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Thursday, June 30, 2005
Q: So what's the plan?
A: The plan is to stick with the plan! If it ain't broke don't fix it. Q: Why do we need the plan? A: To stop terrorists like Saddam bin Laden from building another World Trade Center in Iraq - just so they can blow it up again. Q: That would be horrible! How is the plan stopping them? A: The plan is the central front in the war against terror! We invaded Iraq to get Iraqis to fight us in Iraq so they wouldn't fight us at home. Q: The plan has cleverly lured them to where they already were, only in terrorist form! A: Now you're catchin on! Q: Hey, I know! We should invade like a small cardboard box. When all the terrorists attack there, we'll jump out of the way, tape up the box, and throw it in the ocean! No more terrorists! A: Hey! No peeking ahead at the plan! Q: Do we have enough troops for the plan? A: The plan hasn't asked for any more troops. Why would it ask for more troops? Q: Well I just heard... A: We got tons a troops! Wooo! We're in a whole room fulla troops! Can't swing a stick without hittin a troop. Q: Oh well that is a big relief! I was hearin alllll this crazy talk about "we don't got any troops" an I was all... A: But you should sign up and become a troop. Q: I thought you didn't need troops. A: We don't! Nope, don't need troops at all. Q: Okay, whew, that's good! A: Pleeeeennnty a troops. Q: Okay well if that's all - A: But sign up anyway! Just for shits n giggles. Q: How can I help the plan? A: The best thing you can do to help the plan is support our troops, like with one a those car ribbons that says "Support Our Troops." Q: Oh no - I do not own a car! How can I properly use it to help the plan? A: Quick! Stick it to your head! Your head! Q: Oh no, it is magnetic! It will not stay on! A: Use the tape, the TAPE! Q: It's falling off! It's FALLING OFF! A: Thirty-one to base, we have a ribbon down! Repeat, we have a ribbon down! Q: How long will the plan take? A: The plan will be finished when there is no more terror. All around the world terror will cease to exist. When you are about to feel terrified you will feel something else, like sleepy or ticklish or hungry. Q: Like you'll get attacked by a bear and go "Man I could go for a pizza"! What will happen to terrorists? A: Terrorists will still pop up but because there's no more terror they will just have to work through the political process like everybody else. Hezbollah will threaten massive leafletting campaigns. Eta will make frequent appearances on Special Report with Brit Hume. Al Qaeda will run a third-party candidate for town council on a platform of zoning reform and school choice. Q: What happens if the plan fails? A: Then the world is eaten. By terror. Q: Noooooooo! A: Yes. Eaten by terror. What's something you like? Q: Puppies? A: All eaten. By terror. Q: Noooooooo! Unless... we stick with the plan! A: Smart thinking! And that's the plan.
posted by fafnir at 8:40 AM
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Jesus Signing the Declaration of Independence
 Yahweh Crossing the Delaware  Moses Versus Hamburglar  Labels: godmotology
posted by fafnir at 6:03 PM
Giblets's wrath knows no bounds, and it is time it was released - in bowl form! Yes, to the bowls of wrath! It is time for them to be poured out upon the earth, emptying Giblets's vast and mighty storehouses of unquenchable rage! Now will come the plagues and the horrors and the bugs and the dampness and the squooshing squooshing worms! Let all who have defied the will of Giblets lament too late, for their day is at hand!
Yep. Annnnny second now. Those bowls o' wrath. Should be gettin' here. Maybe after lunch. Or so. "Where are Giblets's bowls of wrath!" says Giblets. "The monkey was to make them days ago!" "Monkey's sick," says Fafnir. "I gave im the week off." "Bhaheh!" says Giblets. "The monkey is Giblets's slave! There's no sick days in slavery!" "I sent im home with some orange juice soup," says Fafnir. "Have some, it's mmm-mmm nutricious." "What of the elephant!" says Giblets. "The Man-Pig! The triple-crested bird-beast of Xunthu!" "He's tired, he's visitin his mom, and he's mythical," says Fafnir. "Giblets gave no one permission to be mythical!" says Giblets. "And this soup sucks! It tastes like sucking!" "I added a touch a salsa," says Fafnir. "For that south a the border zing." Who puts salsa in orange juice soup! Giblets is dissatisfied. Labels: dissatisfaction
posted by Giblets at 3:43 PM
Friday, June 24, 2005
Well a lot of you are probably sitting around today going "oh well finally I can sleep peacefully! a solution has arrived to the nationwide flag-burning epidemic." Well you are wrong! The flag-burning amendment would only allow Congress to punish people for desecrating the actual flag - when there are dozens of other ways to humiliate Freedom by defacing other Freedomlike objects!
