Monday, January 31, 2005
Monday I run into my arch-nemesis at the donut shop. It's been so long! "How ya been!" I go. He's got a wife an kids an stuff now an he's workin on his doctorate an he works for a company that makes jellybeans! "That's so cool, I love jellybeans, how do you make em!" says me. We go on a tour of a jellybean factory an I get to see everything, it is so cool! We talk for hours. It's not till I get home that I remember the revenge. Oooh darn you arch-nemesis! I'll get you yet!
Tuesday I set up a convoluted trap for my arch-nemesis that involves a boulder an a lever an a big wheel with a gerbil in it an a rocketship an a system a vaccuum tubes. When my arch-nemesis shows up I ask him to please stand still on the big X while I set off my trap which he does but the trap does not work! "Nuts!" says me. "Here lemme help," says my arch-nemesis. We get to work tightenin bolts an feedin the gerbil an manage to fix it in a couple hours. "Wow, that's one nice-lookin trap!" says my arch-nemesis. "It's a beauty," says me. We celebrate with some drinks an call it a day. Later I'm watchin TV an a commercial for revenge comes on. Aw, nuts, he got away again! Next time for sure!
Wednesday I battle my arch-nemesis to the finish over a giant pit a fire an explosions! We fight with swords an kung fu an fanciful ribbons until we get tired an take a break. "Good fightin!" says me. "You too!" says my arch-nemesis. "We should pick it up after lunch." We have lunch at this great Indian place my arch-nemesis knows. I have the saag paneer. It is delicious! My arch-nemesis picks up the bill even though I insist on treatin him. What a guy! But he completely eludes revenge. How's he keep doin that?
Thursday mornin I call up my arch-nemesis about the revenge. He is sick! "I can make it," says my arch-nemesis. "Oh no you don't," says me. "You're gonna rest up an get plenty a fluids." I give him the number of a good ear nose an throat doctor in case it doesn't clear up.
Friday my arch-nemesis an me catch a movie. It's okay, nothin special, but my arch-nemesis keeps callin it "the movie of the year" even though it's only January. On the way home he keeps whistlin showtunes an callin me "chief." Why do I hang out with this guy?
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 3:09 PM
Once again the doubters and the skeptics have been proven wrong. Alarmists insisted that Iraqi elections would be a disaster, with low turnout, a massive and foreboding Sunni boycott, and hundreds killed by crazed insurgents. But the Iraqi people rose to the occasion, delivering above-average turnout, a massive and foreboding Sunni boycott, and mere dozens killed by crazed insurgents. Success!
Oh, the same negative nabobs will say we should not be celebrating, that this is only the beginning of the democracy effort, that we must have better post-election planning. But the most difficult task of any democracy - getting citizens to vote for non-ideological party lists of mostly unknown candidates - has already been achieved. The Medium Lobster is pleased to declare an end to major nation-building.
Pockets of resistance may remain among Baathist dead-enders, but the election will be greeted as a liberator by most Iraqis, including the newly-marginalized Sunni population. Indeed, the new Shiite majority should expect to be showered with candy and flowers in the streets of Fallujah.
Truly, Freedom is on the march, and this was its cavalry charge. Now the Medium Lobster awaits the massive carpet-bombing of Tehran necessary to bring organized letter-writing campaigns to Iran.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:37 AM
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Giblets hereby introduces a new weekly feature, "Poxes and Boons." Each week Giblets will place "poxes" upon the insolent and give "boons" to those who have pleased him! Strive for Giblets's favor, Gibletsians, or suffer his wrath!
A POX upon Jack Shafer, who mocks the Holy Revolution of Blogtopia from his old-media citadel of Slate Magazine! Giblets will explain why his Bloggian Revolution beats your old-style mainstream "internet journalism," Shafer. Oh sure, you also write independent fast-paced web-based fact-checking on the media. But the difference is you have "experience" and "resources" and "training," while Giblets rides the unbounded electronic fury of the internet which he can unleash upon you at his whim! Destroy him, my pretties!
A POX upon the Stop Government Propaganda Act. How dare the US Senate ban the pernicious spread of government-sponsored propaganda before Giblets has a chance to cash in! Giblets will shill for Social Security reform, for the Iran war, for the Syrian war. Get me while I'm hot!
A POX upon God and those who worship God! What has God ever done for you, God-worshipers! Giblets has given you the glorious gift of Giblets! God has just given you stupid things, like termites and herpes and smelling and the vast and boundless mystery of the sea! Stupid God! Double-pox upon you!
A POX upon George Lucas and those who worship George Lucas! You're worse than God! At least God didn't cast Jake Lloyd in Episode I!
