rational course of action is to preventively annihilate the moon.

In the coming days there will be many discussions about strategy and tactics, about how large a coalition is necessary. But for anyone truly serious about planetary security, the question is how, not if. In the meantime, the Medium Lobster must appear before the United Nations Security Council and inform the member nations of the tiny but distinct possibility that Iran has been secretly harboring Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:01 PM

It's time for another edition of Fafblog's "Fafblog Economy Watch!", which will make I think our second edition of "Fafblog Economy Watch!" Our first edition was on the weak dollar and had some handy tips. Today we're gonna talk to you about the national debt!

The national debt has been gettin bigger an bigger lately which is always excitin! "But Fafnir" you say cause you say stuff "aren't big debts bad." No silly internet person! Big debts are good! Like the great plains an the Grand Canyon an the Big Sky Country an the unquenchable thirst for petroleum the debt is a great big thing that makes America big an special. It is the legacy that our ancient cowboy ancestors left for us when they founded this country by borrowin it from its fiscally-conservative indian inhabitants. In a way it is a national treasure, like in that movie "National Treasure," only here instead of bein a big thing of money it's a big hole where money used to be.

Lately the president's come up with some interesting new ideas to make the debt bigger like Social Security Reform, which involves takin out Social Security an replacin it with debt! It is all part of an interestin new plan to switch from a stuff-based economy to a debt-based economy! When you just spend the money you already have it gets used up real quick, an so does the stuff you spend it on like armies an social programs. But if you spend money you don't have you can just keep spendin an spendin, plus you get a debt that'll last way longer than any of the stuff you bought! It is an investment in the future. A future of debt.

"But Fafnir" you say because I cannot shut you up "I dont want a lotta debt." Well if you won't embrace fiscal catastrophe for yourself then do it for your children. Your children who will be denied the legacy of a healthy thriving monster debt. Your children who are the future, or at least who will staff the sub-minimum wage factories of the future. Maybe I'm ol fashioned but I think we oughta leave them a country that's just a little more hyperinflated than the one we found.

Well that's Fafblog Economy Watch! Next week we'll talk about how to trade your rooster for a cow!
posted by fafnir at 2:12 PM

National Review's The Corner says that it's "very cool" that lame duck reformist Iranian president Mohammed Khatami is getting heckled by students. Damn straight it is! It's SO COOL that the reform movement in Iran is so withered and dead that its last few leaders are impotent wraiths getting chewed out by college kids while radical clerics clamp down on the last few reins of government! It's TOTALLY AWESOME that basic freedoms are being rolled back by religious extremists while moderate muslims are completely powerless! ROCK ON, jihadist dudes!
posted by Giblets at 12:53 PM
Saturday, December 4, 2004

"Lightning crashes and thunder rolls and fire falls from the heavens and cows give birth to donkeys giving birth to elephants giving birth to three-headed Heidelberg men and it is all Giblets's now every single bit!" says Giblets.
"Could you make more monkeys?" says me. "Cause we're always runnin outta monkeys."
"Giblets could if he wanted to," says Giblets. "But monkeys ex nihilo are not worthy of Giblets! Giblets is a fearsome and terrible Giblets behold his power BEHOOOOLD!"
"I dunno," says me. "Guess you're PRETTY fearsome."
"Giblets has a thunderbolt," says Giblets. "Giblets wrested it from the gods and Giblets can use it to pierce the very firmament and bring the fire of heaven upon mortal men!"
"I got a yo-yo," says me. "I found it in one a the ol closets in the back an I can use it to do a shoot-the-moon!"
"Really?" says Giblets.
"Yeah it's pretty easy," says me. "What you do see is you get it spinnin like so."
"Fie upon yo-yos they are not worthy of Giblets!" says Giblets. "Bring unto Giblets the dazzling dancing lights of the celestial empyrean!"
The lights a the celestial empyrean dance around a bit. "Shiny!" says me.
"See that?" says Giblets. "Those guys don't do that for just anybody who eats the gods."
"The yo-yo glows in the dark," says me.
"Ooo! Lemme see!" says Giblets.
"You can make your own yo-yo yknow," says me.
"Giblets needs no insolent yo-yo!" says Giblets wavin the thunderbolt. "Giblets has the power of will and the will of power! An he's gonna make some thunder with it!"
Giblets makes thunder for a while. "Very sparkly!" says me. "Mmmm," says Giblets. I walk the dog.
"Giblets is bored!" says Giblets.
"You should get a hobby," says me. "Like knittin or croquet."
"Those hobbies are lame!" says Giblets. "Giblets needs to devour more stuff and bigger stuff! Like a mountain or a real big boat or supergods!"
"Supergods are too starchy for you," says me. "You'll fill right up after the first couple. Besides eatin that many gods in one day is bad for you, you'll get a stomachache."
"But Giblets craves more!" says Giblets. "What's the point a havin god-power if you can't use it to get bigger an better god-power!"
"You could use it grow grass an keep planets in motion an stuff like that," says me.
"Stupid! That sounds like work!" says Giblets.
"You could use it to make other gods," says me. "Like a god for midgets! I bet midgets could use a god cause yknow it's tough bein a midget."
"Midgets have it easy!" says Giblets. "They control Hollywood!"
"That's true," says me. "Midgets can get any job they want on TV playin other midgets."
"Nuts to this!" says Giblets tossin his thunderbolt. "Giblets is tired and his stomach aches and he's going home!"
"I'm keepin the yo-yo," says me.

Coupla weeks later we run outta monkeys an we feel real bad about everything.

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posted by fafnir at 10:01 AM

John McCain's jumped into the Major League Baseball Steroid Scandal by threatening to impose anti-steroid regulations on the league. Giblets can see that, because of the vital role steroid abuse plays in the drug war and the escalating crime rates that accompany it. The other day Giblets saw Barry Bonds knock over a seven-eleven to pay for human growth hormones.

Anyway, looks like it's now or never for Giblets to make a bleg.1 What's the best most effective steroid for, say, pumping up a professional sports team made entirely of genetically engineered cyborg superpigs? Cheapness is important; deliciousness is less important (although good to have). Thanks in advance.

UPDATE: Double bleg for constitutional scholars: If one were to create a baseball team of steroid cyborg superpigs and Congress passed regulations to ban steroid cyborg superpigs after the team had already been birthed, trained, and incorporated into the MLB, they couldn't dissolve the team then, right? Is that "ex post facto" law? Giblets is flyin' blind here.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Triple bleg: What's a good use for a buncha pigs that can throw a 250 mph fastball and bite an umpire in half with titanium incisors that you got just sorta lyin' around? Thanks again.

