Saturday, March 26, 2005

So the Pope couldn't make it out to Good Friday yesterday. He is described as "ailing" and "frail" but "still lucid." At last the Pope's one true weakness is revealed: weakness!

Your powers are weak, old man! Enfeebled by age, the Pope can no longer summon the sheer force of will needed to mind-control the Catholic Church or bring Ritual Jesus back from the dead every Easter. But Giblets can... and Giblets will, when he becomes the next Pope!

Oh, you'll hear plenty of arguments for replacing this Pope with just another dumb ol' regular Pope, or a super-efficient Robopope, or the unearthly tidal pull of the Moon Pope. All lies and dross! Only Giblets can complete the circle. Only Giblets can drag mankind to salvation as Pope Giblets the First! Behold the new Gibletsian papacy!

On Church and State: The Catholic Church has gotten way too loose about this lately. Pope Giblets will make the delineation perfectly clear: God owns your Church AND your State, and Pope Giblets controls God with his super-God-control Pope hat! Pope Giblets will make this clear on his first official Holy Pantsing of the President.

On Wars: The Pope hasn't declared a decent holy war in ages. What fun is that! Giblets will declare two a year every year to make up for lost time. Let the holy blood flow in rivers! First up: Denmark. Their deliciously buttery cookies are an offense to Jesus.

On Hats: The old Pope is too old to wear the sacred Pope hat: it is too mighty and would crush his feeble brain. What is the use of a Pope-hatless Pope! None, that is what. Giblets will wear the Pope hat everywhere: to breakfast, to pants the President, to the ensquashification of Denmark. Giblets will totally work that Pope hat.

Some will call Giblets a "controversial choice" what with his radical views and his not being Catholic. But Giblets will eat those people and add them to his own considerable power.

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posted by Giblets at 3:21 PM

So I didn’t say anythin about Jesus wreckin my birthday yesterday cause yknow it was Good Friday with the dyin an the crown a thorns an all an I figured Jesus should get an extra day outta that. But then somebody told me Jesus swiped today too which is totally unfair. Jesus didn’t even do anything today, he just got to be dead. That’s not Holy Saturday. That’s not even work! Grabbin a Saturday for just lazin around in the underworld is just greedy.

So I’m takin Holy Saturday for myself from now on. Tell everybody you know cause it’s not Jesus’s anymore. From now on it’s Fafnir’s Birthday 2: The Prequel and it is celebrated in honor of the day when I pick out the streamers an the ice cream an stuff for Fafnir’s Birthday 1 which is a lot trickier than you'd think cause we get a lotta ice cream. In fact I’m thinkin a takin the rest a Holy Week too. Good Friday can be National Dairy Cow Day cause we really don’t appreciate our dairy cows enough an maybe we would if they had a whole day for it. Maundy Thursday can be, I dunno, Be Nice To Philatelists Day on accounta there’s a lotta anti-philatelist prejudice out there.
posted by fafnir at 11:35 AM
Friday, March 25, 2005

It's good to know that even in these dark times, when California and New York City are preparing to join Massachusetts in caving to the forces of Big Gay, that some are still standing up for the forces of Western Civilization, protecting and serving humanity by constantly asking the question, "What basic rights can we strip from gay Americans today?"

Today's ray of hope comes to us from the Alabama Legislature, which is considering a proposal to ban gay adoptions in the state. As Mac Thomason points out, adoption of children by gay couples is already prohibited by Alabama's existing marriage ban, but this measure will helpfully crush those last few single stragglers thinking of raising a child.

Some may spend some misguided sympathy on the plight of a would-be gay parent, but only after forgetting the true victims of gay adoption: the adopted children, taken away from the comfort of an orphanage or an endless succession of foster homes to be raised by a gay parent - a malicious influence set on assimilating all within its reach into the vast phalanx of the Gay.

As all truly informed gayologists know, the Gay convert others to their massive, hive-like collective by implanting the young with gay nanobots, which reproduce and take over the brains of the young, inevitably transforming right, proper, heterosexual brains into diseased Gay brains, infested with bacterial bath houses and camp subcultures. With this fearsome dedication to assimilating all that is right and normal, no child can be left in the care of the Gay be any just society. (From this we can conclude that gays inevitably raise and recruit gay childen, and that gay children are raised and recuited by gays. To Dick Cheney and Alan Keyes: you are fooling no one.)

But is prohibiting gay adoptees enough? What about gay uncles, gay aunts, gay neighbors, gay friends? How can humanity protect its children from the Gay Menace when children may still be unwittingly exposed to gay people on any streetcorner? Only by either wrapping all children across the world in enormous layers of thick, gayproof padding, blinding them from contact with non-straights until the age of thirty, or by rounding up all gays everywhere and placing them in specialized degayification camps. As one of these options is patently absurd, the only sane response is self-evident.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:40 AM
Wednesday, March 23, 2005

- Connect tab A to tab B.
- Mix eggs, sugar and milk.
- Climb the tallest mountain in all the land.
- Now meditate on your mountain experience! It has been a huge waste of time.
- Dice three carrots and add them to the stew.
- You can't dice carrots! You're still on the mountain. Who told you to leave the mountain?
- Eat twelve hot dogs in thirty seconds, then throw up, then tell your grandchildren the epic tale!
- Oh no! While you were on the mountain everybody forgot your birthday. Be sad for two turns.
- There are over 13,000 elk in Washington's Yakima elk herd. Name them.
- Tell the lion that it must spare your life because though it is hungry and mighty and though you are small and weak there once was a time when you showed it mercy by pullin a thorn from its paw. It'll fall for it, lions are dumb like that.
- Dice two onions; now throw them out. This recipe does not use onions.
- Take a break! You've earned it.
- No, no, no, you're doing it all wrong!
- This bassoon once belonged to your father. Take it now, rise up against Baron von Scorpulae, and avenge his death!
- Now throw the monkey off the mountain. Don't tell me you forgot about the mountain!
- Add salt to taste.
- Make a calm and orderly exit until you get near the door. Then make a break for it! Calm and orderly exits are for suckers and lions.
- Call for your long lost love. He can't hear you, you're on a mountain!
- Add mountain and stir. Sprinkle cinnamon.
- Congratulations! You've made a paper crane, or a sock puppet. Chill before eating; serves four to six.

