Sunday, February 13, 2005

He rides across the desert with a six-shooter in one hand an a federal construction contract in the other. It's the last a the wild cowboy Homeland Security fence-builders himself: Homeland Joe.

Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
Riding across the dusty plains
Where no one dares to go!
Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
Checking your passport photo
Where the wild Injuns roam!
Homeland Jooooooe!

"It's a mad lawless thing, buildin' mad lawless fences in a mad lawless world," says Homeland Joe. "But somebody's gotta do it." An then he wrestles a buffalo.

But there's dangers on the fence-buildin range. After a day of fightin Indians an cattle rustlers, that's when the endangered condors swoop down an carry off the construction workers in their terrible terrible claws!

"Every day I lose fifty good men to them critters," says Homeland Joe ropin up some stray cattle.
"Why don't you fight back an shoot em Joe!" says me.
"'Cause some durn fool down in Washington made it illegal!" says Joe an there is a terrible fire in his eyes.
"Oh no!" says me. "But Joe can't you pass a law to make you able to break the law?"
"I would if'n I could," says Homeland Joe lassoin a cactus. "Then I coulda hired me some illegal immigrants for six cents an hour an finished this fence months ago. But some judge woulda called it 'unconstitutional'!"
Then we're attacked by bloodthirsty pandas!

Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
Tied down by Lilliputian laws
That we can never know!
Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
If he employs a team a' six year olds
Freedom will surely flow!
Homeland Jooooooe!

Homeland Joe rides the dusty trails lookin to fence in illegal immigrants. But when we find em they're all bein smuggled into the country by the Rehnquist Gang!

"You hold it right there now, John Paul Stevens," says Homeland Joe. "You jus' put down that family a' terrorist Mexicans real slow-like."
"I reckon you ain't gonna, lawman," says Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "Anythin' you do to us we're gonna rule it unconstitutional!"
"You gotta shoot em Joe!" says me.
"I can't," says Joe hangin his mighty head in shame. "Murder's still against the law."
"If only there was some kinda way to make a law immune to other laws and to the legal system at the same time," says me.
"Maybe they is, an' maybe they ain't," says ol man Rehnquist ridin off on his black horse. "But y'all're too yella to try!"
Joe is helpless to stop the Mexicans an they all grow up to be Osama bin Laden.

Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
He's all that stands between us
And the hordes of Mexico!
Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
Let him kill some people,
He won't get anyone you know!
Homeland Jooooooe!

"All I'm askin' for is the power to to waive all laws," says Homeland Joe spittin out a big chunk a tobacco. "So I can build a big fence across the Mexican border an' establish a system a' National ID cards."
"Whew," says me. "For a second there I thought it was gonna be for somethin crazy!"
"But them fancy-pants bureacrats down in Washington," says Homeland Joe, roastin a herd a cows over a barbecue spit, "hell, all they care 'bout is rules 'n regulations, like 'labor rules' an' 'not poisoning people' an' 'the rule of law'."
"Maybe it'll happen someday," says me.
"Maybe," says Homeland Joe tippin his hat an turnin his horse towards the sunset. Soldier on, good hero! Soldier on.
posted by fafnir at 11:13 AM



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