Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Look, up in the sky! Just there over the mountains and under the clouds and behind the pulleys and levers they use to raise and lower the sun there's the shine of a plate and a flaky brown crust and the sweet smell of fresh fruit filling and could it be... could it be pie?

Now dogs are barkin and kids are pointin and grown men are fallin over in the street and the president is on the TV goin Hey now let's stay calm here people when he breaks down in tears on accounta he never really believed in pie before now an now there's little kids and granmas and popes and things lining up from all over in the streets to see the pie when it lands and one very old man, one very very old man like ninety or a hundred or a thousand years old and he hasn't seen a pie since he was real little watchin the very last pies leave on their boats and their ships and their magical space comets goin back to their mysterious mystical land of pie and the old man always thought he'd never live to see the pies come back even though he is a thousand or ten thousand or a billion years old and a single lonely tear rolls down his ancient wooden face even though his tear ducts have not worked since the signing of the Magna Carta (stupid Magna Carta) and are currently used as homes for a variety of small woodland creatures because he believes... he believes in pie.

And the pie is closer than ever now and we are believing in it harder than ever, believing in its power to be delicious and toothsome and just, to heal the sick and fix the lame and grow the short and shorten the tall and restore liquidity to the credit markets and make the world a kinder and gentler and better place where oh wait it's not a pie at all, it is an enraged bull walrus, how embarrassing! Dozens are mauled by its terrible, terrible tusks.

When it is over the survivors will limp away to their homes and their hospitals and their orphanages to cry their sad pieless tears and dream of a better, more pielike day to come. They gaze out of their windows at the faraway clouds, hoping of pies and thinking of pies and whittling little pie shapes out of their old crutches. But they know, deep down inside, that one day the pie will come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after tomorrow, or the week after that, but when it comes they will be there. It will probably be another walrus.

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posted by fafnir at 7:48 PM


... I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob
by Anonymous Anonymous, at November 12, 2008 11:10 PM
pi/4=1 - 1/3 + 1/5 - 1/7 + 1/9 - . . .
by Anonymous Anonymous, at November 12, 2008 11:13 PM
Is the Walrus stupid (stupid Walrus), evil, or just naturally expressing it's walrus-nature?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at November 12, 2008 11:19 PM
The walrus is just the walrus, anonymous. You can't blame it for that.
We were too good for you, America.
by Anonymous Beef and Corn Pie, at November 12, 2008 11:44 PM
I so missed Friday pie-blogging. I bet Okra Tofu Pie did also. He alone had to carry the Pie Torch! Which made his crust too well done! Sad! But now, we have more pie. Pie is love. Love in the form of cholesterol-raising, artery-clogging, buttery, flaky-crust goodness and economic stimulus filling!
by Anonymous lggbie, at November 12, 2008 11:48 PM
can i get a slice of that walrus? i only want a little sliver.
I do believe in pie.
I do believe in pie.
I do believe in pie.
And I do not believe in walrus. Walrus is a construct created by our elders to keep us all in line.
I never met a pie I din't like, but that walrus is pretty sly.
Keep your fork, America; there'll be pie!
by Anonymous Rizbon, at November 13, 2008 12:28 AM
Unless there's walrus.
I'm not sure if that's a real walrus, or the canned kind. If it is the canned kind, then I'm not eating any, on account of that walrus is so bulgy he must have come out of a bulging can. And you know what that means, America! The bulge that distinguishes the canned good from the canned not good.

Still, he does look pretty toothsome if you squint at him just right.
Engage in zen contemplation of the oneness of walrus pie.
Is Obama the pie in this elaborate meta-pie-phor? Or the walrus?

Or BOTH???

(sinister mysterious moosik)
Pie is a concept by which we measure our pain,
(said the Walrus)
I'll say it again...
Who among us does not bear the emotional scars of a horrible gouging by the tusks of a walrus that we were sure, so very sure, was the pie we had been waiting for?


OK, me neither.
Broken in my heart as I am, because I too longed for fresh, warm pie, and broken now in body because I trusted the walrus to be gentle this time, and use lube and a condom; still, sad and broken I love Fafnir, because Fafnir can face the facts that happened, the facts that shouldn't have happened and the facts that aren't really facts at all and make us a wonderful story that raises the heart and soothes the body's pain. I love Fafnir. He's so gentle with me he doesn't need to use lube, just some warm fresh pie juices and a story and I'm happy all over, all over again.

(PS: Giblets! Medium Lobster! I love you guys too, and your stories, and your pie juices! Please be gentle guys, OK? No condoms even, just warm pie juices and stories and love. OK?)
by Anonymous Phillip Allen, at November 13, 2008 4:20 PM
by Anonymous Anonymous, at November 13, 2008 7:36 PM
Nunc dimittis servum tuum, Domine...