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posted by fafnir at 8:59 PM

"Social Security will go bankrupt even sooner than ever before!" says Mr. Box.
"Oh no!" says me.
"One year earlier, in 2041."
"Run away!"
An the doom an the horror an the big big wolves an the beast with seven heads an ten horns an the scarlet whore of Babylon an the snakes an the bears an the chutes an ladders an the hungry hungry hippos! Who can save us now!
posted by fafnir at 6:51 PM

Good news in Iraq: The US military may be overstretched and the Iraqi police force is untrained, but Iraqis themselves are starting to fight back against insurgents.
Ordinary Iraqis rarely strike back at the insurgents who terrorize their country. But just before noon today, a carpenter named Dhia saw a troop of masked gunmen with grenades coming towards his shop and decided he had had enough.

As the gunmen emerged from their cars, Dhia and his young relatives shouldered their own AK-47's and opened fire, police and witnesses said. In the fierce gun battle that followed, three of the insurgents were killed, and the rest fled just after the police arrived. Two of Dhia's young nephews and a bystander were injured, the police said.

"We attacked them before they attacked us," Dhia, 35, his face still contorted with rage and excitement, said in a brief exchange at his shop a few hours after the battle. He did not give his last name. "We killed three of those who call themselves the mujahedeen. I am waiting for the rest of them to come and we will show them."

It was the first time that private citizens are known to have retaliated successfully against insurgents. There have been anecdotal reports of residents shooting at attackers after a bombing or assassination. But the gun battle today erupted in full view of half a dozen witnesses, including a Justice Ministry official who lives nearby.
And people say vigilantism is bad! You go, Iraqis!
posted by fafnir at 9:16 AM

Giblets has been transfixed - transfixed, I say! - by the grippingly ghoulish saga of Terry Schiavo. Giblets has watched her on the web, on CNN, on Fox, on C-SPAN and C-SPAN 2, and Giblets wants more! The coppery taste of compassionate conservatism is in the water, and Giblets is hungry for more! "If only it could last forever!" you say. Oh, but it can - and Giblets decrees that it SHALL!

Senators, from this day forth none of you will be allowed into Congress without dragging along AT LEAST one (1) vegetative American with a partially liquified brain. Remember, the more you bring with you, the more compassionate you are! You can use them however you want - wave them around, pose them in interesting shapes, demonstrate their need for private Social Security accounts - but you must use them AT ALL TIMES THROUGHOUT THE DAY. If you go without referencing them for thirty seconds, you must either stop to bounce them or pass them to another player on your team.

News media: from now on all your stories must be about Terry Schiavo or Terry Schiavo-related activities. If you are reporting on the war in Iraq, don't tell us if we're "winning" or "losing," tell us what would Terry Schiavo think of the war in Iraq? Can Terry Schiavo follow a balloon in Iraq? Even Saddam Hussein wouldn't unplug Terry Schiavo's feeding tube! Repeat for torture, climate change, UN rape scandals! Interrupt the stream of Schiavomation only for quick cuts of Hannity beating Colmes with an ape femur! Giblets wants to see Terry Schiavo on Larry King, on Leno, on Wheel of Fortune! Spin it, Vanna! Buy that girl an "E"!

Oh, sure, there are plenty of sensate human beings dying in horrible ways around the globe right now, but who cares about them? Iraq? Too foreign! Darfur? Too brown! Medicaid cuts? Too poor-y! Remember, one death is a tragedy, a million are a statistic, but one stretched out to an interminable length makes for endless hours of thrilling tragitainment!
posted by Giblets at 7:27 AM
Sunday, March 20, 2005

There will be no newsbloggin today on accounta this is a cuttin-edge newsblog that only deals with cuttin-edge news an news never happens on a Sunday. There's only one newsworthy thing ever to happen on a Sunday an that's Easter or Fafday which is Fafnir's birthday an that got ruined a coupla thousand years ago when Jesus came back from the dead on it. We were just passin out the punch an the party hats an everythin when Jesus shows up from his tomb with the hosannas an the angel dudes an the big tomb rock.

"Hey Jesus," says me. "If you'd like to sit down we were just gonna have some cake."
"Behold blah blah blah," says Jesus. "Verily blah blah blah."
"You can put your rock over there by the other presents," says me.
"God blah blah blah. Lo blah blah blah."

An a course all the other people at the party are all "Oh it is a sign oh it is the savior" an they all start takin off to be saints an martyrs an popes an stuff an we haven't even got to the presents yet. The only one who stayed around was Giblets an that was just cause he was hungry for cake.

Well this year's gonna be different! This year I'm gonna get lotsa presents an cake for my birthday an none of em are gonna be a rock. All of everybody is invited to come to Fafday for the cake an the painted eggs an the mashmallow bunnies an such. Except for Jesus. Lousy stinkin Jesus.
posted by fafnir at 3:07 PM

Ah, a beautiful Sunday afternoon - at least here in the Medium Lobster's plane of existence. How better to spend it than on the internet!