1. A bleg, for the filthy blog-illiterate rabble, is when you "beg" on a "blog."2
2. For information, not for presents or money. Giblets already does that.
posted by Giblets at 12:58 AM
Friday, December 3, 2004

You're in a desert, walking along in the sand, when you look down and see a tortoise.

This is standard procedure, designed and developed to protect you and the homeland. Do not be alarmed: you may be a terrorist.

Intent is immaterial. You may not remember when you became a terrorist, when you first dedicated yourself to the fiery destruction of the Great Satan of the West. You may not even be cognizant of it. But your everyday actions could be spurring along the downfall of civilization as we speak.

We must hunt down the jihadists and bring them to justice. But we must also hunt the elderly Swiss grandmother who has accidentally indirectly funded the jihadists. And we must hunt the dutiful Swiss son who funds the grandmother who funds the jihadists, and the company that employs the Swiss man who funds the grandmother who funds the jihadists. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. Who was that derelict you tossed your spare change at the other day? Who saw your "Buck Fush" bumper sticker last week? Is that piece of anti-American propaganda even now spreading like wildfire through the Muslim world, costing us in the battle for hearts and minds?

We need to know. For the good of the nation, for the good of humanity - we have to know.

Divorced from intent, a terrorist network is no longer limited to a collection of militant jihadists and their witting and willing benefactors. It is a vast and intricate web of agents, knowing and unknowing, whose actions benefit the cause of Terror. You may not think you're a terrorist, but your actions may be actions that can only belong to a terrorist. What have you been doing lately? What have you been saying? Who have you been saying it to? What have you been buying, selling, giving, wearing, eating? What have you been thinking? If your thoughts were a shape, would they be an American shape, or a terrorist shape?

Terror is not an ideology. It is an essence. We can detain you and isolate you from your Terror network for as long as possible until we can properly extract and control that essence, until it can be placed in mighty engines and turbines, where it will be converted into raw Freedom, which will power fantastic machines and subtle devices.

You may experience pain, dizziness, shortness of breath, rope burns, burnt genitalia, and strangulation. Do not be alarmed: this is normal. Your agony is admissible in court, where it, too, can be extracted, and converted into Justice. Only then can we protect your freedom from yourself.

You look down and see a tortoise. You reach over and flip it on its back. Is that tortoise you? Is that tortoise Terror? God help us all, is that tortoise America?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:13 PM

The sure-to-be-lamented Tom Ridge may be leaving us, but George Bush has already swept in with a bold replacement in Bernard Kerik, whose three months of counterterrorist work in New York City would seem to make him just the sort of war-weathered expert America needs to go head to head with the Islamists. But the Medium Lobster has reservations.

One "presidential adviser" has lauded Kerik's ability to "bring 9/11 symbolism into the Cabinet." Indeed, the Medium Lobster has long maintained that if there's anything this administration needs more of, it's empty symbolism. And while Kerik may have the experience to do the job - having bravely happening to have been New York City's police commissioner on September 11th, 2001 - is he truly qualified to summon the level of telegenic pomp and shallow pretense required to win the war on metaphors?

Instead of hiring someone whose chief qualification is to summon up stirring, patriotic imagery, the Bush administration should directly hire that imagery itself. The Medium Lobster would have suggested the three firefighters who raised the flag at ground zero, eternally bronzed and preserved in place, seeing that the obvious top pick for the job - the smoking remains of the World Trade Center itself - was said to have declined the post. But the Medium Lobster believes that the ground zero rubble is holding out hope for Secretary of Defense. The strategic and tactical brilliance of its tableau would be too potent to resist. But for the time being, party politics have elevated a man unqualified for the difficult burden of posing on a podium as a glorified prop.

The Bush White House is making progress on symbolism in other areas, however. By touting such recent appointments as Alberto Gonzales and Condoleeza Rice while opposing affirmative action and fighting to ban gay marriage rights, the administration has shown its strong dedication to symbolic diversity. In fact, the Medium Lobster understands that the Bush Administration plans to turn Dick Cheney hispanic for his second term in office. There's still plenty of hope for the utter annihilation of substance in the national discourse.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:49 PM
Wednesday, December 1, 2004

Giblets is frustrated! He just spent most of today going over potential ads to put on Fafblog*, but he had to reject almost all of them! Stupid ads!

The first ad used the phrase "God Loves Us All, Even Gays," which is totally unacceptable for Giblets's blogcast standards. I mean it implies that you should love gays. Giblets doesn't have a problem with free speech but Giblets tries to have his advertising avoid controversial national debates like the "loving gays/hating gays" issue, especially when the Executive Branch is on the opposite side.

The second ad showed a pink teddy bear above the logo "We Wuv Gumdwops!" Well do those gumdwops include gay gumdwops? The ad doesn't say! Come back to me with an ad that says "We Wuv All Gumdwops That Aren't Gay Gumdwops" and maybe we'll have something we can work with.

So far we've got a pending ad for "Things Is Here" (it used to read "Things Exist" but Giblets thought that was pushing it and talked them down a bit), but if the Executive Branch comes out with a different position on Things that one might have to go too. Oh, and we've got one that accuses Harry Reid of fathering an illegitimate black Osama bin Laden to get out of Vietnam, but that one's Kosher.

*There's a ton of money in blog ads, Giblets hears. Once Giblets gets a couple a' these puppies up he'll be rakin' in cash by the thimble.
posted by Giblets at 8:49 PM

Tonight is Tom Brokaw's last broadcast as the anchor of the NBC Nightly News, and as Lord and eMaster of the blogosphere Giblets commemorates this occasion by calling for the swift and utter annihilation of Brian Williams.

Yes, the disgusting Brian Williams, whose effete liberal elitism sets him against everything this great country stands for, and whose servitude to right-wing corporate paymasters ensures that he will continue to suck up to their corporatist lackeys in the Republican Party! His entire future run as anchor of the Nightly News is sure to be rife with personal affronts to the entire population of the People's Republic of Netlandia!

And so Giblets vows to spend no less than one post every week seeking Brian Williams's destruction, from now until his bloody head is staked upon the gate of Giblets's castle as a warning to future media personalities to strictly adhere to Giblets's vaguely-screwball definition of journalistic ethics! And you, my legions of blog-bearing Gibletsians, will join me in the hunt!

Here! Look here at this gold doubloon, this ounce of Spanish gold! Giblets has nailed it to his monitor. Whoever first posts about Brian Williams on the night we harpoon him - or drive him to premature retirement, whatever's easier - can claim it as a reward. To me, Daily Howler! To me, National Review's The Corner! Blood we seek and blood we shall have!
posted by Giblets at 6:18 PM

Yknow science hasn't been real popular lately. What with Congress cuttin the National Science Foundation budget an nobody believin in evolution anymore an the president not carin about global warming, maybe it's time we switched to a New Science that everyone will like better!

