Tuesday, November 30, 2004

OUR SCENE: FAFNIR has met GIBLETS at the house of Anticles the Sophist. FAFNIR has just escaped from an Athenian prison on the ship of Theseus; GIBLETS is on his way to defeat Achilles in a race to see who can make Socrates drink the most hemlock.

FAFNIR: Why hello there Giblets! I see you have a sandwich.
GIBLETS: Yes and it is Giblets's sandwich so keep your sandwich-grabby hands off it!
FAF.: Giblets I am surprised at you! I would never take your sandwich.
GIBS.: Better not. It is a delicious grilled ham an cheese an it is Giblets's.
FAF.: Oh my. I am afraid I will have to confiscate your sandwich Giblets.
GIBS.: What! Bhahe! You just said!
FAF.: It isn't me takin your sandwich Gilbets it is the government. That sandwich is a Class-3 Controlled Sandwich.
GIBS.: Nuts to the government! Giblets is the only government that matters here an all sandwiches are permitted! Eat what thou wilt is the whole of the law!
FAF.: But the federal government gets to regulate stuff even in local Gibletsy governments because it gets to regulate interstate commerce.
GIBS.: The government is stupid! Giblets's sandwich is not commerce, it is Giblets's sandwich and he is going to eat it!
FAF.: But just cause you're gonna eat the sandwich doesn't mean it's not commerce. How does the government know you're not gonna do somethin commercy with your sandwich like feed it to livestock or let it have sex with a prostitute? Wouldn't you be drivin down the price of sandwiches in the black sandwich market?
GIBS.: What if the sandwich is MARRIED to the prostitute? Or to the livestock?
FAF.: But you coulda faked your sandwich's marriage license. Your sandwich could be livin in sin. Or worse, livin in economic activity.
GIBS.: Giblets isn't gonna sit here an listen to you smear his sandwich's good name!
FAF.: The government doesn't know for sure Giblets. The government just doesn't know you anymore. You never call the government Giblets. You never talk to it.
GIBS.: Every time Giblets talks to the government it's just nag, nag, nag! Why don't you go back to school! When are you gettin married! Let me confiscate your pot!
FAF.: As long as you live under the government's roof you gotta live by the government's rules Giblets. An the government's rules say you gotta give up your sandwich.
GIBS.: But Giblets NEEDS his sandwich. He needs it to LIVE.
FAF.: The government can't tell the difference between medical an recreational sandwich use Giblets. How's the government sposed to know you aren't gonna snort or freebase the sandwich?
GIBS.: Giblets has proof! He has a prescription from his sandwich shop!
FAF.: It is too late Giblets. We have to take your sandwich away.
GIBS.: This is corrupt oppression! You just wanna eat Giblets's sandwich!
FAF.: Thaff nof froo Hibleth. Mmmf hmmmf. We're just - mmf chmmmf - dishposhn a contrabanth.
GIBS.: Give that back!
FAF.: Ow! Stop that!
GIBS.: YOU stop it!
FAF.: HEY! No biting no biting!

The gentlemen, now enlightened, proceed to the Senate to give stirring orations calling for the obliteration and preservation of Carthage.

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posted by fafnir at 11:17 AM
Monday, November 29, 2004

16. Elections are scheduled for Iraq in January, but the security situation is steadily worsening. A coalition of Sunni and secular groups has asked to postpone elections until the security situation can be resolved. Shiite parties, who are overwhelmingly expected to win control of the new government in these elections, insist that elections be held on time.

What do you do?

If you'd like to go ahead with elections, turn to Page 32.
If you'd like to delay elections, turn to Page 34.
"Why I think I'll hold elections now," says me turnin to page 32.
32. Sunnis hold a mass boycott of the election, ensuring that a vast Shiite majority sweeps into office with no Sunni representation. The Sunni minority declares the election, and the new government, illegitimate. Sunni guerilla groups intensify their attacks on both US and Shiite institutions throughout the country in the first stage of a full-blown civil war.

THE END!
"Aw man," says me. "This endin sucks."
"Go back an do the other one," says Giblets.
"Isn't that cheatin?" says me.
"Eh," says Giblets. "The book's too dumb to stop you."
"Alright," says me. "I'm gonna delay elections then."
34. Shiites are enraged at your decision to delay elections and decry it as the ever-tightening hand of an occupying power. Shiite violence erupts, unleashing a reciprocal torrent of Sunni guerilla attacks and increasing anti-American violence, ultimately leading to full-blown civil war.

THE END!
"This book is stupid!" says me. "Why do we have it anyway?"
"Looked like it'd be a quick read," says Giblets.
"Well I wanna read somethin else," says me. "Somethin light an easy to get through."
"Try Gravity's Rainbow," says Giblets. "Giblets hears it's about rainbows!"
posted by fafnir at 8:38 PM

So a couple days ago Giblets was at the mall elbowing some grandma in the throat to buy a plastic squeaky-toy cow (victory was Giblets's!) when Giblets noticed the TiVos, the great electronic beasts of the modern age which are slowly but surely killing off our beloved advertising-based culture.

When Giblets was just a little Giblets, he would watch television all day long, getting about six to eight hours of advertising a day. Those commercials weren't just mindless blurbs designed to pollute my brain with an irrational lust for SUVs and Vanilla Coke. They were my friends. Giblets spent weekday afternoons in McDonaldland, a magical world of imagination where everything is brightly-colored, friendly, surprisingly edible - and dripping with polyunsaturated fats! He sailed the ocean waves with Cap'n Crunch, who would regale Giblets day after day with his tales of the open sea and the deliciousness of his tangy Crunchberry cereal!

But these commercials weren't just Giblets's friends. They were his role models. The Energizer Man taught Giblets the importance of strength and determination, while his lagomorphic mechanical counterpart taught him to stay the course and never give up no matter how many leading brands got in his way. And the Kool-Aid Man taught Giblets that no man-made boundaries can prevent us from answering the higher calling of Duty to the Good. Of Kool-Aid.

They are the last pure innocents in the televisual wasteland, existing only to please us, to make us happy, to fill our lives with thousands of pounds of delightfully consumable goo. And what will happen to them, and all of Giblets's friends, if ad-blocking and ad-skipping technology spreads further and further? No one will watch them*, and they will all fade away. Cap'n Crunch will go out to sea one last time. Ronald McDonald will go the way of the good Mayor McCheese, assassinated by militant consumer rights advocates. And Giblets will be left all alone.

Congress had a chance to stop this a couple weeks ago but they totally pussied out. Now it is up to Giblets - and you. All of us must join together and protect our advertising friends - our very culture - by looking to the children.

Without our help the children might grow up in a world without the tender loving care of an omnipresent advertising-media complex. They might never know that the giant hamburger people will love them if they eat a value meal or that the talking duck wants them to buy insurance. Oh sure, they'll see advertising in some other places... in magazines, in newspapers, on websites, in email, on buses, on taxis, on the subway, on park benches, on billboards, before movies, during movies, in the theater while they're walking outta the movies, on restaurant menus, in bars, on mall kiosks, on the food they eat, downloaded into the chip implanted in the base of their neck... but it will not be enough. And it will not be the same.

That's why Giblets is counting on you, the parents of tomorrow, to do the right thing and teach your children commercials - cause you can be damn sure the federal government won't do it for you in these public schools! Make sure they get well-rounded exposure, from lesbian-baiting beer ads to boring ISP ads to that one for Paxil with the burping frog.