  • Mark Kleiman finds a few feeding tubes getting removed not to end the suffering of the persistently vegetative, but to end the medical costs of the persistently poor. While congressional Republicans and professional religious mouthpieces have yet to get involved, the Medium Lobster is certain they'll be materializing any minute now, placards and subpoenas in hand - right after they finish cutting the Medicaid programs keeping these people alive.
  • Laura Rozen calls our attention to a good news, bad news situation from the Washington Post. The bad news is that the Bush administration has been lying to its Asian allies, saying that North Korea sold nuclear materials to Libya. The good news is that North Korea didn't sell nuclear materials to Libya! The bad news is that Pakistan did. The good news is that Pakistan is a praiseworthy exemplar of democracy!
  • Gary Farber points out a rather pouty piece from John O'Farrell in The Guardian which laments once again England's lack of a national holiday. O'Farrell toys with, and Mr. Farber rightly embraces, the notion of making Guy Fawkes Day the national day of England. What better way to celebrate your government than by blowing off fireworks on the anniversery of the day someone tried to blow it up?
  • Also via Gary Farber, the Iraqi blog Riverbend has become the first blog to become a musical. This is no doubt a monumental breakthrough for the New Medium that will render the MSM limp, powerless, and depantsed.
  • While you're at Gary Farber's, stop at his tip jar. Like many others, Mr. Farber needs food to live.
  • Finally, Esther Wilberforce-Packard of Topic Drift has a host of items of the utmost importance and urgency to convey to all of you. I dare not summarize for fear of abuse through truncation.
  • posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:12 PM
    Saturday, March 19, 2005

    Giblets, surprisingly enough, is outraged! Giblets just returned from seeing the IMAX documentary "Volcanoes," hoping to calm his jangly nerves with the soothing sight of exploding mountains of magma, only to be incensed by the heresies against established Gibletsian doctrine contained within!

    Not once did the film acknowledge that lava flows are created by Oblos the Fire Monkey at the earth's core, or that continental drift is caused by the armies of mole men who dance for Giblets's amusement! The movie also maintained the mad fiction that complex life evolved over billions of years according to natural selection instead of being assembled in the distant future by the Machine Lords of the Gibletarium! Madness and heresy! Shock and horror!

    Giblets calls for a full boycott of "Volcanoes" by all right and proper Giblets-fearing people and the immediate burning of all apostates involved in its production! In the meantime Gilblets orders the making of decent, accurate documentaries based on the proven, scientific accounts of the origin of the universe found in the holy tome and autobiography, Giblets: The Man, the Myth, the Me.
    posted by Giblets at 2:14 PM
    Thursday, March 17, 2005

    In strict observance of St. Patrick's Day I will be spending most of today making merry with The Little People, magical sprites from a wee bit a heaven that fell down t'earth an God called it Ireland. I have been told they could be midgets forcefully painted green by those aggressively celebrating the spirit of the holiday but I choose to believe in the magic of the Emerald Isle. I have also been told that it is rude to refer to midgets as midgets. The sensitive term is "beastlings" or "fairywinkles."

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    posted by fafnir at 8:59 AM

    Much of the commentary on Bush's recent appointment of Paul Wolfowitz to the head of the World Bank has focused on the question of whether Wolfowitz's appointment is either a calculated snub to war opponents or merely the haphazard disposal of a disgraced Pentagon official long fallen out of favor. Both possibilities miss the true mission for which Wolfowitz has been dispatched: to prepare the next wave of the neocon onslaught in a preventive war on money.

    Indeed, Mr. Wolfowitz's vision for Iraq has been such a catastrophic success that it only makes sense to elevate him from his piffling number two spot in the Pentagon to a role where he can truly wield the spade of American power in the name of zealous global transformation: dispensing loans and grants to countries around the world. It is only a matter of time before Wolfowitz cannily utilizes his newfound power to organize a unilateral American invasion of the global monetary supply, complete with the kidnapping and torture of members of the International Monetary Fund, designed to trigger a "democratic domino effect" across the world of international finance.

    But how qualified is Paul Wolfowitz to run the World Bank? At least as qualified as John Bolton is to handle his new duties as America's ambassador to the UN - duties which properly and naturally consist of mooning Kofi Annan at meetings of the Security Council.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:15 AM
    Wednesday, March 16, 2005

    "We ARE our leaders," says me on the alien spaceship. "Klaatu barada nikto!"
    "It's true!" says Giblets. "Fafnir and Giblets blaze the trails that petty men must follow!"
    "How fortunate to have found you on the first try!" says the aliens.
    "We present you with this ceremonial offerin of Earth delicacies," says me.
    "Behold the half-eaten danish an the styrofoam coffee cup!" says Giblets.
    "This is quite strange and inedible," says the aliens.
    "That's cause you're eatin it wrong," says me. "You're supposed to eat the crunchy white part first an the sugary caffeinated sludge second."
    "They are befouling our rites!" says Giblets. "They are trampling upon our ancient rituals!"
    "We meant no offense to you or your potentate," says the aliens. "Please forgive us."
    "Well I dunno," says me. "We are a very sensitive people."
    "Throw them to the lavabeasts!" says Giblets. "Make them Pass the Test!"
    "We beg your understanding! We come in peace!" says the aliens.
    "Your apology is accepted," says Giblets.
    "We present you with this gift of a wacky wall-walker, Earth's most sacred creature," says me.
    "Beware - it walks down walls!" says Giblets.
    "We shall treasure it always," says the aliens. "But please - tell us of this Test."
    "The initiates are divided into two teams of five players each," says me. "One team is called 'shirts' on accounta they wear shirts an the other is called 'skins' on accounta they wear the skins a their defeated opponents."
    "They fight for possession of a ball with vast ceremonial significance," says Giblets. "Axes and firearms are barred by regulation."
    "An then we release the dragons," says me.
    "The winning team devours the guts of the losing team and adds their chi to its own," says Giblets, "after four rounds of tournament play."
    "Your culture seems so advanced yet so barbaric," says the aliens.
    "We're fulla paradoxes an complexities," says me. "Behold as we give life to this inanimate slinky!"
    "And take it away again before it can fully traverse the stairs!" says Giblets.
    "There is so much we could learn from you," says the aliens. "Allow us to meet the rest of your people."
    "I dunno if you're ready to meet us," says me.
    "We are far too advanced for your comprehension," says Giblets. "Our mysteries and enigmas would explode your tiny minds!"
    "Perhaps some day in the future, when our own culture has sufficiently advanced to understand yours," says the aliens.
    "It's a difficult journey to cosmic enlightenment an stuff," says me. "Just keep on chuggin there."
    "Farewell mortal beings!" says Giblets. "Keep watching the skies!"