Augh! Walrus!!!!
by Anonymous Simeon the Aged, at November 13, 2008 9:20 PM
I don't believe in pie in the sky so God help me if Homeland Security ever finds out and really, I just don't fit in here in American anyway and will be leaving as soon as I strike it rich in the goldfields or the stock market.
by Anonymous rapier, at November 13, 2008 9:45 PM
The time has come the walrus said,
to talk of many things:
Of pies and pies and yummy pies,
of cabbage pie and things (like pie).
And why the pie is boiling hot,
and whether pies have wings.
I doubt it, said the carpenter, and shed a bitter tear.
As Obama voters continued to park their carts in the middle of the supermarket aisle and cut me off in traffic.
Hold hearty! - there is a little pie in everything, including in every walrus.

Unfortunately, due to increasingly lax food safety standards, there is a little walrus in every pie. But he's just a little walrus and no danger to anyone except as a choking hazard, you paranoid wusses.

I can't take another walrus! We are the pie we've been waiting for! Get out your rolling pins!
Can't you see that the Onepie has examined you and found you wanting so sent the Walrus of Eternal Sharp Poking?
It's there in the scripture, my friends, "Good hearts make good pies, especially if they are slow cooked in white wine and juniper berries"
You must turn from ways of badness to ways of goodness and not accidentally finding internet porn sites.
by Anonymous Pied piper, at November 14, 2008 3:49 AM
Fafblog is porn for some mixed-up part of me. I love you THIS MUCH!!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at November 14, 2008 6:51 AM
Can I blame the walrus for bein a pie mirage, in my limited perception?
OMG! It's Friday, and there's pie.

Praise be...
by Anonymous in for the long count, at November 14, 2008 6:06 PM
I want to believe....
Okra Tofu Pie think Walrus most misunderstood pie of all, and that come from one pretty misunderstood pie.

Okra Totu Pie not understand one word Walrus say, for example, cause his huge Walrus tusks give Walrus horrible speech impediment and that make Walrus shy around people Walrus not know so it make Walrus mumble which frankly doesn't help when you already have horrible tusky speech impediment.

All Okra Tofu Pie say is that maybe everyone so quick to run screamin from Walrus should try flopping onto a ice floe with his flippers for awhile before you go an start judgin Walrus.
Okra Tofu, you so fine!

Still, I'm a join' Lobsters Anonymous tonights. An none too soon.

We all need a new paradigm, or at least a Freddy el Desfibradddoro, cause

walruses and obama husseins, who's gonna keep account o' all a dis?
by Anonymous oh yeah, at November 14, 2008 8:08 PM
I yearn for the pie!
Okra Tofu Pie! You're the best. If there's anyone who can empathize with those gored by a walrus or set on fire by enraged natives, it's you!

Your gentle words will resonate in my heart forever. (But excuse me while I run screaming without judgment from those pie-mirage tusks.)
by Anonymous frisbeedog, at November 15, 2008 9:16 PM
Your tears seem more bitter than they did in the ancien regime, and less rose-tinted with laughter. I hope you are okay.
No one need worry about Okra Tofu Pie - Okra Tofu Pie is survivor.

Okra Tofu Pie survived talk with Walrus, for instance. Okra Tofu Pie just been busy around the bog in which Okra Tofu Pie been ensconced since the Recent Past Unpleasantness Concerning The Gila Monster, of which about the less said the better.
After 8 years of GWBush, alcoholism, and depression, I no longer believe in pie. If there were pie, it would be very very chocolaty and would just feed the chocolate habit that has succeeded my alcohol addiction. No, I will face the walrus!
in not sceered
i has a fork
'n a bucket
You eat pie until the part of your brain that yearns for pie is destroyed. Fact.
haha. i like the photo!!!
Barack is the One.
I Am the Walrus.
Hear me Roar.

Can Faf interview Joe Lieberman and the bipartisan Dems that have agreed to seat him as head of the Senate's Homeland Security Committee?

Durbin looks happy to be standing alongside Joe at his DoHS presser.

Can't we all agree upon warrentless wiretaps?
That's why the folks at Weikel Foods took the good tasting gloppy glop in the middle of the pie and put it in a bottle -- for those long walrus winters! All you have to do is pour 93.75 gallons of the gloppy glop into a giant vat and using your Fluko High-Shear dispersing emulsifier, mix it together with 2,000 eggs and agitate the mixture until evenly distributed. Pour 2 cups of mixture into a defrosted Pillsbury® Pet-Ritz® Pie Crust, bake it for 35 minutes at 350° and bingo! Your favorite pie recipe will taste just like homemade! With tender, flaky crust too! Makes 1,000 delicious pies for you and your family!
It was Lewis Carroll (not his real name) who wrote

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

It was Queen Latifah (not her real name) who narrated the 2007 movie Arctic Tale. It's really very interesting once you get over the fact that there is NO singing or dancing in this movie. At all. "Two narratives -- the life cycle of a mother walrus and her calf, and the life of a polar bear and her cubs -- are used to illustrate the harsh realities of existence in the Arctic." Get the DVD, with its bonus features. You will never look at walruses the same way again. (The reality of polar bear life is pretty much what you think, though.)