Don't do it for Giblets. Do it for the children, because they are the future. Let's make sure the future is as obsessed with buying tons of useless crap as the present.

* Except for poor people. But who wants to sell stuff to poor people?
posted by Giblets at 5:55 PM
Thursday, November 25, 2004

"I'm thankful for this food," says me, "and for the Indians who taught us to grow turkeys by plantin fish in the soil."
"True," says Giblets. "The life cycle of the agrarian turkey plant was a veritable Gordian Knot which only native ingenuity could unravel."
"What are you thankful for, Giblets?" says me.
"Giblets is thankful for this food," says Giblets, "which is a testament to the dominance of our hunter-warrior spirits over the contents of our local supermarket."
"I'm thankful for pigs," says me, "and the concept of pigs. I feel pigs and their contributions have gone largely unappreciated in our culture."
"Giblets is thankful for Coke," says Giblets. "Giblets didn't choose you, Coke. Coke chose Giblets."
"I'm thankful for the robots," says me, "an for not knowin about the robots."
"Giblets is thankful for freedom," says Giblets, "and the memory of freedom. It was a delicious beverage."
"I'm thankful for the moon," says me. "It'll take us a while to ruin the moon."
"Giblets is thankful for an unspoiled moon to ruin," says Giblets.
"I'm thankful for the future," says me, "an the possibility that it will not be the present."
"The future will be Fafnir's and Giblets's!" says Giblets. "Unless the robots get there first."
"We will have to run faster," says me.
"Agreed," says Giblets, and we begin.

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posted by fafnir at 1:20 PM

Happy Thanksgiving! Eat a lot today. You deserve it after a hard autumn of raising livestock in the bitter New England cold.

Thanks for reading, especially those of you who've donated to us over the last few days. You guys rock. If we were PBS you would all get complimentary tote bags and keychains.

Have a great holiday. Go easy on the Indians.
posted by fafnir at 9:28 AM
Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Dan Rather has announced that he'll be stepping down as anchor of the CBS Evening News this March after a reign of terror of 24 years.

Rather first came to prominence covering the Nixon White House, where he would routinely set American flags on fire and hold them aloft in the press room. Within a month after taking over for Walter Cronkite in 1981, he turned heads for his coverage of the Reagan assassination attempt, in which he described John Hinckley as "the bravest man alive." Despite massive Republican hunger strikes, Rather would not only remain anchor but be awarded six Emmys and a Golden Globe for that comment alone by the Association of Gay Communist Media Jews.

In 1988 Rather was beaten raw by a trim, well-oiled George H. W. Bush after he shamefully attacked Mr. Bush's policy of funding heroic Nicaraguan freedom-fighters - freedom-fighters who protected American interests by raping and killing anti-American nuns.

Rather was known for his improvisational, folksy mannerisms, such during the 1989 Tienamen Square massacre, when he turned to the camera, saluted a portrait of Deng Xiaoping, and said "Let the fuckers burn, Mr. Chairman. Let the fuckers burn."

Rather often drew pointed criticism for his work, as when he interviewed Saddam Hussein in 2003 and spent over half of the two-hour piece being graphcally fellated by the dictator. Rather defended the work on artistic grounds and CBS aired the program in its entirety.

Today he retires under a cloud of scandal, having earlier used forged memos to falsely imply that President George W. Bush is a son of wealth and privilege. But he will long be remembered for his tireless dedication to investigative journalism - a curious anachronism, similar to quilting bees and coal-powered heat - and for his longstanding role as an anarcho-communist traitor to the Republic.

Rather will continue to work as a full-time correspondent for 60 Minutes and as a leader of his local al Qaeda cell. His successor on the Evening News will be exumed corpse of Leon Trotsky.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:12 PM

Jesse Taylor says he "doesn't see the basis for outrage" in couples deliberately remaining childless. Well, Giblets is outraged - and beyond! There is no word in the English lexicon that properly describes Giblets's fury, although a comparable word within German may be Logenbilgrerungen, or the venomous and explosive bile of the god of fire and volcanos! And the basis for outrage should be obvious: God needs your babies for his divine plan to end the world.

Sex as everybody knows is bad and icky and makes God cry. But he allows the horror of your genitals to exist because he needs them to make precious babies, whose sole purpose is to grow and breed yet more babies, who will breed more and more, filling the earth with a teeming locust-like swarm of young! The more babies there are, the more humans there are. The more humans there are, the faster they will consume and deplete our remaining natural resources and poison the atmosphere. The faster that happens, the faster the world ends... and then Jesus can come back!

Jesus himself had over sixty children according to the Gospel of Shmark. He had 'em in litters. He had so many he ran outta names. He called the last bunch "Jesuses Two through Twelve." Jesus made that many babies.

Do you see what you're doing, childless couples? By selfishly refusing to reproduce, you're saying you hate Jesus. And you're having filthy filthy non-babymaking sex in the meantime! In a more Christian country like Saudi Arabia they would have already removed your genitals for this.

Giblets believes there must be some way to promote the desperately-needed lost art of babymaking, for example by producing instructional videos that show real couples making real babies - preferably young couples with large penises and breasts and a variety of supplemental equipment. Giblets pitched this idea to Dr. James Dobson of the Family Research Council but was rudely rebuffed.

In the meantime Giblets has to try to make up for all the lost consumption our nation's unconceived babies will tragically never get around to. Giblets plans to spend most of today standing at a Sunoco station drinkin' gasoline from the pump. He urges all good God-fearing folk to join him.
posted by Giblets at 10:29 AM
Monday, November 22, 2004

There are some in the antiwar community who seem to believe that Falluja was a mistake, a failure, a massive waste of time, money, and human life, that it failed to "break the back of the insurgency." That back may be unbroken. But a waste? Never. Thousands of insurgents were killed - none of them innocent Iraqi civilians, of course - and as the flypaper strategy dictates, there will be no more to replace them.

The Medium Lobster has but one regret - and that is that he escaped... mankind's arch-nemesis, the antithesis of all order and reason, the leader, inspiration, and fount of all terror as we know it: the Gingerbread Man.

Yes, it's true that he escaped both the Medium Lobster and the Council of Justice at Tora Bora, where he was controlling not only al Qaeda but the Taliban and all of Afghanistan as well, but we chased him to Iraq - Iraq, where he had used his terrifying powers to amass monstrous Weapons of Mass Potentiality, and where he had to be dethroned for the good of all humanity. But he escaped us once again, controlling the insurgency, frustrating Freedom with his powers of omnipresent mind-control.

The Medium Lobster has chased him from bunker to bunker, from cave to cave, from city to spider-hole. As fast as we are, we have not yet caught him, but when we do - ah, when we do! - then, my friends, victory will be ours. For such is the power of the Gingerbread Man that he entrances all who follow him, zombielike. They march on his orders, memorize the audiotapes and videos he dispatches, brandishing his accursed image like a holy icon. But without his singular power, terror will be headless, and freedom will triumph.

The Medium Lobster has received word that the Gingerbread Man has retreated to a terrorist training camp outside Tehran. Rest assured, he will not escape this time. Or if he does, we will find him at his base in Damascus, or in his mountain hideaway in Nepal, or on his private volcano island fortress, or within his orbital space station. And when he is found and brought to justice, then - then can humanity sleep gently.

But until that day, we will never stop chasing you, Gingerbread Man. As fast as we can, indeed.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:41 PM

So we were playin this new video game JFK Reloaded which is so cool! In it you get to play out the Kennedy assassination as the assassin!

