Wednesday, March 31, 2004
It appears that the forces of Jihadist appeasement have triumphed for the day, and Condoleezza Rice will testify in public and under oath before the pointless 9/11 commission. Now the president will be too crippled by anxiety to seek advice from those closest to him, fearing they may be pulled before these latter-day Congessional inquisitors, and will simply have to make every decision based entirely on his own research, theories, and intuition. That the president will now be able to realize his full potential as a policy-making juggernaut is surely no loss to the nation - but the fact that it will most assuredly reduce confidants like Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Rice to meaningless side players is a tragedy.
But the silver lining on this dark cloud is that George Bush and Dick Cheney, who will also be appearing together before the commission, will not be appearing under oath. This has lead the skeptical to suspect that Bush and Cheney now intend to lie and mislead the commission. This notion is as absurd as it is treasonous. Even if the divinely-ordained leader of the United States were capable of lying, Bush is testifying together with Dick Cheney, who will be able to confirm or deny anything Bush says as he says it. Cheney, in a sense, will act as Bush's moral compass, rooting his testimony in honesty. It would be superfluous for the two of them to be asked to take the oath.
Overall, the Medium Lobster judges today's battle to have been a draw between the forces of Good and Terror. In due time, however, this latest dangerous project of scrutiny and transparency will pass away, and our fighting president will be allowed to return to the business of fighting for freedom and secrecy.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:59 PM
You can talk again. That means now people!
posted by fafnir at 12:07 PM
posted by fafnir at 12:03 PM
So last Saturday I went down to sit and enjoy my beautiful Glofish (for those who do not know, Glofish are fantastical genetically-modified glowing fish that ACTUALLY GLOW). We have been having problems with algae in the past in the tank but we got these scum sucker fish and everything was goin great with that except the water is still all weird and hazy and the fish were swimming lazily and oddly bumping into each other. "What should I do Mr Book?" I ask Mr Book. "Well you see Fafnir IIIIII... look over there!" says Mr Book and he jumped out the window and ran away. "What should I do Television?" I ask Television. "Buy this beer!" says Television. "And this car and these pills and this beef and this woman!" "I dunno if I feel like beef Television," I says. "You must buy beef Fafnir or else you will explode!" says Television. "Oh no I do not want to explode!" I says.
But when I get back from the store with the beer and the pills and the beef and the woman something horrible had happened. One of our sucker fish was dead. At first I thought it was sleeping, and then I just thought it was being lazy, and then I spent a half hour yelling at it "Lazy sucker fish, why won't you suck more that is what you are for, for sucking!" When I realized what had happened I felt so guilty. I am sorry for yelling at your corpse sucker fish I didn't understand!
We buried the sucker fish at sunset. We did not have enough trumpets to play "Reverie" so Giblets played one of the demos on his old Yamaha which I think the sucker fish would have liked.
"He was ugly," says Giblets. "He was faithful and loyal and true!" says me, upset. "He was still real ugly," says Giblets. "He was beautiful and loyal and heartfelt and ugly and true!" I says.
posted by fafnir at 11:51 AM
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
The Medium Lobster had hoped to return from his spring break amongst the loftier planes to find the country had moved on from the debacle of Richard Clarke and the 9/11 Commission. Instead, I find America still wasting away precious hours splitting hairs over who missed whose imminent terrorist attack. Really, people, it's been over two years since the al Qaeda attacks, and in that time the Bush Administration responded swiftly and forcefully to the threat of Osama bin Laden by overthrowing the government of Saddam Hussein.
Nevertheless, crooked and foul politicos from Clarke to terrorist-sponsored Massachusetts liberal John Kerry have been heaping criticism on the President's war on terror. As Condoleezza Rice recently put it, critics like Kerry seek merely to "distract Americans from his own failed ideas for protecting America from future attacks... John Kerry's backward-looking approach would return us to the failed policies of treating terror as a law-enforcement matter."
Indeed, we cannot allow our nation to adopt John Kerry's policies - which have failed before, and will fail again, if John Kerry has his way. Dr Rice knows this more than anyone, for, as the Medium Lobster knows - and can now reveal - Dr Rice is a time traveler.
Yes, Condoleezza Rice was sent back in time from an alternate future earth, dubbed by chronologers as "Nega-Earth," where John Kerry was elected president in the year 2000. His hellish, lunatic policies of using multilateral law enforcement and intelligence operations in a global anti-terror campaign created a dark, dystopian world where Islamists rule with an iron fist, seeking out and eradicating all non-Islamists with omnipotent robot sentinels controlled by their overlord, the maniacal Wahhabist A.I. Allah-1. In this nightmare landscape there is no freedom, no hope, no American Dream, and the Justice League have been replaced with their evil counterparts in the Crime Syndicate of America, including the odious Owlman. So great is this world's evil that it has decided to send John Kerry to other timelines and other earths, to spread his message of malevolent international cooperation and military flexibility and responsiveness throughout the multiverse.
But there's hope. Rice has also been sent back in time to save America from creeping law-enforcementism. If her warnings are heeded in time, we could avert the greatest temporal disaster since the inception of the judicial branch. If not, hundreds of thousands of flesh-eating cyborg jihadobots could descend upon our shores, and the forces of the Anti-Monitor will sweep through all space and time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:55 AM
Friday, March 26, 2004
It has been two weeks since our last Friday pie-blogging. Two Weeks! Bad Fafnir. Bad, bad Fafnir! But here we are and if we dont pie-blog now when will we pie-blog at all?