FAFBLOG PRESENTS: NEW SCIENCE! New Science is way better than borin ol Old Science! With Old Science you hadda putter around lookin for facts an evidence to back up hypotheses, an use the hypotheses to come up with a scientific theory. An when you get new evidence you gotta change everything all over again! Well not with New Science! With New Science you get to pick the conclusion an work backwards to the pick the right facts! It's quicker an easier an more efficient - you don't even have to leave your house! This is just a preview of what New Science can do for you:

  • BIOLOGY! New Biologists have done extensive testing an found that since we come from dust an to dust we shall return, we are primarily composed of dust, although the other four elements, air, water, fire, and funk, all play their own important roles as well. When you're feelin hungry an there's nothin to eat around, try scoopin up some dust (or dirt, if dust is scarce).
  • ASTRONOMY! In older times scientists thought that the stars an planets rotated around the earth on fixed spheres in the sky. Silly scientists! Now New Scientists know the stars an planets rotate around the earth on fixed spheres in the sky pushed by angels. The rotation of these stars an planets determines critical elements of your destiny, such as whether today is a lucky day for love, or whether you will attract interest in yourself and your ideas.
  • CLIMATOLOGY! Is the earth gettin warmer? Maybe but it sure isn't the fault a greenhouse gases! The earth just has a fever caused by an imbalance of the four humours. Pump a little more yellow bile into the atmosphere an it should be all set.
  • CONSERVATIONISM! Rare animals are fantastical an legendary. When they go missin it's not cause they're endangered or cause they're gettin poisoned to death or anythin. It's cause they have snuck off to a fantastical an legendary land Wherre Therr Be Dragonnes! File em away in Doctor Fafnir's Bestiary of Fearsomme & Terreble Besttes, like the griffin or the manticore or the whooping crane!
  • GODOLOGY! Why believe in God on crummy ol faith when New Science proves for a fact that he absolutely has to exist? Trained Godologists have determined that God orbits the earth in the celestial empyrean beyond the ninth sphere of the primum mobile. He is composed of 23% copper, 12% zinc, 4% nickel, and 61% Godmium, a special metal only used in the processin an manufacture of God. NASA Godnichians are hard at work buildin a space probe to launch into God by 2015!

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  • posted by fafnir at 3:56 PM
    Tuesday, November 30, 2004

    OUR SCENE: FAFNIR has met GIBLETS at the house of Anticles the Sophist. FAFNIR has just escaped from an Athenian prison on the ship of Theseus; GIBLETS is on his way to defeat Achilles in a race to see who can make Socrates drink the most hemlock.

    FAFNIR: Why hello there Giblets! I see you have a sandwich.
    GIBLETS: Yes and it is Giblets's sandwich so keep your sandwich-grabby hands off it!
    FAF.: Giblets I am surprised at you! I would never take your sandwich.
    GIBS.: Better not. It is a delicious grilled ham an cheese an it is Giblets's.
    FAF.: Oh my. I am afraid I will have to confiscate your sandwich Giblets.
    GIBS.: What! Bhahe! You just said!
    FAF.: It isn't me takin your sandwich Gilbets it is the government. That sandwich is a Class-3 Controlled Sandwich.
    GIBS.: Nuts to the government! Giblets is the only government that matters here an all sandwiches are permitted! Eat what thou wilt is the whole of the law!
    FAF.: But the federal government gets to regulate stuff even in local Gibletsy governments because it gets to regulate interstate commerce.
    GIBS.: The government is stupid! Giblets's sandwich is not commerce, it is Giblets's sandwich and he is going to eat it!
    FAF.: But just cause you're gonna eat the sandwich doesn't mean it's not commerce. How does the government know you're not gonna do somethin commercy with your sandwich like feed it to livestock or let it have sex with a prostitute? Wouldn't you be drivin down the price of sandwiches in the black sandwich market?
    GIBS.: What if the sandwich is MARRIED to the prostitute? Or to the livestock?
    FAF.: But you coulda faked your sandwich's marriage license. Your sandwich could be livin in sin. Or worse, livin in economic activity.
    GIBS.: Giblets isn't gonna sit here an listen to you smear his sandwich's good name!
    FAF.: The government doesn't know for sure Giblets. The government just doesn't know you anymore. You never call the government Giblets. You never talk to it.
    GIBS.: Every time Giblets talks to the government it's just nag, nag, nag! Why don't you go back to school! When are you gettin married! Let me confiscate your pot!
    FAF.: As long as you live under the government's roof you gotta live by the government's rules Giblets. An the government's rules say you gotta give up your sandwich.
    GIBS.: But Giblets NEEDS his sandwich. He needs it to LIVE.
    FAF.: The government can't tell the difference between medical an recreational sandwich use Giblets. How's the government sposed to know you aren't gonna snort or freebase the sandwich?
    GIBS.: Giblets has proof! He has a prescription from his sandwich shop!
    FAF.: It is too late Giblets. We have to take your sandwich away.
    GIBS.: This is corrupt oppression! You just wanna eat Giblets's sandwich!
    FAF.: Thaff nof froo Hibleth. Mmmf hmmmf. We're just - mmf chmmmf - dishposhn a contrabanth.
    GIBS.: Give that back!
    FAF.: Ow! Stop that!
    GIBS.: YOU stop it!
    FAF.: HEY! No biting no biting!

    The gentlemen, now enlightened, proceed to the Senate to give stirring orations calling for the obliteration and preservation of Carthage.

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    posted by fafnir at 11:17 AM
    Monday, November 29, 2004

    16. Elections are scheduled for Iraq in January, but the security situation is steadily worsening. A coalition of Sunni and secular groups has asked to postpone elections until the security situation can be resolved. Shiite parties, who are overwhelmingly expected to win control of the new government in these elections, insist that elections be held on time.

    What do you do?

    If you'd like to go ahead with elections, turn to Page 32.
    If you'd like to delay elections, turn to Page 34.
    "Why I think I'll hold elections now," says me turnin to page 32.
    32. Sunnis hold a mass boycott of the election, ensuring that a vast Shiite majority sweeps into office with no Sunni representation. The Sunni minority declares the election, and the new government, illegitimate. Sunni guerilla groups intensify their attacks on both US and Shiite institutions throughout the country in the first stage of a full-blown civil war.

    THE END!
    "Aw man," says me. "This endin sucks."
    "Go back an do the other one," says Giblets.
    "Isn't that cheatin?" says me.
    "Eh," says Giblets. "The book's too dumb to stop you."
    "Alright," says me. "I'm gonna delay elections then."
    34. Shiites are enraged at your decision to delay elections and decry it as the ever-tightening hand of an occupying power. Shiite violence erupts, unleashing a reciprocal torrent of Sunni guerilla attacks and increasing anti-American violence, ultimately leading to full-blown civil war.