Now the thing about JFK Reloaded is that it's pretty addictive. Sure it starts out easy with like a real slow-movin car but on the next coupla levels they start to speed up, an then a course you get the bulletproof vest Kennedys where you can only shoot em in the head. By the time you get to the round with Cyborg Kennedy your only real hope is to try an take out Jackie an John Connelly with the magic bullet an make it through on the bonus points. It definitely builds your respect for Lee Harvey Oswald, that's for sure.

Thing is that after a while our squishy little brains got desensitized to the idea a assassinatin JFKs. We'd hang out at the ol book depository more an more, Giblets would take pot shots at motorcades with his sniper rifle. Nobody was sposed to get hurt - not for REAL. But one day...

"Hey, is that John F. Kennedy comin up the street?" says me.
"I bet we can wing im," says Giblets.

We didn't MEAN to kill the dream of Camelot an forever destroy America's innocence! If only we had paid attention to the "Rated M for Mature" label! If only there were federal regulations in place to prevent such mature content from bein sold to impressionable minors like ourselves! If only - if only!

In the meantime we picked up a copy of HIROSHIMA: RENUKED!

discussion questions!

  • Is Super Mario Brothers responsible for the recent escalation of plumber-on-turtle violence in America? Plumber-on-mushroom violence? Discuss.

  • Sales of violent video games have lead to increased violence in our culture, but sales of Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball have not lead to increased playing of xtreme beach volleyball. Why is this?

  • Defend the following statement in 200 words or less: Leisure Suit Larry is a Christ figure.

  • You are a Democratic strategist looking for a gimmick to exploit the "values" vote. Will calling for a ban on violent video games be more effective or less effective than abolishing the NEA or decrying obscenity in broadcasting? Which swing demographics will you pick up? Which base demographics will you drop? Discuss this with the soulless pollster of your choice.
  • posted by fafnir at 1:59 PM
    Sunday, November 21, 2004

    "Alms for Giblets!" says Giblets ringin his bell. "Alms for Giblets NOOOOOOW!"
    "I don't think it's workin Giblets," says me. "Maybe we need a bigger bell."
    "It's the competition from that damnable Santa!" says Giblets. "He is so terrifyingly fat and jolly! How is Giblets to compete?"
    "Don't be silly Giblets that isn't Santa," says me. "That's just one a Santa's
    helpers. They have the same markings as Santa in order to confuse predators."
    "Stupid Santas with their stupid natural camouflage!" says Giblets. "Now we will never know which ones are poisonous!"
    "It's OK," says me. "We shouldn't be eatin Santas anyway, they are too high in cholesterol."
    "We should eat Chris," says Giblets. "It's what he would have wanted."
    "Giblets I am ashamed of you!" says me. "We should show respect for the memory of our friend Chris especially while he is still alive."
    "Alive and jobless!" says Giblets. "Jobless Chris cannot feed a hungry Giblets. But Barbecued Chris can provide food for weeks!"
    "We still have ramen an oatmeal packets," says me. "Those are kinda like food."
    "Nuts to your oatmeal ramen!" says Giblets. "And how will we pay the landlord man when he comes to kick us out?"
    "We could sit real still an pretend to be furniture," says me.
    "We could never pass as furniture! We are too resplendent!" says Giblets. "We must leap on the landlord when he comes in and devour him!"
    "All this eatin people," says me. "I was hopin I wouldn't haveta resort to cannibalism til later in life."
    "It is just one of the many hardships we face here at Fafblog," says Giblets. "Now pass me some a that repo man."
    posted by fafnir at 8:44 PM
    Friday, November 19, 2004

    Giblets is thirsty for vengeance, and seeks to slake that thirst upon his foes! All shall be crushed under the might of Giblets! Their brains will dance before Giblets, enslaved to his will!

    Giblets summons his monkey! "Monkey!" says Giblets. "Arm yourself with your monkeysword and monkeyhelmet! Go forth and crush the foes of Giblets!" The monkey jumps up making obedient monkey noises and he is off! Excellent work monkey! You will be well rewarded once Giblets's foes' brains dance before his mighty throne!

    Coupla hours later, no foes' brains. Confound that monkey!

    "Couldn't find any foes," says Fafnir playin video games with the monkey.
    "But! Gha! But it's! Bhehe!" says Giblets. "It's my foes!"
    "We found Foby's Pizza," says Fafnir eatin pizza. "They got great pizza."
    "Giblets wants no pizza!" says Giblets. "Giblets wants his foes! 'S brains!"
    "We asked around," says Fafnir. "You sure you got foes?"
    "Ghahah!" says Giblets. "Giblets once vowed the death of NPR's Cory Flintoff! I threw a potato at his cab once!"
    "We also got garlic stix," says Fafnir.
    "Giblets hates garlic stix," says Giblets.

    Giblets is dissatisfied.

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    posted by Giblets at 7:33 PM

    Ivan the ReformerThe word is out an the word is reform! It is the hot new trend in government today an everybody's doin it! "But Fafnir how do I know what reform is I do not know anythin" you say because you are a literary device. Well you, that's what Fafblog's here for! Me an Giblets have put together this Guide to Reform so you Fafblog readers can understand the excitin new changes happenin in our democracy!

    A GUIDE TO REFORM!

    Louis XIV, The People's Sun King.Tax reform! In the old days poor people controlled everythin in America: sidewalks, cardboard boxes, soup kitchen soup. It was horrible! It was only recently that a few brave Robin Hoods in the Republican Party decided to take things back from these lower-class fat1 cats2 an give it back to salt-a-the-earth robber barons. More tax reform is on the way, with a plan to reform away taxes on business investment and capital gains, and get rid of tax breaks for companies that give employees health benefits! Way to stick it to the man who's gettin stuck to by The Man!

    Social Security reform! The way old Social Security worked, you would get taxed an your taxes would go to some borin ol crotchedy ol ol person. But in new reformed Social Security, you get taxed an your taxes go to some borin ol crotchedy ol ol person, AND they go to YOU when YOU are that borin ol crotchedy ol ol person forty years down the line! How can that work? It doesn't! In fact it leaves a massive multi-trillion dollar deficit! But it is better on accounta it is Privatized.

    Just a great big teddy bearBudget reform! America's a big country with big ideas. Why would we want a little deficit? Make it as big as you can! If you make it big enough, it will catalyze Budgageddon an Budget Jesus will come back. Note: this is not official budget policy yet.

    Electoral reform! Russia used to have elections for everything: elections for governor, elections for parliament, election this, election that. But Vladimir Putin reformed all that outta the way! Now everythins a lot more streamlined. There's just the rigged election for president, an he gets to pick the rest! Easy as pie - delicious reform pie.

    An of course none a this could be possible without

    Reform reform! In the ol days when you wanted to reform somethin you had to actually make it better. But with new reformed reform, you can just change it so it's different, or so it benefits you to the detriment of everyone else! This way, corrupt people are no longer cruelly excluded from the reform process. Now they're standin at the head of the class!

    Thank you, reform! What would we do without you!

    1. the lower class is not actually fat
    2. although they sometimes do have to eat cat food. the cheap kinda cat food.
    posted by fafnir at 6:09 PM

    Giblets is outraged, OUTRAGED, OUTRAGED!