    We leave em at the house with the others an take off in the ship on our never-endin mission a cosmic awareness.

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    posted by fafnir at 9:16 AM
    Tuesday, March 15, 2005

    From Katherine and Hilzoy at Obsidian Wings I hear Representative Edward Markey has a bill to ban "extraordinary rendition", the practice of shipping prisoners off to countries that torture people, asking em "you aren't gonna torture this guy, are you, wink wink" and then waiting for them to get tortured. Markey says more about it here.

    Right now the bill has fifty-two co-sponsors. No Republicans have signed onto it so far and Dennis Hastert says he's opposed to it. They probably got a pretty good reason though. Like maybe the torture jobs we send overseas will help build up the foreign torture markets so overseas torturers can get better salaries an buy more goods an help their economies in developin countries an such. Global torture lifts everybody's boat and we all win the end! Or just turn into monsters.

    You can write your congressman here.
    posted by fafnir at 7:00 PM

    There's a bomb on the streets of Hypotheticopolis - a ticking bomb! - and only Giblets can stop it! But time is running out and in order to find it Giblets may have to resort to the first weapon of last resort: torture. But oh how to apply it in this delicate moral quandry!

    Detainee #0001: ABU MUHAMMED AL-HITLER. An evil Islamist Nazi space beast from space, only he knows the location of the secret marble-sized Death Bomb that could explode the world at any moment! He is also made of poison and eats babies by the bucket! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Giblets doesn't have to think about this one - he's made of poison, people! Giblets will of course regret this terrible violation of human rights and civil liberties, almost as much as he will regret enjoying it.

    Detainee #0002: ABU MOHAMMED AL-HITLER. So Giblets grabbed the wrong al-Hitler the first time. How was Giblets supposed to know Muhammed was such a common name! But now Giblets has his man! - probably! - and he isn't talking. TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? There is no question about it with the zillions of lives at stake! The good of the many! The good of the one! But oh how Giblets feels for human rights! Giblets will pour one out for his human rights homies when he is done.

    Detainees #0003-#0026: A BUSLOAD OF GUYS WHO MIGHT HANG OUT WITH ABU MOHAMMED AL-HITLER. Okay, so that last guy didn't seem to know anything either. But we've grabbed this bus coming out of the Terror District in Terrortown and some of these guys gotta be terrorists! Right now all of 'em deny everything, but that's just what you'd expect of the lousy terrorist buddies of a baby-eating Nazi. TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Well, it's a big bus! Some of 'em have to deserve it, so bring it on - we still have a ticking bomb to find! 'Course there's gonna be innocent victims which will be a terrible tragedy. Oh, the fog of war, oh the eggs and omelettes! Mmmm, omelettes. Giblets could really go for one of those right about now.

    Detainee #0027: DR. PEPPER. Nothin' feels better in the middle of a long hard day of torture than a tall frosty glass of Dr. Pepper. The only thing this prisoner is aiding and abetting is refreshment!

    Detainee #0028: PIZZA MAN JOE. The bus terrorists were useless! But they did give Giblets the name of Pizza Man Joe, the pizza delivery man who may very well have delivered hot, deliciously Islamist pizza to Abu Mohammed al-Hitler at his secret bomb base! He claims he doesn't remember where he dropped off those sleeper-cell cinnamon stix, but a little torture ought to jog his memory! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? This isn't some ordinary pizza guy. He's the pizza guy of terror. And there are the estimated one point five squillion innocent lives! Blah blah human rights blah.

    Detainee #0029: ME. Pizza Man Joe has told Giblets nothing! - or has he? Maybe he told Giblets exactly where to find the ticking bomb but Giblets is holding it back because Giblets has gone over to the other side! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Oh, sure, Giblets might look innocent, but we can't take any chances with jabillions of lives in the balance! Besides, where'd Giblets get all this experience torturing people? That's for terrorists! This might take a while - I got a feelin' I'm gonna be a tough nut to crack.

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    posted by Giblets at 5:51 PM
    Monday, March 14, 2005

    August 17, 1939 – Tangier
    I been runnin for a while now an I figure the coast's clear when I'm headin back to my hotel. I'll go upstairs, grab the jaguar statue, maybe get a bagel or a muffin from the lobby, then head on back to the airport an get outta here. I been in this city too long anyhow.
    I'm steppin outta the room when I figure out I'm not alone. It's the moose, an he's found me.
    "You've got a lot to learn about this city, Mr. Fafnir," says the moose. "This town, well, it's a moose town. And when you come at the moose, Mr. Fafnir, you'd better not miss."

    September 20, 1961 – Belgrade
    I'm at the bar mindin my business when the moose shows up. He sits next to me an orders his drink.
    "I didn’t come here lookin for trouble," says me.
    "Well maybe I did," says the moose.
    I don't know what to say after that so I just keep starin on ahead. The moose coughs. I order a coke but they only have Pepsi which is kinda disappointin on accounta I never liked Pepsi. The moose starts whistlin an ol showtune but forgets how it goes. I get up sayin I gotta go to the bathroom but instead I just go home.

    December 15, 1978 – Moscow
    The moose has tied me to a bomb an he's gonna set it off, oh no!
    "Mwa-hahahahaha!" says the moose.
    "Oh you will never get away with this the moose," says me.
    "Oh-hohohohoho!" says the moose.
    "Oh you will certainly pay for your dastardly crimes," says me.
    "Eh-hehehehehe!" says the moose.
    Course the bomb doesn't go off an the moose gets real sad. "Christmas is ruined forever," says the moose. "Oh it's not that bad," says me. We decorate it up real nice an pretty soon it's the sweetest little Christmas tree in town.