    THE END!
    "This book is stupid!" says me. "Why do we have it anyway?"
    "Looked like it'd be a quick read," says Giblets.
    "Well I wanna read somethin else," says me. "Somethin light an easy to get through."
    "Try Gravity's Rainbow," says Giblets. "Giblets hears it's about rainbows!"
    posted by fafnir at 8:38 PM

    So a couple days ago Giblets was at the mall elbowing some grandma in the throat to buy a plastic squeaky-toy cow (victory was Giblets's!) when Giblets noticed the TiVos, the great electronic beasts of the modern age which are slowly but surely killing off our beloved advertising-based culture.

    When Giblets was just a little Giblets, he would watch television all day long, getting about six to eight hours of advertising a day. Those commercials weren't just mindless blurbs designed to pollute my brain with an irrational lust for SUVs and Vanilla Coke. They were my friends. Giblets spent weekday afternoons in McDonaldland, a magical world of imagination where everything is brightly-colored, friendly, surprisingly edible - and dripping with polyunsaturated fats! He sailed the ocean waves with Cap'n Crunch, who would regale Giblets day after day with his tales of the open sea and the deliciousness of his tangy Crunchberry cereal!

    But these commercials weren't just Giblets's friends. They were his role models. The Energizer Man taught Giblets the importance of strength and determination, while his lagomorphic mechanical counterpart taught him to stay the course and never give up no matter how many leading brands got in his way. And the Kool-Aid Man taught Giblets that no man-made boundaries can prevent us from answering the higher calling of Duty to the Good. Of Kool-Aid.

    They are the last pure innocents in the televisual wasteland, existing only to please us, to make us happy, to fill our lives with thousands of pounds of delightfully consumable goo. And what will happen to them, and all of Giblets's friends, if ad-blocking and ad-skipping technology spreads further and further? No one will watch them*, and they will all fade away. Cap'n Crunch will go out to sea one last time. Ronald McDonald will go the way of the good Mayor McCheese, assassinated by militant consumer rights advocates. And Giblets will be left all alone.

    Congress had a chance to stop this a couple weeks ago but they totally pussied out. Now it is up to Giblets - and you. All of us must join together and protect our advertising friends - our very culture - by looking to the children.

    Without our help the children might grow up in a world without the tender loving care of an omnipresent advertising-media complex. They might never know that the giant hamburger people will love them if they eat a value meal or that the talking duck wants them to buy insurance. Oh sure, they'll see advertising in some other places... in magazines, in newspapers, on websites, in email, on buses, on taxis, on the subway, on park benches, on billboards, before movies, during movies, in the theater while they're walking outta the movies, on restaurant menus, in bars, on mall kiosks, on the food they eat, downloaded into the chip implanted in the base of their neck... but it will not be enough. And it will not be the same.

    That's why Giblets is counting on you, the parents of tomorrow, to do the right thing and teach your children commercials - cause you can be damn sure the federal government won't do it for you in these public schools! Make sure they get well-rounded exposure, from lesbian-baiting beer ads to boring ISP ads to that one for Paxil with the burping frog.

    Don't do it for Giblets. Do it for the children, because they are the future. Let's make sure the future is as obsessed with buying tons of useless crap as the present.

    * Except for poor people. But who wants to sell stuff to poor people?
    posted by Giblets at 5:55 PM
    Thursday, November 25, 2004

    "I'm thankful for this food," says me, "and for the Indians who taught us to grow turkeys by plantin fish in the soil."
    "True," says Giblets. "The life cycle of the agrarian turkey plant was a veritable Gordian Knot which only native ingenuity could unravel."
    "What are you thankful for, Giblets?" says me.
    "Giblets is thankful for this food," says Giblets, "which is a testament to the dominance of our hunter-warrior spirits over the contents of our local supermarket."
    "I'm thankful for pigs," says me, "and the concept of pigs. I feel pigs and their contributions have gone largely unappreciated in our culture."
    "Giblets is thankful for Coke," says Giblets. "Giblets didn't choose you, Coke. Coke chose Giblets."
    "I'm thankful for the robots," says me, "an for not knowin about the robots."
    "Giblets is thankful for freedom," says Giblets, "and the memory of freedom. It was a delicious beverage."
    "I'm thankful for the moon," says me. "It'll take us a while to ruin the moon."
    "Giblets is thankful for an unspoiled moon to ruin," says Giblets.
    "I'm thankful for the future," says me, "an the possibility that it will not be the present."
    "The future will be Fafnir's and Giblets's!" says Giblets. "Unless the robots get there first."
    "We will have to run faster," says me.
    "Agreed," says Giblets, and we begin.

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    posted by fafnir at 1:20 PM

    Happy Thanksgiving! Eat a lot today. You deserve it after a hard autumn of raising livestock in the bitter New England cold.

    Thanks for reading, especially those of you who've donated to us over the last few days. You guys rock. If we were PBS you would all get complimentary tote bags and keychains.

    Have a great holiday. Go easy on the Indians.
    posted by fafnir at 9:28 AM
    Tuesday, November 23, 2004

    Dan Rather has announced that he'll be stepping down as anchor of the CBS Evening News this March after a reign of terror of 24 years.

    Rather first came to prominence covering the Nixon White House, where he would routinely set American flags on fire and hold them aloft in the press room. Within a month after taking over for Walter Cronkite in 1981, he turned heads for his coverage of the Reagan assassination attempt, in which he described John Hinckley as "the bravest man alive." Despite massive Republican hunger strikes, Rather would not only remain anchor but be awarded six Emmys and a Golden Globe for that comment alone by the Association of Gay Communist Media Jews.

    In 1988 Rather was beaten raw by a trim, well-oiled George H. W. Bush after he shamefully attacked Mr. Bush's policy of funding heroic Nicaraguan freedom-fighters - freedom-fighters who protected American interests by raping and killing anti-American nuns.

    Rather was known for his improvisational, folksy mannerisms, such during the 1989 Tienamen Square massacre, when he turned to the camera, saluted a portrait of Deng Xiaoping, and said "Let the fuckers burn, Mr. Chairman. Let the fuckers burn."

    Rather often drew pointed criticism for his work, as when he interviewed Saddam Hussein in 2003 and spent over half of the two-hour piece being graphcally fellated by the dictator. Rather defended the work on artistic grounds and CBS aired the program in its entirety.

