Monday, February 14, 2005

"Giblets is the enemy of love!" says Giblets with his anti-love arsenal. "He will hunt it and kill it and mount its head upon his wall!"
"I dunno Giblets," says me. "I'm thinkin maybe this doesn't have as much to do with love as it's got to do with you gettin dumped again by Noodles."
"She will come crawling back to Giblets!" says Giblets. "She will come crawling back to Giblets NOOOOW!"
"There's plenty a women in the sea," says me. "Like mermaids an naiads an squidladies."
"Keep your half-octopus females to yourself!" says Giblets. "All they wanna do is digest Giblets and turn him into ink."
"A good woman is like a fine cheese," says me. "Or a large hat. Or an aggrieved sasquatch. Or an elephant made outta trees an ropes an lotsa smaller elephants."
"Giblets never wants to see another elephant again!" says Giblets. "He is done with them and their cheating hearts! He is burning all pianos!"
"But you love the elephants," says me. "You can't live with em an you can't live without em."
"Cause they tear out your liver an brains an replace em with the fungal herbs of the undead," says Giblets.
"Women like zombies on accounta their drive," says me. "Zombies keep their eyes on the prize an the prize is eatin brains."
"Yes very goal-oriented," says Giblets. "But what of the robots! With their laser-mounted death beams an their single-track extermination programming they sweep the ladies off their feet!"
"In the battle a robots an zombies everybody loses," says me. "That's why all sides have to work together to end the robot-zombie arms race."
"You talk madness, we need the robots to keep the zombies at bay!" says Giblets. "There's no goin back once the robot-zombie genie's outta the bottle!"
"That kinda thinkin won't protect us from zombies or robots," says me. "It'll only lead to mutually assured zombification."
"That's just a price we'll have to pay to win the war," says Giblets.
"The war of love," says me.

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posted by fafnir at 11:19 AM
Sunday, February 13, 2005

The past week or so has seen the blogborne destruction of Eason Jordan, Ward Churchill, and Jeff Gannon for a multitude of transgressions ranging from stupidity to shirtlessness. Well done my bloggy minions! Their heads adorn the walls of Castle Internet along with such other enemies of justice as Trent Lott, Dan Rather, and that fat kid who danced around in that Star Wars video.

Supreme High Blogarch Giblets directs you to this week's List of the Damned. Each of the following have commited unpardonable sins, crimes against bloganity! Giblets demands the ashen ruins of their professional and personal lives delivered to him by Friday!

  • Bernard Mantwuse, professor of medieval studies at Brown University who has repeatedly claimed that Muslim hostility towards the West in the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries came about as a result of the crusades. Wrong, "professor"! Muslims hated the West because of freedom - the freedom of the feudal system.

  • Lindsey Michaels, student editorial intern for the Phoenix NewTimes, yet another example of bias in the SCLCMMSMM*! At a closed-door lunch Michaels was overheard to remark that George Bush was "totally gay," a comment that is either deeply offensive to President Bush or deeply offensive to gays. Giblets chooses both!

  • Ed Gorman, Sr., editor-in-chief of Highlights Magazine, whose tenure has made a mockery of the entire media establishment. Just last week one of the words in the rebus puzzle was a cow plus a banjo minus the letter "M." What the hell is that supposed to mean! It doesn't mean anything! Giblets is furious!

    *So-Called Lefto-Conservative Main Media Stream Media Media
  • posted by Giblets at 10:34 PM

    He rides across the desert with a six-shooter in one hand an a federal construction contract in the other. It's the last a the wild cowboy Homeland Security fence-builders himself: Homeland Joe.

    Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
    Riding across the dusty plains
    Where no one dares to go!
    Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
    Checking your passport photo
    Where the wild Injuns roam!
    Homeland Jooooooe!


    "It's a mad lawless thing, buildin' mad lawless fences in a mad lawless world," says Homeland Joe. "But somebody's gotta do it." An then he wrestles a buffalo.

    But there's dangers on the fence-buildin range. After a day of fightin Indians an cattle rustlers, that's when the endangered condors swoop down an carry off the construction workers in their terrible terrible claws!

    "Every day I lose fifty good men to them critters," says Homeland Joe ropin up some stray cattle.
    "Why don't you fight back an shoot em Joe!" says me.
    "'Cause some durn fool down in Washington made it illegal!" says Joe an there is a terrible fire in his eyes.
    "Oh no!" says me. "But Joe can't you pass a law to make you able to break the law?"
    "I would if'n I could," says Homeland Joe lassoin a cactus. "Then I coulda hired me some illegal immigrants for six cents an hour an finished this fence months ago. But some judge woulda called it 'unconstitutional'!"
    Then we're attacked by bloodthirsty pandas!

    Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
    Tied down by Lilliputian laws
    That we can never know!
    Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
    If he employs a team a' six year olds
    Freedom will surely flow!
    Homeland Jooooooe!


    Homeland Joe rides the dusty trails lookin to fence in illegal immigrants. But when we find em they're all bein smuggled into the country by the Rehnquist Gang!

    "You hold it right there now, John Paul Stevens," says Homeland Joe. "You jus' put down that family a' terrorist Mexicans real slow-like."
    "I reckon you ain't gonna, lawman," says Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "Anythin' you do to us we're gonna rule it unconstitutional!"
    "You gotta shoot em Joe!" says me.
    "I can't," says Joe hangin his mighty head in shame. "Murder's still against the law."
    "If only there was some kinda way to make a law immune to other laws and to the legal system at the same time," says me.
    "Maybe they is, an' maybe they ain't," says ol man Rehnquist ridin off on his black horse. "But y'all're too yella to try!"
    Joe is helpless to stop the Mexicans an they all grow up to be Osama bin Laden.

    Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
    He's all that stands between us
    And the hordes of Mexico!
    Homeland Jooooooe! Homeland Jooooooe!
    Let him kill some people,
    He won't get anyone you know!
    Homeland Jooooooe!


