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Monday, March 8, 2010
"Maybe we can outsmart global warming with gumption and can-do and thousands of tiny robots!" says me.
"Maybe all we need is a simple technological solution, like installing blinds on the sky or an off switch for the sun," says Giblets. "Maybe we could flip the continents over when they get hot in the summertime," says me. "I bet they're nice and cool on the other side." "Maybe if the oceans start rising we can get a coupla guys to stand on either end with a pair of buckets so they can start bailing if it gets too deep," says Giblets. "Well obviously that depends," says me. "Are these solar-powered buckets?" "One solar, and one powered by safe clean nuclear energy," says Giblets. "What an exciting time for science!" says me. Labels: our world and how to kill it
posted by fafnir at 6:46 PM
Monday, November 3, 2008
"Maybe global warming won't be so bad after all," says me. "Like maybe Bangladesh'll like bein underwater. If you think about it havin your country flooded is kinda like spendin every day at the beach!"
"Maybe it's a glass-half-full kinda thing," says Giblets. "Like scientists are always going on about how lots of people are gonna die from famine and disease. But you know what you never hear them talk about? How most of those people are complete strangers who probably suck." "Maybe we'll just haveta make a coupla lifestyle adjustments," says me. "In the wintertime, put on an extra sweater. In the summer, take off your skin and breathe through a spare atmosphere." "All we really need is some kind of simple technological solution," says Giblets, "like a garbage-powered weather machine or a synthetic source of God." "See, that's a great idea!" says me. "You should get to work on that." "Nah, Giblets is more of an 'idea man'," says Giblets pourin a tall frosty mug a coal. "Now that the concept's out there Giblets figures someone else'll work out the details." "What an exciting time for science!" says me. Labels: our world and how to kill it
posted by fafnir at 6:29 PM
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
"Maybe the glaciers aren't melting at all," says me. "Maybe it's just a coupla fat guys who keep tryin to go ice skatin at the same time."
"Maybe it's like that episode of the Twilight Zone where everybody thinks it's getting hotter but it's all a dream and outside the dream it's really getting colder!" says Giblets. "Boy, would we feel stupid then!" "Maybe God parked the earth out in the sunny part a the parking lot an once he gets back from the store an turns up the AC it'll all be back to normal," says me. "Sir, I find your ideas compelling and would like to give you a grant from the Exxon-Mobil Foundation," says Giblets. "What an exciting time for science!" says me. Labels: our world and how to kill it
posted by fafnir at 3:25 PM
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
As inconceivable as it sounds, Giblets is outraged yet again!
With fears mounting that high energy costs will crimp economic growth, President Bush called on Americans yesterday to conserve gasoline by driving less. He also issued a directive for all federal agencies to cut their own energy use and to encourage employees to use public transportation. ...The fool! This kind of environmental appeasement is just what the weather wants! If America caves on its proud tradition of oil gluttony it will just encourage more hurricanes! Then what will the clouds come for next? Our proud tradition of belching smog? Our rich and diverse output of greenhouse gases? When will it end! Fortunately Giblets has developed plans to keep America strong and oil-fat well into the future: SHORT TERM: suck oil out of neighboring countries's gas tanks while they're paying at the register MEDIUM TERM: explore new sources of oil in Alaska, Iraq, and the Moon LONG TERM: find more dinosaurs and lure them into tar pits to make more oil There you have it: a comprehensive strategy for energy dependence. Stay the course, America, or the environment has already won! Labels: our world and how to kill it
posted by Giblets at 7:19 PM
Thursday, June 9, 2005
There are precious few matters in the world which are black and white - at least, precious few matters which do not involve killing Arabs and banning icky gay people. In between there are a multitude of complex shades of gray, as in the question of global warming. Is the planet heating up, and if so, are we responsible, and if so, how many years should we spend humming loudly over anyone who informs us that we are responsible until we determine that we are not responsible?
Yesterday the New York Times revealed that a former lobbyist for the American Petroleum Institute and current chief of staff for the White House Council on Environmental Quality had made substantial edits to a series of reports on climate change in order to play down links between greenhouse gases and global warming. The usual leftist quarters are fired up again, calling for America to join a veritable science jihad, worshiping at the altar of fact when we've yet to hear what fiction has to say about the situation. One can't be too careful when deliberating over the shifting and byzantine web of confusion and doubt that is so-called "climate" "change." Whom should we believe: the unruly mob of every reputable climatologist on the planet, or the selfless sages at Exxon-Mobil? Uncertainty abounds, even among higher beings like the Medium Lobster. We must examine all sides of the issue, take input from all corners: from the side of science, and from the side of oil industry whores paid to lie about science. Someday, somehow, between these complex and opposing points of view, we may just find an answer.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:20 AM
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Here at Fafblog we consider ourselves to be first and foremost an educational institution1, and so in our ongoin efforts to inform the population we present to you a detailed summary of the latest additions to the Bush energy plan.2
Under the Bush Plan: Also Presented: The Democratic Counterplan 1. "Reduce". 2. Crack open the Strategic Petroleum Reserve and party like it's the low, low gas prices of 1999! 3. Burn out on week-long oil bender, wake up in own feces, abort drunkenly-conceived oil baby 4. Shame. 5. Rehab 6. "Reuse". 7. Recycle! 8. Oil can't be recycled. Please go back and start again. 1. Sit up, Harrington! And spit out that gum! Your uniform is a mess incidentally and I am writing of it to your mother. 2. Gafford that is utterly disgraceful. Report to the headmaster's at once. Labels: our world and how to kill it
posted by fafnir at 6:53 AM
Thursday, March 31, 2005
So a buncha pointy-headed sciencey types are all upset because we're "using up resources" and "destroying the world." Well, boo hoo hoo! Do you hear that sound, sciencey-types? It is the world's largest violin playing just for the exhaustion of our natural resources. The violin is made entirely of mulched rainforest and played by enormous smoke-belching engines of steel and concrete, standing a thousand feet tall in glorious tribute to the undying achievement that has been man's rape of the natural world! Tomorrow it will be scrapped and replaced with a newer, bigger violin with built-in wireless and dolphin-exploding capabilities. Excelsior, my children!