This week brings us pies more worldly than the pies we are used to - the corporate pies.
These are professional pies. These are the pies of commerce and industry. These are businesspies. They may appear cold and formal an too busy makin money to be good pies. But one look proves them to be juicy and delicious. Wouldn't you take a bite out of these delicious corporate pies yes you would.
"But what about the greed" you say. This is the difficult part because sometimes greed is delicious and deliciousness must be part of the world even cold corporate greed and even warm moist cold corporate pie greed. Therefore by first principles greed must be part of the world like in the rhubarb pie above. Look at that greedy pie! It has probably just outsourced jobs to Mexico.
The world of pies can be a strange and complex place.
posted by fafnir at 10:52 PM
Yknow at a time when all sorts of big angry grumpy people are talking about "Wars between Islam and the West" and "Clashes of Civilization" and stuff it is great to see stories like this one that show that God is workin to unite our fractious world religions.
After creating burritos bearing the likeness of Jesus and a fence post that looks like the Virgin Mary, God has now introduced a miraculous lamb in Hebron born with the word "Allah" on its back. All of these miracles can only mean one thing: that God is the God of Christianity and the God of Islam, and he really likes drawing on food and animals.
Let us now meditate and hope for a world where Allah Lambs and Pizza Hut Jesuses will one day walk hand in hand in harmony together.
posted by fafnir at 2:12 PM
It's been about a week since Fafblog became FAFBLOG PLUS!!!!, the new and super-improved version of Fafblog that you love so much more. Congratulations to all of us and lots of thanks to our tech friend Chris who did this and also gave us our nifty new email addresses fresh from his defunct website! Chris made a lot of interesting suggestions like "Are you sure you want these colors?" and "I think you might wanna use better colors" and "These are really awful colors" that we nodded along to and completely ignored. We actually wanted to use a flashing neon green GIF for the background but it turns out Chris is epileptic and he starts twitchin all funny when he looks at that.
Here are some of the comments we have gotten so far on FAFBLOG PLUS!!!!:
Well two things are for sure: you love the new colors, and you want an RSS feed! Chris says that's a thing that makes it so people can read it without pictures. Well what is the point of that! The internet without pictures is like performing open heart surgery without ice cream - its useful and not as sticky and maybe you'll live longer but who wants to live without ice cream?
Well I am gonna put chris on it and he says he'll "get to it" which means it'll probably happen never. Lazy Chris, do more of Faf's stuff! In the meantime I am gonna work on making these colors brighter for all the worlds enjoyment. See Chris is twitchin with excitement already.
posted by fafnir at 12:27 PM
So a bunch of fuddy-duddy Democrats are all upset because of some joke George Bush told about missing WMDs the other day. "This is a very serious issue," Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe said. "We've lost hundreds of troops, as you know, over there. Let's not be laughing about not being able to find weapons of mass destruction. They're not there. That is the issue. We should not take it to a new step to make fun of the situation." "That's supposed to be funny?" said Democratic rival John Kerry.
Indeed, nothing to laugh at - because it was a lame slide show sequence with painfully obvious sight gags. Giblets has seen more cutting-edge comedy coming out of Henny Youngman's corpse. My advice to George Bush: start off with some good sock puppets and work your way up. Everybody loves sock puppets.
My advice to Senator Stick-up-the-butt: lighten up. It's just a war*. Was the joke "offensive"? How should I know? Giblets laughs at (good) offensive jokes! They desensitize me to the horrors of reality and the terrible evils of the past. This is why we need to tell more 9/11 jokes. It helps "break the tension" over the whole horrible mind-numbing loss of life thing. Since (as Darwin argued) our natural response to horrible mind-numbing loss of life is a binary "laugh/kill" response, we must either laugh at the horror or kill in response to it. Since our culture is not sufficiently advanced to laugh at horror, we tend to kill things instead, which is okay as therapy goes but is getting expensive. So the eventual solution is to either find a cheaper way to kill things or to learn to laugh. Only then will the healing begin.
*Before somebody accuses Giblets of being insensitive to war veterans you should all know that Giblets is himself is a war veteran and is thus immune to such criticism. Giblets fought, and was wounded, in the Cola Wars. You do not know what hell is until you are lying face down in a puddle of RC Cola and you can hear your best friend over the hill screaming for Tab, just to kill the pain, as the Pepsi Death Squads close in.
posted by Giblets at 10:58 AM
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Former Indonesian President Suharto is the number one most corrupt world leader of all time according to a report by Transparency International. Way to go Former President Suharto! You are number one!
This is quite an accomplishment for Former President Suharto, who stole between thirteen and fifteen billion dollars from his country during his thirty year rule and solidly beating out second-place finisher Ousted Philippine President-for-life Ferdinand Marcos who still stole between five and ten billion dollars. But let's not split hairs you are all winners here! All that corruption shows some real dedication and that is nothing to sneeze at.