    "All I'm askin' for is the power to to waive all laws," says Homeland Joe spittin out a big chunk a tobacco. "So I can build a big fence across the Mexican border an' establish a system a' National ID cards."
    "Whew," says me. "For a second there I thought it was gonna be for somethin crazy!"
    "But them fancy-pants bureacrats down in Washington," says Homeland Joe, roastin a herd a cows over a barbecue spit, "hell, all they care 'bout is rules 'n regulations, like 'labor rules' an' 'not poisoning people' an' 'the rule of law'."
    "Maybe it'll happen someday," says me.
    "Maybe," says Homeland Joe tippin his hat an turnin his horse towards the sunset. Soldier on, good hero! Soldier on.
    posted by fafnir at 11:13 AM
    Thursday, February 10, 2005

    Once a week the mailman drops off a dead kitten at our house. I'm not sure why. We just keep gettin these kittens. I think I signed somethin down at the mall once, maybe a Kitten of the Week Club or somethin, but I don't remember when. I sign a lotta stuff. Last time I went downtown I ended up with a Sam's Club membership, a petition to Bong the Bomb, and an ordained priesthood of Zemu. The leafletting campaigns an the Zemusian wedding ceremonies are a real pain but it's worth it to get quality beef tallow at wholesale prices.

    I don't know why all the kittens are dead kittens. Maybe they haven't been shippin em right. But it seems like a shame to let em go to waste, so these days we got kittens everywhere - kitten doorstops, kitten lampshades, kitten tables, kitten soup, kitten pie, grilled kitten pizza. "More kitten, Giblets?" "Giblets is stuffed," says Giblets. "Giblets couldn't eat another kitten if he wanted to - and he wants to! They are delicious!" Which is too bad, cause we got a ton of em left.
    posted by fafnir at 5:27 PM

    "Giblets is hungry," says Giblets. "What do we have to eat?"
    "I have a desert island survival pack," says me. "But all it's got is the Bible, Shakespeare, my favorite album, and the historical personage of my choice."
    "Is it Jesus or Lincoln?" says Giblets.
    "Just Lincoln," says me. "But he's pretty fresh an comes with a spare hat."
    "Useless! There's no meat on Lincoln!" says Giblets. "We could grill and eat Jesus for a week and he'd still be an awesome drunk at parties!"
    "We should explore the rest a the island for resources," says me. "Like we should try checkin at the top a the palm tree."
    "Giblets doesn't trust the palm tree," says Giblets. "It may conceal cannibal natives hungry for Fafnirs an Gibletses."
    "We're gonna be livin on this island for a while Giblets," says me. "We should try to live in peace with our fellow inhabitants."
    "Like the vicious coconut?" says Giblets. "It dropped from the sky an tried to crush us! There is only one law here, and it is the savage law of nature!"
    "We can't judge every coconut by the behavior of that one," says me. "Besides there's plenty a room on the island for all of us."
    "Cling to your crazy idealism but Giblets is a realist!" says Giblets. "We don't even know what's on the other side a the tree. There might be bugs or rocks or seagulls!"
    "Oh, now who's bein crazy," says me. "There's no such thing as seagulls. You want a piece a Bible or some Shakespeare?"
    "Gimme some Shakespeare," says Giblets. "Bible is too gamey."
    posted by fafnir at 12:50 PM
    Wednesday, February 9, 2005

    The other day I was walkin down the street an I saw another one. He was practically freezin in the bitter cold; all he had was a tin cup, a three-piece suit, and a limousine with no minibar. He had a sign that said WILL CHEAT EMPLOYEES OUT OF RETIREMENT PLANS FOR FOOD. It was another homeless CEO.

    "Any tax cuts, man?" he says to me. "I just need a little to catch a private plane to the Bahamas... it's so cold, man..."

    "Oh well I'm sorry I don't have any tax cuts on me right now" I says real quick while I'm walkin away. Course it was all lies. I had cuts to the capital gains tax, the estate tax an income tax right there in my wallet but I was just too greedy to give em to him. I just walked right by like he didn't exist.

    "Oh Fafnir he just woulda spent it all on yachts," says you. Maybe but who are we to judge? Rich people are trapped in a world with too many options and too many choices. Every day they wake to traumatic decisions. Do they eat the caviar, or frolic in the giant pile of gold? It's too much! Panic sets in. If only they had more money to help them sort things out.

    That's why stuff like the president's budget is so important right now. The president's workin on reducing the deficit by cutting funding for police and firefighters, veterans' benefits, child care, Medicaid, and food stamps while making his tax cuts permanent. This should finally take money back from the poor, who have so little money they don't know what to do with it, and give it to the rich, who have so much money and need so much more.

    But the government can't do everything itself. We have to personally give of ourselves to help those more fortunate than us. Now it's alright to give through your local church or charity but here at Fafblog we've set up somethin special. It's called Adopt-a-Baron, and it lets you pick one of the wealthiest two percent of Americans to help them out yourself. This is Little Davey. For just twenty dollars a day - the price of a table wine - you can buy Little Davey part of a new boat. Won't you help Little Davey and others like him?

    Somewhere out there is an old Time-Warner executive with only three houses. Make your commitment today.

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    posted by fafnir at 3:58 PM

    Yeah, it's true, I been writin for the National Review under the name "John Derbyshire" for the last twenty years. I can only blame the drugs.
    posted by fafnir at 1:54 PM

    So George Bush is talking about casting off "the baggage of bigotry." Giblets was furious! Bush campaigned on a clear pro-bigotry platform including a ban on gay marriage and an apparently sensible-yet-strict "containment policy" regarding lesbian maple farmers. But now Bush is reneging on bigotry, disenfranchisng all the bigots who voted for him in good conscience!

    "Anti-bigotry" is too much like "pro-tolerance," and you know where tolerance gets you: hordes of gay men in SpongeBob suits raiding kindergartens to pervert the young and the Giblets! Dudes kissin' each other! Man on dog! Spock with a beard!