It was The Walrus Foundation, a registered non-profit charitable foundation, which launched The Walrus magazine in September of 2003 with a straightforward mandate: to be a Canadian general-interest magazine with an international outlook. They are committed to publishing the best work by the best writers from Canada and elsewhere on a wide range of topics for readers who are curious about the world. The most awarded magazine in Canada, it was named Magazine of the Year at the National Magazine Awards in June 2007. The Walrus is a monthly publication of ideas, sophistication, and wit, and a place where readers, writers, and artists meet.

[Kind of like Fafblog, in the good old days.]

The December 2008 issue has an article on mincemeat pie, with photographs of mid-twentieth century recipe cards. "Mincemeat Pie: Your mother’s mincemeat recipe is all wrong." by Jared Bland, Danielle Groen & Brian Morgan.

Now, my body, my life, old age and death are all "me." Therefore, if it is good for me to believe that living is good, then it is also good for me to believe death is good, and it is also good for me to believe a walrus is good.
Meh. Let them eat cake.
by Anonymous alansmithee, at November 21, 2008 6:17 PM
Ah, well, you walrus hurt the ones you love...
by Anonymous MR Bill, at November 24, 2008 5:15 PM
Walrus pie! Nobody has thought of that by golly. I bet Nanook could whip one up.
by Anonymous rapier, at November 24, 2008 5:53 PM
Better luck, next pie.

My "Word Verification" was "subjerc"
HEY! I came here looking for a pithy story about the guys shooting each other in a Toy Store whilst shopping for Christmas gifts for the little ones!

If THAT doesn't provoke a Fafblog story we are all doomed.
Magical space comets..

Well, if that doesn't exemplify the Christmas season, then what does?
by Anonymous gone shopping, at November 29, 2008 11:06 PM

As they say, life imitates art -tragedy becomes farce, and perhaps vice versa - see the movie Jingle All the Way (1996) - featured actors and their character names include:

Arnold Schwarzenegger ... Howard Langston

Sinbad ... Myron Larabee

Phil Hartman ... Ted Maltin

Rita Wilson ... Liz Langston
Robert Conrad ... Officer Hummell
Martin Mull ... D.J.
Jake Lloyd ... Jamie Langston

James Belushi ... Mall Santa
E.J. De La Pena ... Johnny (as E.J. de la Pena)

Laraine Newman ... First Lady
Justin Chapman ... Billy

Harvey Korman ... President

For pure tragifarcedy, see the story of Phil Hartman's last day - start at Wikipedia.
"But they know, deep down inside, that one day the pie will come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after tomorrow, or the week after that, but when it comes they will be there. It will probably be another walrus." --Fafnir

Well, is it going to be a walrus sometime this month or maybe next year? I remember somebody making a very true and powerful and simple post about how MONTHLY POSTING IS NO WAY TO RUN A BLOG unless you are really just running some kind of sociological experiment to see what your readers say at varying intervals between posts of content varying from table scraps to pie.

by Anonymous Anonymous, at December 04, 2008 9:28 AM
@ anonymous

Fafblog is among my very favorite blogs, yet I wouldn't describe it as "running", exactly - "sitting around in the waiting room" or "waiting around in the sitting room" is more like it

after a while you get used to it

if i don't quote myself, who will?
if i quote only myself, what am i?
if not now, when?

when? well, it was may 13, 2004 when the first post at my eponymous blog included the lines

something good happen
maybe soon
maybe next week
maybe next June

Mistah Charley, Ph.D. said:

"something good happen
maybe soon
maybe next week
maybe next June

Second Verse:

something good happen
never know
maybe could rain
maybe could snow
This is the best blog ever, absolutely.

If laughter were dollars, then
fafnir and friends would surely make us all millionaires, indeed.

Now, if only there was some mince pie, here somewhere...
by Anonymous joy to the world, at December 06, 2008 9:18 PM
whoa there Sexy, you're getting me excited!
thepuppethead said...

Mistah Charley, Ph.D. said:

"something good happen
maybe soon
maybe next week
maybe next June"

Second Verse:

something good happen
never know
maybe could rain
maybe could snow

Third Verse

something good happen
not say nay
maybe could be
maybe today
by Anonymous bodiciah t rentlord III, at December 07, 2008 11:39 PM
smile at your neighbor
smile at the sky
life is a blessing
why ask why

energy moving your
flesh and bones
this is your life
this is your home

don't use a weapon
let go of strife
enjoy yourself
it a great life
pie and walrus.. what's that for? hmmm...


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