    April 24, 1996 – Newark
    "Hey!" says me to the moose. "What're you doin in my house!"
    The moose is just wakin up on the couch. There's chips an beer cans an pizza boxes all over the room. "Aw man," says the moose. "I didn't know you’d be gettin home so quick."
    I start foldin my arms an tappin my foot like so.
    "Dude, I kinda had to use your credit card a little," says the moose on his way to the bathroom, "but I can totally pay you back." Man am I sick a this moose.

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    posted by fafnir at 9:13 PM

    Reports of American torture and complicity in torture have become increasingly alarming, as new information reveals the widespread participation of the CIA in torturing prisoners, rendering them to other countries to be tortured, kidnapping them from other countries to be rendered to other countries, hiding them from oversight as "ghost detainees" - most of these activities either duplicated by or in conjunction with the United States military. As a pattern of systematic torture and abuse emerges within the intelligence and security community, we are forced to ask ourselves: is America doing enough torture?

    Each of the several hundred cases of torture documented so far was surely a matter of urgent national security, indicating that hundreds of terrorist cells have been broken up with the cunning and skillful application of electrical cords and broomstick handles. But this cannot be enough. For every bomb plot foiled by cleverly sodomizing a prisoner with a chemical light, there surely must be a dozen more dirty bombs and anthrax attacks waiting in the wings. The forces of freedom need more boots on the ground, and they need those boots to be kicking emaciated prisoners in the groin.

    Since torture is an effective, morally acceptable means to prevent terror, the only problem with our current policy is that it fails to torture all terrorists. America must cast a wider net over the Arab world, building bigger and better facilities - camps, if you will - in which we can detain and torture as many terrorists as possible, limiting its targets to terrorists, suspected terrorists, associates of suspected terrorists, associates of associates of suspected terrorists, family members of associates of associates of suspected terrorists, and people with names very close to those of terrorists, suspected terrorists, associates of suspected terrorists, associates of associates of suspected terrorists, and family members of associates of associates of suspected terrorists. This would be a massive, international effort to stamp out evil, the likes of which has not been seen since the time of World War II, and while America has already begun to cooperate with other nations to achieve multilateral torture over the last few years, the project should be expanded greatly, as the full number of possible terrorists could be as high as one billion.

    It would be difficult, and perhaps even impossible, to maintain the secrecy of such a massive undertaking, but the Medium Lobster doesn't see this as much of an obstacle. The majority of Americans appear to be either supportive of or indifferent to torture, as evidenced by the solid majority of senators who confirmed a solidly pro-torture attorney general, and would surely welcome another weapon in the anti-Islamist arsenal. Oh, the reactionary Left would wail and moan about its "international law" and its "human rights," but the true face of America would look to a strong, secure future, right before getting bashed in with a cudgel.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:28 PM

    Giblets feels for China right now. Giblets is also the legitimate ruler of a country which does not recognize his sovereignty: the United States. Also Canada, Mexico, the UK, France, Germany, Russia, Brazil, the Czech Republic, the Dominican Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, Poland, Mongolia, Tibet, Belgium, the Netherlands, Norway, Ukraine, Georgia, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Tajikistan, Peru, Colombia, the Vatican, Belize, Burkina Faso, Chad, Somalia, Gambia, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Malawi, Panama, the Marshall Islands, the Solomon Islands, Palau, Swaziland, China, Taiwan, Leprechonia, and the Moon – oh, the insolence of the Moon!

    These breakaway provinces and possibly some others Giblets has momentarily forgotten are in a state of rebellion against Giblets which cannot be tolerated! Thus Giblets has passed the Anti-Secession Law of the People’s Republic of Gibletsia, which authorizes Giblets to use military force on those nations who will not re-unify peacefully with him. Giblets stands ready to deploy the army of Gibletsia – last estimated at around 6.5 billion – to retake what is his.

    Giblets also chooses to reveal at this time that he is married to numerous wives and mistresses including any number of ex-girlfriends, supermodels, mythological entities, and that hot chick Giblets saw on the subway last week, all of whom have inexplicably separated themselves from Giblets. If they do not remarry Giblets peacefully, Giblets is prepared to authorize himself to club them over the head and drag them back to his cave.
    posted by Giblets at 11:32 AM

    So a hundred years from now me an Giblets are talkin bout Dan Rather.

    "Who's Dan Rather?" says Giblets.
    "He was that guy on the TV," says me. "Yknow that reporter they let read the news."
    "Giblets rejects your fantastic tale!" says Giblets. "Why would we need a reporter to read the news when we have the sonorous efficacy of the newsmobots!"
    "I like the newsmobots," says me, "but I can't pick between the gentle lull of the Brokawbot and the knowing wink of the Jenningsoid."
    "Your antiquated network news droids pale before the might of the cable babblebots!" says Giblets. "Where else can Giblets watch Bad Bill Factor battle Savage Matthews for the right to fight Mad Lord Hannity to the death in the heart of Pundidome!"
    "Now that's journalism," I says. "It tells a simple yet compelling story that relates to me."
    "Stories like what's happening to Michael Jackson? What's Michael Jackson doing today? How does the CIA's illegal kidnapping and torture of foreign nationals affect Michael Jackson?" says Giblets.
    "Dan Rather did a story about torture way back in the day," says me.
    "I remember that one," says Giblets. "It was like, 'Hey everybody torture is great, you should try it'."
    "He also did that thing on that dead Kennedy guy," says me.
    "Oh yeah!" says Giblets. "He was that guy from the Dead Kennedys!"
    "Sometimes I miss the ol days," says me. "Back when news was new an reporters reported an everybody hadn't got eaten by the Monstrolords."
    "Our democratically-elected Monstrolords," says Giblets. "And I'm sure they had a very good reason for it."
    "A good reason that we'll get to watch tonight on the news," says me.