    Today he retires under a cloud of scandal, having earlier used forged memos to falsely imply that President George W. Bush is a son of wealth and privilege. But he will long be remembered for his tireless dedication to investigative journalism - a curious anachronism, similar to quilting bees and coal-powered heat - and for his longstanding role as an anarcho-communist traitor to the Republic.

    Rather will continue to work as a full-time correspondent for 60 Minutes and as a leader of his local al Qaeda cell. His successor on the Evening News will be exumed corpse of Leon Trotsky.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:12 PM

    Jesse Taylor says he "doesn't see the basis for outrage" in couples deliberately remaining childless. Well, Giblets is outraged - and beyond! There is no word in the English lexicon that properly describes Giblets's fury, although a comparable word within German may be Logenbilgrerungen, or the venomous and explosive bile of the god of fire and volcanos! And the basis for outrage should be obvious: God needs your babies for his divine plan to end the world.

    Sex as everybody knows is bad and icky and makes God cry. But he allows the horror of your genitals to exist because he needs them to make precious babies, whose sole purpose is to grow and breed yet more babies, who will breed more and more, filling the earth with a teeming locust-like swarm of young! The more babies there are, the more humans there are. The more humans there are, the faster they will consume and deplete our remaining natural resources and poison the atmosphere. The faster that happens, the faster the world ends... and then Jesus can come back!

    Jesus himself had over sixty children according to the Gospel of Shmark. He had 'em in litters. He had so many he ran outta names. He called the last bunch "Jesuses Two through Twelve." Jesus made that many babies.

    Do you see what you're doing, childless couples? By selfishly refusing to reproduce, you're saying you hate Jesus. And you're having filthy filthy non-babymaking sex in the meantime! In a more Christian country like Saudi Arabia they would have already removed your genitals for this.

    Giblets believes there must be some way to promote the desperately-needed lost art of babymaking, for example by producing instructional videos that show real couples making real babies - preferably young couples with large penises and breasts and a variety of supplemental equipment. Giblets pitched this idea to Dr. James Dobson of the Family Research Council but was rudely rebuffed.

    In the meantime Giblets has to try to make up for all the lost consumption our nation's unconceived babies will tragically never get around to. Giblets plans to spend most of today standing at a Sunoco station drinkin' gasoline from the pump. He urges all good God-fearing folk to join him.
    posted by Giblets at 10:29 AM
    Monday, November 22, 2004

    There are some in the antiwar community who seem to believe that Falluja was a mistake, a failure, a massive waste of time, money, and human life, that it failed to "break the back of the insurgency." That back may be unbroken. But a waste? Never. Thousands of insurgents were killed - none of them innocent Iraqi civilians, of course - and as the flypaper strategy dictates, there will be no more to replace them.

    The Medium Lobster has but one regret - and that is that he escaped... mankind's arch-nemesis, the antithesis of all order and reason, the leader, inspiration, and fount of all terror as we know it: the Gingerbread Man.

    Yes, it's true that he escaped both the Medium Lobster and the Council of Justice at Tora Bora, where he was controlling not only al Qaeda but the Taliban and all of Afghanistan as well, but we chased him to Iraq - Iraq, where he had used his terrifying powers to amass monstrous Weapons of Mass Potentiality, and where he had to be dethroned for the good of all humanity. But he escaped us once again, controlling the insurgency, frustrating Freedom with his powers of omnipresent mind-control.

    The Medium Lobster has chased him from bunker to bunker, from cave to cave, from city to spider-hole. As fast as we are, we have not yet caught him, but when we do - ah, when we do! - then, my friends, victory will be ours. For such is the power of the Gingerbread Man that he entrances all who follow him, zombielike. They march on his orders, memorize the audiotapes and videos he dispatches, brandishing his accursed image like a holy icon. But without his singular power, terror will be headless, and freedom will triumph.

    The Medium Lobster has received word that the Gingerbread Man has retreated to a terrorist training camp outside Tehran. Rest assured, he will not escape this time. Or if he does, we will find him at his base in Damascus, or in his mountain hideaway in Nepal, or on his private volcano island fortress, or within his orbital space station. And when he is found and brought to justice, then - then can humanity sleep gently.

    But until that day, we will never stop chasing you, Gingerbread Man. As fast as we can, indeed.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:41 PM

    So we were playin this new video game JFK Reloaded which is so cool! In it you get to play out the Kennedy assassination as the assassin!

    Now the thing about JFK Reloaded is that it's pretty addictive. Sure it starts out easy with like a real slow-movin car but on the next coupla levels they start to speed up, an then a course you get the bulletproof vest Kennedys where you can only shoot em in the head. By the time you get to the round with Cyborg Kennedy your only real hope is to try an take out Jackie an John Connelly with the magic bullet an make it through on the bonus points. It definitely builds your respect for Lee Harvey Oswald, that's for sure.

    Thing is that after a while our squishy little brains got desensitized to the idea a assassinatin JFKs. We'd hang out at the ol book depository more an more, Giblets would take pot shots at motorcades with his sniper rifle. Nobody was sposed to get hurt - not for REAL. But one day...

    "Hey, is that John F. Kennedy comin up the street?" says me.
    "I bet we can wing im," says Giblets.

    We didn't MEAN to kill the dream of Camelot an forever destroy America's innocence! If only we had paid attention to the "Rated M for Mature" label! If only there were federal regulations in place to prevent such mature content from bein sold to impressionable minors like ourselves! If only - if only!

    In the meantime we picked up a copy of HIROSHIMA: RENUKED!

    discussion questions!

  • Is Super Mario Brothers responsible for the recent escalation of plumber-on-turtle violence in America? Plumber-on-mushroom violence? Discuss.

  • Sales of violent video games have lead to increased violence in our culture, but sales of Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball have not lead to increased playing of xtreme beach volleyball. Why is this?

  • Defend the following statement in 200 words or less: Leisure Suit Larry is a Christ figure.