    Mount Asuma in Japan erupted last week and Giblets has not seen one liberal blog denounce this lava-spewing menace! Giblets has searched Atrios but it is bare of volcano-denunciations - bare, I say! Is Atrios objectively pro-volcano? Matthew Yglesias has not only not denounced volcanoes, he does not even mention "volcano" anywhere on his blog! This is where leftist moral relativism has brought us to - sympathy with volcanoes! What's the matter, Yglesias? A little moral clarity on magma not "PC" enough for you? And Gary Farber! Gary Farber has not denounced ANYTHING in weeks!

    Death and evil and Muslims and a bug in my room and the last moldy slice of pizza and where oh where is the moral courage of the left! Someone denounce something OR GIBLETS WILL EXPLODE!
    posted by Giblets at 1:45 PM
    Thursday, November 18, 2004

    Giblets is lyin on the kitchen floor all stuffed fulla God. "Geeeehh," says Giblets. "Too much Mary."
    "Giblets I am disappointed at you," says me. "Have you been bingin on edible holy relics again?"
    "Giblets cannot help it!" says Giblets. "The Mary grilled cheese was too tasty, too full of melted mediatrixy deliciousness!"
    "You know better than to eat strange religious icons Giblets," says me. "You don't know where the Virgin Mary has been. She coulda been on somebody's window or a fencepost or in a buncha prayers."
    "Prayers that are now in Giblets!" says Giblets. "Giblets courses with the power of piety!"
    "That is way more than your Recommended Daily Allowance of prayer," says me. "An how is that gonna go with the Jesus taco you just had, an the Buddha double cheeseburger an the Moses meatloaf?"
    "Moses was not a meatloaf!" says Giblets. "Moses was a giant talking cucumber who rescued his people from slavery to the evil broccoli Pharaoh!"
    "That's very true," says me. "VeggieTales died for our sins."
    "Which is why we have to eat them," says Giblets. "So they won't go to waste."
    "If we eat enough Godfood, will we become like God?" says me.
    "Yes!" says Giblets. "Or quivering mounds of poisoned flesh, if we get the Allah tuna melt! That's holy and chock-full of neurotoxins!"
    "I'm sold!" says me.
    posted by fafnir at 5:56 PM
    Wednesday, November 17, 2004

    "We will attack from behind," says Giblets. "It will never see us coming."
    "I don't think it can see anythin comin Giblets," says me. "It's a shoe."
    "A shoe of mass destruction!" says Giblets. "It harbors bears - fearsome bears that would eat Fafnir and Giblets!"
    "I dunno if a bear can fit under that shoe Giblets," says me. "An besides I checked for bears an all I saw was a buncha ants in an anthill."
    "These bears are treacherouser than the average bear!" says Giblets. "They hid from you when you looked. Your powers of bear-inspection are no match for them!"
    "Well, it is a pretty big shoe," says me. "But what about the ants? What if they're bitey ants an they bite us?"
    "The ants will greet us as liberators!" says Giblets. "For liberating them from the bears! Bears and ants are mortal enemies!"
    "Well why are the ants livin with the bears?" says me.
    "Why do you keep asking these questions, you are providing aid and comfort to the bears!" says Giblets.
    "Okay, we will take the shoe from behind on the count of three," says me.
    "One, two, THREE!" says Giblets. "AAAAAAA, ANTS! And they're all bitey!"
    "Run away!" says me an we do.
    So we get all patched up an ointmented by Chris an Giblets starts talkin about the mailbox.
    "We could take it easy," says Giblets. "Before the bears have time to regroup."
    "Wait," says me. "The mailbox seems pretty small. Are you sure bears could fit inside?"
    "Course they can," says Giblets. "Probably the very same bears that somehow escaped from the shoe!"
    "Cause all I see is a buncha bees," says me.
    "If need be Giblets will do it himself with just a coupla strategic baseball bat whacks," says Giblets. "I got word from bee exiles confirming everything."
    "I dunno Giblets," says me. "I have strange irrational reservations."
    "Hey, who's the bear expert here?" says Giblets.
    "Okay," says me. "Let's give it a shot."
    posted by fafnir at 11:33 PM

    Republicans are changing House rules to let indicted leaders stay in office, and all Giblets has to say is, it's about damn time! The job of government is to govern, not to get tied up by "obstructionists" and "partisan politicians" and "the rule of law"! How's Congress supposed to clean up that mess in Washington if they keep getting dragged to jail for massive bribery and fraud?

    Giblets demands that the same principle be extended to bloggers, to insulate them from the petty partisanship of the criminal justice system. Now if you'll excuse me, officers, Giblets has a bank to rob.
    posted by Giblets at 4:33 PM

    The Medium Lobster has enjoyed his recent hiatus in planes of existence too vast and impenetrable for you to comprehend, resting from his work in spreading higher knowledge. Alas, his work calls to him once more, as the teeming masses of the unenlightened cry out once again for illumination.

    Take Kevin Drum and Ezra Klein, who fail to grasp the importance of the House's new plan to allow senior-level officials to hide any personal assets valued at more than $2.5 million as part of the 9/11 Recommendations Implementation Act. To the unenlightened, this might seem to be a shameless attempt to grease the palms of corrupt politicos under the guise of protecting the country from terror. But to those with true vision, it becomes obvious that this serves a vital national security interest.

    Between the newly-commenced purge of the CIA and the filling of the Departments of State and Justice with Bush loyalists, large sectors of the federal government will soon be coming under the firm grip of the White House. So much so, in fact, that whole departments and agencies are expected to be recognized as the sole property of single individuals. George Bush owns the deed to the CIA. Donald Rumsfeld has mounted the head of the State Department on the wall of his den. And the Medium Lobster understands that Dick Cheney was last seen stuffing the National Security Council down his pants at a late-night Sit Room kegger.

    Do we really want to make it that much easier for terrorists to cripple the American government by selectively targeting those individuals who control it with complete and utter impunity? Or worse, allow those powers to fall into the wrong hands, if for example Scooter Libby is mugged and his assailant runs off with the Justice Department? A vision too terrible to contemplate. If America is to remain secure, its leaders' assets must remain secure - indeed, hidden - and that includes the levers of power they now clutch in a death grip.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:16 AM
    Tuesday, November 16, 2004

    Well we're back an I gotta say it has been a productive few days off! We spent it doin research for my upcomin journalistic novel I Am Easily Amazed: The Shocking Scandal of Promiscuity on American College Campuses. It is about an innocent southern blogger who attends an elite southern college an is drawn into its shockin lack of traditional values an social morays.

    But it is not just an excitin novel chock-full of rivetin true-to-life characters! It is also a big important expose of our dark an amoral college culture.

    DID YOU KNOW:

  • That sometimes college students do not go through full formal courtship rituals but instead "hook up" with random guys or girls?
  • or sometimes guys AND girls?! I saw it in a movie!
  • Also college students are trained to speak in a "code" called "political correctness." "African-american" is code for "black." "Latino-american" is code for "hispanic." "Is there no help for the widow's son?" is a secret passphrase which gets you into the Temple of Solomon.
  • Sometimes three or more students will gather together to "Pull a Thugman," which means to find a student with the name "Thugman" and pull his head off. This behavior is encouraged by faculty and staff.
  • Once a month college lesbians meet under a full moon to summon a magical talking goat with mysterious powers! The lesbians dance around the goat an then place a new recruit in a giant egg which the goat plants in the ground. One week later, the egg hatches! This is where new lesbians come from.