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    posted by fafnir at 8:16 AM
    Thursday, March 10, 2005

    "I believe in a nation of laws rigorously ordered according to the dictates of logic and reason," says James Madison, "and I propose that each citizen be apportioned his vote based upon his balance of the four cardinal elements of earth, wind, water, and fire, to be measured in a census conducted by the Alchemist General."
    "Nonsense and poppycock!" says Alexander Hamilton. "Your antique notions have no place in the modern age, Madison! Votes should be weighted according to a man's balance of true natural elements, aligned according to the periodic table. Thus a man whose essence is comprised primarily of phosphorpous receives half the legislative representation of a man whose spirit is made of zinc!"
    "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please," says God. "I believe I have the solution. You may call Me old-fashioned, but I believe the governing structure of this new law should be based firmly on the Biblical principles of a strong executive, an independent judiciary, a bicameral legislature with an upper and lower house, checks and balances, and a bill of rights to ensure the preservation of basic liberties."
    "That's a great idea God!" says me. "I don't know why we didn't think it up ourselves!"

    Then when nobody's lookin Earl Warren an the ACLU show up an beat up God an steal his lunch money an that's when slavery an stuff happens.

    Labels: ,

    posted by fafnir at 4:49 PM

    This is a new pie, a different pie. It is filled with strange exotic spices from strange exotic lands. It is the spinach pie.

    "Please," it says in its breathy accent. "Spanakopita."

    It's not like any pie you've ever met before. Its crust is lighter and flakier, its filling is richer and lightly seasoned. It smokes foreign cigarettes an talks about its homeland and its baked cousins in distant lands: the cheese pie, the walnut cookie, the fried bean mush. You tell it about the mysterious sponge cakes an pizza bagels made by your own countrymen an it pretends to pay attention.

    The pie becomes distant and aloof. It starts makin fun a your low-class Crisco-based friends. You try to get to know it better by learnin Greek an rollin phyllo dough but it is all in vain. "You will never understand my people," sighs the spinach pie. "Go back to your lemon meringue and your chocolate custard."

    So now you're sittin there with your broken heart an your empty stomach an you're wonderin what went wrong. Was it was you? Was it the pie? Were you just too different? Was it never meant to be? What are you, crazy? It's just a piece a pie! Eat it an have some dessert, they got good ice cream here.

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    posted by fafnir at 1:19 AM
    Tuesday, March 8, 2005

    Oppression, foreign occupation, and military dictatorships get a bad rap. Oh, you hear a lot of people whining about how great freedom and democracy are, but how often do you hear people sticking up for the other side of the story, other than Jonah Goldberg? Well today Hezbollah took to the streets to proudly stand up for the right to continue getting stomped on by Syria and all Giblets has to say is well done! Giblets just wishes he could've been there to sing old standards like "Hey hey, ho ho, peaceful liberation has got to go" and "We Won't Overcome." Now that the pro-being-occupied movement is finally taking off, there might be some hope for some of its cousins, like the Society for Getting Punched in the Face and People for the Ethical Treatment of Cancer.
    posted by Giblets at 4:23 PM
    Monday, March 7, 2005

    Blogging is coming to the White House! As of today a blogger has been credentialed to cover the White House briefing room, and so have me an Giblets! Here we are at a press gaggle this afternoon. The blogging revolution has arrived!

    GIBLETS: Scott, last week liberal professor Dr. Martin Van Sequitur at the University of Montana at Kerplunk said, “I think we should make it legal to eat babies. They are plump and succulent and quite lovely when marinated in a light wine sauce.” Why has no one on the Left denounced this baby-eating leftist icon! Are liberals pro-baby eating?
    MCLELLAN: That’s an excellent question, Giblets, and let me respond by saying that the president has been on the record as opposing baby-eating since his second term as governor of Texas and that this kind of tragedy isn’t going to end until we reform Social Security into a system that encourages growth, promise, and ownership.
    FAFNIR: Scott I would like to say first of all that I am astonished at the actions of Professor Van Sequitur an I denounce them completely an he should be fired an stuff. But how come Giblets is denouncin baby-eatin now when people on the right like Sean Hannity an Trent Lott endorsed baby-eatin?
    MCLELLAN: The president welcomes any and all support in his efforts to fix Social Security for a future that needs growth, promise, and ownership.
    GIBLETS: Scott, it has been three minutes since Giblets called on the Left to denounce Martin Van Sequitur en masse and only one liberal has denounced him at all and that was just Fafnir who doesn’t even count! Why hasn’t Giblets heard from Helen Thomas on the burgeoning Van Sequitur scandal?
    MCLELLAN: Again, this just demonstrates the difficulty the president has had working with congressional Democrats on this issue. The president wants to move forward so the American people can retire with a system that encourages growth, promise, and ownership.
    FAFNIR: Scott, I got a previous press gaggle transcript here where Giblets says “Mmmm, these babies are delicious! Bring more to Giblets, he shall feast upon their tasty flesh!” So how come eating babies is bad when liberals do it an good when Giblets does it?
    MCLELLAN: That issue was settled in the campaign. The president wants to move beyond the past and work with Democrats to encourage growth, promise, and ownership in Social Security.
    GIBLETS: Scott, Giblets has been viciously smeared by Fafnir! That quote was taken out of context to imply that Giblets was eating babies when he was only eating cow babies in the form of veal, which is delicious and American! Why must the left always engage in this electronic character assassination!
    FAFNIR: Cows are people too! It’s just this kinda anti-cow prejudice that’s lead to America’s deteriorating alliance with the cows. Scott when will the president stop avoidin the cow ambassador? Is he ever gonna reschedule his meetin with the cow king?
    MCLELLAN: Cows are America’s closest ally, Fafnir, and if you look at Iraq you’ll see that there are over a million of America’s cow allies in Iraq right now working with American troops to help Social Security encourage growth, promise, and ownership.
    GIBLETS: Again with the cows! Fafnir is always looking for a cow permission slip before America defends itself. Well Giblets wants to know what Fafnir’s cows are planning to do about the epidemic of baby-eating in academia! UPDATE: Welcome Instapundit readers!
    MCLELLAN: The president has always maintained that the cows we eat today aren’t the same cows we ate when Social Security was first designed. Those cows are dead, and stringy. What we need are cows with growth, promise, and ownership.
    FAFNIR: Scott most a those cows are American cows an the ones that aren’t are workin with the insurgency. What’re we doin to win the hearts an minds of cows on the Arab street?
    GIBLETS: Giblets is proud to report that Gertrude Vindication, president emeritus of the University of Montana at Kerplunk, has resigned in disgrace! Victory! Victory for Gibleeeets! When will the president bow to Giblets, Mclellan! When will he bow to Giblets – NOOOOOW!
    MCLELLAN: Growth growth growth, ownership ownership ownership, moo. Good day.

