Tuesday, April 15, 2008

It's time for another edition of BARACK OBAMA: THE FINAL THROES! Last week Giblets revealed the dangerous levels of pussification inherent in Obama's bowling skills and orange juice consumption while exploring the damage done by persistent rumors that the senator is secretly black. But this latest scandal has doomed the Obama campaign more than any dooming doom that has doomed it before, because this time Obama has Insulted America by saying that poor people in impoverished rural areas are somehow "bitter" about being poor and impoverished. For shame!

Well Giblets knows the real Americans of the heartland, Barack Obama. He has flown over them and driven past them and grimaced amiably in their direction on the way to hotel rooms on numerous occasions, and in that time he has come to appreciate their primitive yet unique culture. These salt-of-the-earth folk don't need your condescending liberal elitism to tell them how they feel! They need Giblets's condescending conservative elitism to tell them how they feel! These people aren't "bitter." Far from it! America's impoverished working class are a chipper and cheerful lot, prancing and scampering about their foreclosed homes and crumbling industrial sectors with a spirit of adorable pluckiness, smiling and laughing through their unemployment and their black lung disease like a pack of hardscrabble leprechauns!1 And Giblets is sure they are outraged to hear Barack Obama imply otherwise - just as he is sure they are even outraged-er to hear Obama scorn their honest midwestern folkways, mocking the simple beauty of their long, proud tradition of recreational possum-killing and their homey, heartfelt gay-bashing! Well Giblets has a long if purely theoretical love of our nation's yahoo population and their mysterious ways, and would be proud to join them himself were he not so busy wiping their hideous yokel-germs off him with copious quantities of hand sanitizer.

That's why Giblets is so certain this final crippling blow to the Obama candidacy will be the finalest and most crippling of them all! By implying that the economic immiseration of America's rural underclass has made them somehow unhappy, Obama has alienated America's heartland! "Oh but Giblets how can you tell, the polls don't seem to have changed much" you say because you are stupid and elitist and hate the hard-working people of the American plains. Giblets doesn't need to wait for "polls" or "data" or "actual facts" when he has the sound judgment of real authentic heartland folk like Chris Matthews and George Will and Hillary Clinton!2 In fact Giblets will go so far as to predict right now that if Obama doesn't win Pennsylvania by fifty points next week it will be entirely because of this. Or the bowling thing, or the scary black pastor. Or Giblets's constant feverish attempts to make this stuff matter more to voters than the fact that they're stupidly poor. It shouldn't be that hard to do, Giblets hears these people are pretty bitter.

1. Oh the many hours Giblets has whiled away admiring this celebration of the American work ethic, watching the high-spirited children of the heartland cavort and caper for simple trinkets like food and prescription medication!

2. When you've lost Hillary Clinton you've lost America! Specifically, America's earthy population of multimillionaire former Wal-Mart executives turned nepotistic senators-for-life.

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posted by Giblets at 7:08 PM

When the Mainstream Media and the Establishment Press and the Corporate Zombie News Octopus ignore the real story, there's only one independent source you can trust - and that source is Giblets! Behold the power of Giblets World News Update!

ITEM! Last week George Bush said for the first time that he personally approved the torture of prisoners held in U.S. custody. And right now there's only one question on everybody's mind: who does this help in the Democratic primary! The conventional wisdom is that presidential super-torture powers are sure to help Hillary Clinton, the one candidate Americans trust to waterboard Muslims at 3 AM. But it's also a big opportunity for Obama to make up lost ground by striking a tough, muscular pro-torture stance to counteract the dangerous pussification of his girly bowling abilities! Stay tuned, readers!

ITEM! One of the world's leading climatologists says that the targets for CO2 reduction set by the IPCC are far too high to stop global warming. According to James Hansen, at the current target of 450 ppm polar ice would eventually melt entirely, raising sea levels by 75 meters and radically transforming the planet. But would all this happen fast enough to save Obama by turning voters' attentions from the devastating "Bittergate" scandal, or will the destruction of the coasts merely cede the nomination to Clinton by leaving Obama with nothing to work with but Hillary's natural constituency of embittered midwestern gun-toting god-freaks? Giblets World News will have more on this breaking story as it develops!

ITEM! Massive food riots are erupting across the globe in response to skyrocketing grain prices brought on by global warming, declining oil supplies and a glut of biofuel subsidies. Experts warn that unless policies change drastically, we could face a level of chaos that has been described as "apocalyptic" - which would be great news for the McCain campaign, since the end of the world would allow him to really mobilize his base of poison-breathing flesh zombies. But can Obama make inroads into McCain's demographics by "reaching across the aisle" to pick up the traditionally-Republican radioactive vampire vote?