A POX upon that guy at the airport who asked if I was "some kind of mouse"! Giblets is not a mouse! Giblets does not look like a mouse! Giblets does not look like anything but Giblets! Giblets revels in hisown Gibletsian glory and defies all descriptors! A pox is not good enough! FIE upon you! FIE!
A POX upon the month of January, already the crappiest month of the year. Snowed in with diseased roommates without internet access while being forced to imagine Abraham Lincoln and SpongeBob having sex was not Giblets's idea of a good time. Giblets does not have high expectations for February.
Giblets gives no BOONS to anyone this week for none are worthy of Giblets's boons. You are displeasing in his sight, universe!
posted by Giblets at 3:12 PM
Social Security: it is in a crisis! But how bad is the crisis, and how can it be solved? Here at the Fafblog Research Institute we've compiled a handy FAQ to tell you what's what.
Q: Is Social Security in crisis?
A: Yes it is! And if we don’t do something right now it is going to EXPLODE!
Q: Oh no!
A: In forty years.
Q: Then what happens?
A: Then Social Security runs out of money! That means either your benefits are reduced, or all Social Security everywhere explodes in a giant fireball and we will have to run away from the fireball and jump away from it in slow motion to escape!
Q: Tell me more about this crisis in gritty detail!
A: The fireball is huge and loud and expensive and there is grinding guitar music on the soundtrack informing everyone that we are bad, bad dudes! The radiation turns all old people into very poor mutants who must scavenge and eat each other for food. Eventually the robots come: they are unstoppable. What has science done!
Q: I’m scared! How can we avert this terrible future?
A: There’s just one chance! We have to borrow trillions of dollars to finance transforming Social Security into a completely different system based on mandatory investments in preferred stocks.
Q: If we’re borrowing trillions of dollars, and the government already owes trillions of dollars, and the Social Security crisis is a debt problem anyway, how does this help Social Security?
A: Quick we have to act fast! We only have twenty years to go!
Q: I thought we had forty years.
A: Now we have ten! It is a ticking bomb.
Q: Oh no! In these extreme circumstances we have to privatize Social Security!
A: If we don't, the terrorists win.
Q: I’ll hold it down. You get the electrodes!
A: It’s so crazy, it just might work!
Q: I’m following you so far, but what if privatization…
A: It’s not privatization it is private accounts.
Q: Alright then, what if these private accounts…
A: They are not private accounts they are personal accounts.
Q: Okay, if these personal accounts…
A: They are not personal accounts, they are privamatupilous splendiferacy.
Q: I forgot what I was talking about.
A: Oh good! Have a lollipop with your splendiferacy.
Q: Can I see your Social Security plan?
A: No you can’t.
Q: Well, I’d really like to, before I decide to…
A: Would you really like to see the plan? Would you really, really?
Q: Yes yes I would I would, ever so much!
A: Okay then! When you go to bed tonight dreaming of private investment accounts a maaaaagical train will pull up to your window, and a maaaaagical conductor will let you on board…
Q: Oh boy!
A: And the maaaaagical train will take you to the North Pole to see Social Security Santa with your very own eyes so you can believe.
Q: Oh wow, I’d love that!
A: And he and his elves will give you your own private account which will last forever and ever. Would you like that?
Q: Yes I would, I would!
A: Well, you won’t get it, ‘cause you didn’t believe on your own!
Q: Oh no!
A: Get thee behind us! No Social Security for you!
Q: I ended up with crap stocks, and my private account went empty early. What do I do?
A: You run out of money and starve. But you’ll starve in freedom, because you OWN your empty personal account, which means you OWN your starvation!
Q: I feel so free and hungry!
A: A wise man once said it is better to live in freedom than to die in slavery … the slavery of a secure retirement.
Q: Give me liberty AND death!
A: That’s the spirit!
Q: Wheeee! *hack hack wheeze*
posted by fafnir at 1:57 PM
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
There's been some noise about the Pentagon's use of covert ops teams of late - specifically, of the Defense Department's decision to place these covert teams under its own authority rather than the CIA's in order to skirt Congressional oversight. The Medium Lobster doesn't see what's so outrageous about this. This is merely a natural extension of America's foreign policy: the United States will defend itself and the principles of Freedom no matter how many allies and branches of government get in its way.
There are times when America needs to defend itself, and it cannot wait for the doddering approval of our vaunted "allies": the United Nations, Europe, the CIA, Congress. In times like these, when facing down an imminent threat to Freedom - or a grave and gathering threat, or a distant and someday possible threat, or threat-related program activities - it is imperative that the United States be able to go to war to defend itself without waiting for the sanction of bureaucrats in our own legislative branch.
In creating these covert teams, America now has the capacity to defend itself without seeking the oversight of Congress or the CIA. Finally, America will no longer have to rely on cumbersome "alliances" between multiple branches of government. Instead, America can now defend itself with a lean, strong coalition of the willing between the White House and the Pentagon.
