Tuesday, September 30, 2008

"Maybe the glaciers aren't melting at all," says me. "Maybe it's just a coupla fat guys who keep tryin to go ice skatin at the same time."
"Maybe it's like that episode of the Twilight Zone where everybody thinks it's getting hotter but it's all a dream and outside the dream it's really getting colder!" says Giblets. "Boy, would we feel stupid then!"
"Maybe God parked the earth out in the sunny part a the parking lot an once he gets back from the store an turns up the AC it'll all be back to normal," says me.
"Sir, I find your ideas compelling and would like to give you a grant from the Exxon-Mobil Foundation," says Giblets.
"What an exciting time for science!" says me.

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posted by fafnir at 3:25 PM
Monday, September 29, 2008

NASA's lost contact with the elephant and nobody's really sure why. Ground control says it's because of an improperly synchronized transponder on board the Hesperus II, the multi-billion dollar experimental space capsule designed to test the effects of weightlessness on elephants. The elephant says it's an attempt to escape a nightmarish future dystopia ruled by savage warrior apes. They agree to disagree.

The last transmission the elephant gets from earth is a C-SPAN broadcast of an emergency meeting of a subcommittee of the Joint Committee to Form Subcommittees on the projected national space elephant shortfall. The missions are missing and the numbers are bad and the Russians are workin on an unfrozen space mammoth and the Chinese just put a rhino in a hot air balloon and how will our nation compete and maintain its strengthutation on the world stage and the elephant misses the rest on accounta that's when the aliens show up. The aliens teach the elephant about the mysteries of the universe and the harmonic unity of all things and the elephant teaches the aliens how to touch the top of your head with your nose. The aliens are pretty impressed and make the elephant their official Space Ambassador to Space.

Years later the elephant finds God orbiting a gas giant in a nearby solar system. "Are you God?" says God. God's been here a while. "No, I'm an elephant," says the elephant. They talk for hours.

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posted by fafnir at 9:55 AM
Thursday, September 11, 2008

"Well we sure learned our lesson," says me standin in the middle a the smoke an the rubble an the burnin burnin cities, "and that's to never blow up someone else's country again."
"Unless there's a real good reason," says Giblets, "like self-defense or preemptive self-defense or defense from self-defense or revenge."
"Oh well a course there's self-defense," says me. "I mean just cause we wanna stop blowin up other countries doesn't mean we gotta stop blowin up other countries when they blow up our country, or try to blow up our country, or maybe tried to blow up our country, or mighta been friends with somebody that coulda maybe tried to blow up our country."
"But what if they haven't blown us up, and they haven't tried to blow us up, but they've got all kinds of secret deadly weapons they could use to blow us up, like nukes or bombs or guns or anti-bomb guns or very large bees?" says Giblets.
"Oh well then we haveta blow em up," says me. "I mean we can't just sit around waitin for the bees to come for us when we could be deploying our tactical anti-bee pre-defense defense."
"And what if they haven't blown us up, and they haven't tried to blow us up, and they don't have anything to blow us up with, but they are swiftly developing the potential capacity to eventually develop us-blowing-up technology?" says Giblets.
"Well I guess you'd haveta blow them up too," says me. "I mean why would they have bee-making programs in the first place if they weren't plannin to use bees to attack our anti-bee attackers?"
"Which we're gonna need to use to attack their bees," says Giblets.
"So it's all settled then," says me. "We're never gonna blow up anyone else again, unless it's self-defense, or it looks like self-defense, or it could maybe one day become self-defense, or it's in preemptive defense from their self-defense."
"What if it's a favor for a friend?" says Giblets. "Like what if there's this country that can't blow us up, and doesn't want to blow us up, and will never be able to blow us up, but one of our buddies kinda drops over on a Saturday night when we got nothin else to do anyway and they're all 'Can you do me a solid and bomb Iran'?"
"Well there's nothin wrong with bein friendly," says me. "I mean you gotta stick up for your friends."
"And your friends' friends," says Giblets. "And your friends' friends' friends. And your friends' friends' sketchy neighbor who keeps his other neighbors locked up in his basement sex dungeon."
"Well it's not our fault if we just happen to have a lotta friends," says me. "I mean we can't help it if we're popular."
"That's right, we're very loved," says Giblets. "So loved that everybody hates us, which is why we have to blow them up."
"It's really very sad," says me. "But other than these very limited situations we should really stop blowin people up."
"What if it's for a good cause?" says Giblets.
"Whattaya mean?" says me.
"Well like what if there's a genocide or an ethnic cleansing or a civil war or a flood or a malaria-starved orphan child on the tv that only we can save for the price of a cup of coffee and the only way to help them is by dropping thousands and thousands of bombs on their country?" says Giblets.
"Oh wow, I never thought a that," says me.
"No, you didn't," says Giblets. "It's a good thing you have Giblets around to remind you of these weighty responsibilities."
"Could we send them food and stuff instead?" says me.
"No, we can't," says Giblets. "All the food has been eaten. Eaten by bees."
"Oh man!" says me. "If only we'd blown up the bee countries earlier! How about medicine, could we send them some medicine?"
"Can it be delivered by cruise missile?" says Giblets.
"I don't think we've got the technology." says me.
"We'd probably better stick to bombing them then," says Giblets.
"But only 'cause we care," says me. "I guess what we're sayin is, we will never blow up this particular country, that we are standing in right now, in this particular way, ever again."
"Unless there's a real good reason," says Giblets.