    Then someone told Giblets it was just Black History Month. Whew! Gays don't count this time around. But Giblets must still keep an eye on those shifty minorities to make sure they do not convert him to blackness.

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    posted by Giblets at 10:37 AM
    Tuesday, February 8, 2005

    We get these a lot so here ya go.

    1. Yes.
    2. Yes.
    3. Probably not, but who knows? Maybe in the future.
    4. Definitely not. Giblets would hate the cake.
    5. In the original story I'm asleep in my cave an Siegfried comes runnin up with his sword an stuff goin raaar an trips an falls an totally sprains his foot an I go you need help with that? an he's all no no I got it an I go cause I could call a doctor an he's all no that's all right I'll just call my girlfriend she can pick me up an I go sure all right an then he gets hit by a bus. Also in the original insteada bein a mighty dragon I am a 1973 AMC Gremlin. Wagner touches it up a bit.
    6. Yeah, but why would we need a fish tank? I don't know where people get that idea.
    7. Yes, that would be awesome!
    8. Three random people on the east coast an some guy in Berkeley.
    9. I know they don't look like much but if you put em on backwards an read it out over an over again they transport you to a maaaaaagical wonderland! This is not true.
    10. It IS happening! He has his own pilot on NBC this fall called "Gibsquad"! She's a tough-talkin no-nonsense murder cop who's seen it all. He's a tiny despot who lays claim to the universe by dint of his own glory an resplendence! They laugh, they learn.
    11. We are sorry for everything.

    Labels: ,

    posted by fafnir at 3:07 PM

    Oh no too late!
    posted by fafnir at 1:24 PM
    Monday, February 7, 2005

    Giblets is frustrated! Giblets is a kind and loving Giblets, even to old people who are foul and rank with the stench of imminent death, and wants to save Social Security. But Democrats oppose Giblets and his plan for Gibletizing Social Security at every turn!

    Under Old Social Security, which Giblets has cleverly dubbed "Social Insecurity," your payroll taxes pay for the retirement of old people, and when you are old other people's payroll taxes pay for for you. This system is demographically flawed and will explode! But under Giblets's new plan, "Partial Gibletization," a portion of your payroll taxes go towards the funding of a kick-ass party for Giblets in a big mansion made of gold with a huge pool and a ton of hot naked chicks, which will stimulate the economy and encourage job growth! The rest of your taxes will go towards making a rocket ship that will launch old people into the sun.

    Giblets is confident his plan will save Social Security forever and supply him with an endless supply of lithe nubile women, the two most important components of any massive entitlement program. But instead of engaging in constructive debate, all Democrats have done is oppose Giblets's plan from the beginning! Well, Giblets doesn't see anyone else coming up with ideas here. Or at least, any ideas that answer the country's critical need for bouncing topless babes.

    Giblets has been plenty reasonable. Giblets would be willing to compromise on many critical details of his plan, including the size of the mansion, the purity of the gold, the ratio of Cristal to Evian in the pool, the quantity of jewels and sweetmeats in which Giblets is to be robed throughout the proceedings, the size of the crystal champagne-spouting Giblets statue to be displayed, and the number of naked chicks to be made available to ranking Democrats. But Giblets's bipartisan offerings are wasted upon them! Let there be total war!
    posted by Giblets at 7:54 PM

    There was nothing surprising about last week's confirmation of Alberto Gonzales except for the tepidness of those who opposed it. Indeed, it appears that there is greater support for a pro-torture attorney general in the United States Senate than there is for Social Security privatization. And why shouldn't there be? As an institution, Social Security has lasted for generations, while torture has been with us for millennia. The nation has weighed its brief anti-torture past and its pro-torture future and has chosen, and moved on. As a wise man or sociopath has recently said, "The debate is over... the issue is dying out.".

    The debate is certainly over for John McCain, Congress's resident expert on torture. Some might call McCain a partisan hypocrite who has cheapened the memory of his five grueling years in a Viet Cong torture camp with a proxy vote for genital electrocution and glowstick rape. But these people entirely miss the point: John McCain's vote wasn't the moral resignation of a partisan hack, but a staunch, no-nonsense advocacy of the administration's torture policy based on his own experience. That is, John McCain has declared that torture is justifiable because his own torture was justifiable.

    The Viet Cong, after all, were fighting a new kind of enemy in a new kind of war, and John McCain was that enemy - and an enemy possibly possessing valuable information. Could he know when or where villages or cities were about to be bombed, information that could save hundreds, even thousands of lives? If so, who wouldn't agree to beat him repeatedly, deprive him of sleep, and tie his arms and legs into "stress positions" to find out? Who among us wouldn't torture John McCain to stop a ticking bomb?

    "But what of the Geneva Conventions?" you may ask. Ah, but the Viet Cong realized how obsolete these thirty-year-old treaties had become. This was a new enemy, one that disregarded such naive "laws of war" as the binary division between civilians and soldiers. In the strange new conflicts of the twentieth century, where guerilla warfare met carpet bombing, napalm, and free-fire zones, the Geneva Conventions seem charmingly quaint to one as enlightened as the Medium Lobster, as they must have to the bodhisattva who woke McCain up by beating him bloody every day, and as they must now to Senator McCain, who has yielded to the higher wisdom of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

    That John McCain was ultimately beaten, broken, abused, and violated for nothing is regrettable, but understandable... as regrettable and understandable as the old men and boys rounded up in villagewide sweeps on the way to Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay. But to make an omelet, one must break eggs, and war, after all, is the biggest fucking omelet there is. We have a lot more eggs to break, and it's good to see the senator join the rest of us while the kitchen burns down.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:47 PM

    pie in the skyA filling comes across the sky. A sweet, gooey blueberry filling, surrounded by a flaky golden crust and a circular tin. Is it a bird? Of course not it is too delicious! Is it a plane? No it is too warm and oven-fresh. It's a pie! A pie of hope.