Oh, some may deride this as reckless unilateralism, as cowboy diplomacy. Some will say that this will put a greater strain on America's relationship with Congress and the CIA. Would this really be so terrible? Whenever America has gone to war in the past, resistence has always come from Congress. Whenever America desperately needed to be elected to a second term, it was the CIA which leaked damaging information to the press. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Let them join France and the State Department in diplomatic purgatory.
The one question remaining is this: is America ready and willing to go to war on its own, to defend itself by itself if the military deserts it? As we've seen with Poland and Spain, even the most stalwart of allies cannot be trusted to remain in the fight forever, and as the shameful refusal of some troops to return to Iraq makes clear, even the military can't be relied upon indefnitely. The White House must prepare for the contingency - no, the eventuality - that its bold cause will be betrayed once again. In that case, America must carry on the fight with the only men with the nerve to defend this great nation: George Bush, Dick Cheney, and their staff. The Medium Lobster recommends they be suited up and shipped out at once.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:58 PM
Hillary Clinton is reaching out to pro-life voters by softening her rhetoric on abortion, and the Medium Lobster can only applaud her ingenuity and sharp-witted political calculation. Indeed, if there's any constituency that stands to warm to Senator Clinton, it has to be single issue pro-life conservatives, who are finally ready to embrace the senator after over a decade of believing her to be a radical Communist demon queen who murdered Vince Foster in cold blood to prevent him from telling the truth about her secret coven of lesbian witches. With their Hillary-hatred nearly exhausted, social conservatives are now a fertile new demographic waiting for exploration! But how long will it take for the rest of the Democratic Party to figure it out? If Barbara Boxer starts denouncing the menace of illegal immigration and Ted Kennedy promises to clamp down on the gay agenda, it could save this party yet!
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:28 PM
The argument gets outta hand and honor is besmirched!
"Honor is besmirched!" says Giblets throwin down the gauntlet. "Giblets demands satisfaction! Upon the morrow, pistols and rapiers, swords and fisticuffs!"
"Very well sir!" says me throwin down the other gauntlet. "I shall see you at dawn! Bring your second!"
"Giblets shall see your second and raise you a third!" says Giblets. "And a fourth as well! Giblets is far too mighty and illustrious to do honorable battle with mere thirds!"
"Well I'm not gonna even bother with a third an a fourth!" says me. "I'm gonna skip right to my fifth, sixth, an seventh, so there!"
"Foolsies!" says Giblets. "You can’t have nonsequential seconds! I call foolsies!"
"Those foolsies were unwarranted!" says me. "They have further besmirched honor an for that I'm demandin an eighth an a ninth, too!"
"Fine!" says Giblets. "Giblets will meet your ninth with a fifteenth, a sixteenth, a seventeenth, and a battalion of goblins and wargs!"
"An I'll see your battalion with my platoon of Martians an were-hippos!" says me.
"Well alright then!" says Giblets.
"Well fine!" says me.
Next day we both oversleep an miss the start a the duel. Everybody's outside duelin without us.
"Man wouldya look at that," says me.
"Pretty violent," says Giblets.
"Yeah I'd hate to be out there," says me. "Nice wargs though."
"Thanks," says Giblets. “Those were-hippos are pretty cool too."
We spend the rest a the day drinkin cocoa an watchin cartoons.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 1:07 PM
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Today is National Pie Day! It is a day of celebration. Let us come together in honor of the National Pie.
Over the years there have been many pie cultures and subcultures that have tried to claim the national pie for their own - apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, lemon merangue pie, carrot and muskox pie. Is any one of these pies more National or American or Our Pie than the other pies? Yes, the beef and corn pie but we pretend that isn't true cause everybody hates the beef an corn pie.
But we must remember that the National Pie belongs to all of us regardless of flavor or filling. This pie is your pie, this pie is my pie. Slice it up, pass it out, an recycle the plate when there's nothin left.
posted by fafnir at 1:34 PM
Saturday, January 22, 2005
So the other day Giblets said a buncha stuff about "spreading freedom" and "liberty" and "opposing tyranny." Well it looks like some crazy people seem to have completely misinterpreted Giblets to mean he's gonna start spreading freedom and liberty and opposing tyranny. Oh man that is a good one, ha ha hear Giblets laugh! Giblets means he is spreading Freedom™, a new delicious dessert topping in three tasty flavors (Chocolate, Strawberry, and Democratastic!) Freedom™ should be shipping to frozen food sections and ice cream stands all over the world in time for summer! Freedom, on the other hand, Giblets promises to no one.
*available in participating locations, offer void where prohibited
posted by Giblets at 1:46 PM
Thursday, January 20, 2005
My fellow Gibletsians! On this day in history! Now is not a time!