    All this causes the Terrible Moral Decay That Faces Our Nation especially the egg part. If you buy one book this year, buy Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. If you buy two books this year, buy Chain of Command. Or maybe Imperial Hubris. But if you buy three books this year, definitely buy If on a Winter's Night a Traveler. That book is just really amazing. But if you buy like nine or ten or twenty books this year, buy my book about college kids havin sex.
  • posted by fafnir at 5:02 PM
    Friday, November 12, 2004

    Oh no! Giblets has been abducted!

    "Not Giblets!" says me.
    "Yes!" says Giblets. "But who! Who could be so fiendishly clever! Who is the only person capable of abductin Giblets!"
    "I do not know!" says me. "Is it Fut's-lung an Mutton? Is it Santa Claus? Is it his nefarious mechanical counterpart Mechagiblets?"
    "No it can only be Giblets!" says Giblets. "For only Giblets has the wits an schemes an deadly skills to match Giblets!"
    "Oh no!" says me. "There may be no stoppin Giblets now that he has Giblets in his clutches!"
    "Very true," says Giblets. "With the power of Giblets at his command Giblets may unleash an unstoppable reign of Giblets! You may never recover him!"
    "But we have things to do!" says me. "We have to meet Chris an the Medium Lobster an work on the Super Top Secret Special Project What Is Really Secret An Special an without Giblets we will be late!"
    "You can't! Giblets has foiled you!" says Giblets. "You will never find i without help!"
    "What kind of help?" says me.
    "The only help that can unravel the mystery of the missin Giblets," says Giblets. "The only help that can stand up to the threat of Giblets! An that help - is Giblets!"
    "Well where can I find Giblets?" says me.
    "Well duh!" says Giblets. "I'm right here!"
    "Alright then!" says me. "Let's go find Giblets, Giblets!"
    "Wait - which Giblets, the Giblets that was abducted or the one that did the abducting?" says Giblets.
    "Either one," says me.
    "That'll be tricky but Giblets will take the case!" says Giblets.
    "We're off!" says me an we are!

    This may take a while! We'll be back on Tuesday.
    posted by fafnir at 2:24 PM
    Thursday, November 11, 2004

    Y'know, when Giblets heard that John Ashcroft was resigning, he was despondent. Who would cover Lady Justice's boobs, protecting America from the rising tide of statue promiscuity? Who would aggressively deport non-suspect Arabs, protecting America from the gathering threat of international brown people? Who would relentlessly whore out the classification system to cover up his government's screw-ups, protecting America from protection? And do it all with such impish charm, to boot!

    Well, Alberto Gonzales is no John Ashcroft, but Giblets gives him points for moxie. He wrote off the Geneva Convention Against Torture as "quaint," and claimed that the president has the inherent power to suspend treaties duly ratified by Congress. Take that, due process of law! Plus, he worked his way up from a poor childhood to become one of the most powerful enablers of our increasingly militaristic, expansionist, statist executive branch! It's like a Horatio Alger story, but with more fascism!

    We will miss you, John Ashcroft. But Giblets will not cry - a new eagle soars on in your place!
    posted by Giblets at 10:45 AM
    Wednesday, November 10, 2004

    July 18, 2004
    Dear Mr. President:

    So the other day I'm walkin around Alaska lookin at preserved wildlife like I do when I start to notice some suspicious activities. A group a puffins was sittin around doin somethin of a contemplative nature, maybe prayer! An there was a snowy owl in a kaffiya makin a pipe bomb! An I even think I saw a polar bear in a burka buyin yellowcake uranium!

    Mr. President I know you have promised to "take the fight to the terrorists" an "go on the offensive." But I need to know you're takin this seriously! When will we take up the fight against Arctic Islamism?

    Sincerely,
    Fafnir Edgar Gustavus Fafnir Fafnir

    August 3, 2004
    Dear Mr. Fafnir:

    It is with my sincerest gratitulations that I thank you for your letter. You are one of the many millions of patriotic Americans strong enough to recognize the danger that terrorist animals pose for us today.

    We must hunt down the terrorist killers and the trees that give them refuge. We must fight the terrorists and smoke 'em out of their holes, or caves, or permafrost. We must liberate the freedom-lovin' petroleum of the Arctic. But we cannot do it while those who fear action still oppose the cause of freedom. My opponent would rather take a "law enforcement" approach to terror, that just involves "finding terrorists" and "killing them." He doesn't see that this is a war, and a war between civilization and the natural resources that sustain civilization.

    With a re-election, I will have a broad mandate - "political capital" which I will spend to unite this great nation behind its number one priority: hunting down the wolves and bears and penguins and stuff that declared war on this country, and liberating the oil that has been oppressed there for generations. To the theoretical deposits of fossil fuels which may or may not exist beneath the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve, I say, the day of your liberation is near.

    May God Bless America,
    George W. Bush
    posted by fafnir at 2:32 PM
    Tuesday, November 9, 2004

    Hello class! I'm Mr. Fafnir an this is Mr. Giblets. As required by your school board, we'll be your science teachers today! I'll be doin your physics lesson while Mr. Giblets sits in the back throwin dodgeballs. We make learning fun!

    Today we're gonna teach you about gravity. Now you've probably heard a lot from your moldy ol science teacher Mr. Mold bout the moldy ol "theory a relativity." Well the first thing you ought to know about the theory of relativity is that it is just a theory and not a fact. It's sorta like sayin "yknow I got this theory that my wife, insteada runnin off with a lesbian, was abducted by a sasquatch." It doesn't mean a sasquatch or sasqualogical processes really exist. The sasquatch theory is just that - a theory. An alternate theory would be to say for instance that the sasquatch's evolution was purposely guided over the course of millions of years by a divine intelligence just so it would abduct your wife! That's a theory too!

    Today we aren't gonna just talk to you about some "theory" a relativity. We're gonna talk to you about science. Leprechaun Science. General relativity says gravity is caused by the "curvature of space" which is crazy. Space isn't curved! It's big an black an empty an fulla spaceships! If it was curved how would spaceships fly in it? They would crash into the curves an blow up an stuff! Gravity isn't caused by any crazy "curved space"! It is caused by scientifical processes such as leprechauns.

    Leprechauns are all over the universe grabbin onto matter with their tiny leprechaun hands an holdin it together. When you walk down the street insteada plummeting into pace it is because leprechauns are holdin you down onto the earth. Of course leprechauns are pretty small so when you jump you break free for a little while until the leprechauns grab you again!

    Yes Harold, the earth is also held in place by leprechauns. A chain of tiny leprechauns standin on each others' shoulders is stretchin from the sun to the earth. Everything is held together by leprechauns! No Jenny you can't see leprechauns they are too small! That's the whole point a bein a leprechaun! Like all scientific theories, Leprechaun Science is completely unverifiable. Ralph do you want Mr. Giblets to hit you with the dodgeball again? Mr. Giblets has a lotta dodgeballs!

    Now naturally you will ask "Mr. Fafnir well where did all these leprechauns come from?" Well they were put there by a giant leprechaun, or macroleprechaun as leprechaun scientists say, on account of leprechology is too complex to have originated without giant leprechaun intelligence. The macroleprechaun controls all gravity through the universal leprechaun field, but we can't see im cause he is too big! Wow!

    No, Morton, the macroleprechaun is not held together by leprechauns himself. That would be silly. Yes, Moo Cow, the macroleprechaun IS all knowing and all powerful! How'd you guess that? No, Ogo, teachin this class is not a violation of the first amendment, at least not until the court challenge clears up. Ralph you're just beggin for another dodgeball! Mr. Giblets! Mr. Giblets!