    Villagers and townspeople gather round. They look up with binoculars an telescopes. How far up is it? Can they get it from here? Somebody runs up with a stepladder an jumps! Somebody else climbs a tree. A buncha carpenters get to work on a scaffold. Skinny people start suckin on helium. Pole vaulters start showin up with really long sticks a wood.

    The fire department an the police department an the mayor cannot reach the pie. People jump real high. The governor shows up; he calls for the president. The president shows up; he delivers a stirrin speech about reachin the pie. People jump even higher! Scientists calculate the orbit a the pie an launch a probe to land on the pie. Photographs come back. The surface of the pie is tasty, they say. There is taste on the pie! Everyone is excited. The flyin machines are launched!

    Jets an biplanes an blimps an balloons fly out to reach the pie but it bobs an weaves an dodges into the clouds leavin em all behind. The people are tired of jumpin but they just can't stop! The rocket ships come, the pie cannot escape them, they reach the pie, it's the most fantastical day in the history a stuff! The pie is brought back but somethin's up. When they try to slice it the pie won't cut. The crust is made of metal. Oh no - it's not a pie of hope! It's a secret military pie aircraft and it is programmed to self-destruct on capture!

    From the terrible blueberry wreckage a small boy looks up. He is covered with fruit goo and bready crust but it does not matter. He wipes em from his eyes and turns to face the sky. He's lookin for another pie - a better pie, a real pie. Good luck and godspeed to you, pie boy. Good luck and godspeed.

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    posted by fafnir at 4:38 AM
    Sunday, February 6, 2005

    Football! The clash of titans! The battle of brobdingnagians! The war of newts! Helmeted warriors clatter and roar upon the gridiron, struggling and clawing for supremacy and dominance, plunging forwards towards victory as fat man crashes after fat man in the most dangerous game!

    "Ooo, three yards," says Fafnir.

    Yeeeees, three glorious yards! That mighty conquest belongs to that fat man and that fat man alone, and when he is pounded into submission by bigger, fatter men he will be filled with the magnificence of the competitive spirit, the knowledge that that patch of astroturf belongs, for this moment, to him! He is lord of the spongy plasticky earth!

    "Whup, back four yards," says Fafnir.

    And the day belongs to the other fatties! For almost a full second and a half, their reign over that egg-shaped leather ball is supreme and uncontestable! They surge over those twelve feet like an ocean wave! Look at them go! What other game could offer such grand spectacle, such majestic thrill, such sheer piercing insight into the raging heart of man! Other than baseball! Or sumo! Or curling or golf!

    "We're runnin outta wings," says Fafnir.

    What excitement lies next in store in this contest of giants, this challenge of goliaths, this tournament of titans! The Pepsico-Raytheon halftime show and its salute to America's cheesemakers, that's what, along with a loving tribute to the boys who took the beaches of Grenada back in the Big Skirmish of '83. Truly they were the Adequate Generation. They fought for the great values of this country, as enshrined in this halftime show. Values like Pepsico and Raytheon - and football. And football!

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    posted by Giblets at 8:48 PM
    Thursday, February 3, 2005

    "To his memory," says me.
    "His memory, hear hear!" says Giblets.
    "His great moral character!" says me.
    "I wouldn't call it 'great'," says Giblets. "Maybe 'mediocre' or 'petty'."
    "Okay then," says me. "His flossing technique! He was real good about dental hygiene."
    "I dunno if I'd say real good," says Giblets.
    "His suitable dental hygiene!" says me.
    "His adequate table manners!" says Giblets.
    "His clear penmanship!" says me.
    "I wouldn’t call it 'clear'," says Giblets.
    "Well then his legible penmanship," says me.
    "I wouldn’t call it 'legible,' says Giblets.
    "Well then the way he owned a pen," says me.
    "It wasn’t a real pen," says Giblets. "I hear it was a stunt pen."
    "Oh," says me. "Well. His quality of near-pen-havingness!"
    "Hear hear!" says Giblets.
    "The way he wore his hat," says me.
    "He never had a hat," says Giblets.
    "That's the way he wore it," says me.
    "I found the way he didn't wear his non-hat rather unimpressive," says Giblets.
    "Is that good or bad?" says me.
    "Giblets undemands it be de-stricken from the remembrance!" says Giblets.
    "Those shoes he used to wear," says me.
    "Those were pretty cool shoes," says Giblets.
    "Now they belong to the ages," says me.
    "But their memories live on," says Giblets.
    "They can't take that away from us," says me.
    "Yes they can," says Giblets. "With powerful suction cups."
    "Aw man," says me.
    "To our friend," says Giblets. "To Joe."
    "Who's Joe?" says me.
    "Giblets thought we were talkin about Joe," says Giblets. "From Burrito Joe's. The one who gives Giblets free burritos."
    "Well I was talkin about Chris," says me.
    "Well Giblets didn't know that," says Giblets. "Giblets takes it all back. Giblets sees Chris all the time an he doesn't give Giblets squat. Chris can suck it."
    "Well that's that," says me. "Now who wants pie!"

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    posted by fafnir at 8:19 PM

    Whine, whine, whine. The “usual suspects” are all gripey about a Marine general who had the guts and the nerve to tell it like it is in front of the “PC” crowd: that it’s a bucket of laughs to kill people. According to Lieutenant General Mattis today:
    "Actually it's quite fun to fight them, you know. It's a hell of a hoot," Mattis said, prompting laughter from some military members in the audience. "It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right up there with you. I like brawling.

    "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil," Mattis said. "You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."
    A marine commandant defended Mattis saying he “intended to reflect the unfortunate and harsh realities of war.” Which is so true. And the unfortunate, harsh reality of war is that it’s a kick-ass video game with awesome graphics! Civilians are extra points.
    posted by Giblets at 3:17 PM

    The state of the internet is strong an feisty! It's bigger an better an quicker than ever an can skeletonize a buffalo in under sixteen seconds! But be careful: the internet can be dangerous. If the internet starts walkin up to you with its ears down makin growlin noises please back away from it slowly an find a grownup or a Communications Decency Act right away.