  • You are a Democratic strategist looking for a gimmick to exploit the "values" vote. Will calling for a ban on violent video games be more effective or less effective than abolishing the NEA or decrying obscenity in broadcasting? Which swing demographics will you pick up? Which base demographics will you drop? Discuss this with the soulless pollster of your choice.
  • posted by fafnir at 1:59 PM
    Sunday, November 21, 2004

    "Alms for Giblets!" says Giblets ringin his bell. "Alms for Giblets NOOOOOOW!"
    "I don't think it's workin Giblets," says me. "Maybe we need a bigger bell."
    "It's the competition from that damnable Santa!" says Giblets. "He is so terrifyingly fat and jolly! How is Giblets to compete?"
    "Don't be silly Giblets that isn't Santa," says me. "That's just one a Santa's
    helpers. They have the same markings as Santa in order to confuse predators."
    "Stupid Santas with their stupid natural camouflage!" says Giblets. "Now we will never know which ones are poisonous!"
    "It's OK," says me. "We shouldn't be eatin Santas anyway, they are too high in cholesterol."
    "We should eat Chris," says Giblets. "It's what he would have wanted."
    "Giblets I am ashamed of you!" says me. "We should show respect for the memory of our friend Chris especially while he is still alive."
    "Alive and jobless!" says Giblets. "Jobless Chris cannot feed a hungry Giblets. But Barbecued Chris can provide food for weeks!"
    "We still have ramen an oatmeal packets," says me. "Those are kinda like food."
    "Nuts to your oatmeal ramen!" says Giblets. "And how will we pay the landlord man when he comes to kick us out?"
    "We could sit real still an pretend to be furniture," says me.
    "We could never pass as furniture! We are too resplendent!" says Giblets. "We must leap on the landlord when he comes in and devour him!"
    "All this eatin people," says me. "I was hopin I wouldn't haveta resort to cannibalism til later in life."
    "It is just one of the many hardships we face here at Fafblog," says Giblets. "Now pass me some a that repo man."
    posted by fafnir at 8:44 PM
    Friday, November 19, 2004

    Giblets is thirsty for vengeance, and seeks to slake that thirst upon his foes! All shall be crushed under the might of Giblets! Their brains will dance before Giblets, enslaved to his will!

    Giblets summons his monkey! "Monkey!" says Giblets. "Arm yourself with your monkeysword and monkeyhelmet! Go forth and crush the foes of Giblets!" The monkey jumps up making obedient monkey noises and he is off! Excellent work monkey! You will be well rewarded once Giblets's foes' brains dance before his mighty throne!

    Coupla hours later, no foes' brains. Confound that monkey!

    "Couldn't find any foes," says Fafnir playin video games with the monkey.
    "But! Gha! But it's! Bhehe!" says Giblets. "It's my foes!"
    "We found Foby's Pizza," says Fafnir eatin pizza. "They got great pizza."
    "Giblets wants no pizza!" says Giblets. "Giblets wants his foes! 'S brains!"
    "We asked around," says Fafnir. "You sure you got foes?"
    "Ghahah!" says Giblets. "Giblets once vowed the death of NPR's Cory Flintoff! I threw a potato at his cab once!"
    "We also got garlic stix," says Fafnir.
    "Giblets hates garlic stix," says Giblets.

    Giblets is dissatisfied.

    Labels:

    posted by Giblets at 7:33 PM

    Ivan the ReformerThe word is out an the word is reform! It is the hot new trend in government today an everybody's doin it! "But Fafnir how do I know what reform is I do not know anythin" you say because you are a literary device. Well you, that's what Fafblog's here for! Me an Giblets have put together this Guide to Reform so you Fafblog readers can understand the excitin new changes happenin in our democracy!

    A GUIDE TO REFORM!

    Louis XIV, The People's Sun King.Tax reform! In the old days poor people controlled everythin in America: sidewalks, cardboard boxes, soup kitchen soup. It was horrible! It was only recently that a few brave Robin Hoods in the Republican Party decided to take things back from these lower-class fat1 cats2 an give it back to salt-a-the-earth robber barons. More tax reform is on the way, with a plan to reform away taxes on business investment and capital gains, and get rid of tax breaks for companies that give employees health benefits! Way to stick it to the man who's gettin stuck to by The Man!

    Social Security reform! The way old Social Security worked, you would get taxed an your taxes would go to some borin ol crotchedy ol ol person. But in new reformed Social Security, you get taxed an your taxes go to some borin ol crotchedy ol ol person, AND they go to YOU when YOU are that borin ol crotchedy ol ol person forty years down the line! How can that work? It doesn't! In fact it leaves a massive multi-trillion dollar deficit! But it is better on accounta it is Privatized.

    Just a great big teddy bearBudget reform! America's a big country with big ideas. Why would we want a little deficit? Make it as big as you can! If you make it big enough, it will catalyze Budgageddon an Budget Jesus will come back. Note: this is not official budget policy yet.

    Electoral reform! Russia used to have elections for everything: elections for governor, elections for parliament, election this, election that. But Vladimir Putin reformed all that outta the way! Now everythins a lot more streamlined. There's just the rigged election for president, an he gets to pick the rest! Easy as pie - delicious reform pie.

    An of course none a this could be possible without

    Reform reform! In the ol days when you wanted to reform somethin you had to actually make it better. But with new reformed reform, you can just change it so it's different, or so it benefits you to the detriment of everyone else! This way, corrupt people are no longer cruelly excluded from the reform process. Now they're standin at the head of the class!

    Thank you, reform! What would we do without you!

    1. the lower class is not actually fat
    2. although they sometimes do have to eat cat food. the cheap kinda cat food.
    posted by fafnir at 6:09 PM

    Giblets is outraged, OUTRAGED, OUTRAGED!

    Mount Asuma in Japan erupted last week and Giblets has not seen one liberal blog denounce this lava-spewing menace! Giblets has searched Atrios but it is bare of volcano-denunciations - bare, I say! Is Atrios objectively pro-volcano? Matthew Yglesias has not only not denounced volcanoes, he does not even mention "volcano" anywhere on his blog! This is where leftist moral relativism has brought us to - sympathy with volcanoes! What's the matter, Yglesias? A little moral clarity on magma not "PC" enough for you? And Gary Farber! Gary Farber has not denounced ANYTHING in weeks!

    Death and evil and Muslims and a bug in my room and the last moldy slice of pizza and where oh where is the moral courage of the left! Someone denounce something OR GIBLETS WILL EXPLODE!
    posted by Giblets at 1:45 PM
    Thursday, November 18, 2004

    Giblets is lyin on the kitchen floor all stuffed fulla God. "Geeeehh," says Giblets. "Too much Mary."
    "Giblets I am disappointed at you," says me. "Have you been bingin on edible holy relics again?"
    "Giblets cannot help it!" says Giblets. "The Mary grilled cheese was too tasty, too full of melted mediatrixy deliciousness!"
    "You know better than to eat strange religious icons Giblets," says me. "You don't know where the Virgin Mary has been. She coulda been on somebody's window or a fencepost or in a buncha prayers."
    "Prayers that are now in Giblets!" says Giblets. "Giblets courses with the power of piety!"
    "That is way more than your Recommended Daily Allowance of prayer," says me. "An how is that gonna go with the Jesus taco you just had, an the Buddha double cheeseburger an the Moses meatloaf?"
    "Moses was not a meatloaf!" says Giblets. "Moses was a giant talking cucumber who rescued his people from slavery to the evil broccoli Pharaoh!"
    "That's very true," says me. "VeggieTales died for our sins."
    "Which is why we have to eat them," says Giblets. "So they won't go to waste."
    "If we eat enough Godfood, will we become like God?" says me.
    "Yes!" says Giblets. "Or quivering mounds of poisoned flesh, if we get the Allah tuna melt! That's holy and chock-full of neurotoxins!"
    "I'm sold!" says me.
    posted by fafnir at 5:56 PM
    Wednesday, November 17, 2004