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posted by fafnir at 10:22 AM
Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Well there's a brand new political superstar on the scene and she's tough as nails and the media won't leave her alone and she's a rough-and-tumble Alaskan hockey mom and why are they asking all these questions and she is the pure reincarnation of the invincible Anglo-Saxon frontier earth mother and stop picking on her!

So maybe Sarah Palin doesn't have all that much "experience." Maybe she doesn't pay much attention to your fancy-pants "foreign policy" or "domestic policy" or "policy." Maybe she's "crazy" and "corrupt" and was picked by a "vetting process" that consisted of "tossing darts at a phone book in the middle of an all-night Ambien-and-Ketamine binge." But maybe that's just because Sarah Palin's just too busy being a real American to hang around with your namby-pamby liberal candidates with their arugula lattes and their east coast Ivy League universities and their "qualifications" while they tax the Jesus Fetus to pay for gay Muslim healthcare! Well Sarah Palin understands that being vice-president takes more than just book-smarts or regular-smarts or knowing what a vice president does! It takes gumption and spunk and other made-up words that hearken back to another time - a realer time - a whiter time - back when men were men and women were men and great big hairy-chested frontiersmen of the plains wrestled oxen and caribou and the savage Injun Man in their mighty conquest of the West before succumbing to explosive amoebic dysentery! And with the help of God and millions of dollars in energy industry donations, Sarah Palin will give us that dysentery again!

VALUES.
As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five, Sarah Palin understands real American values, because she is a real American just like you, only with much more money and power and a tiny invisible fairy that lives in her brain and tells her to ban books and blow up Muslims. Sarah Palin understands that the key to America's success is personal responsibility, and the key to personal responsibility is getting lots of money from oil companies and the federal government while you enforce other people's personal responsibility! Oh, you wanted state funding to help with your out-of-wedlock Sin Child? Shoulda thoughta that before you decided to not be born to Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin will also ban abortion, 'cause in the hardscrabble up-by-the-bootstraps wilderness of the Alaskan suburbs, they don't have abortion. They also do not have adequate access to health care, birth control, or equal pay for equal work, as it turns out.

MAVERICKNESS.
As a moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose, Sarah Palin isn't some petty Washington bureaucrat. She's a petty Alaskan bureaucrat, and she's gonna shake things up in Washington! For her first reform she will pose for photographs with a gun and a stuffed moose head! For her second reform she will say something bold and brassy. For her third reform she will give birth at a live press conference to six eagle scouts, three peregrine falcons and an American mastodon, rear them in the Christian faith and release them into the wild before hunting them down, shooting them and mounting their heads in the Roosevelt Room!

Now some of you are saying "oh Giblets these aren't actual reforms" because you are boring and stupid and I hate you. But if you think about it, Sarah Palin would be reforming Washington just by being elected and finally giving a voice to marginalized white Christian evangelicals everywhere. She will also re-ban abortion, in case abortion got away the first time.

ENVIRONMENTALNESS.
As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose for Jesus, Sarah Palin is kin to the wild outdoors and appreciates its bountiful splendor as she is gunning it down from her airplane. Sarah Palin understands that America is dangerously addicted to oil, and that the only cure is more oil. She also understands that nature is our natural enemy, created by a malevolent Satan to come between us and our God-given oil deposits with its hateful, clean water and its foul, pristine air. But Sarah Palin also also knows that we've got to leave this earth behind for our children, at least until we can find a way to drill for oil in our children. Sarah Palin is committed to exploring Baby Trig's vast and abundant petroleum reserves.

Sarah Palin may not know if global warming is man-made. She may not know if global warming is real. She may not know what global warming is. But if global warming is caused by abortions, Sarah Palin will fight it - by banning abortion, just in case the first couple times didn't take.

COMMANDERNESS.
As a hockey-playing moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who plays hockey, Sarah Palin lives in Alaska, which is just a couple thousand miles away from Russia and the Red Chinese, giving her valuable insight into their inscrutable foreign ways. Every day for forty-four years Sarah Palin has gotten up and thought to herself, "Hmmm, the weather is cold today - and I bet the weather is similarly cold in Russia at this latitude." Isn't it about time we had a vice-president who understands the climatological grievances of our most deadliest frenemies? Think about it! But not for very long!

Alaska is also close to the International Date Line, giving Sarah Palin the power to traverse the distance between Today and Yesterday at will and making her the Wizard of Speed and Time. She's sassy and white and ready to lead, people! And to ban abortion. Just look at that blastocyst! How can you say no!

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posted by Giblets at 12:59 PM
Monday, September 1, 2008

Things are looking up for John McCain. Last week ended with a bang with the announcement of his fresh-faced new running mate Sarah Palin, who should provide McCain many more years of extended existence through gradual consumption of her life force, and, if needed, a new host body should his current vessel fail him. But McCain's true masterstroke is his planned convention trip to the permanently hurricane-ravaged wasteland of New Orleans, where he will demonstrate his awesome powers of Presidentiality by climbing atop a mountain of corpses and emitting a series of ear-piercing shrieks before unfurling his once-gnarled bat wings to absorb the radiance of the city's succulent Death Energy. He will then speak on the need for sacrifice, courage, and a new spirit of national unity in these times of extraordinary crisis before loping off to strangle and devour an aid worker.

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