Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Well there's a brand new political superstar on the scene and she's tough as nails and the media won't leave her alone and she's a rough-and-tumble Alaskan hockey mom and why are they asking all these questions and she is the pure reincarnation of the invincible Anglo-Saxon frontier earth mother and stop picking on her!

So maybe Sarah Palin doesn't have all that much "experience." Maybe she doesn't pay much attention to your fancy-pants "foreign policy" or "domestic policy" or "policy." Maybe she's "crazy" and "corrupt" and was picked by a "vetting process" that consisted of "tossing darts at a phone book in the middle of an all-night Ambien-and-Ketamine binge." But maybe that's just because Sarah Palin's just too busy being a real American to hang around with your namby-pamby liberal candidates with their arugula lattes and their east coast Ivy League universities and their "qualifications" while they tax the Jesus Fetus to pay for gay Muslim healthcare! Well Sarah Palin understands that being vice-president takes more than just book-smarts or regular-smarts or knowing what a vice president does! It takes gumption and spunk and other made-up words that hearken back to another time - a realer time - a whiter time - back when men were men and women were men and great big hairy-chested frontiersmen of the plains wrestled oxen and caribou and the savage Injun Man in their mighty conquest of the West before succumbing to explosive amoebic dysentery! And with the help of God and millions of dollars in energy industry donations, Sarah Palin will give us that dysentery again!

As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five, Sarah Palin understands real American values, because she is a real American just like you, only with much more money and power and a tiny invisible fairy that lives in her brain and tells her to ban books and blow up Muslims. Sarah Palin understands that the key to America's success is personal responsibility, and the key to personal responsibility is getting lots of money from oil companies and the federal government while you enforce other people's personal responsibility! Oh, you wanted state funding to help with your out-of-wedlock Sin Child? Shoulda thoughta that before you decided to not be born to Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin will also ban abortion, 'cause in the hardscrabble up-by-the-bootstraps wilderness of the Alaskan suburbs, they don't have abortion. They also do not have adequate access to health care, birth control, or equal pay for equal work, as it turns out.

As a moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose, Sarah Palin isn't some petty Washington bureaucrat. She's a petty Alaskan bureaucrat, and she's gonna shake things up in Washington! For her first reform she will pose for photographs with a gun and a stuffed moose head! For her second reform she will say something bold and brassy. For her third reform she will give birth at a live press conference to six eagle scouts, three peregrine falcons and an American mastodon, rear them in the Christian faith and release them into the wild before hunting them down, shooting them and mounting their heads in the Roosevelt Room!

Now some of you are saying "oh Giblets these aren't actual reforms" because you are boring and stupid and I hate you. But if you think about it, Sarah Palin would be reforming Washington just by being elected and finally giving a voice to marginalized white Christian evangelicals everywhere. She will also re-ban abortion, in case abortion got away the first time.

As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose for Jesus, Sarah Palin is kin to the wild outdoors and appreciates its bountiful splendor as she is gunning it down from her airplane. Sarah Palin understands that America is dangerously addicted to oil, and that the only cure is more oil. She also understands that nature is our natural enemy, created by a malevolent Satan to come between us and our God-given oil deposits with its hateful, clean water and its foul, pristine air. But Sarah Palin also also knows that we've got to leave this earth behind for our children, at least until we can find a way to drill for oil in our children. Sarah Palin is committed to exploring Baby Trig's vast and abundant petroleum reserves.

Sarah Palin may not know if global warming is man-made. She may not know if global warming is real. She may not know what global warming is. But if global warming is caused by abortions, Sarah Palin will fight it - by banning abortion, just in case the first couple times didn't take.

As a hockey-playing moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who plays hockey, Sarah Palin lives in Alaska, which is just a couple thousand miles away from Russia and the Red Chinese, giving her valuable insight into their inscrutable foreign ways. Every day for forty-four years Sarah Palin has gotten up and thought to herself, "Hmmm, the weather is cold today - and I bet the weather is similarly cold in Russia at this latitude." Isn't it about time we had a vice-president who understands the climatological grievances of our most deadliest frenemies? Think about it! But not for very long!

Alaska is also close to the International Date Line, giving Sarah Palin the power to traverse the distance between Today and Yesterday at will and making her the Wizard of Speed and Time. She's sassy and white and ready to lead, people! And to ban abortion. Just look at that blastocyst! How can you say no!

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posted by Giblets at 12:59 PM

and attractive!

anybody who wouldn't vote for Sarah Palin is totally GAY!