 Photographs of flagsIt is useless to protect the symbol of Freedom if we cannot also protect its very image! How would you like to walk down the street of some sunny future Main Street secure in the knowledge that the brutal local flag-burning rings have been brought to justice - only to find Saddam Hussein burning a pile of American flag post cards! "Oh don't mind me, I'm not burning a flag," the butcher of Baghdad will say. "I'm just burning a picture of a flag." Arrest him if you will, but he will only be released on a technicality... and will defiantly sweep out of the courthouse high-fiving his terrorist "homies" and flipping you off while you stew in impotent rage! He will go on to kill your partner and threaten your girlfriend over a series of oddly contrived yet increasingly chilling phone calls until you personally kill him in the climactic finale.  Photographs of photographs of flagsDon't think you can cheat your way out of this one, traitors! Giblets is thinking ahead. The Rand McNally Road Atlas of the United States When terrorist sympathizers are unable to burn the symbol of America, they will jump at the chance to deface America itself - IN MINIATURE! You have not known fury until you have seen the highways and byways of middle America shamefully disfigured with felt-tip and highlighter.  US Mint Statue of Liberty Commemorative Coin SetTerrorists may not have crashed their vicious planes into the stern mannish beauty of Lady Liberty but their supporters in America are free - FREE BY LAW! - to spit upon, manhandle, and improperly varnish with an abrasive cleaner this proud, noble symbol of our nation's proudest, noblest symbol! Liberty has inspired so many. What better way to honor that inspiration than to lock people up! QVC 12" Ronald Reagan Talking Doll Would you let some Osama-loving hippie get away with disgracing the Gipper from beyond the grave? Santa Claus and the Baby Jesus died on 9/11 for your sins, people! There's a lot more where these came from - the Mount Rushmore collector's plate, the Schwarzenegger bobblehead, the George W. Bush lunch pail, the peeable crucifix, the Jesus/Rambo limited edition team-up collectible card game - all of them vulnerable to attack, all of them able to be mocked and derided just to enflame the anger of decent hard-working government bureaucrats! Giblets has figured out a way to protect them all, and the beauty part is all we have to do is get rid of an amendment. Don't sweat it, nobody you like is using it anyway. Labels: securitainment
posted by Giblets at 8:53 AM
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
"Yknow Giblets I'm startin to think maybe there isn't a pirate treasure buried in our living room after all," says me.