Today Giblets is re-coronated Lord High Emperor Giblets of Everything. Long live me! But also: long live Freedom. It is delicious and to my liking and soon Giblets will spread it throughout the world!
Can you doubt the freedom-spreadery of Giblets? Giblets has decreed Iraq to be free and now it is! Oh sure, not in the petty "liberal democracy with equal protection under the law" sense. But in the "infested with terrorists" sense it's as free as they come! Once Iraqis were tortured and killed by an evil dictator. Now they are tortured and killed by freedom! Their genitals are shocked with the electrodes of liberty. They are mowed down by the machine guns of independence!
We are not our fathers, or our fathers' fathers! These truths are self-evident! We the people!
There are good countries and there are bad countries. Good countries are free, like Pakistan and Russia and Afghanistan! Bad countries hate freedom and want to destroy it. Giblets is for turning anti-freedom countries into powerful new Freeocracies bursting with color and vitamins! Stand with Giblets and freedom shall annihilate its enemies!
Freedom is like a woman, or a well-aged cheese, or a monkey. It is available for tasting and purchasing in the lobby refreshment center. There will always be an England!
Freedom is on the march, and it is heavily armed. You cannot stop freedom! It has conquered many lands and grown drunk on the blood of those who oppose it! It will crush its enemies, see it driven before them, and hear the lamentations of the women! With Giblets to lead it, freedom will sweep over the world - no, the UNIVERSE!
Ass, gas, or grass! Three for $3.99! God bless America!
posted by Giblets at 10:26 PM
So me an George been sittin on the Ferris Wheel of Freedom for a couple days or so when I get to thinkin maybe somethin's wrong.
"Is the ride supposed to be movin?" says me.
"This is a great ride," says George. "This ride is a monument to the spirit an principles a Freeocracy."
"It's just that's it's not," says me.
"You gotta be patient with the ride," says George. "Rides don't work overnight."
"An there's all these fire trucks an rescue helicopters an people yellin 'get off the ride'," says me.
"There's always gonna be doubters an skeptics," says George. "People who hate the ride because of its freedom."
"An when we got on the Roller Coaster of Liberty it broke down too," says me.
"That's a great ride, a great ride," says George. "I know it cause I rode on it. I got instincts, see."
"In fact it looked exactly like the Ferris Wheel of Freedom," says me.
"You bought your ticket," says George. "You bought your ticket so you liked it. You know you liked the ride."
After a while I wave to one a the helicopters. George looks mad. "How you gonna ride the ride if you're tryin to get OFF the ride?" he says. I am ashamed!
"Is the ride supposed to be on fire?" says me.
"God bless this great carnival attraction," says George.
posted by fafnir at 2:17 PM
Giblets is back! Back for REVENGE!
ENEMIES! Giblets dispatches them all with fast-flying fists and witty one-liners in a knock-down drag-out fight in a bar in a jungle on the moon where everything EXPLODES!
THE SUN! Giblets thinks it's too hot today so he flies out to the sun in his spaceship and pops it one and it EXPLODES!
BIG CARS! Giblets drives a truck real fast and some other guy Giblets doesn't know that well drives another truck real fast and they crash into buildings and cars and a traveling circus of man-eating sharks and everything EXPLODES!
We take a break from the revenge for some ice cream. "Pretty good ice cream," says Fafnir. Eh. It's okay. But Giblets has had a lot better ice cream.
THE LIBRARY! Giblets returns his books within the grace period alotted by library policy but is forced to pay a fee anyway and informs the librarian in a quiet even voice that the library will no longer be receiving his patronage and it EXPLODES!
Giblets goes on to slay titans and kill giants and wrestle the King of the Ape-Men! Huzzah!
posted by Giblets at 11:28 AM
Saturday, January 15, 2005
WHO KILLED GIBLETS?!? It is a mystery... a MURDER mystery! "Mysteries are insolent!" says Giblets. "Giblets demands vengeance!" And now we must solve its horrible mysteriousness before it can confuse us again!
Is it the Colonel with his elephant gun an his gin an his memories of the big war? "Well, hrrraa, I never!" says the Colonel. "Man of my reputation! Fought in the thingwot! Hrruffrruruufffuruff! Queen was twenty feet tall, breasts like sausages, bore me a litter of eighty-two! Ambassador to the sponge people for sixty years, hmmmm, indeed!" "I don't think he did it, but Giblets demands vengeance on him anyway," says Giblets.
Is it the leprechauns with their tiny feet an shifty eyes? "Faith 'n begorah, but we loved the wee lad, quick wi' a drink 'n a laugh!" says the leprechauns. "But oh, he came so close to our pot o' gold!" "Don't trust em!" says Giblets. "They'll sic their purple horseshoes an green clovers on you!"