I was hopin maybe Idi Amin would make it up there or get an honorable mention on account of him passin away but apparently not. Sigh. Well maybe next year.
posted by fafnir at 10:30 AM
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
It has been a while since we have had a glofish update and for that I apologize. But who else is updating you on the struggle to Free Glofish? Not quote-unquote libertarian Eugene Volokh. Not Calpundit who is Californian and has ignored the glofish controversy engulfing his state. In the blogoverse only Fafblog is promisin to bring you fast-coming updates on this enfolding crisis of civil liberties. Fast-coming updates every couple months.
As recently as one month ago Glofish-rights group and genetically-modified fish company Yorktown Products has decided to petition the evil California Fish and Game Commission again, which last year decided in a 3-1 ruling to ban the sale of Glofish and to adopt Nazi-licking and baby-eating as the official Fish and Game Commission pastimes. It is an evil Commission! An evil, evil Commission!
Will these champions of glowy-fishy justice triumph I have no idea. But even while they struggle to liberate oppressed California from the grips of glofish-hating evildoers the fiendish forces of the Center for Food Safety is suing the FDA to force them to regulate Glofish. I am not one to resort to hyperbole lightly, and I am not resorting to it lightly when I say that if Glofish cannot flow freely then democracy will be lost to the world forever.
That is why we must work even harder to make sure that our congresspeople and leaders secure our fundamental rights and freedoms. So I am urging all of you to write to your representatives and senators and send them the exact following message which should not be changed in any way, because you will not get it right I'm sorry:
Hello senator or representative how's it goin! It's goin fine. Fine except for Glofish! Glofish are the most beautiful and wonderful things introduced to the universe since probably anything and more importantly they are fundamental. Fundamental to the American way of life. Fundamental to American experience and freedom. But they are under attack - by people who hate freedom. Just like terrorists, and the Sasquatch.
posted by fafnir at 2:03 PM
Monday, March 22, 2004
So people are all "waa-waa-waa" about this Richard Clarke person (who Giblets has never heard of by the way, what is he doing on television?) who is all "Oh George Bush is stupid" and "Oh George Bush didn't know what Al Qaeda was" and "Oh Condoleeza Rice has the I.Q. of a syphilitic chipmunk." Richard Clarke says they were not paying attention to Osama bin Laden. Richard Clarke says that even after 9/11 some of them were still gung-ho about Iraq and wanted to blow it up because it was easy to blow up. Richard Clarke says we needed a strategy to roll-back Al Qaeda before they "killed three thousand people." Richard Clarke is a big fat fathead come to wreck Giblets's party - and YOURS TOO.
There are two kinds of people in the world. There are the people who are like the grumbly old chief of police in the action movies who want to hold bakc the hotheaded cop because he "breaks procedure" and "blows things up" and "gets countless innocents killed" and "shoots the wrong people" and "doesn't know what he's doing." And then there are people who are like the hotheaded cop. They get things done. George Bush is like that. Except with an eight-month delay that allowed terrorists to blow up the World Trade Center and a good chunk of the Pentagon but made for a great revenge plot.
The point is do you wanna be like the sissy grumbly old desk-job police chief or do you wanna be like the blow-em-up crazy hotheaded cop who is also a cyborg hero from the future? That is what Giblets thought! Some people say the war on terror is a war. Some people say the war on terror is a vast police action backed up by intelligence operations. Both people are INCREDIBLY STUPID. The war on terror is an incredibly cathartic shoot-em-up flick with fantastic special effects.
Giblets does not want to hear about early arming of Predator drones and funding opposition groups. He wants to hear about storming Baghdad! Shock and awe! Overwhelming force! You can package that with a great video game. Terrorists make lousy villains, they hide in mountains and it's just wait wait wait, sit sit sit, have we found them? No we haven't, oh the waiting, oh the tension, this is right up there with roll calls on C-SPAN. But invading a country? You get bombs and capital to sieze! You get a statue to topple! Then wrap it up and on to GULF WAR III: SYRIAN JUSTICE!
Some people are too sissy and stupid and grumbly to recognize sound foreign policy when they see it. And to those people Giblets says: shut your mouth and stay behind your damn desk, Chief, and leave the tossing of pot dealers through plate glass windows to Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 3:38 PM
Hamas chief killed in air strike
Full text: Hamas vows revenge
Israel defiant over Yassin killing
Stupid world! Did you not all read Fafblog last Friday? We had healed the wounds! All of them! What is wrong with you! You spend the rest of the day looking at pictures of clowns and ice cream till you get it because Fafnir has lost all patience with you!
Stupid, stupid world! Stop being so stupid!
posted by fafnir at 2:02 PM
Saturday, March 20, 2004
Lately I have heard a lot of talk about voting for terrorists. It is apparently the hot new craze sweeping western democracies these days, who knew! Did you know that if the election were held today, the majority of Americans would vote for terrorists? It's true!
