Friday, October 14, 2005

FAFBLOG: It's great to have you on the blog today God! We never hang out anymore.
GOD: Well, God's a busy man, Fafnir - what with all the smiting, and the earthquakes, and the smiting, and the pestilence, and the smiting. Oh - and I'm speaking at a charity fundraiser later this afternoon.
FB: Well - see there, that's good! You're helpin out in your community.
GOD: A charity fundraiser for smiting. And of course I have my government work.
FB: So you really DO tell the president what to do!
GOD: Oh yeah. Me and Dubya are like THIS. Iraq War, tax cuts, Gitmo - that was all me.
FB: So when you told him to Invade Iraq you also told him it was gonna cost thousands of lives, hundreds of billions of dollars, and leave the country ripped apart by sectarian violence, right?
GOD: The thing is, I told him to invade, but I ALSO told him to send in more troops. See, that's the thing of it. We just need more boots on the ground there, Fafnir.
FB: Hey, that's a great idea, God! Where do we get the troops?
GOD: I specifically told the president to mold them out of the earth and breathe into them the gift of life. Sadly, my expert advice was ignored.
FB: So is the war just a screw-up then? Cause this is the sorta stuff people use to prove you don't exist.
GOD: God's policies work in mysterious ways, Fafnir. Maybe what mortal eyes see as a catastrophic failure is, in the greater plan of God, an incredible success!
FB: Ooh, like maybe the increased terrorism will lead to increased explosions which will make us more visible from space which will attract benevolent super-aliens who will finally capture Osama bin Laden!
GOD: Maybe. I could tell you the answer, but then you wouldn't need faith in the war.
FB: And if I don't have faith in the war, the war can't die for my sins!
GOD: Yeah, something like that.
FB: So, how's that work with hurricanes and torture?
GOD: Well, thing is, part of being God is delegating authority. For the low-level decisions - who's ignoring hurricanes, who's torturing who - you really have to go to the local and state-level Gods. Little thing we like to call "federalism," Fafnir.
FB: Now at the same time you were tellin the president to ignore the hurricane, you were also creating the hurricane. Isn't that a conflict of interest?
GOD: First of all, being God is hard work. You've got like grass to grow and stuff. I'd like to see YOU stop a hurricane.
FB: I bet Superman could stop a hurricane.
GOD: He could not.
FB: Could too. He can spin the earth around so time goes backwards. A hurricane’s nothin for Superman.
GOD: Well, y'know, I can do plenty of stuff. I can turn women into salt. I can make loaves and fishes - loaves and fishes like you wouldn't believe.
FB: Are you worried about the Draft Superman movement?
GOD: The what? There's no Draft Superman movement.
FB: Sure there is. They got like a blog an everything.
GOD: Huh.
FB: So did you ever tell the president to do anything about Valerie Plame? Cause I hear you got subpoenaed to testify in front a the grand jury.
GOD: I won't answer that without the advice of my attorney. Look, there's a ton of inconsistencies in the Superman gospels, ever notice that? One day he's got a fortress of solitude and a bottle city of Kandor and the next day he doesn't. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?
FB: Pretty much everybody thinks you gotta resign if they indict. Does the line of succession make Jesus the Acting God then or does the Vice-God take over?
GOD: I mean, people aren't gonna pray to Superman! You can kill the guy with a freaking rock!
FB: It's been great to have you here, God! Stop by anytime.

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