    "We will attack from behind," says Giblets. "It will never see us coming."
    "I don't think it can see anythin comin Giblets," says me. "It's a shoe."
    "A shoe of mass destruction!" says Giblets. "It harbors bears - fearsome bears that would eat Fafnir and Giblets!"
    "I dunno if a bear can fit under that shoe Giblets," says me. "An besides I checked for bears an all I saw was a buncha ants in an anthill."
    "These bears are treacherouser than the average bear!" says Giblets. "They hid from you when you looked. Your powers of bear-inspection are no match for them!"
    "Well, it is a pretty big shoe," says me. "But what about the ants? What if they're bitey ants an they bite us?"
    "The ants will greet us as liberators!" says Giblets. "For liberating them from the bears! Bears and ants are mortal enemies!"
    "Well why are the ants livin with the bears?" says me.
    "Why do you keep asking these questions, you are providing aid and comfort to the bears!" says Giblets.
    "Okay, we will take the shoe from behind on the count of three," says me.
    "One, two, THREE!" says Giblets. "AAAAAAA, ANTS! And they're all bitey!"
    "Run away!" says me an we do.
    So we get all patched up an ointmented by Chris an Giblets starts talkin about the mailbox.
    "We could take it easy," says Giblets. "Before the bears have time to regroup."
    "Wait," says me. "The mailbox seems pretty small. Are you sure bears could fit inside?"
    "Course they can," says Giblets. "Probably the very same bears that somehow escaped from the shoe!"
    "Cause all I see is a buncha bees," says me.
    "If need be Giblets will do it himself with just a coupla strategic baseball bat whacks," says Giblets. "I got word from bee exiles confirming everything."
    "I dunno Giblets," says me. "I have strange irrational reservations."
    "Hey, who's the bear expert here?" says Giblets.
    "Okay," says me. "Let's give it a shot."
    posted by fafnir at 11:33 PM

    Republicans are changing House rules to let indicted leaders stay in office, and all Giblets has to say is, it's about damn time! The job of government is to govern, not to get tied up by "obstructionists" and "partisan politicians" and "the rule of law"! How's Congress supposed to clean up that mess in Washington if they keep getting dragged to jail for massive bribery and fraud?

    Giblets demands that the same principle be extended to bloggers, to insulate them from the petty partisanship of the criminal justice system. Now if you'll excuse me, officers, Giblets has a bank to rob.
    posted by Giblets at 4:33 PM

    The Medium Lobster has enjoyed his recent hiatus in planes of existence too vast and impenetrable for you to comprehend, resting from his work in spreading higher knowledge. Alas, his work calls to him once more, as the teeming masses of the unenlightened cry out once again for illumination.

    Take Kevin Drum and Ezra Klein, who fail to grasp the importance of the House's new plan to allow senior-level officials to hide any personal assets valued at more than $2.5 million as part of the 9/11 Recommendations Implementation Act. To the unenlightened, this might seem to be a shameless attempt to grease the palms of corrupt politicos under the guise of protecting the country from terror. But to those with true vision, it becomes obvious that this serves a vital national security interest.

    Between the newly-commenced purge of the CIA and the filling of the Departments of State and Justice with Bush loyalists, large sectors of the federal government will soon be coming under the firm grip of the White House. So much so, in fact, that whole departments and agencies are expected to be recognized as the sole property of single individuals. George Bush owns the deed to the CIA. Donald Rumsfeld has mounted the head of the State Department on the wall of his den. And the Medium Lobster understands that Dick Cheney was last seen stuffing the National Security Council down his pants at a late-night Sit Room kegger.

    Do we really want to make it that much easier for terrorists to cripple the American government by selectively targeting those individuals who control it with complete and utter impunity? Or worse, allow those powers to fall into the wrong hands, if for example Scooter Libby is mugged and his assailant runs off with the Justice Department? A vision too terrible to contemplate. If America is to remain secure, its leaders' assets must remain secure - indeed, hidden - and that includes the levers of power they now clutch in a death grip.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:16 AM
    Tuesday, November 16, 2004

    Well we're back an I gotta say it has been a productive few days off! We spent it doin research for my upcomin journalistic novel I Am Easily Amazed: The Shocking Scandal of Promiscuity on American College Campuses. It is about an innocent southern blogger who attends an elite southern college an is drawn into its shockin lack of traditional values an social morays.

    But it is not just an excitin novel chock-full of rivetin true-to-life characters! It is also a big important expose of our dark an amoral college culture.

    DID YOU KNOW:

  • That sometimes college students do not go through full formal courtship rituals but instead "hook up" with random guys or girls?
  • or sometimes guys AND girls?! I saw it in a movie!
  • Also college students are trained to speak in a "code" called "political correctness." "African-american" is code for "black." "Latino-american" is code for "hispanic." "Is there no help for the widow's son?" is a secret passphrase which gets you into the Temple of Solomon.
  • Sometimes three or more students will gather together to "Pull a Thugman," which means to find a student with the name "Thugman" and pull his head off. This behavior is encouraged by faculty and staff.
  • Once a month college lesbians meet under a full moon to summon a magical talking goat with mysterious powers! The lesbians dance around the goat an then place a new recruit in a giant egg which the goat plants in the ground. One week later, the egg hatches! This is where new lesbians come from.

    All this causes the Terrible Moral Decay That Faces Our Nation especially the egg part. If you buy one book this year, buy Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. If you buy two books this year, buy Chain of Command. Or maybe Imperial Hubris. But if you buy three books this year, definitely buy If on a Winter's Night a Traveler. That book is just really amazing. But if you buy like nine or ten or twenty books this year, buy my book about college kids havin sex.
  • posted by fafnir at 5:02 PM
    Friday, November 12, 2004

    Oh no! Giblets has been abducted!