But this got me thinking which sometimes happens. What kind of terrorists are Americans voting for? Informed voters are responsible voters, but who is informing voters about the policy positions of various terrorists? Which terrorist best represents you and your needs? Do you support Al Qaeda's single-payer health care plan or Ansar al-Islam's stance on tort reform? Fafblog is here to help with the internet's first-ever terrorist voting guide.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi:
posted by fafnir at 9:10 PM
Friday, March 19, 2004
J. Bradford DeLong, simple mortal and slave bound to the illusory yoke that lower beings call "linear time," has "corrected" the enlightened transdimensional being known as the Medium Lobster:
Polish President Aleksandr Kwasniecki has just gotten off the bus:A being that dwells in the upper reaches of the empyrean such as the Medium Lobster can only chuckle at the naivete Mr DeLong displays here in his misunderstanding of "Old Europe" and "New Europe." You see, Mr DeLong, the dark and corrupt countries of "Old Europe" - France, Germany, Belgium, Massachusetts - are rotted with decadence and waste away with every passing moment. But the youth and purity of "New Europe" - Poland, Slovakia, Atlantis - keeps it timeless, atemporal, existing outside of the flow of your "linear perception." Hence, a Polish president who once supported the noble and just cause of supporting George Bush is still, in that timeless land, eternally and forever standing beside America. The Medium Lobster does not expect you to understand the particulars, of course.Yahoo! News - Poland 'taken for a ride' over Iraq's WMD: President: WARSAW (AFP) - In a first sign of official criticism in Poland of the US-led invasion of Iraq (news - web sites), President Aleksander Kwasniewski said that his country had been "taken for a ride" about the alleged existence of weapons of mass destruction in the strife-torn country. "That they deceived us about the weapons of mass destruction, that's true. We were taken for a ride," Kwasniewski said Thursday. He argued however that it made no sense to pull US-led coalition troops out of Iraq.
Of course, should Poland slip far enough into corruption, and Vote For Terror as Spain did this week, it would join the ranks of Old Europe, and re-enter the stream of what you call "the timestream" with a rude and brutal jolt. It was only Sunday afternoon that Spanish Prime Minister-elect Rodriguez Zapatero found himself and his entire country suddenly aged fifty years in an instant, their buildings crumbling, their crops dry and withered, their people old and infirm, moaning and stumbling from the fairy-tale bliss of eternal youth, blinking into a harsh and decrepit dark age. A terrifying and tragic tale, indeed... and one to give pause to even one as illuminated as the Medium Lobster.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:47 PM
I have been noticin some anger in the world of late. Some of it has been comin from partisan wounds. I am wagging my finger in your direction Democrats and Republicans! Some of it has been comin from culture wars, which are like cola wars but with fewer funny product tie ins. Some of it has been comin from Fafblog. "Grrrr, angry!" says Giblets. "Hoho, angry," says the Medium Lobster. Anger is okay because Fafblog is all things to all people, like a delicious exploding cake. It is so tasty and so deadly how can you resist!
But we must also heal the anger. And so Fafnir today is here to heal all partisan wounds within our country. Are you ready to begin to heal those wounds America? Ok then let's go!
You feel your wounds healin yet? Probably yes I can see that Pat Buchanan is volunteering to do pro bono immigration case work now, good for you Pat! but we have more work to do still!
Hooray, can you feel the love America? Yes you can! And there is Jerry Falwell and Larry Flynt dancin arm in arm, they are best of friends now! They are such good buddies because of the love that Rev. Falwell has agreed to star in Asian Ass-Pounders 6 and Mr. Flynt has agreed to donate half of all Hustler sales to the banning of activist judges.
All is full of Faf and Faf is full of love! John Kerry and George W. Bush are runnin for president on each others' tickets and they are arguing viciously because each wants the other to be president! Wow I have to say this worked out better than I hoped, I'm so glad you all came over here to do this and Osama, you just get back to your ice cream and petting zoo over there. "I love children soooo much," Osama says all weepy-like and snuggling a fluffy white bunny. Well I'm going to go have a big mug of piping hot cocoa with my new best friends - everybody!
posted by fafnir at 9:03 AM
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Reflect on the scum suckers of life.
"Reflect on them! Reflect on them NOOOOOOOOOW!" says Giblets.
Giblets is reflecting on them too.
posted by fafnir at 12:06 PM
Yesterday I was appreciatin my glofish. My beautiful glowing Glofish(TM), the worlds first and only genetically modified fish that realy glo(TM), when I noticed the fish tank was brighter and greener than usual. "Wow what glofish," I thought. "They are glowing so bright and so green and so glowy that their fishy light has filled the tank."
"That isn't glofish Fafnir," says Mr Book who tells me things, "That is algae."
"Wow, glo-algae," I says. "And it came for free!"
"No Fafnir," says Mr Book. "Algae does not glow."
"Well it sure is pretty," I says.
"Algae can be bad for fish," says Mr Book.
"Oh no!" I says.
"You should get some scum sucker fish," says Mr Book. "They will eat the algae."
"That's a good idea Mr Book," I says. "You are just full of good ideas!"
"Also you should always recycle plastic bags and cut up plastic rings that come with soda. And put plastic on windows to save on heating. And buy organic because it tastes better and has less pesticides in it. And learn to make shadow puppets it is easy and fun!"
Well I had so much fun learning new things with Mr Book I forgot all about my glofish until they almost got strangled by the algae. By now we have a host of scum suckers in there. They are ugly and hard working and they eat a lot, like Teamsters!
I am using this time to reflect upon the scum suckers of society, the great big ugly fish-people who suck up the algae of life. Use this time to reflect upon them and what they have done for us.
posted by fafnir at 11:49 AM
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
As I write, the Kerry campaign is still crippled by the scandal already known as Foreignleadergate. It is obvious by now that John Kerry's bizarre claims that foreign leaders would prefer a Kerry presidency have already forever doomed his party to the dustbin of history, and Republicans' brilliant decision to obsess on this critical issue will sweep the South, the Midwest, and California come November.