(i hear she is also mainstream, articulate, bright and clean.)

i mean, that's a storybook, man.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 09, 2008 2:32 PM
I was going to vote for McCain, but now my eyes have been opened wide, and I will now vote for Sarah Palin. Yay Giblets!
oh god how ive missed you faf.
how did i ever stray...
I'm still waiting for the Medium Lobster to weigh in. Sure the McCain/Palin ticket is full of moose and bullshit and extinction, but can they compete against the Overmind/Large Hadron Collider ticket?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 09, 2008 3:14 PM
Hooray for Fafblog!

Sarah Palin is lovely and nice and pretty and keen in that mystical way that only a high school basketball playing Idaho educated buckskin clad Alaskan brood mother who hunts moose and honks through her nose like a goose can be!

She must have been raised on real mayonnaise, real whip cream, Wonder bread, Nabisco Premium Brand Saltines, Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup, weisswurst, onions, Philly Cream Cheese, cauliflower, solid white albacore tuna, and angel food cake.
Of course you like Sarah Palin, Giblets -- she let you name all her children!
For her third reform she will give birth at a live press conference to six eagle scouts, three peregrine falcons and an American mastodon, rear them in the Christian faith and release them into the wild before hunting them down, shooting them and mounting their heads in the Roosevelt Room!


This is so funny that it almost lets me forget that Sarah Palin exists in real life, and not just in some nightmarish parody of U.S. politics. Ah, sweet escapism. Thanks, gibs.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 09, 2008 4:09 PM
SARAH PALIN to point out to the many tinted people that her name can be rearranged to spell "HIS ANAL RAP."

The "HIS" of course refers to Our Lord and Savior, duh.
I think richm is on to something.

Personally, think she might actually be A HARP SNAIL -- which is just like a harp seal except a lot more fun, as is a gastropod with a shell that oozes around by generating a carpet of slime to glide therewith upon!
Harpa articularis - harp snail

Harps are predatory, feeding mostly on crustaceans such as crabs. To feed, they wrap their "foot" (flesh) around their victim, smothering it with a combination of mucous and sand.

sounds like it would make a great VP - it could eat Russia
Maybe Fannie Farmer will show up with recipes for comfort food and or good drinks so that we can make it through the election season.
richm is definitely onto something. Think about this: if you switch the first letters of her first and last name, you get "Parah Salin," which sort of sounds kind of like "parasailing," which is the sort of sport only snobs like John Kerry participate in. OK, he's into windsurfing, but everyone knows that while they're different, they're the same thing snooty-snobbish French arugula snorting-wise.

So Sarah Palin is the opposite of John Kerry. Or maybe John Kerry turned on his side a bit.

Anyway, it's why I'm voting for her!
Mmm, creamy giblets. The tags are almost the best part. Almost.
So I'm not the only person alive who's seen the short film, The Wizard of Speed and Time. Heh.

Nice job explaining the virtues of Palin, though I think you needed to mention dead animals more. It livens things up.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 10, 2008 9:21 AM
I didn't know she was the Wizard of Speed and Time. That's cool. Has anyone explored how she feels about the hit TV show "Northern Exposure" that took place in Alaska? That would be important to know. Or did that have too many abortions and piano-flingings in it?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 10, 2008 9:54 AM
Somehow, I now have the strange and unprecedented urge to hunt down Bullwinkle.
I also like the way she wrinkles up her little nose when she makes a joke, the same way a squirrel does before it kills a moose.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 10, 2008 10:37 AM
I have said it before and I will say it again: if Jesus has personally selected Sarah Palin as his representative in government that's cool, and all, but remember that Jesus was a VERY POOR DECISION-MAKER when it came to staffing 1/12 of the time.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 10, 2008 11:17 AM
Jesus is suspiciously foreign looking and I've never seen him with a flag pin. He's probably an anti-American terrorist.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 10, 2008 2:12 PM
Consider that the PIRANHA LAS,
Serving in the ANAL PARISH,
Frightened of the SHARIA PLAN,
Might Unleash PLAN ASH AIR!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 10, 2008 3:35 PM
Can you fuel a hippie commie non-gas guzzling hybrid liberal mobile with an arugula latte?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 10, 2008 3:49 PM
Excellent overview of the intricate complexities that Governor Sarah Palin brings into play with the tangled dynamics of American politics.
I don't even know you, but I love you. That smacked of Olbermann and Colbert both.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 10, 2008 8:29 PM
Brilliant. The best explanation of her appeal I've seen anywhere.
The phrase "hateful, clean water and its foul, pristine air" reminds me of something James Nicoll (coiner of the immortal line about English lurking in dark alleys looking for other languages to roll for vocabulary) would say... Bravo!
Is it a coincidence that "Vice President Palin" can be made to spell "Acid Vintner Pee Lips"? It is like the Hidden Bible Code, only homlier.