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 9:26 PM
    Saturday, November 6, 2004

    Giblets grows tired and bored, and desires entertainment. The fine entertainment of the lute!

    Giblets summons his monkey. "Monkey!" says Giblets. "Bring me my lute and play it for me!" The monkey leaps off to do Giblets's bidding! What a splendid monkey! What a fine execution of Giblets's will!

    The monkey comes back with a fiddle. "Monkey what is this!" says Giblets. "Giblets demanded lutes, not fiddles!" The monkey makes monkey noises. Accursed monkey! To the lute-room!

    "Lute's broken," says Fafnir.
    "But it's! Bheeeh! But it's my lute!" says Giblets.
    "You sat on it last week," says Fafnir.
    "But I! Bheheh! But it's! Bhaha!" says Giblets.
    "We got a fiddle," says Fafnir. "An a fife."
    "Nuts to your fife!" says Giblets.

    Giblets is dissatisfied.

    Labels:

    posted by Giblets at 5:19 PM

    This is a lonely pie. It's sittin all by itself in some old forgotten corner a some old forgotten truck stop with just a napkin an a plate to keep it company. It makes like it's waitin for somebody but you know it's not. This pie has nowhere to go. This is a pie that the world has left behind.

    An you're feelin pretty bad for the pie so maybe you go up to it a little, make some small talk like "How's it goin pie" or "What kinda fillin you got there" or "I'm made a flour an Crisco too!" but the pie doesn't say much. The pie's not used to talkin to strangers. It has lead a solitary life. A life of walkin the rails an ridin the desert wind an joustin with rogue samurai.

    Maybe you'll have a bite or two of the pie. Maybe you'll say a couple things after. You won't really remember em an the pie won't either. It'll just head on back to its cab an ride the cold lonely road again after a couple glances back in the rain. That's life. That's pie.

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 4:34 PM

    With the Democrats crushed under a monster landslide defeat of nearly three percentage points, the time has come to ask the inevitable question: is this the end? Is the Democratic Party doomed to oblivion? Has it lost all appeal outside its tiny, shrinking base of half the American populace? The answer, quite sadly, is yes... unless it follows the sage advice of the Medium Lobster, and quickly.

    Why did Democrats lose the election? Clearly, this loss couldn't have come as a result of the strategic and tactical masterminds behind Kerry-Edwards '04, whose cunning political maneuvering, clear message, and deft counter to every shameless smear from the Bush camp kept their candidates shining in the sun from March through November. Nor could it have been affected by the negligence of the modern news media, which remained a hawklike watchman of democracy, quick to counter every rumor, baseless allegation and outright lie from GOP operatives not with mere fact-checking but with the sullen and lifeless talking points of Donna Brazille.

    Indeed, in no prior election has the playing field been so level for a fight between a wartime president whose endless incompetence is repeatedly masked by a top-notch media team and overlooked by an oblivious press corps, and an able but wooden challenger with an inept staff and a play-doh running mate whose media narrative becomes hijacked for a week at the mention of lesbians.

    Truly this was a contest of pure ideas, and the ideas of liberal America lost. How can the Democrats regain the country? By adopting fresh, new, bold ideas. Specifically, the ideas of the Republicans from about twenty years ago or so.

  • Your Platform: Equal rights, civil liberties, the separation of church and state, protecting and conserving the environment: these are bold, important, vital issues. The policies you hold on these are not merely critical to the soul of the Democratic Party, they are critical to the soul of America. Discard them all.

  • Your DNC Chairman: Some have suggested Howard Dean, but his radical-left ideas on fiscal responsibility, health care reform and relaxed gun control laws would never find a broad appeal. Some suggest it would be better to reach for a bold new tomorrow in Bill Clinton, who would bring to the party all the fresh new ideas of 1992 all over again. But to connect with "Red America" - to connect with the Heartland and the South - you'll need a Democrat who truly understands and connects with the Heartland and the South, and is prepared to put a "Southern face" on the party. The Medium Lobster nominates the mummified corpse of George Wallace.

  • Your God-talk: If you want to win the Heartland, you'll have to understand it's strange, foreign notion of "moral values" - values that are alien within your sodomy-ridden, fetus-eating Blue States. You'll have to do this by quoting the Bible - a difficult task, we know, as the average Democrat withers into dust upon touching a copy of the King James version, but if handled properly, with thick gloves and the proper counseling - the Medium Lobster understands that Steven Waldman is ready to lend a helping hand - you should manage to coax some Southern candidates, or perhaps even some Southern Black candidates! - to memorize a few passages (Note: you can steal them from hotels if you're not sure where to find a copy).

    Learning to mix "God-talk" with "regular-talk" is critical because without this skill, communication with otherworldly "Red-Staters" is next to impossible. You even may attempt to sell a Red Stater a tax cut or a farm subsidy - something a Red Stater is genetically compelled to desire - and they will automatically reject it without a Biblical mandate. When explaining the few issues you have left, you'll need to couch them in simple, direct, "moral" terms, like in the example below. Remember, the intrinsic rights of man are out; the arbitrarily God-given rights of man are in!
    When justifying gay marriage:
    INCORRECT!: "Every American should be equal before the law."
    LESS INCORRECT BUT STILL INCORRECT: "We are all God's children, and as we are equal in his sight, we should be equal before the law."
    MORE CORRECT: "God says gay marriage is good."
    CORRECT!: "And the Lord Jesus came down from the mountain and said unto Moses, verily, I command thee to be gay." With any luck they won't look it up.
    Remember: this is your party. And you can only save it by rendering it unrecognizable and treating half of America as if it has a mental disease.
  • posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:41 PM
    Friday, November 5, 2004