The disaster for Kerry becomes even more ugly and treacherous when faced with the impossible task to name these imaginary "foreign leaders" who would oppose the reelection of Bush, because the casual voter's mind immediately fills with the names of foreign leaders who have supported the Texan president: Tony Blair, Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski, Tony Blair, Federated States of Micronesia President Joseph J. Urusemal, Tony Blair, former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, Tony Blair.
With that roster of foreign Bush supporters, it's hard to imagine who could even be hypothetically left over to hope for a Kerry victory - other than, of course, the French, German, Russian, Belgian, current Spanish, Chinese, and Japanese governments, along with the entire Mideast, none of whom count, for reasons which the Medium Lobster does not need to explain to ones as presumably enlightened as all of you. Were I Karl Rove, I would make sure to keep reminding all of America that John Kerry says he'll get along better with our foreign allies than George Bush does - it'll only make the President's sterling reputation as a beloved and competent world leader shine that much brighter.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:11 PM
There are joyous moments and there are proud moments, but few are more joyous and proud than when the Medium Lobster can cast a lofty eye down upon his alma mater of Brown University (PhD in Advanced Superiority, Class of Alpha Null) and smile blessedly upon its bold new initiative to overturn centuries of social inequality and racial discrimination with a blue-ribbon panel.
Some would balk at such a weighty task, but not university president Ruth J. Simmons, who has decided to hit the problem of social injustice head on: by appointing a Committee on Slavery and Justice to undertake "an exploration of reparations for slavery and specifically whether Brown should pay reparations or otherwise make amends for its past." Lesser university presidents might attempt to reform the college's admissions and financial aid programs to make Brown more affordable for poor students. More cowardly leaders in academia might overhaul the school's legacy admission policy to stop what amounts to an affirmative action program for rich, white, often feeble-minded blue-bloods.
But not Ruth J. Simmons, a president who says "if I have something to offer Brown, it's the fact that I am a descendant of slaves." She's ready to take on the toughest challenge to social equality facing higher education today: Brown University's 240-year-old connections to the slave trade.
And how! The 16 member-committee will include not just faculty and staff, but in what is certainly not a nakedly cynical attempt to demonstrate how a hidebound bureaucratic body is connecting to "the youth," will include undergraduates too! And not just any undergraduates - they have Seth Magaziner, the son of former Clinton staffer Ira Magaziner! Now if only they had Danny DeVito's daughter involved, the insights would be exploding.
But what will come of this bold display of displayed boldness? Well, the Medium Lobster is probably stating the obvious when noting that the results of one Ivy League university's navel-gazing into its slavery-speckled past will no doubt unleash a torrent of racial harmony throughout the country. After all, as goes Brown, so goes Alabama!
Some members of Brown's committee have had their doubts, such as philosophy professor Felicia Nimue Ackerman, who says "I think it's very important that this does not degenerate into a bunch of people congratulating themselves for thinking slavery is bad." Heaven forfend, Professor Ackerman. Heaven forfend.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:04 AM
Monday, March 15, 2004
Giblets has been busy. Very very busy. As has Fafnir. Fafnir and Giblets have been both busy on a Top Secret Project. "Shhh Giblets tell no one of our top secret prooooooject!" says Fafnir. Giblets does not care, Giblets cannot be contained! In the meantime during Faf-light and Giblets-light blogging this week there will be extra doses of our blogger-at-large The Medium Lobster. Take that, allergic-to-seafood types!
In the meantime Giblets wants to remark on the decline of civility in public discourse.
Last week presidential candidate John Kerry said "these guys are the most crooked, you know, lying group of people I've ever seen" when referring to Republicans. Dennis Hastert says he takes "great umbrage" at the remark and Marc Racicot said "We call on Senator Kerry to apologize to the American people for this negative attack."
Giblets believes that Senator Kerry does owe the Republicans some clear words. And those words should be the following:
POOOOR WIDDLE PARTY! POOOOR WIDDLE PARTY! DIDDA BIG BAD DEMACWATS MAKE A BOO BOO? DID DEY? WHO'S A BIG BOY PARTY! WHO'S A BIG BOY PARTY! YOU ARE, G.O.P.! YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! DOES OO WANT A NAPPY? DOES OO? YES OO DOES! YES OO DOES!
Come on Republicans. Giblets used to respect you. Where is the Grand Old Party of old demonizing liberals for supporting civil liberties? Where is the Republican Party that compared Max Cleland to Saddam Hussein? Giblets wants more mudslinging, more threats of shifty brown terrorists! Shape up or get a diaper.
posted by Giblets at 11:48 AM
Sunday, March 14, 2004
I am writing from under a three blankets two pillows an enormous ape named Bucephalus (say hi Bucephalus!) and a smiley faced drinking mug (with cocoa) in order to camouflage myself from the terrorists. Do not tell them I am here or who knows what victories those terrorists will achieve.
My squishy yet fragile heart broke again last week when the terrorists attacked Spain killing hundreds - Spain, one of my two favorite countries on the Iberian peninsula why did it have to be you Spain? - but now my I have been informed by television and the internet that it is worse because in addition to killing hundreds of innocent people the terrorists have won.
