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Tuesday, April 8, 2008
So for the last five years all the liberals and the hippies and the nattering nabobs of normalcy have been coming up to Giblets and going "Was the war a mistake Giblets?" and "Are we losing the war Giblets?" and "Oh look at all the dead people Giblets, maybe we should stop the war." And the correct answers to these questions have been "Shut up," "Shut up you traitor," and "We'd be winning already if you'd just shut up." But Giblets is a patient Giblets and is willing to entertain even the most tedious requests of his dullest subjects, especially if it gets him published columns in Slate and The New York Times. So was Giblets really wrong? Was the war a mistake? Were we right to blow up the moon?
Oh sure, it's easy to look back now with our twenty-twenty hindsight and our armchair quarterbacking and whine and moan about how it all went wrong. But what about the case for blowing up the moon at the time? For literally dozens of years the moon had menaced Western Civilization with its eclipses and its werewolf hordes and its sinister seduction of our seas, all the while dangling its massive stony bulk above us with nothing but universal gravitation standing between the free world and a cold and moony end! Oh, the usual crowd of peaceniks and anti-kill killjoys would have had America stand idly by and do nothing, leaving frightened children and Brookings scholars to tremble under their beds at night while our nation's nocturnal nemesis threatened once again to plunge from the heavens and squish us all, but 9/11 taught us that we can't wait for danger to become dangerous before we pre-re-endanger it back! And by defeating the moon America would ensure not only its own security, but the destruction of al Qaeda's deadly space laser, the liberation of the moon men from the terrible tyranny of the Crater King, and the second coming of Astro-Jesus! Of course by now everybody thinks they're an expert on every little accident that's happened in the moon war. Oh, we didn't send enough troops, oh, we didn't plan for the aftermath, oh, the explosions launched millions of tons of radioactive moon rock into the atmosphere and killed hundreds of thousands of people. Well, boo hoo hoo! Nobody said this war was gonna be perfect.1 It's true, if Giblets had to blow up the moon all over again he would have made some changes, like firing Donald Rumsfeld and putting more boots on the ground and getting more international support.2 But would he oppose the moon war altogether? Well that's the kinda crazy talk we were only hearing from namby-pamby pot-smoking puppet-wielding moon hippies like Al Gore and Zbigniew Brzezinski and their Stalinist fellow travelers at International ANSWER!3 And what was their solution to the rapidly growing moon crisis? Nothing but peace songs and patchouli smell and nothing! The point is, we saw a problem and we dealt with it. Did the problem actually exist? Who knows! Did our solution end up killing lots of people who'd otherwise be alive? Who can say! We could spend all day long pointing fingers and arguing over who slaughtered millions of what, but where will that get us?4 And while all the negative nancies are squabbling over who genocided who, Giblets and the rest of America have a war to win. There's still a lot of the moon left to blow up, people - and now it's even more dangerous than ever, because it's been raining this deadly shower of moon rocks down on us ever since some crazy bastards started blowing it up! It's time to stop this pointless bickering over who was "right" and "wrong" and get back to fighting the war we started back when we were obviously wrong. And then we can move on to the real threat by invading the sun. 1. With the possible exception of Giblets, in his February 23, 2003 Washington Post op-ed, "This War Is Going To Be Perfect." 2. Because when you blow stuff up and kill people it's important that you blow stuff up and kill people in a way that maintains international respect and legitimacy for future blow-stuff-uppery and people-killing. 3. Giblets is on to you, ANSWER! Oh sure, you say you're just opposed to pointless and criminal wars, but Giblets knows it's all part of your sinister socialist scheme to free Mumia! 4. Other than a war crimes tribunal. Which would only weaken us in the war by emboldening future war crimes tribunals! Labels: everybody loves a winner, reductio creep, warnography
posted by Giblets at 11:37 AM
by
 , at April 08, 2008 2:58 PM
just because something was wrong doesn't mean we shouldn't have done it. so long as we were wrong for the right reasons. alls that's left for we who were wrong is to maintain a strong united front against those who were right for the wrong reasons. they, really, are the silliest bunch of all.
by
, at April 08, 2008 3:07 PM
I'm clicking on the "about Giblets" link and nothing's happening. What could this mean? This brings up ontological questions that I'd rather not deal with right now. I just barely got over finding out about the Easter Bunny as it is.
Silence! You will know About Giblets soon enough! For now you will bask in the glory of his unreconstructed neoliberalism.