It's true because I like it that way.

McCain seemed kind of empty and listless until his soulmate came and filled his cavities. Now I believe!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 11, 2008 12:55 AM
Sarah Palin is like an onion, a great, mysterious onion that is sitting on a moose burger in the Forced Childbirth Wing of some decrepit place or another. Bite the burger and you bite the onion.

Duz u hav a pig? Duz u have lipstick? Get to it!

She's mythical, a goddess. At night America goes to sleep and dreams of Sarah.
She's got the Zeitgeist by the balls.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 11, 2008 2:56 AM
I was a POW for five years, tortured every day, so stop saying I'm insane. Oh, and Obama's middle name is Hassan, and he's a registered Muslin, and he wants to feel up your Cub Scouts (not like Mark Foley, so stop saying that), an...an...all those specifics in his plans aren't specific enough, so there.
I'm John McInsane and I approve this massage (a little lower to the right, Karl).
Yes she's one of "us" (people who wear sweatshirts with flowers and
birds); yes she sets her "mind" to something and gets the job done; yes
she plops out a Downy and gets back to work (just like any good workin'
mom); yes she's good with her careless daughter being pregnant in high
school (cuz shoot, Life Happens); yup, yup, you betcha she'll back the
rapers and scrapers who want to drill the fuck outta ANWR; yeah Big
Oil's got her back!

If Hillary's 17-year-old daughter got knocked up, do you think anyone
would be so forgiving of the Clintons' lack of proper parenting? Or
would Hillary be vilified for her single-minded career priorities?

Intellectuals thought the last eight years of smug and abusive
Republican populism was traumatic, but just wait till the sweatshirt
posse of middle-minded moms opens their long-simmering can of whoop-ass!

This is about being a mom! and an American! and a wife! and a governor,
darn it!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 11, 2008 11:02 AM
I sent the link to this to everyone I know, because I had tears from laughing so hard. I applaud you!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 11, 2008 1:23 PM
Yep. It's all the fault of those durn housewives and mothers that Sarah Palin's on her way to the White House.
Sneering misogynistic anti-Hillary Obama fans had nothing to do with it, that's for sure.
Oh the piper must be paid.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 11, 2008 3:18 PM
Hattie: bite me.

I'm a housewife and mother and I approved this message.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 11, 2008 5:39 PM
Anagram for Sarah Palin: Sharia Plan

That's it! She's secretly an Islamic Manchurian Candidate who moved to the least populated state in the nation and used a combination of superpopulist
rhetoric and feminine wiles to land a job that would get her on the list for potential vice presidents.

Other operatives made it impossible for anyone else to be considered, and now she's one jab of her poison-tipped ice skate away from running the country and
mandating all of our kids go to madrassass and pray toward Mecca!
Personally, I think she's a nasal harpi....
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 12, 2008 12:48 AM
I gotta say that huntin' moose in Alaska ain't all that great a testament to your predatory prowess. My brother-in-law up in Kenai has to shoo them off the porch... It's like hunting bison down around Yellowstone. They just stand there and look at you while you shoot them. Might as well hunt cows.

Not that anybody was talkin' about hunting moose as a qualifcation for being president... except Fred Thompson.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 13, 2008 8:25 PM
I rearrange the letters of "Sarah Palin" several times, but all I ever got was "batshit crazy skank".
This morning began as an "I'm down in the dumps because my guy is down in the polls" sorta day, but your fabulous piece of incisive satire cheered me right up. Thanks so much for that. And I don't think I've ever enjoyed a collection of comments more than this one.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 15, 2008 11:08 AM
Sarah Palin is a Drama Queen
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 17, 2008 6:20 PM
I'm thinking it's time for Okrah Tofu Pie to weigh in here....
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 20, 2008 11:04 AM
I'm going to have to insist we refer to her as "Pig Lips". [Or "Gip Slip"... if you simply must....]
good post
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 21, 2008 1:04 PM
If youze guys were'nt so fukkin fonny I'd kick you off my blogroll for being so fokkin lazy. Get off your asses and post.

Love, Blue Gal

Blogger with a broken ankle who only missed a goddamn DAY of posting because there was no wireless in the fokking ER. Got that?
This is very funny from the other side of Election Day. I hope she goes to live in "Where Are They Now?" Canyon and doesn't ever come out.

PS. I am not a spammer; please do not click on anything I say.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at January 07, 2009 3:43 AM
Hi. Just wanted to say cool blog and nice article in the paper this weekend!
I have to admit that growing up in Chicago I am horribly biased and don't actually consider that thin stuff from New York the same food.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 27, 2009 6:36 AM


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