You see when I was watchin TV it said to me "Fafnir since terrorists blew up the Spanish trains around the Spanish elections that means they want the conservative Spanish to win the elections which will mean an escalation in the war on terror and an increase in the recruitment for al Qaeda!" "Oh no tv that's bad!" I said. "Yes it is Fafnir," said the tv, "because if we react to the terrorists that means they control us and that means they have won!"
But then I saw this morning that the socialists were winning the elections. ("Hey look Giblets!" I said. "Socialists!" "There are socialists?" said Giblets. "Yes apparently in Spain!" I said. "They also have bullfighters, conquistadors, and emus!" "I want a socialist!" said Giblets. "Bring Giblets a socialist now!") And I was all happy because that meant that the terrorists had lost. "No Fafnir," said the tv. "This means the terrorists have won because the Spanish are voting for the socialists in reaction against the ruling conservatives because they blame them for the terrorist attack. This means the terrorists have gotten them to elect socialists in response to terror and that means the terrorists have won!"
And thne I yelled and hid under a blanket until I called Colin Powell. "Colin Powell the terrorists are winning!" I told him. "I know, tv told me!" he said. "Quick cancel the Spanish elections Colin Powell!" I said. "I could Fafnir using my magnificent Colin Powell Powers but then we would be cancelling elections just because of the terrorists and that would mean the terrorists had gotten us to cancel the Spanish elections and that would mean the terrorists have won!" And we both yelled for a long long time.
So here I am under the blankets and the pillows and Bucephalus the ape and the smiley faced drinking mug (with cocoa). I think I am safe from contributing to further terrorist victories in here, and so can you as long as you never do anything ever again because if there is one thing that stop the cause of terror it is being paralyzed by anxiety.
posted by fafnir at 3:43 PM
Thursday, March 11, 2004
So the House of Representatives wants to pass a bill which stops fat people from suing fast food places for making them fat. This seems like a pretty bold statement on the part of the House and that statement is "Cmon down fat people, and eat some more fat!"
"America is a fat country," the House told Fafblog in an exclusive interview, "Its fatness is part of our national heritage and prestige. To discourage McDonald's from selling fat would be like destroying the Grand Canyon or the Washington Monument. Today the House says: we embrace our obese heritage."
I have some mixed feelins about this. On the one hand I believe that government should not interfere in our courts and our restaurants and our soup. On the other hand if they do not what is to stop "activist judges" from bankrupting the good people who brought us the McPhilly Cheesesteak?
I enjoy fast food if only on an aesthetic level. I purchase many dozens of hamburgers a week and set them up in little pyramids and decorative patterns on my coffee table. I purchase burgers of many varieties so that they can "mix it up" together and understand each others culture. I enjoy the artistry of burger commercials and the pioneering work of cinematographer David McGinnis who developed the slow-motion burger pan and subsequently won an unprecedented three consecutive McCheesies for Best Cinematography from 1982-1984. Where would this go if they take our burgers away? Fight fiercely House of Representatives.
posted by fafnir at 1:26 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
So I was looking for interesting books to present to my Literacy For Clams class and I found a copy of the U.S. Constitution. It's long, but informative - apparently I have rights! I als found this:
No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.Now I am no constitutional law scholar but what I can say with absolute authority is that this means a duck can be elected president as long as it is thirty-five years old, was born in America, and has taken a citizenship exam. So now it's just a question of findin a really old duck!
Do not worry America. Fafnir is here to cure you of your electoral malaise.
posted by fafnir at 10:47 PM
Giblets is disturbed. The AP is reporting that George Bush lets major donors sleep in the White House and yes even the fabled Lincoln Bedroom. Some are saying this is an outrage because it shows how much power and influence campaign donors have. Some are saying this is an outrage because Bush criticized Clinton for doing the same thing when he ran for president. Giblets does not think this is an outrage. Giblets thinks this is really, really nasty.
Who would pay to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom? Abraham Lincoln was old! He smells like old people! The whole bedroom has old-man Lincoln-funk all over it! Add that in with all the other old people who have been crashing there over the years and even a small militia armed with fifty gallons of Lysol and Mr. Clean could not rid it of that awful "rich rest home" stink. And there are people who would not only go there willingly, and sleep there, but pay for the "privelege"? That makes Giblets's skin crawly.
Let me just say that Giblets has no problem with trannies, furries, spankers, chokers, maskers, midget-squatters, half-doggers, roadloggers, numbpluggers, robot-twisters, southpaw chicken dicers, or the El Segundo Grande. But old president smell - that's just plain weird.
posted by Giblets at 6:25 PM
You know if there is one thing I have learned in running this blog it is never for any reason leave lemons in the burner of a lit gas stove. But if there are two things I have learned in running this blog it is the lemon-in-the-stove thing, plus do not ever feed paint to an elephant. But if there are three things I have learned from running this blog it is the lemon thing, the cow thing, and that this country is hungry for change.
Which is why when I saw this in an article in the LA Times:
"I would vote for anybody to get rid of George Bush," said Barb Marsh, a chemical dependency counselor from Neighborville, Ill. "You could put a duck up there and I'd support it," said her friend Lois Carlson, a financial planner from Willowbrook, Ill....it rang all kinds of alarm bells over here at Fafblog News Headquarters. No really I jumped up on the Fafblog News Couch and started ringin the special emergency News Bell real loud for like two an a half minutes and Giblets came down and was all "Where's dinner?" Well I'll tell you where dinner is Giblets: dinner is, there is a duck vote in this presidential race.