    The internet has done so much in the last year! This year brought us the Blog Revolution, which wasn't that big but moved so fast it went from Blog Bastille Day to the Blog Reign of Terror to the Blog Buncha Ol Fat Guys Talkin About Blog Bastille Day in like a week! The internet has executed all mainstream television news personalities and replaced them with what the people really want to see: scrolling columns of text linking to other scrolling columns of text!

    But the internet's work isn't over. Now that the net has replaced the news it is time for it to replace reality! Old reality is borin an slow an analog. New reality will be faster an newer an have more spyware! When you go to work you will work with a handy comment board with lotsa helpful self-correcting tips an job advice like "why dont you work more" an "demoRATS love saddam" an "SHRUBYA = DUMBYA" an "Buy sex toys here!" When you go for a walk every building you see will have naked teenagers installed for your comfort, safety an convenience which you'll be able to see more of after a routine credit card check! Doors will be "hyperdoors." Roads will be "e-roads"! Not all of them will work an some of em will stop loading while you're in them an the places they take you to may have collapsed before you get there but they will make it faster an easier to buy crap than ever before! Just touch a poster or a billboard or a TV or some floating thing somebody made to look just like your TV an you're ready to go!

    Some of you are sayin "Oh but Fafnir what if I don't like gettin infected with adware at the supermarket, can I go back to regular reality." No you can't I am sorry it is gone. "Oh no!" says you. I didn't wanna have to bring this up but we are out of reality. We used it all up over the cast coupla decades an we've been paddin out what's left with pretend reality, but that will only get us so far. We have to turn everythin that's left into the internet. But that's just as well because internet reality is better than regular reality because the internet is more free!

    In an internet world you can make up any reality you want! If you don't like what's happening in one part of Internetland you can just hang out in another part where the news is totally different! History and science are very different in different parts of Internetland; settle in the one you like, or build your own. Be careful - different countries in Internetland are hostile to one another. Make sure yours is armed an protected.

    If you're feelin lonely there are pretend people everywhere on Internetland you can make friends with! If you're bored there's lots of pretend entertainment, like porn and preventive war! If you've got a crushing loss of purpose an self-worth, there's a ton a crap you can buy!

    It will be difficult to do but we will do it for the children, who can grow up in the freedom of a completely pretend universe. We will do it with the help of trusty pretend allies like television and the moon men and our pretend can-do spirit! The internet is becoming better and freer and newer every day and that freedom and newness will spread through the rest of the world like mayonaisse that's been left out a little too long. Thank you and God bless the internet!
    posted by fafnir at 1:11 PM
    Wednesday, February 2, 2005

    The Bush administration has given White House media credentials to a guy with a GOP fan site who calls senators "divorced from reality" for thinking America has economic problems. Victory for the blogosphere! A triumph over the old "MSM"!

    Before, journalism had to be all "mainstream" and "professional" and "unbiased" and "fact-based." But now that the blogosphere has broken through it can replace the crumbling facade of the old with the brighty-edge brightness of the new! Now Giblets can see the raw, unvarnished, spinless truth of a real citizen journalist reprinting White House press releases as news.
    posted by Giblets at 2:47 PM

    Giblets is hereby reviving what is by far this blog's most popular recurring series: the Pope Death Watch!

    Oh sure, the Pope may be recovering from his recent illness, but it can't be long now before he kicks the papal bucket, and then Giblets will have his revenge! Even now there are signs of weakness. Just a couple days ago he lost a fight to an angry dove. In the old days the Pope used to just vaporize symbols of peace with his laser-powered Pope-vision! Giblets detects vulnerability... and with vulnerability comes opportunity! Cardinal Giblets... Pope Giblets... God Giblets the First!

    Soon, Pope! Very soon!

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    posted by Giblets at 11:08 AM

    So it's Groundhog Day again. Well whoop de do. Let us all worship and praise the mighty Groundhog, he who can control our destiny with but a flick of his shadow, who wields the very weather itself, who can command the future. Well Giblets leaves his six weeks of winter or spring to neither god nor groundhog! Giblets commands his own fate, and he says to hell with the groundhog!

    Hear me, Gibletsians! The Day of the Groundhog ends now! It does not control your destiny! It does not hold your future! It does not own your fate!

    Giblets does.

    Giblets alone commands the wind and the rain, the snow and the sleet, the time and the temperature! "The time is now nine-thirty-three, sixty-three degrees Fahrenheit," says the voice Giblets commands at a mere touch. Yeeeeeees! That time is Giblets's time, that temperature is Giblets's temperature! Beside that power your "groundhog" is nothing, NOTHING!

    The Day of the Groundhog is over! The Day of the Gibhog begins! And Giblets's first decree is NOT six more weeks of winter, NOT six more motnhs of winter, but an eternal and unending winter - unless you slay the groundhog pretenders to Giblets's throne! Destroy them, my subjects, or face neverending ice slicks, snowy roads, and blizzard advisories! Mwa-haha! MWA-HAHAHAHA!
    posted by Giblets at 9:28 AM
    Monday, January 31, 2005

    Monday I run into my arch-nemesis at the donut shop. It's been so long! "How ya been!" I go. He's got a wife an kids an stuff now an he's workin on his doctorate an he works for a company that makes jellybeans! "That's so cool, I love jellybeans, how do you make em!" says me. We go on a tour of a jellybean factory an I get to see everything, it is so cool! We talk for hours. It's not till I get home that I remember the revenge. Oooh darn you arch-nemesis! I'll get you yet!