ITEM! Namby-pamby so-called "media-critics" have been whining and moaning about how non-stop election coverage has "squeezed out real news" and made Americans "even dumber and more uninformed than usual." Giblets doesn't know what they're talking about, but then he is one of the smart people who reads the news all the time and knows everything anyway and is insulated from the creeping endumbification of the masses. But if this is true it raises some important and sobering questions about politics and the media. Like how will this play in Pennsylvania! Will twenty-four-hour supersaturated campaign coverage give Hillary the edge, or will an inanely debased discourse bump Obama up a couple points? Giblets needs to know, and he needs to know now! Get me a SUSA poll! Get me tracking numbers! Giblets needs county-by-county breakdowns and pre-debate roundtables and post-debate roundtables and meta-spin analysis and colored charts - dozens upon dozens of bright colored charts! This story's going to be big, people, Giblets can just feel it - and he's going to stick with it for as long as necessary.

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posted by Giblets at 4:43 PM
Tuesday, April 8, 2008

So for the last five years all the liberals and the hippies and the nattering nabobs of normalcy have been coming up to Giblets and going "Was the war a mistake Giblets?" and "Are we losing the war Giblets?" and "Oh look at all the dead people Giblets, maybe we should stop the war." And the correct answers to these questions have been "Shut up," "Shut up you traitor," and "We'd be winning already if you'd just shut up." But Giblets is a patient Giblets and is willing to entertain even the most tedious requests of his dullest subjects, especially if it gets him published columns in Slate and The New York Times. So was Giblets really wrong? Was the war a mistake? Were we right to blow up the moon?

Oh sure, it's easy to look back now with our twenty-twenty hindsight and our armchair quarterbacking and whine and moan about how it all went wrong. But what about the case for blowing up the moon at the time? For literally dozens of years the moon had menaced Western Civilization with its eclipses and its werewolf hordes and its sinister seduction of our seas, all the while dangling its massive stony bulk above us with nothing but universal gravitation standing between the free world and a cold and moony end! Oh, the usual crowd of peaceniks and anti-kill killjoys would have had America stand idly by and do nothing, leaving frightened children and Brookings scholars to tremble under their beds at night while our nation's nocturnal nemesis threatened once again to plunge from the heavens and squish us all, but 9/11 taught us that we can't wait for danger to become dangerous before we pre-re-endanger it back! And by defeating the moon America would ensure not only its own security, but the destruction of al Qaeda's deadly space laser, the liberation of the moon men from the terrible tyranny of the Crater King, and the second coming of Astro-Jesus!

Of course by now everybody thinks they're an expert on every little accident that's happened in the moon war. Oh, we didn't send enough troops, oh, we didn't plan for the aftermath, oh, the explosions launched millions of tons of radioactive moon rock into the atmosphere and killed hundreds of thousands of people. Well, boo hoo hoo! Nobody said this war was gonna be perfect.1 It's true, if Giblets had to blow up the moon all over again he would have made some changes, like firing Donald Rumsfeld and putting more boots on the ground and getting more international support.2 But would he oppose the moon war altogether? Well that's the kinda crazy talk we were only hearing from namby-pamby pot-smoking puppet-wielding moon hippies like Al Gore and Zbigniew Brzezinski and their Stalinist fellow travelers at International ANSWER!3 And what was their solution to the rapidly growing moon crisis? Nothing but peace songs and patchouli smell and nothing!

The point is, we saw a problem and we dealt with it. Did the problem actually exist? Who knows! Did our solution end up killing lots of people who'd otherwise be alive? Who can say! We could spend all day long pointing fingers and arguing over who slaughtered millions of what, but where will that get us?4 And while all the negative nancies are squabbling over who genocided who, Giblets and the rest of America have a war to win. There's still a lot of the moon left to blow up, people - and now it's even more dangerous than ever, because it's been raining this deadly shower of moon rocks down on us ever since some crazy bastards started blowing it up! It's time to stop this pointless bickering over who was "right" and "wrong" and get back to fighting the war we started back when we were obviously wrong. And then we can move on to the real threat by invading the sun.

1. With the possible exception of Giblets, in his February 23, 2003 Washington Post op-ed, "This War Is Going To Be Perfect."

2. Because when you blow stuff up and kill people it's important that you blow stuff up and kill people in a way that maintains international respect and legitimacy for future blow-stuff-uppery and people-killing.

3. Giblets is on to you, ANSWER! Oh sure, you say you're just opposed to pointless and criminal wars, but Giblets knows it's all part of your sinister socialist scheme to free Mumia!

