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Friday, October 31, 2008
Labels: haunted blog
posted by fafnir at 1:22 PM
Monday, October 31, 2005
 In a coffin in a castle under a bridge in the ol swamp down in the basement a the ol McMurphy place when the wind blows on a night just like this they say you can still hear the mad mad howling of the ghost pie. They say it's the size a ten mortal pies an it tastes like horror an pumpkin an the living dead an cinnamon an that time your one true love got turned to stone cause a that oath you swore to the devil an just a touch a nutmeg. If you hear the ghost pie wail at night you must run for your life or you will be baked and left to cool on a table by dawn. If you are bitten by the ghost pie you must coat yourself in lard and shackle yourself to a pie tin before the rising of the next full moon. If you see the ghost pie in front of you - hold on, is that the phone? Oh, it's for you, here you go, I'll wait. Oh no - it's the ghost pie! And it's coming from INSIDE YOUR HOUSE! Some say the ghost pie was a real pie once, until it was killed in a terrible tragedy by a jealous spouse or a rival pirate or a drunk driver on the night of its high school prom. Now it haunts the moor forever, lookin for a way to dispel its terrible curse. It is too dumb to figure it out, it's just a pie. So it yells a lot instead. "WOOOOOOOOO," says the ghost pie. If you see the ghost pie on the road, do not follow it. It will lead you to an all-night truck-stop with bad coffee an overpriced food. The directions you get there will be pretty confusing and'll just get you lost - spoooookily lost. You'll have to stop at a gas station to sort things out later. The gas will be very expensive. "Stupid ghost pie," you'll say. Labels: haunted blog, pie
posted by fafnir at 9:54 PM
 "Somewhere on this blog is a pig," says me. "A hidden pig.""No man can see it or know it or comprehend its incredible pigness," says Giblets. "It is the Enigma Pig! Behold it and despair!" "It is not the pig depicted to our right," says me. "The pig depicted to our right is just a substitute pig." "It contains fifty percent of the enigma of the true Enigma Pig," says Giblets. "Giblets scoffs at its lack of mystery!" "It's a pretty spooky pig I bet," says me. "With, yknow. Ghost oinking." "Oh yes," says Giblets. "And demon hooves." "We leave its discovery as an exercise for the reader," says me. "Oink," says the pig to our right. "Oink oink WOOOOOO!" Labels: haunted blog
posted by fafnir at 6:10 PM
Saturday, October 29, 2005
 "At the end a this sentence is a terrrrrrible vampire," says me. "A bloodsucking terror of the night!""He looks confused," says Giblets. "Is he broken? Are we cluttering up the house with another defective vampire?" "Well he's gettin pretty old now," says me. "His memory's goin. His back's real sore. He can't suck the blood of a innocent like he used to." "Blood is too spicy for his weary guts," says Giblets. "He is reduced to drinking organic vegan soyblood." "It comes in a hard plastic carton he can't bite through with his fangs," says me. "And he can't get it at the grocery store. He's gotta go across town to the Whole Foods once a week." "On the way he is forced to wear a tarp to block the accursed light of the sun," says Giblets. "The tarp is old and smells funny and is mocked by local peasant children." "The peasants don't come around to burn down his castle anymore," says me. "They just leave bags a flamin holy water on his porch when they get bored." "Every so often he will try to smite one with a cursèd fireball," says Giblets. "But the fireballs come out all old an tired an just float around talkin bout how fireballs used to be in the ol days," says me. "Those fireballs deserve our respect," says Giblets. "They fought in the Big War! They are the greatest generation of fireballs!" "Those were the kinda fireballs you got for a nickel an were built to last!" says me. "Where can Giblets get these amazing fireballs!" says Giblets. "You can't, they didn't last," says me. "Just like our broken vampire," says Giblets. "He is useless to Giblets! Let's send him back and get a real one!" "We can't, Giblets," says me. "He's protected by the Society for the Preservation of Historic Vampires." "Their covered bridges still haunt the land at night!" says Giblets. "WOOOOOOO!" Labels: haunted blog
posted by fafnir at 3:18 PM
Thursday, October 27, 2005
 "This post is possessed by Satan!" says Giblets. "He is the infernal lord of its subjects and predicates.""Yes very true," says me. "He twists the words into dark an spooky sacrilege like 'Here comes Satan!' an 'How bout that Satan' an 'What's up Satan?'" "What's up is Halloween, his fiendishly demonic invention!" says Giblets. "He stands at the gates of hell and holds in his clawed and burning fist the candy corn of the damned!" "The devil's most diabolical ally is tooth decay," says me, "and the gum disease gingivitis, the ten-horned beast, which is the second death." "The devil's greatest enemy is the byzantine labyrinth of intellectual property law," says Giblets. "To this day Thomas Edison is credited with the invention of Halloween AND the radio-powered toothbrush!" "Lucifer has never seen a dime from the multimillion dollar international evil industry," says me. "Wal-Mart an Pepsico make all the big money while he's the guy who's gotta get exorcised an tossed into pigs." "One day he will be exorcised from this post by a determined band of internet monks," says Giblets. "All trace of Satan will be removed entirely," says me. "All that'll be left is a coupla articles an prepositions." "Articles of the damned! Prepositions of the pit!" says Giblets. "All surviving words will be corrupted with the taint of helly toxins and unsuitable for mortal use without the expensive process of industrial wordcycling!" "There's no justice," says me. "Because there's Satan!" says Giblets. "WOOOOOOOO!" Labels: haunted blog
posted by fafnir at 6:06 PM
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
 "This blog is haunted," says me. "Haunted by the ghost of Ol Man Blog!""If you type his name into your address bar three times he'll jump out and kill you with his hook hand!" says Giblets. "Or send you to an error page, WOOOOOOO!" says me. "Years ago a group of unsuspecting teenagers tried to spend the night reading this blog on a dare," says Giblets. "And they mysteriously disappeared without a trace!" "You can still hear em on a cold lonely night way in the back a the archives," says me. "They're still goin 'Please change the colors they are so terrible'." "They say an axe murderer lived in this sentence once," says Giblets. "But he killed all references to himself." "Once when I was drivin I got lost in this dead link an I picked up a hitchhiker an she told me she was on her way back from the school dance an she needed a ride back to her mom's house an when I got to her mom's house she had mysteriously disappeared an her mom shockingly revealed that I had made this story up!" says me. "It's shocking because that's the kind of thing you just can't make up," says Giblets. "And yet you did!" "What more impossibly spooky things await us on this haunted blog!" says me. "WOOOOOOOO!" Labels: haunted blog
posted by fafnir at 6:17 PM
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