    Tuesday I set up a convoluted trap for my arch-nemesis that involves a boulder an a lever an a big wheel with a gerbil in it an a rocketship an a system a vaccuum tubes. When my arch-nemesis shows up I ask him to please stand still on the big X while I set off my trap which he does but the trap does not work! "Nuts!" says me. "Here lemme help," says my arch-nemesis. We get to work tightenin bolts an feedin the gerbil an manage to fix it in a couple hours. "Wow, that's one nice-lookin trap!" says my arch-nemesis. "It's a beauty," says me. We celebrate with some drinks an call it a day. Later I'm watchin TV an a commercial for revenge comes on. Aw, nuts, he got away again! Next time for sure!

    Wednesday I battle my arch-nemesis to the finish over a giant pit a fire an explosions! We fight with swords an kung fu an fanciful ribbons until we get tired an take a break. "Good fightin!" says me. "You too!" says my arch-nemesis. "We should pick it up after lunch." We have lunch at this great Indian place my arch-nemesis knows. I have the saag paneer. It is delicious! My arch-nemesis picks up the bill even though I insist on treatin him. What a guy! But he completely eludes revenge. How's he keep doin that?

    Thursday mornin I call up my arch-nemesis about the revenge. He is sick! "I can make it," says my arch-nemesis. "Oh no you don't," says me. "You're gonna rest up an get plenty a fluids." I give him the number of a good ear nose an throat doctor in case it doesn't clear up.

    Friday my arch-nemesis an me catch a movie. It's okay, nothin special, but my arch-nemesis keeps callin it "the movie of the year" even though it's only January. On the way home he keeps whistlin showtunes an callin me "chief." Why do I hang out with this guy?

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 3:09 PM

    Once again the doubters and the skeptics have been proven wrong. Alarmists insisted that Iraqi elections would be a disaster, with low turnout, a massive and foreboding Sunni boycott, and hundreds killed by crazed insurgents. But the Iraqi people rose to the occasion, delivering above-average turnout, a massive and foreboding Sunni boycott, and mere dozens killed by crazed insurgents. Success!

    Oh, the same negative nabobs will say we should not be celebrating, that this is only the beginning of the democracy effort, that we must have better post-election planning. But the most difficult task of any democracy - getting citizens to vote for non-ideological party lists of mostly unknown candidates - has already been achieved. The Medium Lobster is pleased to declare an end to major nation-building.

    Pockets of resistance may remain among Baathist dead-enders, but the election will be greeted as a liberator by most Iraqis, including the newly-marginalized Sunni population. Indeed, the new Shiite majority should expect to be showered with candy and flowers in the streets of Fallujah.

    Truly, Freedom is on the march, and this was its cavalry charge. Now the Medium Lobster awaits the massive carpet-bombing of Tehran necessary to bring organized letter-writing campaigns to Iran.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:37 AM
    Thursday, January 27, 2005

    Giblets hereby introduces a new weekly feature, "Poxes and Boons." Each week Giblets will place "poxes" upon the insolent and give "boons" to those who have pleased him! Strive for Giblets's favor, Gibletsians, or suffer his wrath!

    A POX upon Jack Shafer, who mocks the Holy Revolution of Blogtopia from his old-media citadel of Slate Magazine! Giblets will explain why his Bloggian Revolution beats your old-style mainstream "internet journalism," Shafer. Oh sure, you also write independent fast-paced web-based fact-checking on the media. But the difference is you have "experience" and "resources" and "training," while Giblets rides the unbounded electronic fury of the internet which he can unleash upon you at his whim! Destroy him, my pretties!

    A POX upon the Stop Government Propaganda Act. How dare the US Senate ban the pernicious spread of government-sponsored propaganda before Giblets has a chance to cash in! Giblets will shill for Social Security reform, for the Iran war, for the Syrian war. Get me while I'm hot!

    A POX upon God and those who worship God! What has God ever done for you, God-worshipers! Giblets has given you the glorious gift of Giblets! God has just given you stupid things, like termites and herpes and smelling and the vast and boundless mystery of the sea! Stupid God! Double-pox upon you!

    A POX upon George Lucas and those who worship George Lucas! You're worse than God! At least God didn't cast Jake Lloyd in Episode I!

    A POX upon that guy at the airport who asked if I was "some kind of mouse"! Giblets is not a mouse! Giblets does not look like a mouse! Giblets does not look like anything but Giblets! Giblets revels in hisown Gibletsian glory and defies all descriptors! A pox is not good enough! FIE upon you! FIE!

    A POX upon the month of January, already the crappiest month of the year. Snowed in with diseased roommates without internet access while being forced to imagine Abraham Lincoln and SpongeBob having sex was not Giblets's idea of a good time. Giblets does not have high expectations for February.

    Giblets gives no BOONS to anyone this week for none are worthy of Giblets's boons. You are displeasing in his sight, universe!
    posted by Giblets at 3:12 PM

    Social Security: it is in a crisis! But how bad is the crisis, and how can it be solved? Here at the Fafblog Research Institute we've compiled a handy FAQ to tell you what's what.

    Q: Is Social Security in crisis?
    A: Yes it is! And if we don’t do something right now it is going to EXPLODE!
    Q: Oh no!
    A: In forty years.
    Q: Then what happens?
    A: Then Social Security runs out of money! That means either your benefits are reduced, or all Social Security everywhere explodes in a giant fireball and we will have to run away from the fireball and jump away from it in slow motion to escape!
    Q: Tell me more about this crisis in gritty detail!
    A: The fireball is huge and loud and expensive and there is grinding guitar music on the soundtrack informing everyone that we are bad, bad dudes! The radiation turns all old people into very poor mutants who must scavenge and eat each other for food. Eventually the robots come: they are unstoppable. What has science done!
    Q: I’m scared! How can we avert this terrible future?
    A: There’s just one chance! We have to borrow trillions of dollars to finance transforming Social Security into a completely different system based on mandatory investments in preferred stocks.
    Q: If we’re borrowing trillions of dollars, and the government already owes trillions of dollars, and the Social Security crisis is a debt problem anyway, how does this help Social Security?
    A: Quick we have to act fast! We only have twenty years to go!
    Q: I thought we had forty years.
    A: Now we have ten! It is a ticking bomb.
    Q: Oh no! In these extreme circumstances we have to privatize Social Security!
    A: If we don't, the terrorists win.
    Q: I’ll hold it down. You get the electrodes!
    A: It’s so crazy, it just might work!

