Friday, December 4, 2009

There was supposed to be a pie here, a flaky fresh-baked apple pie, but it's not here, and if it's not here then it's gone, and if it's gone then somebody took it, and if somebody took it then it's stolen - stolen by a walrus.

Oh you know all about walruses, all about them and their thieving walrus ways. You bet that walrus is having a grand old time right now with all its walrus buddies - telling its walrus jokes, sipping its walrus brandy, laughing a cruel walrus laugh at your expense. Well you won't let it get away with it. You're gonna get even with that walrus.

Your friends don't really understand all the walrus traps and the walrus bait and the sacrificial offerings to Uotichtlan, ancient Aztec Lord of the Sun-Walrus, but that's just 'cause they never been there, never had their hearts broken by a walrus's lies, never lost the family farm to the walruses down at the bank, never had to leave three good men to die in a war zone 'cause the walruses jumped 'em in the middle of the night. Or maybe they're just in on it. In on it with the walrus.

Now you've got Craig and Mike and Laurel and Turtlefoot Henson all locked up in the back of the bottom of the basement and they're all goin "hey man we don't know what you're talkin about, we don't know any walrus" which is exactly what you'd expect them to say if they were working for the walrus and you know you got em now and you know you got that walrus now and all you got to do now is wait, wait right here by the door with your walrus gun all ready for that walrus to show, and that's when you'll show 'im. That's when you'll show that walrus.


posted by fafnir at 8:53 AM

I am the walrus?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at December 04, 2009 10:37 AM
Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at December 04, 2009 10:39 AM
The walrus is ransoming the pie for its bukkit. You got it?
it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
goo goo g'joob
by Anonymous Anonymous, at December 04, 2009 11:24 AM
Moose have nothing on those strangely tantalizing, inconstant, homicidal elk.
Nah, it wasn't the walrus. It was the carpenter. The walrus was framed.
a walrus loves pie? how great it is. I thought they love fish most. but i found that walrus also love pie that give it motive to steal. haha.
funny talk. i hate walrus. why? i am afraid of it. :-P
Okra Tofu Pie think maybe Fafnir maybe onto somethin' here. Last time Okra Tofu Pie saw Walrus, Walrus didn't look too good - not good at all. While before, Walrus was really fit and thin (in at least a walrusy sort of way) as you would expect for Walrus livin' a gang bangin' big pimpin' lifestyle, but now Walrus really let himself go and wallows around in a muumuu has to clean himself with a rag on a stick.

Okra Tofu Pie think Fafnir's pie led Walrus to ruin - the ruin of too much pie. Fafnir's intervention maybe only thing that could save Walrus now.
by Anonymous Okra Tofu Pie, at December 04, 2009 6:45 PM
Personally, I'm sorry to hear this about Turtlefoot. He always seemed the brightest and best of the bunch, but it just shows you can never be too sure. I have faith in Fafnir. He would never draw a walrus gun on anybody who didn't deserve it, and couldn't possibly deserve it in the future, or might say something that could lead one to think that, at any point in time or any location, he would have gestured or coughed in such a way as to indicate that he might deserve it.

If you follow me. And I really wish you wouldn't.
by Anonymous Balakirev, at December 04, 2009 7:45 PM
I gave you guys the answer after that killer walrus attack. Now I know you guys are hot shit and are down with space time but you evidently didn't think of the answer to the walrs threat so I gave it to you once and now again.

Walrus pie, baby, walrus pie.
by Anonymous rapier, at December 04, 2009 7:58 PM
On second thought. You know walruses aren't really so bad, once you get to know them. Suppose you defeated the walrus, probably someone would come along to replace him who is even worse. Like Godzilla or some general.
by Anonymous rapier, at December 04, 2009 8:22 PM
We'll get him this time.
And when we do, we'll put him on the 3:10.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at December 04, 2009 10:23 PM
That's rediculous story. Walrus got big teeth.. grrr..
At the risk of seeming slightly repetitive, here is a comment I posted in November of 2008.

It was Lewis Carroll (not his real name) who wrote

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

It was Queen Latifah (not her real name) who narrated the 2007 movie Arctic Tale. It's really very interesting once you get over the fact that there is NO singing or dancing in this movie. At all. "Two narratives -- the life cycle of a mother walrus and her calf, and the life of a polar bear and her cubs -- are used to illustrate the harsh realities of existence in the Arctic." Get the DVD, with its bonus features. You will never look at walruses the same way again. (The reality of polar bear life is pretty much what you think, though.)

It was The Walrus Foundation, a registered non-profit charitable foundation, which launched The Walrus magazine in September of 2003 with a straightforward mandate: to be a Canadian general-interest magazine with an international outlook. They are committed to publishing the best work by the best writers from Canada and elsewhere on a wide range of topics for readers who are curious about the world. The most awarded magazine in Canada, it was named Magazine of the Year at the National Magazine Awards in June 2007. The Walrus is a monthly publication of ideas, sophistication, and wit, and a place where readers, writers, and artists meet.

[Kind of like Fafblog, in the good old days.]

The December 2008 issue has an article on mincemeat pie, with photographs of mid-twentieth century recipe cards. "Mincemeat Pie: Your mother’s mincemeat recipe is all wrong." by Jared Bland, Danielle Groen & Brian Morgan.
Where's the love, Faf? Where are the Soupmases of yesteryear? When the bygone days when you were the walrus, and you loved the walrus, for verily, what Faf can love not himself? Reclaim the spirit of Soupmas, Fafnir! Reclaim the pie! Embrace the universe like a blazing star!
Oh, Ethan! Soupmas hasn't left us. There are Soupmases to come.
This is way more misinformation about the walrus than I need. However, I do believe walruses like pie, because everyone likes pie.
Do What Thou Wilt - with the delights of pie; except you wicked walrus! You have walrusishly denied the pie, and you shall receive your just desserts.
by Anonymous evil doer, at December 07, 2009 11:39 AM
They've all been sent mad by the Bucket of Dr Walrus.
by Anonymous animus, at December 08, 2009 3:27 AM
This walrus of which you speak. I think it is a metaphor. What does it make you think of? Whiskers. Walri have whiskers. And Whiskers? Well, they make you think of razors and razors of death. Fafnir is suicidal. This metaphor is a call for help.
I love this blog. I want this blog in book form, so I will be sure to have it forever. Someone please make this happen.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at December 08, 2009 11:03 PM
this is funny. Have a nice day! :D
If you haven't done anything wrong with a walrus you've got nothing to hide.

Unless you're hiding a walrus in your pocket.

Or maybe you're just glad to see me.
I think I need bigger pants if I'm gonna fit this walrus in my pocket. His flipper doesn't even fit.

Uhoh, I think he's getting mad. Agggh, the tusks, the pain, tell them I always
> If you haven't done anything wrong
> with a walrus you've got nothing
> to hide.

Everybody's got something to hide 'cept for me and my monkey.
I support the walrus and so should you and I know every walrus there is and I work for them and so will you because of the mandate which will take sacrifice sure like 110% of your meager income but that isn't because the walrus is greedy but only because he want's you to be healthy which is why they took that flaky fatning pie because while you shouldn't be fat fat is what Walrus should be. Amen
by Anonymous Your Friend, at December 17, 2009 1:57 AM
The Walrus was a solid citizen until somebody stole his bucket.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at December 18, 2009 1:02 PM
Everybody's got something to hide 'cept for me and my monkey.

Oh, come on.
I wonder why what happened to fafnir. If you come back, pls tell us for a new post. thanks.
All I want for Christmas is a spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and tomato sandwich.
Tell me about the walruses, George!


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