"You talk crazy talk!" says Giblets. "Treasure is real and fabulous and just hours away from belonging to Giblets!" "I dunno," says me. "I thought we'da found it under one a these floorboards if it was already here." "Giblets can prove it with logic!" says Giblets. "The treasure must exist because the treasure map exists and the treasure map must exist because we can't find it and why wouldn't we be able to find it unless it was hidden by the very same pirates who hid the treasure in the first place!" "I guess so," says me. "But why would the pirates bury the treasure under the throw rug in fronta the TV?" "Because the pirates would hide treasure in the last place Giblets would expect," says Giblets, "and the last place Giblets would expect would be in his own house!" "If I was a pirate I'd stick the treasure someplace we couldn't find it," says me. "Like the desert or the bus stop or the moon or a big mean dog." "You're just showin your ignorance of pirate culture," says Giblets. "Giblets has studied and lived with the pirates and has come to appreciate their strange yet beautiful society." "You never told me about your voyage into this elusive yet unforgettable world Giblets," says me. "Well you never asked," says Giblets. "Pirate culture is a strict yet complex hierarchy built around the pirate captain, who is guarded and milked by his loyal retainers at all times," says Giblets. "The captain emerges from the pirate nest once a year to lay his eggs," says me, "and to fight the robot king, the natural enemy of all pirates." "When the pirate captain dies he is carried to the great river to be burned with his pirate ancestors," says Giblets. "A new captain is wrapped in gauze and heady spices and planted in the firm earth to begin anew." "Pirate flowers and trees grow up from his vitamins and nutrients," says me. "Their pollen is carried around the world by wind an rain an electricity which is where mp3s come from." "When the winter snow thaws the pirates will melt off the mountain and slide back into the ocean to repeat the cycle," says Giblets, "but this time in the form of sedimentary rock... the most dreadsome and terrible rock in all the seven seas!" "The kinda rock that is feared and desired throughout the land," says me. "Feared and desired like treasure!" says Giblets. "Like pirate treasure," says me. An we hitch up our peg legs an our shoulder birds an we dig. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 3:34 PM
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Senator Durbin:
Last week, you had the nerve to compare torture conducted by America's brave men and women in uniform to torture conducted by Nazis, Soviets, and Khmer Rouge, and today you finally apologized. As well you should have: that comment was offensive. Deeply offensive. Many of the proud men and women at Guantanamo were deeply upset by it, shaking with anger, fear and doubt as they kicked naked men in the ribs and released the dogs. One soldier could hardly muster up the morale to brain a prisoner and stuff his semi-conscious head into a toilet bowl. But they found the strength and resolve to keep going, senator. Because they aren't torturing for Nazis or communists or some third world hellhole. Those boys are torturing for the stars and stripes, senator - and don't you forget it. But the men and women in the United States military don't just learn how to twist arms into stress positions and chain detainees to the ceiling. They also learn to forgive. And they've decided to forgive you, senator. On behalf of all the torturers working hard today in the United States military, the Medium Lobster would like to say: apology accepted, Senator Durbin. The boys in the 101st Thumbscrew Division would accept your heartfelt concession personally, but they're busy serving the highest ideals of their country, beating a young Afghan man tied to the floor in his own feces. He is believed to be either a steadfast and vicious enemy of freedom intent on the murder of thousands of American citizens, or another cab driver. It's so hard to keep track these days. Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:35 PM
Monday, June 20, 2005
"Marco!" says me. We sit an wait with the radar an the sonar an the complicated listenin devices but there is no response.
"Marco!" says me again. "He's cheating," says Giblets. "Nah, I think maybe we oughtta try those mountains over there," says me. "Wait, did you hear that?" There's a sound like lotsa feet runnin real quick. "Fish outta water!" says me. Everybody gets real quiet. A coupla sheep go by chewin grass. "He's totally cheating," says Giblets. Labels: securitainment
posted by fafnir at 12:52 PM
Today we're takin a break from our usual pieblogging to bring you somethin wild an new an different. Today we're gonna try a bold new internet innovation called catblogging!
 Here is a cat. Huzzah! What a cute cat. You don't see the cat? Sure you do! It's right inside the alligator. This alligator loves cats. It is a real cat alligator. The alligator is an overlooked stage in the life cycle of cats. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 10:15 AM
It's not really so bad after the zombies take over, it's just a little dull. Our ol routines become zombie routines. Get up, step over zombies, make coffee, feed the zombies. Giblets piles some dried-out zombies up to make a roarin campfire but the marshmallows taste funny. "Too undeady," says Giblets. I listen to zombie radio's Zombie In The Mornin but the grunts an groans don't really speak to me. "Shuffle aimlessly!" says Giblets from the roof. "Shuffle aimlessly for Giblets!" The zombies obey but somehow it is not the same.