"Oh but Giblets we will run out of resources and the world will end and oh what will we do." You mean what will you do. Giblets doesn't need the world to last forever. He just needs it to last longer than he plans to use it. By the time the smog-choked Malthusian apocalypse comes Giblets will be long gone, either escaped in a rocket to Mars or happily expired in the midst of a gluttonous week-long oil binge. Those suckers from future generations can sweat it out trying to make a hemp-powered plane or edible plastic - serves 'em right for bein' born in the future! In the meantime there's only so much food, fuel, land, and water to go around, and Giblets is gonna use up as much as he can before any other Gibletses can get their grubby little hands on it! Fire up the engines! Pump up the nitrates! Giblets wants to stuff a panda full of coal just to watch it burn! And when future civilization does collapse into the dust of a ruined earth, where will all those good-hearted squishy sensible scientist types be? Dead, that's what. They will not last five minutes in the post-apocalyptic hellscape with their "conservationism" and their "respect for life" and their "zombie rights." It will take someone with the experience and amoral fortitude of a robber baron to bludgeon, plunder and cheat his way across the new American wasteland - someone like Giblets! Yes, Giblets and his people will proudly roam the last, reaping the dregs of the blasted, sun-scorched earth as the last chance for mankind's survival - and enter the realm of legends! They will call us strong. They will call us glorious. They will call us Republicans. Labels: our world and how to kill it
posted by Giblets at 9:16 AM
Monday, July 5, 2004
So it turns out that yesterday while everyone was out grilling bugers and watchin' fireworks and listening to their elderly relatives complain about "Oh Giblets my catheter bag is soooo heavy and painful" George W Bush went and gutted the Endangered Species Act by changing a ton of rules through which it's enforced. Which is funny, 'cause Giblets woulda thought he'd have done it on a day when people would pay attention, like Earth Day, when the president visited wetlands to talk about his environmental record. Giblets thinks a nice little announcement for this latest initiative might have involved the president shooting a condor in the head in the Rose Garden. This is why Giblets needs to be on Bush's media team.
The new rules take a more "optional" approach to the Endangered Species Act, replacing "enforcement" of existing laws with "incentives" that make it easier for you to "get away with killing protected species." Bush's Secretary of the Interior calls this "New Environmentalism," which is probably more accurately descibed as "Not Environmentalism." And Giblets for one thinks it is about damn time. Signed into law by notorious left-wing extremist Richard Nixon, the Endangered Species Act has long stood in the way of mankind's Manifest Destiny of throwin' every limited resource in the world into a big pile and settin' it on fire. Before if Giblets wanted to torch a hideous old-growth forest and replace it with a beautiful shopping mall, he'd have to make sure there wasn't some spotted owl or bald eagle or baby in there. But now it's burn, baby, burn! Giblets is pretty sure that anyone who cares about "endangered plants and animals" must be some crazy PETA person he can safely ignore, and to convince himself otherwise he would have to read big thick books about things like "biodiversity" and "ecological interdependence." Books are insolent! What Giblets is trying to say, in his studiously uninformed opinion, is species die, shit happens, get over it. It's not like it affects Giblets. Like everyone else I walk around in a self-contained hermetically-sealed suit of cyborg armor drawing as its power source an infinite source of energy, and am therefore unaffected by what happens to the outside world. Labels: our world and how to kill it
posted by Giblets at 4:11 PM
Friday, June 4, 2004
Giblets has finally seen The Day After Tomorrow, and he has to say, boy, am I relieved! Giblets was worried that this "global warming" thing might be real for a while there but clearly it is some sensationalistic crazy Hollywood thing, like UFOs, Bigfoot, and the Holocaust.
Polar ice caps melting? New York City slowly falling under an interminably rising tide? Giblets does not think so! Not when the CG effects on those giant tornados are so obvious. Giblets does not believe in the future extinction of thousands of plants and animal species, any more than he believes that Dennis Quaid can walk a glacier in a blizzard for two days and live! So out with the coal and greenhouse gases! Giblets has fossil fuels to burn and internal combustion engines to run in a consequence-free environment! Two percent of climatologists can't be wrong! Labels: film, our world and how to kill it
posted by Giblets at 5:37 PM
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