Is it the rhinoceros with its aphrodisiac horn and herbivorous browsing? "While a solitary creature and rarely aggressive on its own, the white rhinoceros can be dangerous if provoked, with large horns and a weight of over 2000 kilograms," says the rhinoceros expert. "Do not startle the rhinoceros, invade its territory, feed it liquor and cigars, or eat its young." "Stupid rhinoceros," says Giblets. "Why do we have a rhinoceros anyway?" "So the alligator has somebody to play with," says me.
Is it the murderer? "I have an alibi, but I've momentarily forgotten it," says the murderer. "Could you dispose of this weapon for me? I really have to catch a plane." "Eh, seems okay," says Giblets. "He left us this box of delicious muffins!" says me. "Ooo... poison-flavored!" says Giblets.
Who could it be??!! The shocking answers when we return in a couple days!
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 6:13 PM
George Bush is gearing up to reactivate his campaign machine for the sole purpose of pushing his Social Security privatization plan, a plan so critical to our nation's future, so vital to our society's well-being, that it cannot be revealed to anyone. And yet the president faces obstacles: the usual doubters and skeptics have appeared as if on cue, demanding petty, legalistic details such as what the plan is, how many trillions it will cost, and whose retirement it will bankrupt.
What these doubting Thomases fail to understand - and in fact, will never understand - is that privatization cannot be explained: it must be experienced, and that experience is not some cold, soulless experience of "hard evidence," but of something deeper: an experience of faith.
Such is the power and mystery of Bush's plan that it can only work for those individuals who personally believe in it, for those whose trust in privatization establishes a personal relationship with it. For by stock portfolios are ye saved, through faith alone, not through sound policy, lest any economic adviser should boast.
The Medium Lobster would not expect the doubters to understand. They worship at a false altar of rationalism, reducing presidential agendas from sacred mysteries to mundane and testable hypotheses. They require actual information about a multi-trillion-dollar social program before they're willing to put their trust in it - and that is why they fail.
The vast gulf between the world of Bush and the world of man cannot be bridged by science; it can only be bridged by faith - faith in George Bush and his plan, without which there is no entry into the Ownership Society. Have you accepted privatization as your personal lord and savior? Are you willing to make that commitment today?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:24 PM
A year ago I took a nickel from the "give a penny take a penny" jar at Dunkin Donuts an even though I put a disclaimer on Fafblog tellin people I was gettin money from Dunkin Donuts I did not tell them HOW much money I got from them. I am very sorry. Now there is no way to tell if everythin we wrote over the last year was part of an organized campaign to convince you of the deliciousness of Dunkin Donut donuts.
The smooth creamy chocolatey deliciousness of Dunkin Donut donuts. Mmm, mmm, good.
posted by fafnir at 5:47 AM
Friday, January 14, 2005
Now that everything's used up, everything pretty much repeats itself only louder an with more explosions. I get the same mail today I got yesterday only the mailbox is attacked by a team of international jewel thieves posing as Muslim extremists. The same ragtag team of rough-edged mercenarcies show up in the nick a time to kill the bad guys and deliver my packages.
The love interests keep changing an gettin bigger an better every day, gettin more muscles an bigger breasts an bigger muscles an more breasts, but their dialogue gets worse an the adult situations become more forced. Random naked people start showin up in the salad bar.
The villain arrives who is either a terrorist or a cyborg or a pirate or a terrorist cyborg pirate an he falls off a building an gets eaten by elephants an explodes for us to end the day. Then everything blows up an we go home.
Strange elflike little people fix everythin in the middle of the night. The next day everything is clean an new an ready to be destroyed again in the very same way. We brush our teeth, walk past the ninjas an get ready for another stupid ol day.
Labels: the planets
posted by fafnir at 11:47 AM
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
It looks like the Pentagon may not be training death squads after all. Well, there's one thing we've learned from all this: Donald Ryumsfeld is a pussy, a weak-kneed liberal appeaser of Islamists. Giblets stuck by death squads when they were hot and now he's sticking by them now that they're not, just like his buddies at the National Review. Bring on the militias of crazed nun-rapers!
posted by Giblets at 9:54 PM
Scientists discover that the world is made of candy! There is a huge celebration because hunger is over forever. People everywhere rush outside an eat trees an grass an birds an cars an streetlights an bits of masonry. Some people say that some things taste better than others, the way dogs taste better than concrete. Other people say this is crazy and that it's all the same flavor with different colors, like a bag of skittles. The first people believe the second people to be impugning the good name of skittles and eat them and find out that people are the most delicious candy of all!
Stuff is eaten in mass quantities. There is a worldwide run on stuff, and countries with more stuff, like mountains and forests and people, start getting invaded by countries with less stuff, like deserts and plateaus. Casualties are enormous but cannot be counted because the bodies don't stay long enough.