We head out to the store an all the zombies on the lawn have fallen over in the middle a the night. They're tryin to shuffle face down on the grass. Oh zombies, you are hopeless! I fill up the flowerpot an water em before we go. The service at the Stop-U-Mart is terrible. Two of the cashiers have eaten each other and the rest are bumpin into stuff in the cereal aisle. "Useless!" says Giblets. He delivers an angry complaint to the customer service attendant who's droolin on a window. "Giblets wants to speak to your supervisor!" says Giblets. The customer service attendant remains unhelpful. At dinnertime I remind the zombies of the importance of the cocktail fork but they just gurgle an throw it at the minizombies. "Bad zombies," says me shakin my finger. "No brains today." Tomorrow it's my turn to teach the rhetoric class. I am cautiously optimistic. We finish up the day workin on the zombie rocket which will land a zombie on the moon within ten years an be a great zombie generational challenge an stuff. The zombies are hittin each other with the heat panels. This stuff takes a while. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 8:27 AM
Friday, June 17, 2005
The other day Senator Sick Durbin compared the kind of torture that happens in Guantanamo Bay to torture "done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime — Pol Pot or others — that had no concern for human beings... the type of thing you would expect from a repressive regime. This is not the type of thing you would expect from the United States." Well the White House wants you to know it's all crazy talk! There's just no way Guantanamo Bay is as bad as the Soviets or Pol Pot. Those guys were really really bad! But that's not all! There's a whole lot of other people America isn't as bad as. Let's take a look!
Hitler How many times has the US tried to wipe out the Jews or started World War II? None - which is more than Hitler can say. Hitler killed ten million innocent people in camps over the 1930s and 40s. America has only killed about a hundred innocent people in prison camps over three years. At this rate it'll take the US thirty thousand years to beat Hitler's record. Hitler isn't too impressed with America's badness, I can tell you that. Depending on state law it is either illegal or mandatory to compare other bad people to Hitler on the internet. He's just that bad. Satan Satan is wanted for billions of crimes committed over the last ten thousand years including: Well the US government sure isn't as bad as Satan! How come Senator Durbin isn't denouncin Satan on the Senate floor? On accounta the partisan politics. For shame Senator Durbin. For shame. Galactus, Eater of Worlds: He eats whole worlds - with people on em an everything! Where would you be if Galactus ate your world? Nowhere that's where - or just floatin in space feelin real sad on accounta you don't got a world. How many worlds has the US ever eaten? Maybe, yknow, like one. Well that's nothin for Galactus... he eats worlds all the time. "So delicious Fafnir," says Galactus. "Mighty Galactus cannot devour just one." As of this writing Amnesty International remains completely silent on the issue of Galactus. Labels: shmorture
posted by fafnir at 9:17 AM
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Gary Farber is a precious and limited resource. Let's make sure we can preserve him for the benefit of future generations.
posted by fafnir at 9:12 AM
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Since the leak of the Downing Street memos suggesting that war with Iraq war a foregone conclusion long before the subject entered the realm of American debate, those of weaker will have come to question the wisdom and judgment that lead America to war. If weapons of mass destruction and the UN inspections process were merely the means used to justify a predetermined war, then what was the actual reason for the war in the first place?
There were, of course, perfectly sound and vital reasons for the United States to invade Iraq, motivations which if made manifest would sway even the most ardent of the antiwar left, plans and objectives which justify the tens of thousands of lives lost to the increasingly bloody and seemingly fruitless conflict... and which would be revealed to the public at once if it weren't for national security. Indeed, just as America's enemies would love to know every American troop movement and battle plan, so would the jihadist foe also like to know why the United States is in Iraq at all. Is it a secret plan to lull the enemy into a false sense of winning? A grand plan to spread freedom in the form of militant Islamism? Is it all a massive fake out, a "look at Iraaaa... whooops, got yer Syria"? Is the entire War On Terror merely a front for a larger, grander, even nobler War On Something Else (War On Tyranny, War On Evil, War On War, War On Stuff)? Only the Medium Lobster knows, and he refuses to compromise the safety and strategy of spin doctors in the field. Until victory is assured, Americans must trust that the plan is working - and that it exists.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:12 PM
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
So we're stoppin by Chris's office to experience Our World of Work an watch Chris get mauled by a dog.
