Tuesday, August 23, 2005

We join Doctor Fafnir and Doctor Giblets as they race to save a stroke victim through the miracle of pluralistic medicine.

"The brain is irreducibly complex and intelligently designed," says me, "most likely by brain fairies. The only way to save this brain is to lure the stroke fairies outta the brain with delicious fairy snacks."
"You speak madness!" says Giblets. "Your fairy appeasement plan will only encourage these stroke fairies to cause MORE strokes in the future! Only a hardline anti-fairy stance will deter future fairy-designed brain maladies!"
"We won't get anywhere with your dangerous fairy brinksmanship," says me. "I've got a patient to save and the fairies-for-brain trade is the only way to do it!"
"That's just a theory, not a fact," says Giblets. "Giblets knows strokes are really caused by an excess of blood, the only cure for which is an increase in phlegm levels! Get me 50 cc's of phlegm, stat!"
"Oh no we're losin him!" says me. "Get me God on the phone, we need him to create thrombolysis!"
"No time for that, he'll take at least six days and that's not counting the time to tempt it into eternal damnation!" says Giblets.
"He has only one hope now: the artificial replacement brain!" says me.
"Giblets has it right here!" says Giblets scoopin out the brain an stickin in a bag a Stop-U-Mart ice.
"Doctor Giblets I must protest," says me. "How's the patient gonna think with a bag a Stop-U-Mart ice."
"He won't," says Giblets. "He'll think with his heart and use his new artificial ice brain to cool his blood and prevent heated disruptions of the humours like everybody else!"
"Well then how's he gonna keep his soul attached to his pineal gland then," says me feelin skeptical.
"What lunacy is this!" says Giblets. "The pineal glad has nothing to do with 'the soul'! The pineal gland controls telepathy, and Giblets thinks the patient can do without contacting the sunken city of Mu with his mind-powers from now on."
"Well that's just crazy talk," says me. "They got a ton a cool stuff down in Mu."
"Giblets can't take this any more!" says Giblets. "You with your superstitious imp-laden fatalism, Giblets with his proven, Aristotelian flat-earth methodology - they are completely incompatible!"
"No no, Giblets," says me. "Not if we 'practice the controversy.' Everyone's beliefs can find a place in pluralistic medicine!"
"Well, it's just so crazy it just might work!" says Giblets. "Giblets will heal the patient's brain through the principles of acupuncture, by stapling a tumor to his foot!"
"And I'll get angels to turn the blood clot into a pillar a salt!" says me.
"Together we will be unstoppable!" says Giblets.

Doctor Fafnir and Doctor Giblets eventually lost the patient, but they did perform a successful emergency appendectomy on a sick little voodoo doll. Congratulations on a job well done!


posted by fafnir at 12:10 PM

See also http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humanistic_medicine


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