Now things have been kinda down here at Fafblog News Headquarters since Howard Dean dropped out of the race and we got stuck with John Kerry who while I am sure is a very nice person and all does not seem to satisfy America's hunger for change, i.e., change which involves cool people.
But a duck! How can you get much more of a change than that! I would vote for a duck! And I know a number of ducks who I believe would make quite fine commanders-in-chief with sensible-yet-forceful foreign policy positions.
But can you elect a duck? Is a duck constitutionally eligible to run for president? This looks like a job for Eugene Volokh or failing him Fafblog's own Volokhbot, which is like Eugene Volokh but a robot, and armed with libertarian death lasers! I would look up the constitutionality of a duck presidency myself but I have so many lemons to clean right now.
posted by fafnir at 12:43 PM
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
So a lot of people get all woogy about electronic voting. "Oh electronic voting is bad." "Oh electronic voting is prone to voter fraud." "Oh electronic voting leaves no paper trail." "Oh electronic voting is for robots." Well if nobody speaks for the robots my friends who will speak for you?
In California they are havin some problems with electronic voting, with the voting machines giving 7000 voters the wrong ballots: "In 21 precincts where the problem was most acute, there were more ballots cast than registered voters."
Well those same anti-robot people are at it again. "Oh, electronic voting is bad." "Oh, you shouldn't have phantom people voting in districts where they don't exist." But aren't phantom people people too? Voter turnout in some precincts was over 100%! That's really good turnout! If someone in San Francisco can vote on people and issues in Anaheim all it means is voters have more choices, and more choices means more democracy, and more democracy is always good! It is part of the wonders that the global village of science and technology have brought us.
So next time you see a voting machine or a robot or a man burning a box full of ballots stop and thank him. He's embiggening your freedom.
posted by fafnir at 10:33 AM
Monday, March 8, 2004
Kevin Drum, cheesedog entrepreneur and Calpundit pundit, is now beocming a professional blogger for The Washington Monthly. Hooray, Kevin Drum! I remember when you were just a little guy sellin cheesedogs and I said "Hey there Kevin Drum how bout you start typin stuff in this here 'introweb' thing because y'know it's real big" and he said "No sir I think I'll stick to m'cheesedogs, m'hmm" and I said "No, it's real easy, lemme show you how" and he said "Nope, cheesedogs" and I said "Really, no, blogging, it's" and this kept up for about the next eleven years but then he took off and became really great. His soon to be commercial success brings a tear of pride to my eye.
I was once offered to be the professionally-paid blogger of Beef Magazine Online but I turned it down because I wanted to stay "indie."
posted by fafnir at 9:16 PM
I have returned from my mysterious travels arooooound the glooooobe but so much has changed since I left America! Haiti is now a different Haiti! Iraq has an interim constitution! George Bush is walkin towards me out of my teevee in slow-motion purposefully and steadfully! The world is now ruled by an evil dictator and Nazis won World War II! - and all on account of I stepped on that butterfly. Stupid butterfly. And Giblets is holding a duck. "What?" he says. "It's Giblets's duck. This duck is Giblets's. Dance for Giblets, duck!" There is so much I need to catch up on.
posted by fafnir at 6:38 PM
Saturday, March 6, 2004
Well Fafblog's travels around the world are nearly over. We have gone to lots of places (like here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here) and we have seen exciting and amazing things, like blimps and eskimos! But now our time is almost done.
In the future stuff looks a lot like the present only older and with more junk. But it is futuristic junk! I am bein shown around by Future Fafnir who looks just like Regular Fafnir (which is me! a shout out to me! hi, me) only he has a space helmet. "Because of the rays," he says. "Oooo," I says. "And because it's the future!" he says. "Hooray!" I says.
"Will we have more stuff in the future?" I says.
"We will have new stuff, but we'll lose some old stuff," he says. "Like we will have more furniture and cars! But we will lose some animals, like frogs and giraffes."
"Oh no!" I says. "Not giraffes!"
"Probly under the furniture," he says.
"What is the future made of," I says. "I have heard the future is our children."
"The future is not really children," he says. "But it is big machines that are programmed to simulate children!"
"Wow!" I says. "Science and technology!"
"And we make toast faster than anyone!" he says, giving me a delicious piece of hot toast.
"Who is in charge of the future?" I says.
"I dunno," he says. "There is lots of news on television, but all the news is about other news, so nobody knows what's goin on."
"What about the economy," I says. "What are the exports of the future? What are the imports."
"We import everything!" he says. "And we export chunky pieces a plastic, like this one on the ground here."
"What about arts and culture?" I says.
"They are very fast," he says. "Everything is fast in the future! TV shows are over in fifteen minutes. CDs are thirty seconds long. We have to be done with them real quick so we can get back to work and get done with work so we can get back to relaxing, fast!"
"Relax!" says Future Giblets runnin up to me. "Relax noooooooow!"
"Wow, you're just like regular Giblets, but angrier and bossier!" says me.
"Now work for Future Giblets," says Future Giblets. "Make textiles."
"How are diplomatic relations between our people in the present and your people in the future?" I says.
"We are angry at the present!" says Future Giblets. "Sooo angry."
"But we miss the present too and would like to move there," says Future Fafnir. "It has nicer parks and beaches."