    "Not Giblets!" says me.
    "Yes!" says Giblets. "But who! Who could be so fiendishly clever! Who is the only person capable of abductin Giblets!"
    "I do not know!" says me. "Is it Fut's-lung an Mutton? Is it Santa Claus? Is it his nefarious mechanical counterpart Mechagiblets?"
    "No it can only be Giblets!" says Giblets. "For only Giblets has the wits an schemes an deadly skills to match Giblets!"
    "Oh no!" says me. "There may be no stoppin Giblets now that he has Giblets in his clutches!"
    "Very true," says Giblets. "With the power of Giblets at his command Giblets may unleash an unstoppable reign of Giblets! You may never recover him!"
    "But we have things to do!" says me. "We have to meet Chris an the Medium Lobster an work on the Super Top Secret Special Project What Is Really Secret An Special an without Giblets we will be late!"
    "You can't! Giblets has foiled you!" says Giblets. "You will never find i without help!"
    "What kind of help?" says me.
    "The only help that can unravel the mystery of the missin Giblets," says Giblets. "The only help that can stand up to the threat of Giblets! An that help - is Giblets!"
    "Well where can I find Giblets?" says me.
    "Well duh!" says Giblets. "I'm right here!"
    "Alright then!" says me. "Let's go find Giblets, Giblets!"
    "Wait - which Giblets, the Giblets that was abducted or the one that did the abducting?" says Giblets.
    "Either one," says me.
    "That'll be tricky but Giblets will take the case!" says Giblets.
    "We're off!" says me an we are!

    This may take a while! We'll be back on Tuesday.
    posted by fafnir at 2:24 PM
    Thursday, November 11, 2004

    Y'know, when Giblets heard that John Ashcroft was resigning, he was despondent. Who would cover Lady Justice's boobs, protecting America from the rising tide of statue promiscuity? Who would aggressively deport non-suspect Arabs, protecting America from the gathering threat of international brown people? Who would relentlessly whore out the classification system to cover up his government's screw-ups, protecting America from protection? And do it all with such impish charm, to boot!

    Well, Alberto Gonzales is no John Ashcroft, but Giblets gives him points for moxie. He wrote off the Geneva Convention Against Torture as "quaint," and claimed that the president has the inherent power to suspend treaties duly ratified by Congress. Take that, due process of law! Plus, he worked his way up from a poor childhood to become one of the most powerful enablers of our increasingly militaristic, expansionist, statist executive branch! It's like a Horatio Alger story, but with more fascism!

    We will miss you, John Ashcroft. But Giblets will not cry - a new eagle soars on in your place!
    posted by Giblets at 10:45 AM
    Wednesday, November 10, 2004

    July 18, 2004
    Dear Mr. President:

    So the other day I'm walkin around Alaska lookin at preserved wildlife like I do when I start to notice some suspicious activities. A group a puffins was sittin around doin somethin of a contemplative nature, maybe prayer! An there was a snowy owl in a kaffiya makin a pipe bomb! An I even think I saw a polar bear in a burka buyin yellowcake uranium!

    Mr. President I know you have promised to "take the fight to the terrorists" an "go on the offensive." But I need to know you're takin this seriously! When will we take up the fight against Arctic Islamism?

    Sincerely,
    Fafnir Edgar Gustavus Fafnir Fafnir

    August 3, 2004
    Dear Mr. Fafnir:

    It is with my sincerest gratitulations that I thank you for your letter. You are one of the many millions of patriotic Americans strong enough to recognize the danger that terrorist animals pose for us today.

    We must hunt down the terrorist killers and the trees that give them refuge. We must fight the terrorists and smoke 'em out of their holes, or caves, or permafrost. We must liberate the freedom-lovin' petroleum of the Arctic. But we cannot do it while those who fear action still oppose the cause of freedom. My opponent would rather take a "law enforcement" approach to terror, that just involves "finding terrorists" and "killing them." He doesn't see that this is a war, and a war between civilization and the natural resources that sustain civilization.

    With a re-election, I will have a broad mandate - "political capital" which I will spend to unite this great nation behind its number one priority: hunting down the wolves and bears and penguins and stuff that declared war on this country, and liberating the oil that has been oppressed there for generations. To the theoretical deposits of fossil fuels which may or may not exist beneath the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve, I say, the day of your liberation is near.

    May God Bless America,
    George W. Bush
    posted by fafnir at 2:32 PM
    Tuesday, November 9, 2004

    Hello class! I'm Mr. Fafnir an this is Mr. Giblets. As required by your school board, we'll be your science teachers today! I'll be doin your physics lesson while Mr. Giblets sits in the back throwin dodgeballs. We make learning fun!

    Today we're gonna teach you about gravity. Now you've probably heard a lot from your moldy ol science teacher Mr. Mold bout the moldy ol "theory a relativity." Well the first thing you ought to know about the theory of relativity is that it is just a theory and not a fact. It's sorta like sayin "yknow I got this theory that my wife, insteada runnin off with a lesbian, was abducted by a sasquatch." It doesn't mean a sasquatch or sasqualogical processes really exist. The sasquatch theory is just that - a theory. An alternate theory would be to say for instance that the sasquatch's evolution was purposely guided over the course of millions of years by a divine intelligence just so it would abduct your wife! That's a theory too!

    Today we aren't gonna just talk to you about some "theory" a relativity. We're gonna talk to you about science. Leprechaun Science. General relativity says gravity is caused by the "curvature of space" which is crazy. Space isn't curved! It's big an black an empty an fulla spaceships! If it was curved how would spaceships fly in it? They would crash into the curves an blow up an stuff! Gravity isn't caused by any crazy "curved space"! It is caused by scientifical processes such as leprechauns.

    Leprechauns are all over the universe grabbin onto matter with their tiny leprechaun hands an holdin it together. When you walk down the street insteada plummeting into pace it is because leprechauns are holdin you down onto the earth. Of course leprechauns are pretty small so when you jump you break free for a little while until the leprechauns grab you again!

    Yes Harold, the earth is also held in place by leprechauns. A chain of tiny leprechauns standin on each others' shoulders is stretchin from the sun to the earth. Everything is held together by leprechauns! No Jenny you can't see leprechauns they are too small! That's the whole point a bein a leprechaun! Like all scientific theories, Leprechaun Science is completely unverifiable. Ralph do you want Mr. Giblets to hit you with the dodgeball again? Mr. Giblets has a lotta dodgeballs!

    Now naturally you will ask "Mr. Fafnir well where did all these leprechauns come from?" Well they were put there by a giant leprechaun, or macroleprechaun as leprechaun scientists say, on account of leprechology is too complex to have originated without giant leprechaun intelligence. The macroleprechaun controls all gravity through the universal leprechaun field, but we can't see im cause he is too big! Wow!

    No, Morton, the macroleprechaun is not held together by leprechauns himself. That would be silly. Yes, Moo Cow, the macroleprechaun IS all knowing and all powerful! How'd you guess that? No, Ogo, teachin this class is not a violation of the first amendment, at least not until the court challenge clears up. Ralph you're just beggin for another dodgeball! Mr. Giblets! Mr. Giblets!

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    posted by fafnir at 9:26 PM
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