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    posted by fafnir at 11:38 PM

    dubya tee eff“God dammit!” says Chris Matthews tossin papers left an right in righteous indignation! “I can’t go on the air with this! I asked for triple-sourced, not double-sourced!”
    “But Mr. Matthews,” an aide says, “We did our best. It’s only cable.”
    “No excuses!” says Chris Matthews punchin him out with a bust of H. L. Mencken! “We’re journalists. We need facts, figures, dates! All you’ve got for me is warmed-over rumor and Beltway gossip!”
    “Well, maybe we can pad out the show with clips of Howard Dean screaming,” says a producer.
    “Never!” says Chris Matthews throwin him out a window where he explodes! “I’m a newsman, dammit, and I’m here to inform the public about things that matter, not to pander and showboat for ratings! Now we’re gonna get out there and tell the truth!

    MATTHEWS: The thing about Laura Bush is that she’s got old-style flair, that old movie star flair, like a Rita Hayworth or a Grace Kelly! Don’t you think that’s true? Don’t you think that’s part of the appeal?
    GUEST: Well, maybe, but backing up to the Pentagon’s involvement in detainee abuse, the Secretary’s memo shows us just how much –
    MATTHEWS: Are you tellin’ me as a man you wouldn’t hit that if you had the chance? ‘Cause I’m tellin’ you I would! Take a look at those gazongas! Can I still say “gazongas” or is that not “P.C.” these days?
    GUEST: I… I really don’t know.
    MATTHEWS: We’re outta time! When we come back: is Michael Jackson’s penis destroying the Democratic Party? Ron Reagan Jr. and Howard Fineman will be here!

    “The message got out,” says Chris Matthews. “We told the Truth. But will the people listen?” Only time will tell… time, and Chris Matthews, Star Reporter!

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    posted by fafnir at 9:06 PM

    Sorry we’ve been away for a while. We’ve been workin on our brand new pilot for ABC, Spelling, about a brilliant spelling bee champion who solves crimes with the power of spelling! Here’s a sample.

    "Oh no, a crime!"
    "Maybe we can solve it – with spelling!"
    "Applesauce. A-P-P-L-E-S-A-U-C-E. Applesauce."

    "So, you are the American dog who spells for the Great Satan, eh? Well, now you will spell for the jihad!"
    "Never!"

    "We’ll never disarm this bomb in time! It’s impossible!"
    "You can't spell 'impossible' without 'possible'! Let's go, team!"
    "Australopithecine. A-U-S-T-R-A..."

    I got a good feelin about this one. Keep your fingers crossed!
    posted by fafnir at 6:18 PM
    Friday, March 4, 2005

    Today for Giblets's amusement he shall pit his own servants against each other! The monkey and the elephant will fight to the finish in the Arena of Doom for the honor of serving Giblets! Two may enter! Only one may leave! Only the strong shall survive!

    What madness is this! Monkey, elephant, Giblets commanded you to devour each other in a bloodbath of Darwinian proportions, not sit there eating bananas and pellets! You are boring the Arena of Doom! You are making it the Arena of Boring!

    "Monkeys an elephants don't eat each other," says Fafnir.
    "Impossible!" says Giblets. "The monkey and the elephant are mad beasts of war and destruction unleashed by Giblets upon the earth!"
    "They're herbivorous," says Fafnir. "I read it in Fafnir's Big Book A Monkeys An Elephants."
    "Your book is insolent, what does it know, it knows nothing!" says Giblets.
    "Here ya go, have a delicious apple!" says Fafnir to the monkey.
    "Bhaheh! Don't encourage them!" says Giblets.

    Giblets is dissatisfied.

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    posted by Giblets at 9:54 PM
    Thursday, March 3, 2005

    Campaign finance reform is coming to the internet, and the Medium Lobster must say it's long overdue. No longer will bloggers simply be able to freely link to a candidate's website, or wildly and irresponsibly endorse one politician's views over another, or corrupt the democratic process with an overpowering onslaught of HTML-borne free speech. Thanks to John McCain, Russ Feingold and U.S. District Court judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly, political speech on the internet will be as the Founding Fathers always wished it would be: bottled up and controlled.