    FAFBLOG: Wow, it's been a real good week to be a crazy Christian! George Bush has been re-elected an eleven states are officially Less Gay! It's Hot Hot Hot to be an ossified moral dinosaur these days!
    JERRY FALWELL: It sure is, Fafnir, praise the Lord!
    JAMES DOBSON: I'd just like to say what a privilege and an honor it was to have struck a blow for freedom Tuesday by contributing to gay non-proliferation.
    FALWELL: Absolutely. Gayness is the most pressing security concern this country faces, and great to see some good Americans finally taking this issue seriously.
    FB: Now everybody up til the election thought the biggest issues were gonna be Iraq an the war on terror but funny thing, it turned out it was more important to stick it to gays. Huh! What do you guys think about that?
    FALWELL: Well if you think about it, homosexuals ARE a sort of terrorist, Fafnir. Terrorists... of the family.
    FB: Not the family! That's where we keep all our babies!
    DOBSON: That's right, armed with the suicide bombs of sodomy, planning to detonate themselves on the Israeli schoolbus of domestic partnership, leaving behind the terrifying bloodbath of state-recognized civil marriage!
    FB: Oh no! They could strike anywhere!
    FALWELL: In fact, the next 9/11 could be caused by a homosexual. I wouldn't be surprised if the next skyscraper that falls isn't collapsed by a plane or a bomb, but by a giant pair of naked, oiled, well-toned men, colliding over the skyline of Manhattan, thrusting again and again into our soft, unprotected national landmarks!
    FB: I'm scared of all this strange foreign sex! What do we do Doctor Dobson?
    DOBSON: First of all, we have to be vigilant! Are there homosexualist cells operating in your neighborhood? If so, contact the FBI! Or at least your local church group, for a quick conversion!
    FB: I'll form a neighborhood watch group! But I still feel so powerless before the gay menace! What can the government do, Rev. Falwell?
    FALWELL: We've gotta get more proactive! 9/11 changed everything, Fafnir - we have to strike at homosexuals before they strike at us! Use the full powers of the FBI, the CIA, Homeland Security, detain 'em in Guantanamo Bay and interrogate 'em until we know the full extent of their Gay Agenda!
    JESUS: [bursting in] Stop, stop! This is obscene!
    FB: Jesus, please. We already did your interview.
    JESUS: [overturning interview tables] I told you to love your neighbors as yourselves, not withhold their civil rights! I said blessed are the peacemakers, not the warmongers! I said my kingdom was not of this earth, not to make laws and bribe officials and overrun governments in my name!
    DOBSON: Can you please have security remove this man?
    JESUS: [being dragged away] My house is supposed to be a house of prayer! You've made it a cheap market to whore out God to any venomous hack who spews your hate!
    FB: I'm very sorry for that. That's the last time we leave Jesus around in the green room!
    DOBSON: I think with that little "scream," Jesus gets more support from the Howard Dean left than from honest Christians!
    FB: Ha ha! Oh, Howard Dean jokes never get old.
    FALWELL: Well, we certainly aren't represented by Jesus of Nazareth. Weak on national security, practically a Communist - says you go to Hell if you're rich without helpin' the poor! Now where I come from that's called keepin' what you earned!
    DOBSON: Absolutely. If Jesus is such a good man, why does he show all this hatred for capitalism - all this hatred for the American way of life? Sounds like he'd be better friends with the likes of Michael Moore and Osama bin Laden!
    FB: That's very true. Why does Jesus hate America?
    FALWELL: I also understand he has an illegitimate black baby.
    FB: Well what's next for the Religious right?
    DOBSON: Well, right now we're working on a new, improved Robo-Christ! A leader the church can really finally look up to - one who won't waffle by blessing the meek and the peacemakers!
    FALWELL: He's gonna be five-hundred feet tall, made of reinforced titanium, armed with poison gas and surface-to-air missiles, and best of all, he'll shoot a ray beam outta his eyeballs that destroys porn, cures Jewishness, and converts gay men to heterosexuality!
    DOBSON: It's a joint project of Raytheon and the Family Research Council. We're thinking of deploying him to the Mideast!
    FB: Wow. I'm sure glad we've got you guys representing Christianity!
    DOBSON: So are we, Fafnir. So are we.
    posted by fafnir at 5:08 PM
    Thursday, November 4, 2004

    Well it looks like those of you who put down Yasser Arafat might get lucky this year. That goes double for anyone who put down "any remaining stability or sanity in Israel/Palestine."

    Giblets always puts down the Pope, but it looks like the old man is still clinging to life with the tenacity of a gila monster. The Pope keeps chuggin' along, spittin' out saints and blessing everything from breakdancing to masturbation. And still no sainthood for Giblets! A pox on you Pope! A pox on you!

    And to anybody who had Osama bin Laden on your list: SUCKERS! Better luck next election cycle.

    Labels:

    posted by Giblets at 12:41 PM
    Wednesday, November 3, 2004

    The election results have come in and they have surprised no one... no one on the side of Giblets that is! It is Giblets in a landslide! Giblets by a whopping three percentage points! Only 49% of the population rejected Giblets! VICTORY! AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!

    With this broad mandate, it is time to push aside the mealy-mouthed timid campaign rhetoric Giblets has toyed with before! Giblets will not be "conciliatory" after this historic moment! Tariffs on reading! A flat tax on gay sex! Mandatory prayer before monuments to the Ten Commandments in every class room! A war in every garage, a tortured Arab civilian in every pot! The streets will run with the blood of liberals!

    But do not think Giblets will continue to divide the country. Oh no. The days of the bitterly partisan "pro-Giblets" and "anti-Giblets" Americas are over. Giblets is a uniter, not a divider. And he will unite America... UNDER THE CRUSHING FORCE OF HIS IRON HEEL!

    Giblets's plutocratic economic policies will beggar liberals AND conservatives! His incoherent foreign policy and complete negligence on nuclear proliferation will endanger the lives of EVERY American, regardless of race, color, or creed! His ceaseless pandering to a lunatic fringe of apocalyptic religious radicals will curtail civil rights and education reform for everyone, making ALL Americans stupider AND less free at the same time! All will be as one in the new Gibletsian dystopia!

    And when the next terrorist attack comes, and the intelligence community is caught with its pants down because it's been gutted by a partisan hack, and emergency workers are understaffed because thieir funding's been slashed to pay for tax cuts for the obscenely rich, and the National Guard is helpless to assist because it's off fighting in Iraq - or, God willing, Iran or Syria or wherever the next dart lands - the country will unite in the face of that bipartisan slaughter! Onward, Giblets soldiers!
    posted by Giblets at 11:37 PM

    Brad DeLong thinks we've got a bad system for pickin presidents:
    ...The pattern is clear: when there isn't an unknown southern governor running, an incumbent president can win reelection or an incumbent vice president can win election; but the unknown southern governor without a national political record wins the presidency--always.

    Why? Because he is a governor, he can raise money. Because he is unknown, he has no enemies in Washington who inform the press corps of weaknesses. Because he has no record, nobody has an incentive to try to block him. Because he is southern, the south tends to vote for him.

    The problem is that being an unknown southern governor has next to nothing to do with being an effective president. ...

    This is not a good way to do things, people.
    Silly Brad DeLong! This is a GREAT way to pick presidents! Presidents aren't sposed to be big smart compentent people who "know stuff" and can "solve problems"! The President is like America's Dad! He's there to comfort you on a stormy night when you've had a real bad dream, or be tough when your lunch money's been stolen by terrorists! When Osama bin Laden pushes you around during recess or a bully crashes a plane into the World Trade Center, you can always count on America's Dad to make you feel better by buyin you ice cream or by huggin a firefighter at Ground Zero!

    A President is supposed to be a role model for the whole country, which is why he has to Uphold Family Values. Just like your dad, the President has to teach you right from wrong - "Just Say No to drugs an sex an condoms in schools! Gay marriage? Not under my roof young man!" - which means the president needs strong moral fiber, which as nutritionists will tell you is plentiful in the South an the Midwest but is nowhere to be found in the barren an fiberless North.

    That's why you wanna get a Southern governor! Southern governors have never been exposed to the evil corruption of Washington DC where nasty things like legislative an foreign policy experience would corrupt em an make em less American! Or a Midwesterner - they're made entirely of corn, which the most American thing ever!

    Would you want your dad to be a grumpy ol Senator with borin ol Experience, or would you like him to be an inexperienced outsider with Good ol Heartland Values an whose wife bakes cookies for Jesus? I think the system is workin just fine.
    posted by fafnir at 4:18 PM

    There are rows an rows a tv screens here in the wasteland an all of em say things like:
    SASQUATCH 0%
    APEMAN 0% - WINNER!

    0% OF POLLS REPORTING
    In fronta the tv screens Lester Holt tells me about Defining Marriage. “Eleven States voted to Define Marriage tonight,” says Lester Holt, “and they have Defined it as a slow-moving, thick-skulled poison-spitting reptile that hates queers. America has spoken.”

