Monday, May 2, 2011

After years of groaning unemployment and morbid obesity, America has rediscovered its love of life by killing a thing. While the thing had killed other things, it had frequently killed the wrong kinds of things, in the wrong kinds of ways, and it was important, America felt, to kill it, along with several hundred thousand other things, to stress the point. "There is a long and honorable tradition of killing things in America," said the secretary of killing things. "But this thing did not kill things in the way that things are supposed to kill things. And so I am pleased to say that we killed it."

While killing this thing is an important victory in America's global war on things, America's fight to kill things will go on. "The killing of this thing does not mark the end of our effort to kill things," the president of killing things said in a special statement. "Things are still out there. We must - and we will - remain devoted to killing things, at home and abroad."

The thing's corpse has been decorated with the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Nobel Peace Prize, and will be married to Kate Middleton and Prince William this afternoon in an emotional public ceremony before being added to America's collection of things America has killed, which is known to include an impressive selection of Afghans, Iraqis, Pakistanis, Yemenis, Palestinians, Latin Americans, Vietnamese, Filipinos, African slaves, Native Americans and children of all ages.

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:44 PM




60 Comments:
sparking numerous spontaneous demonstrations of college-aged revelers chanting "KILL, KILL, KILL, KILL," in the streets.

i'm afraid of americans.
I was so hoping you'd have a post. The crowds in front of the White House: what? Who are these people?
by Anonymous Kathleen, at May 02, 2011 1:32 PM
A plague on all their houses. Fucking youth of America.
All of these events ultimately igniting a huge public debate about the potential falsification of the marriage license.
My close personal cyberfriend, Jonathan Schwarz of A Tiny Revolution, has an insight which should be shared with a wider audience, to wit

Lots of Americans were mad it took ten years for the government to kill bin Laden, but I think it was worth being extra careful to make sure no one else got hurt.



I wish to say that I am still here, and will still hang slavishly on every word you write. So, you know, feel free to keep those words coming. That is all.
That kill got us a 3x score multiplier for the next news cycle.
The Peace Laureate's on a roll. If he kills Donald Trump next, his re-election is all but assured.
I'm with Neil.
You can't make an omelet without killing a chicken, you know.
by Anonymous aa, at May 02, 2011 10:51 PM
This is why we need Fafblog, folks.
Are you sure that America killed a thing? Then where's the death certificate???
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 03, 2011 12:49 AM
The only thing required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.
And the only thing that will stop the war machine in our government is good people doing something.
I just haven't figured out that something yet.
GO AMERICA!! FUCK YAH!!
I think it's only natural that those who have lost friends and had friends personally suffer as a result of OBLs actions would feel a sense of satisfaction from the news of his death. I fall into that category, and feel the same way. That doesn't mean that I don't value human life. Quite the opposite.

I'm not out in the streets, chanting "USA! USA!". but his death was and is certainly a "yes!" moment for me. Had I been in NYC, I would've gone to the WTC, as a friend of mine lost their partner there, and so many other friends felt motivated by that act to go to Afghanistan and Iraq, when called. I didn't want either of those conflicts... but the fact remains that OBL's actions helped justify them, and literally millions suffered as a result.

OBL helped kill a lot of innocent people, while his own life displayed a remarkable lack of humanity and consideration for others. His ideology viewed even those who shared the same faith as justifiable pawns, to achieve his ends... which usually meant promoting hatred, fear, and discord around the world.

I'm glad that those I know who have suffered as a result of OBL's actions will finally get some sense of closure. Yes, a trial would've been nice, but the thing is, OBL had that option, and didn't take it. Instead, he was surrounded by armed guards who were under his orders to fire upon our troops... which they did, for 45 minutes.

He didn't surrender when he could've... and he could've and should've surrendered nearly twenty years ago, frankly. He had *lots* of options, over a very long period of time. He was behind the murder in NYC of the despicable Rabbi Kahane yt in 1990. He was involved with the bombing of the WTC in 1993 yt , which killed six people. The murder of 62 civilians in Luxor in '97 yt . The 1998 US Embassy bombings in Kenya yt and Tanzania which killed 250 people and injured over 5,000. And, of course, the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole yt .

There are people, both in the US yt and around the world yt who are glad to hear the news of Bin Laden's death. Not happy, perhaps... but finally vindicated, with perhaps some sense of closure, despite personal losses that don't go away.

No matter what your personal feelings on the matter may be, it's pretty safe to say that there are a whole lot of people out there who don't deserve to be judged for feeling differently than you.
by Anonymous markkraft, at May 03, 2011 10:21 PM
but everyone deserves to be judged! isn't that the AmericanHollywood Way?
[that was in jest. obviously. except the obvious is no longer the obvious and surreal suddenly seems totally plausible].

