Thursday, March 25, 2010

"You know what day it is today?" says me.
"It's the Feast of the Martyrdom of Saint Willig, patron saint of haberdashers and turnips," says Giblets.
"It's our blog's very own birthday!" says me. "Seven years of uninterrupted journalistic excellence!"
"No, no, I'm pretty sure it's just Saint Willig," says Giblets flippin through a liturgical calendar. "Martyred on this day in 1309 while choking on a turnip."
"The first thing I'd like to say about our blog is that it has the very best readers," says me. "They might not be the kindest readers or the smartest readers or the happiest or the most articulate or the best-smelling readers but they are our readers, and that says something, probably, about something!"
"We don't have any readers," says Giblets. "No one reads the blog. Even you don't read the blog."
"Sure I do," says me. "Why just the other day I read that thing... about the guy, who's mad about the stuff."
"Giblets is going home," says Giblets.
"It's all part of the rich tapestry of our history," says me.
"Giblets is going home to work on his novel," says Giblets. "It is called This Is Stupid and Boring and Stupid and Shut Up."
"What will the next seven years bring!" says me.
"It is about a young man coming of age in small town America and being eaten by robot bears," says Giblets.

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posted by fafnir at 1:09 PM
Tuesday, March 23, 2010

AND NOW!!! FAFBLOG PRESENTS!! HISTORY'S AMERICA'S FINEST PRESIDENTS!!!

  • William Henry Harrison
  • President McCheese
  • Prezbot from the short-lived 80s sitcom Prezbot!, about the break-dancing presidential robot who breakdances and is president and is also a robot
  • Jesus

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  • posted by fafnir at 1:03 PM
    Tuesday, March 16, 2010

    So I guess I musta slept late or forgot the alarm or hit the snooze too many times or somethin cause when I wake up this mornin I'm in the future. The future's a lot like the present only it's older and more used up. The streets are dusty and the the cars are pre-crashed and the ground's retired and the sky's closed for repairs so most people just stay inside and break things at home. I go out to get some breakfast but when I get there I'm already there. "Pleased to meet you, future me," says me. "I know, I remember," says future me. "Future Giblets wants waffles," says future Giblets but all the waffles have already been eaten by those bastards in the past.

    There's not much to do so we head out to the movies. It's a remake of a sequel of a spinoff of a show about a show about the time we saw this show. "Looks pretty good," says me. "Ehh, I seen it before," says future me. "Future Giblets wants jujyfruits," says future Giblets. We head out to the lobby to get some snacks but by the time we get there we've already had em.

    We spend most a the afternoon diggin around in the backyard for scraps. I find half a Saturday morning and an old arrowhead an part of a used July but the guy at the scrapyard says he can only give us six-fifty for em on accounta they're all covered with people. We figure we'll get some ice cream on the way home but the ice cream's all melted and the truck's broken down and the ice cream man's been eaten by thousands of tiny mice so we settle for some popsicles instead.

    The next day we take a bus to the past. They're closed when we get there so we end up campin out in fronta the ticket booth with some woolly mammoths and a dodo. "Future Giblets wants an omelette," says future Giblets. "Waawk," says the dodo.

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    posted by fafnir at 8:56 AM
    Friday, March 12, 2010

    posted by fafnir at 11:31 AM
    Thursday, March 11, 2010

    It took seven years, three trillion dollars and a million corpses, but America has finally transformed Iraq from a cruel dictatorship ruled by torture and ethnic cleansing into a cruel dictatorship ruled by torture and ethnic cleansing where select survivors are free to vote for the torturer of their choice. And Jesus said "It is accomplished!"

    Is Iraq a democracy? Of course not. But is it close to becoming a democracy? Ha ha, no. But it certainly does resemble, from a distance, when we squint, the vague shape of a notion of the idea of something that contains one particular rote procedural aspect of democracy - albeit one that happens to be attached to a military dictatorship. And certainly that must be worth something. And for the sake of argument, let's say it's worth, oh, I don't know, everyone America has killed, bombed, starved, maimed and tortured in Iraq over the past two decades.

    Because if it's not worth that, then that would mean the occupation of Iraq has not been a selfless nation-building project generously extended from the richest country in the world to one of the poorest, but a sustained and psychotic act of mass murder, a massive, nationwide industrial slaughter that deserves its place among history's great atrocities. And if that's the case, we might find, on closer inspection, more and more American entries in those ranks, from Iraq to Nicaragua to Chile to Vietnam to Korea to Japan to the Philippines to the Trail of Tears. And that would make the United States not an enormous force for good in the world but a monster of world-historical proportions, our leaders gore-guzzling psychopaths who wipe the blood from their chins just long enough to collect the occasional Nobel Prize, and ourselves their numbed, acquiescent followers. And we know that can't be the case, because look at all the good we're doing in Afghanistan.

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    posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:03 AM
    Monday, March 8, 2010

    "Maybe we can outsmart global warming with gumption and can-do and thousands of tiny robots!" says me.
    "Maybe all we need is a simple technological solution, like installing blinds on the sky or an off switch for the sun," says Giblets.
    "Maybe we could flip the continents over when they get hot in the summertime," says me. "I bet they're nice and cool on the other side."
    "Maybe if the oceans start rising we can get a coupla guys to stand on either end with a pair of buckets so they can start bailing if it gets too deep," says Giblets.
    "Well obviously that depends," says me. "Are these solar-powered buckets?"
    "One solar, and one powered by safe clean nuclear energy," says Giblets.
    "What an exciting time for science!" says me.

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    posted by fafnir at 6:46 PM

    VICTOREEEEEEEEE! After nineteen years of bombs and wars and torture and bombs and torture and ethnic cleansing and torture, America's mission in Iraq has finally been re-reaccomplished through the miracle of symbolic purple-fingered brown people! Oh sure, all the cynics and the critics and the nattering nabobs of payingattentionism will say "Oh but Giblets haven't we had five or six of these already, what makes these purple fingers different from previous purple fingers" and the answer to that is shut up. These purple fingers are the most purplest-fingeriest purple fingers to ever have been symbolically purpled! They stand as unique and compelling evidence of our nation's sincere generational commitment to transform a brutal impoverished dictatorship into a brutal, more impoverished dictatorship by freeing Iraq from the deadly menace of Iraqis.

    And with that under our belt it's time for America to pull up its pants, smack the dust off its hands, stuff a million dead Iraqis into the national crawlspace and move on.1 Wait! What's that! Is that the sound of a desperate Iran being terrorized by Iranians? Looks like a job for America!

    1. Except for fifty thousand non-combat troops, who are to remain behind to shoot people and bomb things in a non-combat capacity.

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    posted by Giblets at 3:58 PM
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