Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Look, up in the sky! Just there over the mountains and under the clouds and behind the pulleys and levers they use to raise and lower the sun there's the shine of a plate and a flaky brown crust and the sweet smell of fresh fruit filling and could it be... could it be pie?

Now dogs are barkin and kids are pointin and grown men are fallin over in the street and the president is on the TV goin Hey now let's stay calm here people when he breaks down in tears on accounta he never really believed in pie before now an now there's little kids and granmas and popes and things lining up from all over in the streets to see the pie when it lands and one very old man, one very very old man like ninety or a hundred or a thousand years old and he hasn't seen a pie since he was real little watchin the very last pies leave on their boats and their ships and their magical space comets goin back to their mysterious mystical land of pie and the old man always thought he'd never live to see the pies come back even though he is a thousand or ten thousand or a billion years old and a single lonely tear rolls down his ancient wooden face even though his tear ducts have not worked since the signing of the Magna Carta (stupid Magna Carta) and are currently used as homes for a variety of small woodland creatures because he believes... he believes in pie.

And the pie is closer than ever now and we are believing in it harder than ever, believing in its power to be delicious and toothsome and just, to heal the sick and fix the lame and grow the short and shorten the tall and restore liquidity to the credit markets and make the world a kinder and gentler and better place where oh wait it's not a pie at all, it is an enraged bull walrus, how embarrassing! Dozens are mauled by its terrible, terrible tusks.

When it is over the survivors will limp away to their homes and their hospitals and their orphanages to cry their sad pieless tears and dream of a better, more pielike day to come. They gaze out of their windows at the faraway clouds, hoping of pies and thinking of pies and whittling little pie shapes out of their old crutches. But they know, deep down inside, that one day the pie will come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after tomorrow, or the week after that, but when it comes they will be there. It will probably be another walrus.

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posted by fafnir at 7:48 PM
Wednesday, November 5, 2008

As of last night, Barack Obama has now become for the first time in American history the very first African-American to be elected Jesus. Now everything will be better forever HOORAAAAAAY! Except if you're gay.

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posted by fafnir at 1:22 PM
Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Well it's sure been a whirlwind two-and-a-half years, but election day's already here! Before Campaign '08 finally wraps up let's stop and take a last look at the swing states we'll be hearin about all night long.

Population: 29 million
Big issues: gas prices, the economy, explosion reform
Major swing demographics: Joe the insurgent, Joe the government-employed death squad member, Joe the sad bandaged child with one remaining limb
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? maybe Nader

Population: 31 million
Big issues: the environment (curious rain of missiles and bullets, possibly linked to human activity)
Major swing demographics: poppy farmers, wedding survivors, Reagan Taliban
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? might write in Ron Paul

Population: 1.5 million
Big issues: housing shortage, bulldozer/tank surplus
Major swing demographics: refugee moms, internment camp dads
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? heard some good things about the Green Party

Population: 14 million
Big issues: food crisis, health crisis, general state of crisis
Major swing demographics: people with water, people with food, seniors (30 and up)
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? probably just gonna stay home again

Population: five million trillion trillion, give or take
Big issues: human-induced climate change, human-induced mass extinction, destroying all humans
Major swing demographics: bacteria, tree sloths, things that destroy humans
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? usually goes with Leviathan, beast of beasts and slayer of men, but red tide algae might tip it to McCain this year

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posted by fafnir at 2:59 PM
Monday, November 3, 2008

"Maybe global warming won't be so bad after all," says me. "Like maybe Bangladesh'll like bein underwater. If you think about it havin your country flooded is kinda like spendin every day at the beach!"
"Maybe it's a glass-half-full kinda thing," says Giblets. "Like scientists are always going on about how lots of people are gonna die from famine and disease. But you know what you never hear them talk about? How most of those people are complete strangers who probably suck."
"Maybe we'll just haveta make a coupla lifestyle adjustments," says me. "In the wintertime, put on an extra sweater. In the summer, take off your skin and breathe through a spare atmosphere."
"All we really need is some kind of simple technological solution," says Giblets, "like a garbage-powered weather machine or a synthetic source of God."
"See, that's a great idea!" says me. "You should get to work on that."
"Nah, Giblets is more of an 'idea man'," says Giblets pourin a tall frosty mug a coal. "Now that the concept's out there Giblets figures someone else'll work out the details."
"What an exciting time for science!" says me.


