Tuesday, April 15, 2008

When the Mainstream Media and the Establishment Press and the Corporate Zombie News Octopus ignore the real story, there's only one independent source you can trust - and that source is Giblets! Behold the power of Giblets World News Update!

ITEM! Last week George Bush said for the first time that he personally approved the torture of prisoners held in U.S. custody. And right now there's only one question on everybody's mind: who does this help in the Democratic primary! The conventional wisdom is that presidential super-torture powers are sure to help Hillary Clinton, the one candidate Americans trust to waterboard Muslims at 3 AM. But it's also a big opportunity for Obama to make up lost ground by striking a tough, muscular pro-torture stance to counteract the dangerous pussification of his girly bowling abilities! Stay tuned, readers!

ITEM! One of the world's leading climatologists says that the targets for CO2 reduction set by the IPCC are far too high to stop global warming. According to James Hansen, at the current target of 450 ppm polar ice would eventually melt entirely, raising sea levels by 75 meters and radically transforming the planet. But would all this happen fast enough to save Obama by turning voters' attentions from the devastating "Bittergate" scandal, or will the destruction of the coasts merely cede the nomination to Clinton by leaving Obama with nothing to work with but Hillary's natural constituency of embittered midwestern gun-toting god-freaks? Giblets World News will have more on this breaking story as it develops!

ITEM! Massive food riots are erupting across the globe in response to skyrocketing grain prices brought on by global warming, declining oil supplies and a glut of biofuel subsidies. Experts warn that unless policies change drastically, we could face a level of chaos that has been described as "apocalyptic" - which would be great news for the McCain campaign, since the end of the world would allow him to really mobilize his base of poison-breathing flesh zombies. But can Obama make inroads into McCain's demographics by "reaching across the aisle" to pick up the traditionally-Republican radioactive vampire vote?

ITEM! Namby-pamby so-called "media-critics" have been whining and moaning about how non-stop election coverage has "squeezed out real news" and made Americans "even dumber and more uninformed than usual." Giblets doesn't know what they're talking about, but then he is one of the smart people who reads the news all the time and knows everything anyway and is insulated from the creeping endumbification of the masses. But if this is true it raises some important and sobering questions about politics and the media. Like how will this play in Pennsylvania! Will twenty-four-hour supersaturated campaign coverage give Hillary the edge, or will an inanely debased discourse bump Obama up a couple points? Giblets needs to know, and he needs to know now! Get me a SUSA poll! Get me tracking numbers! Giblets needs county-by-county breakdowns and pre-debate roundtables and post-debate roundtables and meta-spin analysis and colored charts - dozens upon dozens of bright colored charts! This story's going to be big, people, Giblets can just feel it - and he's going to stick with it for as long as necessary.

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posted by Giblets at 4:43 PM

How can we trust you if we don't know anything about you?
Giblets forgets Anderson Cooper's flying pie charts!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 11:55 AM
Who are you and what have you done with Giblets?
Giblets has read your comment twice, Dean, and it makes no more sense the second time than it did the first. Giblets banishes you for wasting his precious noodling time!
You left out the impact of the bobblehead Pope controversy. It is sure to swing the bobblehead vote.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 1:32 PM
Mmmm, I love me some Giblets.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 6:43 PM
Why no bobblehead Giblets?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 9:41 PM
The Pope an the Space Pope an the Astro Pope an the Cosmo Pope are all usurpers. Anyone who's read the Gospel according to Giblets knows Giblets is Jesus's best pal an trusted astrologist.

Yeah, I said Jesus's astrologist. So who are yah gonna believe: some random pope(s) who crawled out of a cloning vat or Jesus's astrologist?
Cindy McCain's Mixed Fruit Tart

You’ll need:

1 tablespoon gelatin
2 tablespoons water
½ cup low-fat granola
½ cup graham cracker crumbs
3 tablespoons canola oil Olive oil spray
1 cup fat-free, low-sugar vanilla yogurt
1 cup sliced strawberries
1 cup sliced ripe peaches
1 cup blueberries
3 tablespoons confectioners’ sugar

Mix gelatin and water together in a small glass mixing cup and set aside. Remove yogurt from refrigerator and allow it to come to room temperature.

Place granola, graham cracker crumbs, and oil in the bowl of a food processor. Process until oil is mixed into the dry ingredients. Coat a 7- 8 inch pie plate with olive oil spray and press crumbs into place. Refrigerate while preparing other ingredients. Place the mixing cup with gelatin in a saucepan. Fill the saucepan with water to reach three-fourths the way up the side of the cup. Heat water to dissolve gelatin, about 2 minutes. Once the gelatin is clear, stir it into the yogurt. Remove the pie plate from the refrigerator and spread the yogurt mixture over the bottom. Return to the refrigerator for 5 minutes.

Remove from refrigerator and spread strawberries and peach slices over the yogurt. Sprinkle the blueberries on top and refrigerate. Remove about 15 minutes before serving. Sprinkle sugar on top and serve.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 17, 2008 2:01 PM
Giblets is all that stands between the world and My Wrath.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 18, 2008 12:13 AM
word verification asks me to type in "yitmmvd". so here we go. yitmmvd.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 18, 2008 11:35 AM
Let them eat meta-spin!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 18, 2008 1:02 PM
ITEM! Is a bear Catholick? Does the pope poop in the woods?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 19, 2008 9:31 AM
a bear is catholic if he or she has been baptized by water in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit - while normally this is done by a priest or deacon, any layperson can do this in an emergency

the pope poops in the woods if he is camping in the woods - both our current pope, in his youth in the Hitler Jugend, and his predecessor enjoyed this activity in their younger days

and speaking of John Paul II and camping, the following account of his entry into Heaven has come to my attention:

As it happened, JPII arrived at the reception area at exactly the same moment as a lawyer, and the lawyer recognized him and said, "Please, Your Holiness - you go first." JPII thanked him and blessed him, and stepped up to the counter. It was St. Peter's shift, and so "The Rock" personally welcomed him, coming out from behind the desk and embracing and kissing him on both cheeks, greeting him by his given name, "Karol - I've been looking forward to meeting you for a long time now! Welcome! We have a great new modern apartment for you, with many deluxe features, and fully equipped spa and olympic-sized pool in the same complex, 500 cable channels and downloadable movies on demand, ultrabroadband wifi - it's all so modern that construction isn't quite finished yet - maybe next week, first of the month for sure. In the meantime, we have a wilderness camping area that's just like Paradise and will be a great change from Vatican City - your touring bike and camping gear is right over here - and here are some discount coupons for Wendy's. Enjoy!"

Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, "Welcome! We hope you'll be pleased with your penthouse condominium - the staff were at Buckingham Palace in their earthly life and they're very experienced. I wish we had time to talk more now, but I'll see you at the reception for you tomorrow evening, cohosted by Moses and Jesus - your limo is here, and here's my card with my unlisted cell phone - call me for anything - seriously. See you tomorrow night." And the lawyer gets into the Rolls Royce and is driven away.

Meanwhile John Paul II is still fiddling with the bungee cords on his bicycle. St. Peter looks at him and says, "I know what you're thinking, Karol, but consider it this way - I've had this job for a couple of thousand years, and we've had a lot of popes come through here - although not all of them, unfortunately. But that guy there - he's the first lawyer ever."


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