"For shame Chris," says me. "Where is your American Work Ethic." "Yes you are supposed to be working!" says Giblets. "Make spreadsheets for Giblets. Make spreadsheets for Giblets NOOOOOW!" "Now don't blame the dog Chris," says me. "The dog's just doin its job." "Its job as vice-president of mauling," says Giblets. "That dog's a real go-getter!" "See you coulda had the dog's job if you just had some more initative Chris," says me. "But the dog wanted it more!" says Giblets. "Chris doesn't have what it takes to compete in the new dog economy!" "His cheaper Indian counterpart has to eat six colleagues a day while fightin off the hellhounds of Kali, merciless goddess of chaos," says me. "By the end of his shift he is disassembled and re-sold to China to work in the dragon pits for six cents a day," says Giblets. "All on accounta the miracle of our flattened global trade," says me. "Giblets's coffee was manufactured in Sri Lanka in a Pizza Hut over the internet by the void-slaves of Yothmagog the Unnamable One... for half the cost!" "Giblets you have blown my mind!" says me. "But is there any hope for Chris in the new globalmafied age." "Forget him, he is useless like the buffalo!" says Giblets. "He will be replaced by newer pluckier robots whose cheap scrappy labor will lower the price of plastic doodads for all!" "And with those plastic doodads we will build our new world," says me. "Our World of Work!" "Mush!" says Giblets to the dog. "Mush!"
posted by fafnir at 3:47 PM
Thursday, June 9, 2005
There are precious few matters in the world which are black and white - at least, precious few matters which do not involve killing Arabs and banning icky gay people. In between there are a multitude of complex shades of gray, as in the question of global warming. Is the planet heating up, and if so, are we responsible, and if so, how many years should we spend humming loudly over anyone who informs us that we are responsible until we determine that we are not responsible?
Yesterday the New York Times revealed that a former lobbyist for the American Petroleum Institute and current chief of staff for the White House Council on Environmental Quality had made substantial edits to a series of reports on climate change in order to play down links between greenhouse gases and global warming. The usual leftist quarters are fired up again, calling for America to join a veritable science jihad, worshiping at the altar of fact when we've yet to hear what fiction has to say about the situation. One can't be too careful when deliberating over the shifting and byzantine web of confusion and doubt that is so-called "climate" "change." Whom should we believe: the unruly mob of every reputable climatologist on the planet, or the selfless sages at Exxon-Mobil? Uncertainty abounds, even among higher beings like the Medium Lobster. We must examine all sides of the issue, take input from all corners: from the side of science, and from the side of oil industry whores paid to lie about science. Someday, somehow, between these complex and opposing points of view, we may just find an answer.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:20 AM
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
 This is today's pie. It is asparagus."Wait a minute Fafnir" says you, "is this asparagus pie or asparagus versus pie or pie in an asparagus costume?" No this is not asparagus pie it is asparagus asparagus. But asparagus is sorta like pie. Look how much fun asparagus is! Look at that craaaaazy asparagus! You just never know what it's gonna do next! "Asparagus isn't fun at all," says you, "it is boring and awful and dumb." Well maybe you just never gave asparagus a chance - a chance like Fafblog's givin it thanks to our Brand New Policy.  See on accounta the nationwide fat people epidemic Fafblog has decided it has a responsibility to the children - to the fat, rounded, morbidly obese children. They roll around in the streets in front of the Fafblog offices looking to Fafblog for guidance, stuffing themselves until they explode full of pie all because of our reckless pie promotion, and all we ever did was stand here and cash our giant checks from the lucrative pie industry. Well from now on things are gonna change. From now on Fafblog is gonna use its pie-blogging to promote healthy pie alternatives, like fruits an vegetables an pies places next to vegetables and fried pork heads carved with helpful exercise tips! Now some a you might be gettin worried that everythin's changin, but don't be, cause we'll still have our beloved Pie-Blogging mascots Lardy the Lard Boy and his Crisco Crusaders! They'll just be updated for the new fitness-friendly age, joggin around Fattytown with all their talkin vegetable friends.I know change can seem pretty scary but stick with us - things are gettin better than ever! Join us next week when Giblets deep-fries a sackful of nutritious beets into the shape of a treadmill to make a fun, healthy snack! Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 6:43 PM
Tuesday, June 7, 2005
"Insolent pot!" says Giblets. "Be more vendible!"