I'm With Neil! too. i love your words here and want more. though there is something charming about this post sharing screen space with the HUMANITARIANS OF THE YEAR post.

by the way, i found fafnir in an old library book and i almost swallowed my own tongue in excitement.
Do not be so surprised to find random humans celebrating a human death! We are, after all, members of the species that invented hate. That is an achievement so massive, so potent, we can be certain no oother bird or beast will equal it.
So ends another exciting episode in the continuing saga: Dying to Kill for The Profit.
Is this the end of The Global War on Terror?
Will the Patriot Act ever be annulled?
Do Wally and Selma ever see each other again?
Is this the final bye-bye bin Laden?

Tune in next week to find out!
But you Osama fans might do well to remember that villains who are missing - supposedly dead (aka buried at sea) have a way of turning up in sequels. (hint) Especially if it's a popular and profitable sequel. I'm just mentioning a well worn plot device here, kiddies. All I can really say is keep those cards, letters and donations coming in.
That's nice and all, markkraft, but who brings closure to the hundreds of thousands that've been killed, and are still being by the United States? Obama alone has already racked up a higher body count than Osama bin Laden. I trust that you support putting a couple bullets in his head, too?
by Anonymous Christopher M, at May 04, 2011 8:38 AM
I like this idea that what this has done is bring "closure" to Americans. It's like the Kubler-Ross stage they don't tell you about - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and massacring a million people you've never met halfway around the world.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 04, 2011 9:01 AM
Those of us capable of laughing out loud at the absurdities of the lies about mass murder (those of us who have that as one of the items in our behavioral repertoire, not necessarily our only or even our usual response) may well enjoy Jeff Huber's recent column. The nickname he uses for our President is new to me, and seems apt: Barry "The Rock" Warbomber, portrayed by actor Dwayne Johnson.


There's much, much more.

http://zenhuber.blogspot.com/2011/05/tuesday-preview-hang-em-high-comedy.html
So here's where all the asinine people who vilify America hang out. Good to know.

I particularly enjoy the claim that America has killed several hundred thousand people in this mess. Attributing to America all the deaths due to sectarian violence is just so classy. But the important thing is that you get to throw stones from your ivory tower and feel oh, so much better than the people who are responsible for keeping you safe.
by Anonymous Roy, at May 04, 2011 9:59 AM
Yeah, that's right, the American military is "keeping me safe" by killing and raping kids halfway across the world. Get your head out of your ass, Roy.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 04, 2011 10:02 AM
So "sectarian violence" just happened to appear out of nowhere in Iraq, right after the US military invaded and occupied the place, overthrew the government, destroyed the country's infrastructure, set up torture camps, and started arming certain sects to put down others?

When you get done spelling out EWE ESS AY at the top of your lungs, try reading some fucking history. The million dead in Iraq are nothing new for America: the three million dead in southeast Asia, the hundreds of thousands killed in Korea, in Japan, in the Philippines, the countless millions of Native Americans and Africans who died in slavery and genocide - this country was built on war, slavery, and genocide.
by Anonymous stras, at May 04, 2011 10:11 AM
Rape has been part of the mission of every military, Roy.

If we accept the radical premise that human beings born outside of this country's borders are still human beings, we can dispense with the notion that armed thugs trained and taught to massacre those human beings are following some just and higher calling, or are representing our interest in some way. There's no difference between dying at the hands of a Navy SEAL or a Predator drone than there is between dying in a street mugging or a suicide bombing - human is human, and dead is dead.
by Anonymous moose n squirrel, at May 04, 2011 10:32 AM
So here's where all the asinine people who vilify America hang out.

what, we're ALL here? ohai, guize!
markkraft -- I am accumulating examples of the use of the term "frankly" as a key marker of disingenuousness in the human character. Thank you for participating.

A 7th Kubler-Ross step: chanting in the streets while holdin a brewski.
by Anonymous Kathleen, at May 04, 2011 12:14 PM
Behold. On the third day I have arisen! I am the new messiah.
No. Wait.. Damn! I had the wrong book.
by Anonymous Zombie 'Sama bin Laden, at May 04, 2011 1:50 PM
This was done by The Department of Killing Stuff and Things Like That.
Excellent work!!!
Fucking youth of America.

