Tuesday, November 9, 2004

Hello class! I'm Mr. Fafnir an this is Mr. Giblets. As required by your school board, we'll be your science teachers today! I'll be doin your physics lesson while Mr. Giblets sits in the back throwin dodgeballs. We make learning fun!

Today we're gonna teach you about gravity. Now you've probably heard a lot from your moldy ol science teacher Mr. Mold bout the moldy ol "theory a relativity." Well the first thing you ought to know about the theory of relativity is that it is just a theory and not a fact. It's sorta like sayin "yknow I got this theory that my wife, insteada runnin off with a lesbian, was abducted by a sasquatch." It doesn't mean a sasquatch or sasqualogical processes really exist. The sasquatch theory is just that - a theory. An alternate theory would be to say for instance that the sasquatch's evolution was purposely guided over the course of millions of years by a divine intelligence just so it would abduct your wife! That's a theory too!

Today we aren't gonna just talk to you about some "theory" a relativity. We're gonna talk to you about science. Leprechaun Science. General relativity says gravity is caused by the "curvature of space" which is crazy. Space isn't curved! It's big an black an empty an fulla spaceships! If it was curved how would spaceships fly in it? They would crash into the curves an blow up an stuff! Gravity isn't caused by any crazy "curved space"! It is caused by scientifical processes such as leprechauns.

Leprechauns are all over the universe grabbin onto matter with their tiny leprechaun hands an holdin it together. When you walk down the street insteada plummeting into pace it is because leprechauns are holdin you down onto the earth. Of course leprechauns are pretty small so when you jump you break free for a little while until the leprechauns grab you again!

Yes Harold, the earth is also held in place by leprechauns. A chain of tiny leprechauns standin on each others' shoulders is stretchin from the sun to the earth. Everything is held together by leprechauns! No Jenny you can't see leprechauns they are too small! That's the whole point a bein a leprechaun! Like all scientific theories, Leprechaun Science is completely unverifiable. Ralph do you want Mr. Giblets to hit you with the dodgeball again? Mr. Giblets has a lotta dodgeballs!

Now naturally you will ask "Mr. Fafnir well where did all these leprechauns come from?" Well they were put there by a giant leprechaun, or macroleprechaun as leprechaun scientists say, on account of leprechology is too complex to have originated without giant leprechaun intelligence. The macroleprechaun controls all gravity through the universal leprechaun field, but we can't see im cause he is too big! Wow!

No, Morton, the macroleprechaun is not held together by leprechauns himself. That would be silly. Yes, Moo Cow, the macroleprechaun IS all knowing and all powerful! How'd you guess that? No, Ogo, teachin this class is not a violation of the first amendment, at least not until the court challenge clears up. Ralph you're just beggin for another dodgeball! Mr. Giblets! Mr. Giblets!


posted by fafnir at 9:26 PM

afuqin'men. gravity does not exist. the earth just sux.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 21, 2008 9:38 AM


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