Scientists get back on TV to say something else but it is unclear what because televisions have been eaten. Massive food riots break out across the country as morbidly obese people fight for the last few scraps of each other.
Me an Giblets watch it all from our delicious chocolatey bunker. "Maybe we shouldn't eat the furniture so fast," says me to Giblets while he swallows a piece a table leg. "We should ration it out carefully to preserve the candy supply."
"Nonsense!" says Giblets. "We will never run out of the candy supply!"
"Well after the furniture we just have the bunker," says me. "An after the bunker there's just us."
"And eating each other would be crazy," says Giblets.
"Yes," says me. "Crazy."
We stare off into the distance and try not to think about lunch.
Labels: the planets
posted by fafnir at 8:03 PM
SUCCESS! On behalf of the entire "Mainstream Media," Howard Fineman has surrendered to Blogonia, and Giblets, its cruel and unyielding Blogarch, accepts! Giblets basks in the heady glow of assured relevance! He guzzles the sweet nectar of unparalleled dominance! Truly blogs are truly the ascendent masters of media discourse! Why, Instapundit alone has almost as many readers as the viewership of CNBC's Kudlow and Cramer!
Andrew Sullivan*, standing atop the mountain only Blogtopians could conquer, wonders if bloggers have misused their immense and newfound powers. Giblets says nay - his power flows unheeded by any "old media" notions of "morality" or "restraint"! Let Giblets's new Decrees Over All Media commence!
DECREE THE FIRST! All news is now NET-news! All reporting is now E-reporting! The New York Times will spend 90% of its content bickering with the Washington Post in an increasingly abstract yet personal argument regarding the feasibility of anarcho-capitalism in the works of A. A. Milne! The CBS Evening News will be replaced by one man persistently correcting the Washington Post's spelling and grammar for thirty minutes! The Wall Street Journal will consist entirely of excerpts of the New York Times and the Washington Post followed by a single "Indeed"!
DECREE THE SECOND! Death to Brian Williams! Giblets finds his smug self-satisfied delivery and newsman cadence to be intolerable relics of the old and biased Legacy Media Bastille which Giblets has stormed and destroyed with his lightning-quick ether-punditry, and it shall have no place in the New Blog Order!
DECREE THE THIRD! An end to non-Giblets bias in reporting! More Giblets stories! No longer will the "MSM" overlook Giblets and Giblets-related news items! What is Giblets mad at today? What is Giblets eating? Is he wearing purple pants or plaid pants? How great is Giblets, he is so great he is Giblets! You will know, and you will be forced to know, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week!
Giblets will think up more decrees very soon. In the meantime, bring Giblets his endless array of mansions, hot cars, and bethonged women! The media is dead! Long live the media!
*The other night me and Fafnir were at some steakhouse eatin' steak and Andrew Sullivan showed up like a couple feet away from us. We went "Oh my God that's Andrew Sullivan!" and all the non-bloggers we were with knew EXACTLY who we were talking about. When we left the restaurant we passed a cold starving Peter Jennings on the street wearing a sign that read "WILL READ NEWS FOR FOOD." Victory is ours!
posted by Giblets at 2:55 PM
So there's gonna be a whole lotta whining and bitching about "oh the Iraq War was a sham" all because the US military gave up looking for weapons of mass destruction. Three weeks ago. Well, that's a whole lotta crap! By invading Iraq the US headed off a grave and gathering threat, like a mushroom cloud made of terrorists! Oh, you hear a lotta talk about "chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons" that never turned up. But does the "Mainstream Media" ever talk about the OTHER weapons of mass destruction that the US has disarmed in Operation Iraqi Freedom? No!
SAND! It is well-known in the "blogosphere" that Saddam was mastering the creation of unstoppable Sand Golems capable of crushing whole cities in monster rampages! Only by siezing control of deadly Iraqi sand could we protect decent Americans from this menace. But the threat of high-sand-content nations isn't over! Giblets hears that Syria may already have a sand processing plant up and running!
ARABS! Saddam had hidden thousands of potentially deadly "dual-use" Arabs that could have been weaponized at any moment! Fortunately the US military has been rounding up and destroying these civilians of mass destruction. But did Saddam hide any of these CMDs to other countries such as Iran and Syria? Giblets says there's only one way to find out!
OIL! Ever tried to drink oil? Oh, it tastes pretty good, but after a while you can get reeeeeaaal sick. So what was Saddam doing with all this black Giblets-sickening stuff in his country anyway!
posted by Giblets at 11:45 AM
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
So I'm paintin on the side of a buildin workin on my epic graffiti mural Mr Mumfrey Makes Toast when a piece a paint falls off an I see a big plastic brick behind it. "Huh, that's funny," says me. "Didn't know they were makin buildins outta plastic."