Bask, I say! Bask NOOOOOOWWWWWW!
by
, at April 08, 2008 3:37 PM
The sun has been looking kinda funny. Kinda suspicious. I think its gone mental. Once, I was just minding my own business, right? And...it just burned me! Like I was some kinda medium lobster. Now, its trying to dictate our sleep/wake cycles...I thought we were past all that once we blew up the moon...
Its true what they say. "Real men go to Helios".
Ever since the dang cheese mines got shut down on account of being blown up by moon bombs I am having a really hard time a finding good Vieux Boulogne, which has made my last few fondue parties decidedly less festive.
It's all very well and good to bask, but just try spreading some 'glory-of-unreconstructed-neoliberalism' on a rye crisp... might as well just shoot anchovy paste right up your nose. Also, Giblets looks taller.
The History of the Great American MoonPie
The Chattanooga Bakery was founded in the early 1900's as a subsidiary of the Mountain City Flour Mill in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The bakery's original purpose was to use the excess flour produced by the mill. By 1910, the bakery offered over 200 different confectionery items. In 1917, the bakery developed a product which is still known as the MoonPie. The exact history of how the MoonPie was invented was never documented by the Chattanooga Bakery, but one historian, Ronald Dickson of Charlotte, North Carolina, believes he found the "missing link." In his book, "The Great American MoonPie Handbook", Mr. Dickson had written of the MoonPie's® lost history. Not long after his book was published, he received a telephone call from Earl Mitchell, Jr., identifying his deceased father, Earl Mitchell, Sr., as the person responsible for the invention of the MoonPie®. Mr. Mitchell’s story goes like this ... Early in the 1900s, while servicing his territory of Kentucky, Tennessee and West Virginia, Mr. Mitchell was visiting a company store that catered to the coal miners. He asked them what they might enjoy as a snack. The miners said they wanted something for their lunch pails. It had to be solid and filling. “About how big?,!” Mr. Mitchell asked. Well about that time the moon was rising, so a miner held out his big hands, framing the moon and said, “About that big!” So, with that in mind, Mr. Mitchell headed back to the bakery with an idea. Upon his return he noticed some of the workers dipping graham cookies into marshmallow and laying them on the window sill to harden. So they added another cookie and a generous coating of chocolate and sent them back for the workers to try. In fact, they sent MoonPie® samples around with their other salespeople, too. The response they got back was so enormous that the MoonPie® became a regular item for the bakery. By the late 1950's, the MoonPie® had grown in popularity, so much that the bakery did not have the resources available to produce anything else. The phrase "RC Cola and a MoonPie®" became well known around the South, as many people enjoyed this delicious, bargain-priced combination.
tut tut giblets, it's "who genocided whom", not "who genocided who".
i'm telling william safire on you.
by
, at April 08, 2008 5:01 PM
Short sighted fools. Still futzing around with the moon when the real threat is obviously mars! The moon is so 2007. The Mars Mullahs are plotting as we speak and you weak knee moonbats are singing kumbaya as you sink into a morass of the past.
When we're all speaking Martian, you'll rue the day. RUE I say!
The Queen of the Sun is going to have a cow that you said that! An send troops to the moon now too, just you wait and see.
by
, at April 08, 2008 6:42 PM
Jupiter ain't got a song but the moon does. Or, it did.
Giblets, I for one welcome our new moonless existence. In solidarity with the War on Non-Earthly Spheres, and in loving devotion to Giblets, we have formed a new facebook group.
Loyal servants of Giblets on facebook, come join us! Soon we will have enough forces to accomplish mission Blow-Up-Moon, or at least have a nice picnic. With a softball game. We have cunningly entitled our group "fafblog".
by
, at April 09, 2008 12:08 AM
The war was wrong and illegal. Let's do something about it: SEE VIDEO and Help the antiwar efforts of Tomas Young and others
Promoting this film helps the antiwar movement. I interviewed Phil Donahue in this Representative Press Video, please help amplify his efforts and my efforts, get this video to others. It is important that good crowds show up at the theaters. WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9 the movie is showing in NY and Donahue and the co-director will be there. Spread the word. See VIDEO: See Body of War, Hear Body of War * Part 2 I want Phil Donahue's appearance in my video to have been productive so I am really trying to get this video maximum exposure.
Turns out I was one of those who were right!
But only because I just got Lasik on my 20/20 hindsight. Immediately thereafter, I realized, in retrospect, I shouldn't've--sitting on my hinder stung for days! Not as bad as the time I mooned the sun, but close. I told me so, Capt. Twelve A.M. Midnight, E.S.T., C.E.
by
, at April 09, 2008 2:57 AM
by
, at April 09, 2008 9:12 AM
See this, for example. Fafnir and Giblets have never talked the same way.