posted by fafnir at 6:29 PM
Sunday, November 2, 2008

FAFBLOG: First of all I want to say thank you, John McCain, for choosing to give your last major interview before the election right here on our little blog!
JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you, my friends. The honor is all mine.
FB: Now let's get right down to it. Why should you be president?
MCCAIN: One word, my friends: leadership. As a Navy pilot I was shot down over Vietnam, as a member of the United States Senate I was beaten by my captors for five and a half years, and as your president I will continue to courageously endure those beatings for America.
FB: Well you make a pretty convincing case, John McCain, but why shouldn't I vote for a president who has even more experience being tortured, like Congressman Sheikh Mohammed or Senator Jesus or that guy who gets his head exploded at the beginning of Scanners?
MCCAIN: Because I know the problems Americans are going through right now. The American people are angry, my friends. They're hurt. They've been beaten by their captors for five and a half years. And they need a leader who's willing to stop federal tax dollars from going to research harbor seal DNA.
FB: We might lose our jobs and we might lose our homes and we might have to sell our youngest, weakest children to black market organ scavengers for a cardboard box and a can of refried beans, but we'll always be safe in the knowledge that our taxes aren't going to further our understanding of marine biology.
MCCAIN: Oh, and that's just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Do you realize that federal earmarks last year directed literally thousands of your tax dollars to children's hospitals? Think about that now! Hospitals! For children!
FB: Now look John McCain, everybody wants to shut down children's hospitals, but how're you really gonna do it what with all the Washington gridlock and the Beltway infighting and the fatcat lobbyists from Big Children? I mean Ronald Reagan promised us he'd destroy the government and twenty years later we're still stuck with a functioning public sewage system.
MCCAIN: Look, my friends, I can do this. I know how to balance budgets. I know how to win wars. I've been pretending to do it for thirty-five years. And I know how to work across party lines to get things done. Has Barack Obama ever had a sweaty late-night three-way with Joe Lieberman and Trent Lott on the floor of the Senate cloakroom? Or was he too busy raising taxes for his friends in the radical African terrorist community to reach across the aisle?
FB: That's just the kind of mavericky bipartisan maverickness you used to pass sweeping reforms like the Candyland Preservation Act and McCain-Snuffleupagus! So how much will I personally save once you've gotten rid of all these earmarks?
MCCAIN: Literally thousands of thousandths of some fraction of a penny. But look, my friends: it's not about the money. It's about the principle. And the principle is that it's wrong, just wrong, to take money from the American taxpayer and spend it on something, unless that something is a series of massive, ever-expanding foreign wars.
FB: That's so true. It just burns me up inside when I think about how every dollar we're just throwing away on medicine for poor people could be spent on something truly valuable, like a hundred year war in Iraq.
MCCAIN: Now, now I want to be clear on something. I hate war, my friends. I hate war almost as much as I hate vigorously masturbating to it. But this war in Iraq is a necessary war. An honorable war. A war that's been beaten by its captors for five and a half years. And without it Saddam Hussein would be free even now to fly pretend airplanes into our fictional buildings with weapons of mass imagination.
FB: None of us will ever forget that day - that terrible, hypothetical day.
MCCAIN: And right now in Iraq we have a, a wonderful general there, General Petraeus. He's very courageous. He is very broad-shouldered. He was beaten by his captors for five and a half years. And when you get close to him, very close, there is the distinct aroma of fresh-baked pie. And, and the first thing we have to do is let General Petraeus finish the job of securing Iraq for the Iraqi people, a proud and united people, so that it doesn't fall into the hands of their enemies, the Iraqi people.