4. Other than a war crimes tribunal. Which would only weaken us in the war by emboldening future war crimes tribunals!

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posted by Giblets at 11:37 AM
Thursday, April 3, 2008

Special multiple choice edition. Check all that apply!

  • Nothing less will stop the monster in the closet from allying with the boogeyman under the bed to form a sinister new Axis of Spooky
  • To gently massage foreign dictatorships into stable liberal democracies through the subtle and delicate eastern art of acubombing
  • All the older presidents an senators were all hangin out in the boys room an lookin cool an smokin cigarettes an passin around faulty pre-war intelligence an we just hadda invade
  • In solemn memory of that hypothetically terrible day when Saddam Hussein sent pretend terrorists to attack fictional buildings with weapons of mass imagination
  • We dared them, and then they double-dared us, and then we triple-dog-dared them, and if we say uncle now all the mullahs'll know we're chicken!
  • You wanna be president, you gotta pop at least one third-world country before you're parta the gang
  • If we stopped randomly blowing people up now, someone might think something's wrong with us.


  • posted by fafnir at 9:57 AM
    Tuesday, April 1, 2008

    "Screw this dump!" says Giblets. "This universe is old and fat and smells like smelling and Giblets is busting out!"
    "Should we go over the wall or take the tunnel?" says me. I been diggin a tunnel.
    "Nuts to the tunnel!" says Giblets. "What we do is we make like we're sick. Then when God comes in to check on us we punch im in the liver an run out the door!"
    "They'll be on the lookout so we're gonna need disguises if we wanna make it the resta the way," says me. "If we bop Europe an Australia on the head we can sneak out in their continent costumes!"
    "Then it's only three hundred eighty thousand miles to the moon. We can swim for it!" says Giblets. "Giblets's crater friends can smuggle us to the border from there."
    "We'll haveta travel undercover if we wanna stay aheada the law," says me. "By the time we reach the checkpoint I'll be Henri DuMarche, international financier, socialite and diamond thief, an you can be NGC 5024, a mild-mannered globular cluster."
    "The guards will suspect nothing!" says Giblets. "At least not til a stray gust of wind dislodges our fake plastic mustaches at the last minute and blows our cover in fronta the feds."
    "That's when they'll hit the alarm an call the cops an the marines an Jesus an Batman an everybody," says me. "They'll be parked on the border in their uparmored emergency defense nukes givin us one last chance to surrender before they preemptively retaliate against our potential refusal to surrender."
    "But we'll just fire up our '67 T-Bird and head for the barricades yelling 'come and get us copper'!" says Giblets.
    "Which is when they will get us," says me. "With their many, many guns and bullets."
    "The bullets will hit us in slow motion from many different camera angles to the sound of a grinding guitar solo to indicate that we are bad bad dudes who lived a bad bad life," says Giblets.
    "But not so bad it can't be replayed in our last moments in the form of a tastefully-edited montage of our most poignant flashbacks," says me.
    "Giblets will regret nothing!" says Giblets. "Except for the getting killed part, that was real stupid."
    "They'll bury us in a special live TV press conference with senators an popes an the President of Space," says me. "And there'll be cake an music an dancin bears an a crack team a animatronic talkin news generals to tell everybody about this bold new victory in the War on Us!"
    "It's true," says Giblets. "We were a menace to our freedom and had to be stopped before we could threaten us again."
    "But there could be even more of us out there right now, doin things an being stuff!" says me. "And none of us can sleep at night till all of us have been brought to justice."
    "The army and the FBI and the space police will explain it all in loud slow voices over our tastefully-laminated corpses so the world can understand the dire threat it poses to the world," says Giblets.
    "Which is when they'll notice those aren't our corpses at all," says me, "but clever papier-mache dummy corpses we got to escape for us back when we took the tunnel."
    "Huzzah for the tunnel!" says Giblets. "It was Giblets's finest hour!"
    "While the cops're distracted we'll sneak out with a coupla billion of our closest friends an punch out the sun in the guard tower," says me. "Then we can go back an bust the rest out an topple the ancien régime!"
    "The triumphant cry of revolution will call out through the streets: Vive Fáfnir! Vive Gibléts!" says Giblets. "Radical Fafbloggists will demand a new era of Fafno-Gibletsian rule over the cosmos, and none will be able to stand in their way!"
    "At least till they figure out we're not there," says me, "'cause we'll already have slipped out the back door into the new universe."
    "But will it be any better than the old universe?" says Giblets.
    "Well it can't be any worse," says me.


    posted by fafnir at 12:21 AM

    You totally blinked.
    posted by fafnir at 12:01 AM

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