Hitchens is Giblets?
No, Hitchens is a *parody* of Giblets. And a rather heavy-handed, tastless parody, if you ask me.
by
, at April 09, 2008 11:43 AM
I'm having trouble sorting out this bask vs. bow business. Has basking replaced bowing? Or do we bow first, then bask? Or the other way around? Is there a different procedure for Orthodox and Reform Gibletarians?
by
, at April 09, 2008 12:04 PM
by
, at April 09, 2008 12:33 PM
The moon was clearly a failed planet that needed to be taught a lesson so that other failed items in our galaxy (I'm looking at you Jupiter and you asteroid belt)would know there correct place in the reality Giblets has created.
by
, at April 09, 2008 1:33 PM
And I thought the holes in my roof were from the radioactive termites! And all the while it was just moon debris, though I don't want to minimize the termite problem. Those suckers are tough, you need a flamethrower to take 'em out, and then they explode in their death agony.
by
, at April 09, 2008 10:01 PM
Dear Sir,
I'm not too good at the basking, but I'm pretty good at lolling (not to be confused with LOLing) is that permissible? Also, please share your thoughts on lounging around. Sncrly Yrs, Yt Mhjbfu
by
, at April 09, 2008 11:52 PM
Actually, it's inertia, not universal gravitation, that's "standing between the free world and a cold and moony end!" Gravitation is secretly working on the side of the terrorists.
"...might as well might as well just shoot anchovy paste right up your nose."
Thanks for the suggestion, puppethead. It's yummy! And the migraine afterward is nothing compared to those I got when I was using wasabi.
fafblog: We missed you. We tried to hit you and we missed you. Thanks for coming back. We will try to hit you again.
Speaking of Astro Jesus... ++++
by
, at April 10, 2008 3:52 PM
while our nation's nocturnal nemesis threatened once again to plunge
Would that constitute a nocturnal emission?
Liberals fail to mention the schools we've painted with the moon dust that has fallen from the sky. Or the fact that by blowing up the moon there are no more tides so now terrorists can't use the movies Point Break or Blue Crush against us. They are obviously very unserious people.
monte davis, you are welcome. the puppet head is here to help you and all the other peoples of the world with your nasoculinary needs.
Also, Alas, poor Charlton! We knew him well. Heston makes entrance Pearly Gates sound a warning Peter dons a glove
you want scary? i'll give you scary. just don't say i didn't warn you first though.
rumours are a-swirlin' that miz katie is a-gonna leave the cbs news. kathie lee gifford has just joined the today show's 4th hour. this time next year will both miz katie & kathie lee be united as one unstoppable force of evil?
by
, at April 11, 2008 9:26 AM
by
, at April 11, 2008 9:40 AM
Hey hey hey -- it's FRIDAY? Where's our PIE!?
Ummmm, just wonderin'. Well, and a little hungry too (but you can hold the Great White, thanks -- had my seafood for the week).
by
, at April 11, 2008 4:51 PM
I think where we went wrong is assuming that the moon men would be responsible and adult enough to welcome their utter annihilation with space flowers and moon pies. As always, if we erred, it was only in being too generous to the childlike, yet monstrously evil, moon men. We freely gave them our very best bombs and the miracles of a hundred plus years of military science, and yet they still won't take a moment between gasping their last breaths to say two simple words: thank you.
by
, at April 12, 2008 5:31 AM
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, at April 14, 2008 10:49 AM
Let me tell you it's quite a sight when a 36 story high three-stage Mooner V with a payload of 48,000 kg of high-performance human saliva comes into violent contact with 81 billion tons of sugar, lactose, corn syrup, and flavoring! Wow! It caused the moon to explode and start to melt, releasing carbon dioxide from bazillions of tiny bubbles trapped in its core! Why, you could hear the popping and sizzling sound right here on earth! Not too mention feeling a slight tingly sensation! And lucky you if you had an enormous liquid-mirror telescope on the back deck! You could even see the bubbles!
Before there was Fafblog there was Troutman, Defender of Sticks.
Always when the old master passes, a new master comes. I who was there tell you true.
by
, at April 14, 2008 8:23 PM
I think it's still here Lemeul, but it's just a bit slow. Slow Fafblog is tremendously better than none at all!
It still feels so awesome that it's back! It's so repentantly silly and awesome at the same time. That it exists almost gives me faith in humanity again. |
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