    Q: I’m following you so far, but what if privatization…
    A: It’s not privatization it is private accounts.
    Q: Alright then, what if these private accounts…
    A: They are not private accounts they are personal accounts.
    Q: Okay, if these personal accounts…
    A: They are not personal accounts, they are privamatupilous splendiferacy.
    Q: I forgot what I was talking about.
    A: Oh good! Have a lollipop with your splendiferacy.

    Q: Can I see your Social Security plan?
    A: No you can’t.
    Q: Well, I’d really like to, before I decide to…
    A: Would you really like to see the plan? Would you really, really?
    Q: Yes yes I would I would, ever so much!
    A: Okay then! When you go to bed tonight dreaming of private investment accounts a maaaaagical train will pull up to your window, and a maaaaagical conductor will let you on board…
    Q: Oh boy!
    A: And the maaaaagical train will take you to the North Pole to see Social Security Santa with your very own eyes so you can believe.
    Q: Oh wow, I’d love that!
    A: And he and his elves will give you your own private account which will last forever and ever. Would you like that?
    Q: Yes I would, I would!
    A: Well, you won’t get it, ‘cause you didn’t believe on your own!
    Q: Oh no!
    A: Get thee behind us! No Social Security for you!

    Q: I ended up with crap stocks, and my private account went empty early. What do I do?
    A: You run out of money and starve. But you’ll starve in freedom, because you OWN your empty personal account, which means you OWN your starvation!
    Q: I feel so free and hungry!
    A: A wise man once said it is better to live in freedom than to die in slavery … the slavery of a secure retirement.
    Q: Give me liberty AND death!
    A: That’s the spirit!
    Q: Wheeee! *hack hack wheeze*
    posted by fafnir at 1:57 PM
    Tuesday, January 25, 2005

    There's been some noise about the Pentagon's use of covert ops teams of late - specifically, of the Defense Department's decision to place these covert teams under its own authority rather than the CIA's in order to skirt Congressional oversight. The Medium Lobster doesn't see what's so outrageous about this. This is merely a natural extension of America's foreign policy: the United States will defend itself and the principles of Freedom no matter how many allies and branches of government get in its way.

    There are times when America needs to defend itself, and it cannot wait for the doddering approval of our vaunted "allies": the United Nations, Europe, the CIA, Congress. In times like these, when facing down an imminent threat to Freedom - or a grave and gathering threat, or a distant and someday possible threat, or threat-related program activities - it is imperative that the United States be able to go to war to defend itself without waiting for the sanction of bureaucrats in our own legislative branch.

    In creating these covert teams, America now has the capacity to defend itself without seeking the oversight of Congress or the CIA. Finally, America will no longer have to rely on cumbersome "alliances" between multiple branches of government. Instead, America can now defend itself with a lean, strong coalition of the willing between the White House and the Pentagon.

    Oh, some may deride this as reckless unilateralism, as cowboy diplomacy. Some will say that this will put a greater strain on America's relationship with Congress and the CIA. Would this really be so terrible? Whenever America has gone to war in the past, resistence has always come from Congress. Whenever America desperately needed to be elected to a second term, it was the CIA which leaked damaging information to the press. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Let them join France and the State Department in diplomatic purgatory.

    The one question remaining is this: is America ready and willing to go to war on its own, to defend itself by itself if the military deserts it? As we've seen with Poland and Spain, even the most stalwart of allies cannot be trusted to remain in the fight forever, and as the shameful refusal of some troops to return to Iraq makes clear, even the military can't be relied upon indefnitely. The White House must prepare for the contingency - no, the eventuality - that its bold cause will be betrayed once again. In that case, America must carry on the fight with the only men with the nerve to defend this great nation: George Bush, Dick Cheney, and their staff. The Medium Lobster recommends they be suited up and shipped out at once.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:58 PM

    Hillary Clinton is reaching out to pro-life voters by softening her rhetoric on abortion, and the Medium Lobster can only applaud her ingenuity and sharp-witted political calculation. Indeed, if there's any constituency that stands to warm to Senator Clinton, it has to be single issue pro-life conservatives, who are finally ready to embrace the senator after over a decade of believing her to be a radical Communist demon queen who murdered Vince Foster in cold blood to prevent him from telling the truth about her secret coven of lesbian witches. With their Hillary-hatred nearly exhausted, social conservatives are now a fertile new demographic waiting for exploration! But how long will it take for the rest of the Democratic Party to figure it out? If Barbara Boxer starts denouncing the menace of illegal immigration and Ted Kennedy promises to clamp down on the gay agenda, it could save this party yet!
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:28 PM

    The argument gets outta hand and honor is besmirched!

    "Honor is besmirched!" says Giblets throwin down the gauntlet. "Giblets demands satisfaction! Upon the morrow, pistols and rapiers, swords and fisticuffs!"
    "Very well sir!" says me throwin down the other gauntlet. "I shall see you at dawn! Bring your second!"
    "Giblets shall see your second and raise you a third!" says Giblets. "And a fourth as well! Giblets is far too mighty and illustrious to do honorable battle with mere thirds!"
    "Well I'm not gonna even bother with a third an a fourth!" says me. "I'm gonna skip right to my fifth, sixth, an seventh, so there!"
    "Foolsies!" says Giblets. "You can’t have nonsequential seconds! I call foolsies!"
    "Those foolsies were unwarranted!" says me. "They have further besmirched honor an for that I'm demandin an eighth an a ninth, too!"
    "Fine!" says Giblets. "Giblets will meet your ninth with a fifteenth, a sixteenth, a seventeenth, and a battalion of goblins and wargs!"
    "An I'll see your battalion with my platoon of Martians an were-hippos!" says me.
    "Well alright then!" says Giblets.
    "Well fine!" says me.