Next day I'm walkin the dog an I notice I'm not really walkin him as much as draggin him cause he seems all stiff an plasticky, an first I'm all worried about the dog before I figure out it's just he's made a plastic. "That's a neat trick dog," says me. The dog makes the kinda bark plastic makes an I walk him down a plastic sidewalk.
Day after that I'm sittin in the park tryin to eat a pretzel only it is much harder, more rigid, an harder to chew than my usual pretzel when I see a buncha guys movin a tree an replacin it with a clever plastic replacement tree. I run over to stop em an Speak For The Trees only I can't on accounta my mouth's fulla plastic pretzel. The plastic tree guys grab me an throw me in their plastic car an drive off to a big plastic building to face the clever plastic conspiracy that's replacin the world with plastic!
When I get there the clever plastic conspiracy's just sittin there made a plastic. I move em around an speak for em. "Oh Fafnir you've been a bad Fafnir figurin out our plastic conspiracy," I make the plastic conspiracy guys go. Then I get bored an go home.
Back home Giblets is bossin the dog but the dog won't do anythin back. "Insolent dog," says Giblets.
Labels: the planets
posted by fafnir at 3:50 PM
It's been almost two years since we liberated Iraq and all Giblets hears from these new free Iraqis is complaints. Whine, whine, whine, nag, nag, nag, bombing, bombing, bombing! Oh, we have no electricity! Oh, we have no potable water! Oh, our relatives are being raped and tortured and killed! To think that this is all the thanks Giblets gets after working and slaving over a hot military-industrial complex to bury your infrastructure!
Well, Giblets "dares to discipline." Even the most unruly and ungrateful young colony can be knocked back into shape with a little tough love. The love of a good death squad.
After months of pussyfooting around with indefinite detentions, beatings and sexual humiliation, the US military is considering starting up "Special Forces-led assassination or kidnapping squads" in Iraq, and it's about damn time. As one military source told Newsweek, "The Sunni population is paying no price for the support it is giving to the terrorists. From their point of view, it is cost-free. We have to change that equation."
Very true. Right now the only price Iraqis are paying is a wasted infrastructure, a looming civil war, and a civilian death toll of at least fifteen thousand bodies. If they're gonna cry over that spilled milk, then let's give 'em something to really cry about! Giblets bets they'll be just begging to go back to chemically-burnt genitalia once they've had a couple weeks of roving death squads killing their friends and relatives!
The same old liberal pansies are gonna say "oh but I do not like killing lots of people because I am a great big girl." But if we don't go slaughtering Sunnis en masse in an organized terror campaign, how will they ever learn to respect their boundaries, obey their elders, and become a stable pro-Western democracy? This is the same lesson America learned from George Washington when he ended the Whiskey Rebellion by crucifying half the state of Pennsylvania on his front lawn.
So don't spare the rod, military! Years from now, when it is all grown up, Iraq will thank us for our loving disciplinarian approach. Just ask Nicaragua and Iran!
posted by Giblets at 10:17 AM
Sunday, January 9, 2005
Open your browsers, brothers and sisters. Today's text will be the testimony of Alberto Gonzales. Today's sermon will be on the subject of mercy and justice.
As Brother Gonzales teaches us, our President is a fearsome President: he "does not engage in torture and will not condone torture" - but he could if he wanted to, for it is within his awesome power. He will "honor the Geneva Conventions whenever they apply" - but Brother Gonzales does not know, or cannot tell us, just how often they do not apply, for these are Sacred Mysteries of the Mind of Bush, which is unknowable to ordinary men. Should we stray beyond the mercy afforded by his Presidential Grace, we will find ourselves facing the full force of his almighty wrath, and the legal-yet-undefined interrogation methods which are most certainly not torture.
There are those heathens who rage at the power of the President, asking what right he has to allow our ear canals to be burnt with cigarettes, our genitals to be burned with chemical lights, or our bodies to be stuffed into oil drums. This is the oldest sin: rebellion against the power of the President, which caused Man to become a depraved creature worshiping false idols and believing in intrinsic human rights. And my brothers and sisters, that depravity so disgusts the President that each of us has earned a place in a Gitmo of the heart.
We are dangled over the possibility of indefinite detention and torture like spiders over a flame by the hand of an angry President, and only his mercy and restraint can save us now. It is not that Bush chooses to have us tortured; it is that he chooses, through his awesome and Presidential love, to not have us tortured. Now that is a miracle!
Are you Bush-fearing men and women, my brethren? Does holy terror of the Spirit of the Commander-in-Chief live in your hearts tonight? Behold, the Bush administration stands at the door and knocks, and if any hear its voice, it will kick the door down and have them beaten in Syria.