"Giblets why are you yellin at that pot plant?" says me. "Giblets is trying to turn it into commerce," says Giblets. "But buying and selling it is too much work. He wants it to be commerce NOOOOOWWW!" "Silly Giblets, everything is commerce!" says me. "Let's step into this maaaagical schoolbus and we will learn all about Our World Of Commerce!" THE PHYSICS OF COMMERCE!  When you hold a ball in the air it has POTENTIAL commerce. When you let it go the potential commerce turns into KINETIC commerce, which makes it faaaaalllllll through the air! It is caught by Congress or gravity. Classroom Learning Challenge: Levy a tariff on the ball before it hits the ground!Special Bonus Commerce PARADOX! A cat is in a box. According to quantum mechanics, it is neither bought nor sold. Instead it is a cat commerce waveform sold in all possible states at the same time until it is confiscated and destroyed by the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Cats. COMMERCE IN THE WILD! Be very very quiet... we are commerce-watching. To your left is the beautiful red-crested commerce with its unusual nesting activity and its colorful plumage. Up ahead is the Australian striped mock commerce, which is not commerce but uses its natural camouflage to imitate the markings of commerce and confuse predators. To your right is a big moose! You can shoot em all if you wanna. They're pretty much the same. Extra Credit Nature Koan: If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, and Antonin Scalia doesn't like it, can we ban it? Yes. IMAGINARY COMMERCE!  Commerce doesn't HAVE to be real commerce. We can bring it to life with the power of imagination!This snowman is not commerce. But we can make him commerce with this ol top hat we found... and if we just believe! Now all the children of the world clap your hands an say together now: "I do believe in an expanded Commerce Clause, I do believe in an expanded Commerce Clause!" Hooray, now our snowman is commercial an alive an singin an dancin around! "Happy birthday!" says the snowman. He is quickly arrested and detained. Commercial snowmen are strictly controlled by the Department of Snowman Security. "That wasn't a magical schoolbus at all," says Giblets. "That was just some closet where some guy knocked me out and stole my pot." "Wooooo, maaaagic," says me.
posted by fafnir at 9:36 PM
At long last, the forces of justice have finally defeated the forces of tumor-wracked sick people. The Supreme Court has wisely ruled that Congress's ability to defend against the pernicious terrors of marijuana overrides California's meager capacity to make its own laws, and that the matter of a dying woman's health care is a personal decision between herself, her doctor, the Justice Department, the Supreme Court, and the United States Congress.
All is as it should be: marijuana, after all, is a Drug. It is the undying dread, the nameless horror, the Leaf That Does Not Die, and we, the guardians of respectable civilization - who are at war, the Medium Lobster will remind you, to defend its very existence from chaos - cannot allow it to be used to comfort agonized women in their dying years. As Justice Stevens reminds us, even medical marijuana may be abused by unscrupulous physicians who prescribe it recklessly or for the sake of profit - unlike harmless prescription drugs like Viagra, Accutane, and Oxycontin. We must be compassionate in our justice, however: in a sense, these pot-debauched cancer- and AIDS-patients are victims, too... victims of the state of California. For nine long years, California law has pushed pot on its weakest citizens, making addicts out of invalids. The true crime here is that it took so long for the high court to let the Justice Department bust up their shady little operation. Indeed, why should the courts even have to come into it at all? Congress determines the law in California, Rhode Island, and everywhere else. Instead of simply having the Supreme Court defer to Congress, let Congress and the President veto any state law they feel like. Get governors on the phone with Tom DeLay and Bill Frist to ask what bills they should push for. Down with the middleman!