    There's a five-hundred-foot tall inflatable rubber president balloon filled with hydrogen an mustard gas floatin overhead. “Leadership! Marriage! Moral values!” says the Inflatable President. “Gonna smoke those gays outta their holes! America’s safer when lesbians can run but they can’t hide!” It must be true. Look at all those electronic ballots!

    There's millions of us stuck out here in the wasteland but we're followin the Inflatable President cause he'll know how to get us out! "Stay the course! Resolve! Leadership!" says the Inflatable President. The wind blows it into a cliff, tears open its leg, an sprays poison gas all over the crowd. "Strong leader! Turnin that corner!" says the Inflatable President. The crowd goes wild!

    Someday we'll get outta this place, into a place that is presumably better than this place. An when we do it'll be because we kept on followin the Inflatable President! He bursts into flames an sets one hundred thousand Iraqis on fire. The applause is deafening!
    posted by fafnir at 11:57 AM
    Tuesday, November 2, 2004

    The flood of exit polling has begun to arrive, relieving voters of the tedious burden of actually having to vote to effect the outcome of the presidential race. Indeed, these never-fail predictors of electoral outcome have already illuminated the political destiny of John Kerry and George W. Bush, and there is no escape. Democracy cannot save you now!

    Now that the foreplay of the polls draws to an end and the heady, thumping climax of CNN's election night coverage approaches, it is time for America to prepare itself for the morning after - to greet another President. It is vital that all of us accept his legitimacy, regardless of our party and political affiliation. Indeed, after a long and bloody campaign - one that has riven these once United States into vicious, squabbling factions - the time has come to put aside partisan differences and unite in a spirit of universal brotherhood, and passionately voicing our differences in the spirit and rhetoric of a better, higher discourse, one that respects everyone's right to exist within the American polity.

    Ha ha! I jest, of course. Half of you have been absolutely 100% right about who should lead our country, while half of you have been absolutely 100% wrong*. Indeed, the man you voted against today was not merely wrong or wrongheaded or dangerously deluded - he was a purely execrable lump of venomous filth, a monster of Satanic proportions who whiled away his free time dining on aborted Iraqi fetuses while engaging in gay, married sex with the Saudi royal family, and any who supported him were objectively the enemies of America. Can you possibly allow your opponents to have a voice in the American polity? Gods, no! They must be torn up from the root, thrown bleeding onto the dried and cracked earth, stomped into dusty oblivion before they do the same to you. To do any less would be to desert your country.

    The Medium Lobster wishes all voters, citizens, Supreme Court Justices, combatants, and Thunderdome fighters the best of luck in the days and months to come, as they brave the recounts, the court contests, the civil war, the no-man's-land, the Machine Wars, and the Reign of the Quadrarchs. Remember: if you give an inch, they'll take a mile - and then the survivalist in the bunker next door may legalize civil unions! Good hunting!

    *Which half is which has been left as an exercise for the reader.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:27 PM

    I voted today an I got the sticker to prove it! Some people say your vote doesn't count. But who's to say my little vote won't swing this crazy little state! Of Rhode Island. You should vote too! Just check to make sure a few things before you go:

  • Do you have your DNA samples ready? Remember that you will need a skin scraping, a blood sample, and a bone marrow extraction in addition to the usual urinalis if you want to vote in Florida or Ohio.

  • Are you a criminal? Remember that it is a crime to vote if you are or have ever been or think you have ever known somebody who is guilty of a crime or a felony or a traffic violation. Election observers or "challengers" can determine your eligibility by "challenging" you to a duel. If you win two out of three falls while joustin on horseback, congratulations! You may vote. If you are gored to death you may request a provisional ballot.

  • Are you ready to confront the Sphinx? When it appears before you in the polling station do not panic. Present it with a valid photo ID an proof of residence an then answer its riddle. If you answer correctly you will be given a ballot. If you answer incorrectly it will tear out your heart an devour your soul.

  • Are you a college student, a minority, or an elderly jewish voter? I am sorry but you are not allowed to vote this year please try again next time.
  • posted by fafnir at 1:38 PM
    Monday, November 1, 2004

    In two days Giblets will not just be your supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. He will be your constitutionally-mandated supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. In this Giblets is unstoppable! In fact Gibletsian state-by-state projections by Giblets's polling firm, Gibletsian Vision (G), show Giblets winning by a landslide - 535 to 3! (Wyoming will go to Bush. Damn you to hell, Wyoming. Damn you to hell.)

    Gibletsian partisans may already begin prematurely celebrating Giblets's victory! Giblets has already commissioned a 500 foot tall sculpture of himself on horseback trampling his foes, to be entitled Triumphe d'Gibletse! On January 20th Giblets will spend all of his inauguration ceremony eating an enormous pile of gold!

    But if - as some scurrilous rumors and half-mad acid-eating anti-Giblets propagandists have suggested - Giblets loses the election to John Kerry, it will be clear why. It will be because of the bias of the liberal media.

    The liberal media, who again and again painted John Kerry as a weak-willed pandering flip-flopper, knowing that Americans appreciate the supple pliabilty of a flip-flopper's ever-shifting positions over the hard resolve of Giblets! The liberal media, who represented Kerry's every position as an incoherent one knowing full well that Americans would be helplessly seduced by a convoluted, byzantine rambler instead of a straight-shooter like Giblets! The liberal media, who entertained the notion that John Kerry was a traitor to his country who had deliberately wounded himself to get out of Vietnam and besmirched the reputation of his fellow veterans, knowing that Americans love a quick-witted spineless coward over a heroic anti-terror crusader like Giblets!

    And if they succeed - if they cost Giblets the election - they will pay, my pretties. Oh how they will pay! For Giblets will marshall the entire power of the blogosphere to destroy the noxious "mainstream media" once and for all! With our power, nothing will stop Giblets from exacting bloody revenge! Giblets and pro-Giblets blogs will finally hunt down Peter Jennings and see him brought to justice! Tom Brokaw will be beaten, chained and thrown into Giblets's personal dungeon! The heads of Gwen Ifill and Charlie Rose, stuffed and mounted in Giblets's vestibule! To crush National Public Radio, see Dan Rather driven before me, and hear the lamentations of Al Roker! Victory or vengeance - they will be mine!
    posted by Giblets at 4:28 PM

    Ah, electiontime. There is no other time of the year when the higher powers and infinite wisdom of the Medium Lobster are so feverishly sought. For while lowly and confused mortals cluelessly sift through entrails and scrutinize the I Ching in desperate attempts to scry the fickle fortunes of the electoral college, the Medium Lobster walks the ethereal plane with gods, titans, and supermen, and reads the pronouncements of Gallup and Zogby as clearly as mortal men read print on a page. The future - yes, even the future of the hideously byzantine system that is the American presidential election - is an open book to one such as I.

    "Come! We must know!" you cry. "Who will stand triumphant on November Third? Who will be victorious?" The Medium Lobster chuckles. I could explain it all to you, of course, but most of you would hardly follow the reasoning, trapped as you are in your hopelessly limited understanding. The Medium Lobster will deign to share these revelations, gleaned after hours of meditation and fervent study of reams of data projections over the last several months, with the lumpen masses: that George W. Bush will win with 59.7% of the popular vote and 352 electoral votes, precisely.

    And now, the Medium Lobster shall retire for the moment, leaving his audience gasping and applauding in his wake. In one month he shall emerge once more with a breakdown of how many undecided voters - within the margin of error - can dance on the head of Ohio.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:48 PM
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