Let us pray.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:19 PM
Hello there an welcome to another edition of Alberto Gonzales Versus A Baked Potato! Today we'll rate the president's nominee for attorney general against a plump oven-hot starchy vegetable.
Alberto Gonzales: Risen from humble roots, member of oppressed minority
Baked potato: member of the Solanaceae family
Alberto Gonzales: No longer pro-torture! Still pro-omnipotent executive branch.
Baked potato: Product of the corrupt agribusiness industry
USEFULNESS TO THE PRESIDENT
Alberto Gonzales: Loyal Bush family retainer, but easily replaced with novelty "You da man!" talking keychain
Baked potato: Delicious with steak, but even better mashed
POWERS AND ABILITIES
Alberto Gonzales: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody.
Baked potato: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody, and is covered with hot melted butter and sour cream!
Wow, we gotta say this was a real blowout in the end! We expect the president to drop Gonzales in the next coupla days an announce a baked potato as his new man in the Justice Department... unless of course President Bush has bigger ideas for our starchy jurist. Rehnquist can't hold out forever!
posted by fafnir at 4:05 PM
Thursday, January 6, 2005
So Giblets is sitting down in front of the library TV with a box of commandeered Cheezoids to enjoy the intellectual repaste that is CNN's Crossfire when he sees a news item telling him that soon there will BE no Crossfire! Outrage, perfidy, treason! What will replace it? Coverage of actual news? Can you even CALL it "news" without whack-a-mole sound effects, cartoonish repetition of talking points and a prompted studio audience? Delirium, lunacy, madness!
Oh sure, maybe if CNN does more reporting and less commenting it will "inform the public" more. But what does informing the public have to do with journalism? Tucker Carlson is a "great journalist" and he's spent the last five years making dingle bell noises at Paul Begala. But he did it with a trademark smarm and overpowering obnoxiousness that left Giblets coming back for more!
Journalism isn't supposed to tell Giblets what's going on. It's supposed to entertain him! So Crossfire had crap ratings. That's nothing a little back-to-basics reporter gumption can't fix! Change the format a little - a mud pit instead of a desk, Begala and Novak rolling on the ground in speedos, James Carville oiled and naked wrestling a greased pig! Now THAT'S the Fourth Estate!
But CNN has forfeited its journalistic integrity and thus its hold upon Giblets! His eyes are now only fit for serious news shows now such as Fox News, Hardball, Scarborough Country, and Girls Gone Wild: America Uncovered. Animus, umbrage, fie!
posted by Giblets at 4:02 PM
LIKE A PHOOOOEEEEEENIX FROM THE ASSSSSSHESSSS! You guys are the bestest blog readers ever and we love you with all our hearts.
posted by fafnir at 1:34 PM
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
"An so I says to the man in the mustard 'well if you think you know so much about radishes how come you don't ask THEM about it' but he just sits there in his mustard lookin angry an askin me for exact change which I don't have a course cause I loaned it to the radishes only they're not sayin anythin about it cause you know how they are," says me to the phone.
"You speak to no one!" says Giblets. "The phone company has disconnected us from phone an internet an cut us off from the outside world!"
"Don't be silly Giblets," says me. "I'm talkin to Colonel Whatsis. He's down at the Gentlemen's Club tellin stories about the Big War!"
"Colonel Whatsis is old and dead and has been dead for ages!" says Giblets. "He died of old age and death and being dead!"
"That's not true at all," says me. "Besides why would the phone company disconnect me from Colonel Whatsis without tellin me right in the middle a important stuff like talkin to Colonel Whatsis?"
"Because they are evil and stupid and are enemies of Giblets to which Giblets will lay waste with fire and sword!" says Giblets in his Roman war helmet.
"But you can't right now," says me. "On accounta normal business hours."
"Oh yes the business hours," says Giblets. "But once the customer service line is up again oh the havok and wardogs Giblets will unleash!"
"Colonel Whatsis has a funny story about wardogs but he hasn't told it in a while," says me.
We're back but postin's gonna be light till we fix this thing with the Colonel.
posted by fafnir at 6:58 PM
Saturday, January 1, 2005
You look tired after a long hard year. Here you go. Have a fresh baked pie. It will be delicious!
Oh sure maybe last year's pie was a little old an moldy. Maybe it was kinda sour an nasty an eaten by bugs. But it was your pie, and now you have a new one!
The New Year Pie is prepared in secret and its taste is shrouded in mystery. Will it be lemon merangue or peanut butter ketchup? Chocolate raspberry cream or rubber strawberry surprise? You won't know till you take a bite. I'm hopin for a scrumptious lime-omelette double-crust! One a these days we're gonna get those right.
Happy New Year! Eat your pie.
posted by fafnir at 5:49 PM