    The Medium Lobster's one complaint is that the judge's ruling doesn't go far enough. Certainly the excesses of the blogosphere will now be held in place, but how can there be true campaign reform when the spoken word goes unchecked? Every day, millions of Americans make unchecked and unregulated political contributions by making political endorsements on sophisticated verbal logs - or "verblogs," if you will - comprised of billions of currently untracked sound waves transmitted through the atmosphere. Until these words are properly tracked, counted, and restricted by the FEC according to the arbitrary limits of McCain-Feingold, American democracy will forever remain a prisoner of Big Speech.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:00 PM

    Freedom has been on the crawl of late. From the reforms of Mahmoud Abbas’s Palestine to the upheavals in Lebanon to Hosni Mubarak’s promise of a slightly less rigged election in Egypt’s near future, the Mideast is taking confident baby-steps toward a more democratic future – and mostly as a response simply to civil demonstrations and diplomatic pressure. One might draw the conclusion that it is therefore possible to nudge corrupt and tyrannical regimes in the direction of freedom and democracy without massive preventive invasions, enormous loss of life, and inaccurate, bad-faith presentations of casus belli. But one would be wrong – oh, so terribly wrong. For had the United States not bludgeoned Iraq into a quasi-democratic shape, the Muslim world would never have thought to try democracy on its own. Indeed, before the Iraq war, Arabs scarcely knew that democracy existed.

    News travels slowly in the Mideast, where messages are still passed from place to place by antique methods such as carrier pigeon and satellite television. As a result, most Arabs knew little of the existence or nature of the world beyond them, or of "the West" and its fabled "democracy." In a prewar poll exclusively conducted by researchers at the Medium Lobster Institute of International Studies, 43% of Middle East respondents believed that "democracy" was "a spicy dish made from ground lamb and cinnamon," while 28% believed it was one of several methods for removing female body parts deemed offensive by the Koran. Even more troubling, when asked about "freedom," 68% of Muslims either "disapproved" or "strongly disapproved" of the concept, while 16% were undecided. Nearly two-thirds of all respondents agreed with the statement "If you're Muslim, or perhaps brown-skinned, you can't be self-governing and free."

    But all this changed with the January elections in Iraq. Suddenly the Muslim world became aware of a new concept – “freedom” – began to investigate it, and think to itself, “Is this right for me?” The more Lebanese, Egyptians and Palestinians considered their options, the safe, old military dictatorship and permanent foreign occupations just didn’t seem to satisfy them anymore.

    One might argue that the progress in Palestine and Lebanon would never have taken place without the death of Yasser Arafat and the assassination of Rafik al Hariri, but why didn’t Palestinians and Lebanese simply say, “Let’s give old corrupt tyranny another go, it’s worth one more shot” when given the opportunity? Because this time they were aware of an alternative: an alternative called freedom. And that alternative would not have been there for them had the American military not been there to invade, occupy, and torture a neighboring country.

    Make no mistake: the Iraq war has brought us significant progress. In a poll conducted just days after the Iraqi election, Mideast residents overwhelmingly described their feelings toward freedom and democracy as “positive,” and 66% correctly identified it as “a system of government in which power is vested in the people, who rule either directly or through freely elected representatives”; only 12% described it as “an abomination of ghosts and worms.” Sadly, being only aware of Iraqi democracy, the entire Middle East currently believes that democracy only functions with sporadic elections for anonymous Islamist candidates in the midst of a massive terrorist campaign. What is needed is a better role model: another, more violent invasion of a bigger, more responsive country ought to do the trick. The Medium Lobster is open to suggestions.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:59 PM

    So the other day I'm watchin the teevee like I do hopin to find enlightening educational material to enhance my understanding of the modern world when all of a sudden I'm lookin at naked people! Real live naked people rubbin up against each other in an almost-convincing simulation of real live sex on my real live television! This isn't the kinda material I expected to see when I purchased my subscription to the Spice Channel.

    It gets worse though. Last week I was watchin a documentary on HBO called "Real Sex," which I was lookin forward to seein on accounta I'm a big fan of the documentary genre. So I decided to watch this one thinkin it was about somethin educational like the development of the cotton gin or the lonely life of a depression-era migrant worker an while it had some qualities of both it had a lot of strong sexuality which I found shockin an inappropriate especially as I brought my four young children* in to see the program with me an of course it warped their tiny little developing brains forever. I probably shoulda changed the channel at some point but I kept expectin them to change back to a family-appropriate topic such as the Peloponnesian War or the history of knitting.

    If only there was somebody out there ready to step in an protect my squishily vulnerable little mind by regulating cable TV. Maybe the nice folks who wanna protect me from cigarette smoke whenever I go into bars can help me out here!

    Perhaps the most horrible betrayal happened on the FX network where I tuned in to see Michael Chiklis apparently reprisin his role as TV's beloved The Commish. But to my horror even the non-threateningly portly guardian of law and order is now out to corrupt my brains with violence, language an adult situations such as in this scene in which the Commish interrogates a hard-boiled Latino gangsta:

    "Looks like I might just havta have sex with you into talkin!" says the Commish.
    "You just try it copper!" says the hard-boiled Latino gangsta.

    Someone must stop the madness but who? Where have you gone Michael Powell? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

    *Their names are Faflo, Fafler, Fafamajig, and Moo Cow. Catch all their zany adventures each Saturday morning on "The Fafblog Babies"!
    posted by fafnir at 10:05 AM
    Wednesday, March 2, 2005

    We been trapped in the house for a coupla days now but we’re gonna break loose an get back to the internet any minute now just as soon as I find a way to sneak past this pack a wild pandas outside my door. They are all hungry an slaverin an tryin to eat me an Giblets so I call up the panda company an they send a bigger panda over to scare off the little pandas but it goes crazy an eats the little pandas and starts slaverin in fronta my door tryin to eat me an Giblets. This isn’t good! The panda company apologizes; they musta had a defective panda for which they apologize profusely. They send over a robotic control panda to deal with the big panda but they mate an produce offspring which slaver in fronta my door tryin to eat me an Giblets. The panda company is so happy, they say they have been tryin to get the robot to reproduce forever an robot pandas are very rare an endangered an I got to witness the whole miracle a life an nature an whatsis myself I should feel so lucky! I’m gettin tired a the panda company so I call up the polar bear company which oughtta produce better results I bet.

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    posted by fafnir at 2:09 AM
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