    Next day we both oversleep an miss the start a the duel. Everybody's outside duelin without us.

    "Man wouldya look at that," says me.
    "Pretty violent," says Giblets.
    "Yeah I'd hate to be out there," says me. "Nice wargs though."
    "Thanks," says Giblets. “Those were-hippos are pretty cool too."

    We spend the rest a the day drinkin cocoa an watchin cartoons.

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    posted by fafnir at 1:07 PM
    Sunday, January 23, 2005

    The National PieToday is National Pie Day! It is a day of celebration. Let us come together in honor of the National Pie.

    Over the years there have been many pie cultures and subcultures that have tried to claim the national pie for their own - apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, lemon merangue pie, carrot and muskox pie. Is any one of these pies more National or American or Our Pie than the other pies? Yes, the beef and corn pie but we pretend that isn't true cause everybody hates the beef an corn pie.

    But we must remember that the National Pie belongs to all of us regardless of flavor or filling. This pie is your pie, this pie is my pie. Slice it up, pass it out, an recycle the plate when there's nothin left.

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    posted by fafnir at 1:34 PM
    Saturday, January 22, 2005

    So the other day Giblets said a buncha stuff about "spreading freedom" and "liberty" and "opposing tyranny." Well it looks like some crazy people seem to have completely misinterpreted Giblets to mean he's gonna start spreading freedom and liberty and opposing tyranny. Oh man that is a good one, ha ha hear Giblets laugh! Giblets means he is spreading Freedom™, a new delicious dessert topping in three tasty flavors (Chocolate, Strawberry, and Democratastic!) Freedom™ should be shipping to frozen food sections and ice cream stands all over the world in time for summer! Freedom, on the other hand, Giblets promises to no one.

    *available in participating locations, offer void where prohibited
    posted by Giblets at 1:46 PM
    Thursday, January 20, 2005

    My fellow Gibletsians! On this day in history! Now is not a time!

    Today Giblets is re-coronated Lord High Emperor Giblets of Everything. Long live me! But also: long live Freedom. It is delicious and to my liking and soon Giblets will spread it throughout the world!

    Can you doubt the freedom-spreadery of Giblets? Giblets has decreed Iraq to be free and now it is! Oh sure, not in the petty "liberal democracy with equal protection under the law" sense. But in the "infested with terrorists" sense it's as free as they come! Once Iraqis were tortured and killed by an evil dictator. Now they are tortured and killed by freedom! Their genitals are shocked with the electrodes of liberty. They are mowed down by the machine guns of independence!

    We are not our fathers, or our fathers' fathers! These truths are self-evident! We the people!

    There are good countries and there are bad countries. Good countries are free, like Pakistan and Russia and Afghanistan! Bad countries hate freedom and want to destroy it. Giblets is for turning anti-freedom countries into powerful new Freeocracies bursting with color and vitamins! Stand with Giblets and freedom shall annihilate its enemies!

    Freedom is like a woman, or a well-aged cheese, or a monkey. It is available for tasting and purchasing in the lobby refreshment center. There will always be an England!

    Freedom is on the march, and it is heavily armed. You cannot stop freedom! It has conquered many lands and grown drunk on the blood of those who oppose it! It will crush its enemies, see it driven before them, and hear the lamentations of the women! With Giblets to lead it, freedom will sweep over the world - no, the UNIVERSE!

    Ass, gas, or grass! Three for $3.99! God bless America!
    posted by Giblets at 10:26 PM

    So me an George been sittin on the Ferris Wheel of Freedom for a couple days or so when I get to thinkin maybe somethin's wrong.

    "Is the ride supposed to be movin?" says me.
    "This is a great ride," says George. "This ride is a monument to the spirit an principles a Freeocracy."
    "It's just that's it's not," says me.
    "You gotta be patient with the ride," says George. "Rides don't work overnight."
    "An there's all these fire trucks an rescue helicopters an people yellin 'get off the ride'," says me.
    "There's always gonna be doubters an skeptics," says George. "People who hate the ride because of its freedom."
    "An when we got on the Roller Coaster of Liberty it broke down too," says me.
    "That's a great ride, a great ride," says George. "I know it cause I rode on it. I got instincts, see."
    "In fact it looked exactly like the Ferris Wheel of Freedom," says me.
    "You bought your ticket," says George. "You bought your ticket so you liked it. You know you liked the ride."
    After a while I wave to one a the helicopters. George looks mad. "How you gonna ride the ride if you're tryin to get OFF the ride?" he says. I am ashamed!
    "Is the ride supposed to be on fire?" says me.
    "God bless this great carnival attraction," says George.
    posted by fafnir at 2:17 PM

    Giblets is back! Back for REVENGE!

    ENEMIES! Giblets dispatches them all with fast-flying fists and witty one-liners in a knock-down drag-out fight in a bar in a jungle on the moon where everything EXPLODES!

    THE SUN! Giblets thinks it's too hot today so he flies out to the sun in his spaceship and pops it one and it EXPLODES!

    BIG CARS! Giblets drives a truck real fast and some other guy Giblets doesn't know that well drives another truck real fast and they crash into buildings and cars and a traveling circus of man-eating sharks and everything EXPLODES!

    We take a break from the revenge for some ice cream. "Pretty good ice cream," says Fafnir. Eh. It's okay. But Giblets has had a lot better ice cream.

    THE LIBRARY! Giblets returns his books within the grace period alotted by library policy but is forced to pay a fee anyway and informs the librarian in a quiet even voice that the library will no longer be receiving his patronage and it EXPLODES!

    Giblets goes on to slay titans and kill giants and wrestle the King of the Ape-Men! Huzzah!

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    posted by Giblets at 11:28 AM
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