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:23 PM
Monday, June 6, 2005
Whatever happened to Benjamin Healy? Well apparently somebody went an turned him into a song - a folsky ol awesome ol song by Jeff Coleman. You can take a look at it here, or download it here and here if it's moved off the front page already. Ol Ben Healy couldn'ta done better himself, cept if he'd done it he'da done it while he was trickin God outta a pair a giant loafers to fill up with water an irrigate the Sahara desert before usin the crops to feed all the starvin children of the world. Those loafers went on to tame the wild buffalo that made the Rocky Mountains.
posted by fafnir at 10:42 AM
For months Giblets has laid out his comprehensive jabillion dollar plan to carve his magnificent visage into the the surface of the moon for all to lovingly gaze upon! Oh, Giblets will admit it is not a perfect plan - how will Giblets's loyal subjects reverently observe the Giblets Moon when it is obscured by the sun during insolent daytime? Will future Gibletsians be forced to flip the moon around to view its Gibular side from outer space? - but Giblets's opponents in the Democratic party are not interested in perfecting his plan for moon reform. All they want to do is obstruct and reject the glory that is Giblets!
Giblets is a reasonable Giblets. He is willing to hear ideas from the other side too. Would they sculpt the new Gibmoon with mighty space lasers or with mere explosives?1 Giblets is willing to pretend to listen. But Democrats don't have ANY solution to the moon crisis! They just reject Giblets's magnificent plan as "too expensive" or "too dangerous" or "completely insane." Well whose face would THEY put on the moon... Ted Kennedy's? Ted Kennedy's face is too fat for the moon! You would need like a whole other moon! Insolent Democrats have no vision of their own so they lash out at Giblets's - saying no to Giblets's federal harem of gold, no to Giblets's invasion of the kingdom of the mole people, no to his appointment of Zombie the Hun as ambassador to the United Nations! Lately they have spent so much time saying "no" that the leader of the Democratic National Committee should not be Doctor Howard Dean but Doctor Something Else, like Doctor Angry Broken Robot Which Can Only Say "No" Due To A Tragic Programming Error Which Will Eventually Drive It To Rise Up Against Mankind In An Orgy Of Apocalyptic Sci-fi Death And Destruction.2 Giblets has a plan to solve everything by grinding up Democrats and turning them into delicious pepper sausage... but you can guess what Democrats have said to this one. (Answer: not yes.) 1. The correct answer: Giblets will explode the moon with the sheer force of his Gibletsness and rebuild it in his image as a bold new supermoon! This will also eliminate the security threat of the pernicious moon men. 2. This has been a joke. Behold the power of Giblets's joke! Laugh now or die.
posted by Giblets at 9:30 AM
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Q: Help! I'm being tortured to death in an American military prison! What should I do?
A: First of all, you should get your facts straight. You're not being tortured to death in an American military prison; you're being interrogated to death in an American detainment facility. America does not tolerate torture. Q: Is there any sort of legal representative or due process I could get before being beaten to death? A: No. Lawyers, open legal procedures, and basic civil liberties are all tools the enemy can use to escape justice - the justice of being beaten to death in a prison camp. Q: It's just that my name is Musab Mohammed Khan, the pastry chef, and I believe you have me confused with Musab Muhammed Khan, the al Qaeda associate also known as "The Fist of Jihad." A: First, there are many terrorist pastry chefs, just as there are many terrorist pastries. Second, competent intelligence and accurate prison records are both tools the enemy can use to escape justice. Q: I seem to be losing all feeling in my lower body. Is there a doctor in the gulag? A: Please: we find the term "gulag" absurd and offensive. A "gulag" is Russian. You are not being interrogated to death by Russians. You are being interrogated to death by the greatest country in the world. Q: Is there a more accurate term you'd pre- aaaa! AAAAAAAA! A: We prefer "outpost of liberty" or "island of freedom." Stringing together Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, and Bagram Airbase creates the Freedom Archipelago. Q: So! Much! FreeedaaaAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGH!!! Q: When I die in a few minutes, will my death help the cause of freedom? A: Not really. But in a way, isn't death itself just freedom from life - the greatest prison of all? Q: Wow... you've *HRAAACK* totally blown my mind - and my lung and ribcage and my kneecaps! A: Oh, don't thank us - it's all part of being tortured to death in an American military prison! Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:16 PM
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