FB: Well that sounds good, John McCain, but how do we really get the Iraqis to stand up for themselves against the Iraqis?
MCCAIN: Oh, we already have, by arming the Iraqis to fight back against the Iraqis and make sure they can live in peace without fear of Iraqis. But if we don't stay and finish the job Iraq will fall to Iraqi influence, and we cannot allow that, my friends.
FB: See I used to be all confused about all this, but it just makes so much sense when I hear it from you! Now between half a million and a million Iraqis have been killed since the start of the war, in a country of twenty-nine million Iraqis. Do you feel kinda glass-half-full about it, like "hey look at all the Iraqis we got left!" Or is it kinda glass-half-empty, like "oh man, look at all the Iraqis we got left!"
MCCAIN: Oh, no, no. With time I believe we can eliminate the threat of Iraq within Iraq. The first thing we have to do in order to win is to win, which I believe we can accomplish through means of winning. And the second thing we have to do is cut taxes and pork-barrel spending. Let's not tax these dead Iraqis, my friends. Let's kill them again so they don't have to pay three million dollars for a planetarium in Chicago.
FB: Well I'm almost sold, John McCain, but Barack Obama says he's gonna make war cool again in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Why shouldn't I vote for him?
MCCAIN: Because I know war, my friends. I've lived with war. Slept with war. Fondled war. Has Barack Obama ever made sweet love to the outer casing of an intercontinental ballistic missile? Or was he too busy teaching kindergartners how to have sex with federal earmarks to show his support for our troops?
FB: Now there's some crazy people who say we should negotiate with other countries like Iran and Venezuela before we bomb them. Are these crazy people crazy?
MCCAIN: Absolutely. We cannot dignify these countries by meeting with them, because if we meet with them we give the world the impression that we are willing to meet with them, and that just makes our country look like the kind of country that meets with other countries. And where does that lead, my friends?
FB: Disaster, that's where! What if you're meetin with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an you go to shake Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's hand, an then he moves his hand up and goes "Up high!" and so you go to give him a high five but then he kinda swooshes his hand down an goes "Down low!" an so you go to catch his hand there but he moves his hand outta the way an goes "Too slow!" an then all the guys on the Security Council think he's cooler'n you! Man, you'd feel pretty stupid then.
MCCAIN: That's why talking to people is only justified as the option of last resort, after all killing-based alternatives have been exhausted.
FB: Okay John McCain, now it's time to play Bomb or Tax Cut! Get your buzzer ready!
MCCAIN: Okay, heh heh, here we go!
FB: Iran!
FB: Russia!
FB: Global warming!
FB: Guantanamo Bay!
MCCAIN: Tax cut.
FB: Health care!
MCCAIN: Bomb. No, no, tax cut, tax cut!
FB: Nuclear proliferation!
MCCAIN: Bomb and tax cut!
FB: The increasing irrelevance of the human soul in the face of global capitalism!
MCCAIN: Tax cuts for bombs!
FB: Now, we've got time for one last question. Any thoughts about Tuesday night?
MCCAIN: Bomb, bomb, bomb!
FB: No no, that parts over now! Different question!
MCCAIN: Oh, heh heh, I'm not too worried about election night. The polls are, are, they're tightening.
FB: I believe some of them certainly could be generously interpreted to that effect, yes!
MCCAIN: And in fact, heh, we're, we're going to win.
FB: Oh, ha ha, I'm sure you will! Keep thinking positive, John McCain!
MCCAIN: It will be a victorious landslide.
FB: Now that might be just a tad overconfident -
MCCAIN: We will fight this. Fight this to the gates of hell.
FB: Now rural Pennsylvania isn't the most exciting place in the world, but I don't know if I'd call it -
MCCAIN: And I will rescue America and, and take her for my demon bride.
FB: We really gotta go, John McCain.
MCCAIN: We shall reign for ten thousand years.

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posted by fafnir at 10:37 AM

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