"You are all so interesting I wish I could stay forever!" I says. "But I have to go back home. I left pretzels cooking!"
"Oh! You don't want your pretzels burned when you get to the future," says Future Fafnir.
"Be better when you go back to the present!" says Future Giblets. "Do not lose your giraffes!"
"Don't worry I won't!" I says. This is my promise to the future. I will not lose my giraffes, and I will not burn my pretzels.
posted by fafnir at 11:13 PM
So Fafnir has called Giblets up from his airblimp - from traveling, which he'll be done with soon - and said "Giiiiibleeeeets, why aren't you piiiiiie-bloooooging" - and Giblets said cause Giblets doesn't care about stupid pie. And he said "But Giiiiiiiibleeeeeets" and I said No more stupid pie! and he said "You've got to do the piiiiiiiiiiie-bloooooogging," and Giblets said okay okay Giblets will blog your pie-blogging! Sheesh.
This is a pie.
It is a stupid fat pie that doesn't know what's good for it. Look at it. If it did, would it be a pie, sitting there to be eaten like a stupid pie? No! It would be a motorcycle or an alligator or a tank or an ape made of smaller apes, all of which could adequately run away from or defend themselves against someone like Giblets who wants to eat them. But it is not a motorcycle or an alligator or a tank or an ape made of smaller apes. It's a stupid pie!
It is also an insolent pie. "Dance for Giblets, pie!" says Giblets. Does the pie dance? No, the pie remains exactly where it is. Insolent pie! It is no good for amusing Giblets. All it is good for is being eaten.
It is also a heartless and insensitive pie. Does it care that Giblets has feelings? Does it ask "How was your day Giblets?" "Are you lonely Giblets?" No, it does not, because it does not care about Giblets, or about anyone. What a horrible, selfish pie.
There is only one thing for you, pie, and that is eating. I wish I could say I am sorry but all Giblets has left for you is bitterness. Giblets almost feels like he never knew you, pie.
It's a bitter, bitter thing to eat a pie.
posted by Giblets at 12:10 PM
So Giblets has finally seen these "Reelect me George Bush" ads everyone is talking about. You can see them here. Giblets believes they are called "Tested," "Strength and Strengthudice," and "Resteadicated."
In them Bush talks about economic recession and includes images of 9/11, which have angered some namby-pamby bleeding-heart "families of the dead." Well, as James Lileks says, "it's called running on one's record. They get to do that."
Okay, fine. War, recession, massive terrorist attack on American soil, that's great - but what're you gonna do for me next year? Nuke in the Sears Tower? Massive depression? Ricin attack in Madison Square Garden? Land invasion of China? Giblets needs some red meat!
posted by Giblets at 9:05 AM
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
This is part of an incredible ongoing series of around the world TRAVELBLOGGING! It's like blogging only with travel attached. What new words can you make while blogging? Try this on your own! Answers are at the bottom. Previous foreign lands have included Canada, Israel, Iraq, Europe, the Moon, the office building, and the mall.
Televison is a mysterious and magical place. I am sitting behind a desk. I have a desk at home but this is much better and shinier - it is a television desk! It is an expert desk! It says "Fafnir is smart and important! Listen up, universe!" I also have a name that magically appears under my face whenever I am shown along with my profession. FAFNIR: FAFNIR. My profession is also Fafnir.
There are other people here - the native inhabitants of television. They are big and loud and puffy and also sit at special television desks like mine, only they have television desks all the time so they're even more special than I am because this isn't my real desk, my real desk is just a plain ol boring ol desk, not a television desk. When I enter a room I do not have exciting theme music and flag color graphics. Everyone gets flag color graphics on television!
We are on and we are arguing, which is what we do on television! "You are stupid and evil and wrong!" says Television Person Opposed To Other Television Person. "No you are stupid and evil and wrong!" says Other Television Person Opposed To Previous Television Person. The host is on here to resolve the dispute. "Stupid!" he says. "Stupid stupid. Evil, evil wrong! Stupid evil, wrong wrong wrong!" The host is on television more than any of us, and is therefore the most real.
Now I am arguing with a man shaped like a wrinkled egg!
"But if we just eat cows all the cows will run away."
"You just want to eat trucks! You're a slave to the Big Truck lobby!"
"All I am saying is why can't people and balloons get along. There is no need for this unilateral anti-balloon aggression."
"National security! National security! What will you do when a balloon causes another 9-11! National security!"
"I believe the humans and the glofish can live in peace."
The host says "Thirty seconds left! Fafnir, final word!" And I have the final word!
"People think things are going down but I think things are going up or better yet sideways, and that's good, because when they go sideways they can go off to the left, which is where the sandwich store is, which is giving out tiny miniaturized bears. Look at all those tiny miniaturized bears. Can't you feel the love America? Can't you feel the love?"
Then we go to Commercial, and now we are a coolrefrshing mountain stream selling a rugged SUV and we are an exploding can of tasty cola and its cartoon mascot and we are a tough yet trustworthy old businessman giving advice on mutual funds and we are so much more! There are so many things on to see and do and be on television! I wish I had more time but there is never enough time on tv.
(-blogging answers: moonblogging, orthoblogging, shoeblogging, Catholoblogging, monsterblogging, explodoblogging, conquistoblogging, Goetterdammerblogging)
posted by fafnir at 9:44 AM