LBJ took the IRT
And saw the youth of America
on LSD.
by Anonymous The Cast of "Hair", at May 08, 2011 2:23 AM
A MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR FORETHOUGHT WITH RESPECT TO HEAD EXAMINATION

I didn't watch the interview with Obama on 60 minutes last night, but when I reviewed the transcript this AM I had a thought. Obama pointed out how the U.S.'s moral superiority was shown by the care with which bin Laden's body had been disposed of, after he had been captured, and then summarily executed with gunshots to the head.


KROFT: Was it your decision to bury him at sea?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: It was a joint decision. We thought it was important to think through ahead of time how we would dispose of the body if he were killed in the compound. And I think that what we tried to do was, consulting with experts in Islamic law and ritual, to find something that was appropriate that was respectful of the body.

Frankly we took more care on this than, obviously, bin Laden took when he killed 3,000 people. He didn’t have much regard for how they were treated and desecrated. But that, again, is somethin’ that makes us different. And I think we handled it appropriately.



I recognize that hindsight is always 20/20, but notice how Obama is claimin' clear foresight here. The option of takin' bin Laden prisoner had been rejected. The plan for tossin' his corpse in the ocean was already worked out. Anyone who doubts whether bin Laden deserved his fate "needs to have his head examined." Given all this planning for likely eventualities, why couldn't they have planned to shoot him in the heart a few times, once they'd grabbed him, instead of in the head? The post-mortem pictures would have been much more presentable. It would have been much more feasible for bin Laden's head to have been examined. It's too late now, of course, but they ought to keep this in mind for the next Emmanuel Goldstein.
Mistah Charley, ph.d.,

OBL could not have been killed by a simple shot to the heart. Only a shot to the head with bullets made in the USA could end him. Furthermore, it would have been too dangerous to examine OBL's head, as it was filled with angry bees. Now it is filled with Hagfish.
Now OBL can enjoy the afterlife with other beloved personalities like: Joseph Stalin, Jerry Falwell, Darth Vader, Yasser Arafat, Thomas Jefferson, and Strom Thurmond
by Anonymous evil doer, at May 09, 2011 1:31 PM
This is why we need Fafblog, folks.
Obama was in sync with the U.S. public on this topic.The fact that watching Rambo kill unwanted foreign leaders was not part of the national character is disturbing, but it hardly matters now, because the U.S. is already operating at full psychological "kill" orientation. We have become New Sparta.
Frankly, Kathleen, America doesn't give a damn, as long as there is a righteous death at the end of each half hour of the broadcast day. We have become a culture that is mentally armed and ready at all times for some sort of unspecified combat.

"Frankly" and "in reality" and "to tell the truth" are just little jabs of anesthetic to ensure the listener won't feel a thing when the next gigantic lie is jammed into his or her brain.
Mistah Charley, I think the simplest explanation for a premeditated kill is that Bin Laden knew something the Obama administration wanted to keep secret.

It is sad that our leaders should be so ashamed of what they and others have done that they believe they have to resort to murder to keep those actions hidden. Such perpetual concealment must be a painful burden for some of them to bear.
Last night, I had The Conversation with The Child -- the one all adult Americans must have with their genetic leavings.

I advise The Child that if they were diligent, and worked very hard, and were thrifty; smart; and refrained from abuse of drugs, tobacco and The Sex; that one day they might have an opportunity to Kill A Thing.

The Child, who is (in the words of Lucca Brazi) a masculine child, reminded me that he might take the opportunity to join or Forces Of Defensiveness to fight in one of our many and future wars; and thereby have many chances to Kill Many Things. I told him to remember the words "Air Force".
Fafnir and Giblets and the Medium Lobster are sorely missed.
Ioz has apparently left the building. Who knows if it's good or bad?
Fantastic blog you have here sir. Hope to see more from you.

appellatesky.blogspot.com
Less than a year now to the next transit of Venus. Are you ready? I am!
by Anonymous aa, at June 16, 2011 1:40 AM
maybe there will be an interview with mitt romney, or michelle bachmann, or a jellyfish
Why would anybody interview Mitt Romney?
Why? Because the Repustlicans are cooking, and Romney will come in handy when it comes time, as it must, for them to grasp hot things.

They have an inbred inability to grasp the concept of hot things (possibly why they favor religions which insist on the coldness of money and frozen smiles), and they believe a Mitt could help.
I thank american is a group of the robbers, why don't deal with the events via the peace in worldwide. if so, Teflon Rod is the best end-result of them.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at July 02, 2011 5:55 AM
In the end why cant we all just get along?

Answer: American's want to eat us in burger form
'Depressed' Ferret Flees Siberian Circus

14 July 2011
The Moscow Times

A ferret has escaped a circus in the East Siberian city of Chita along with a monkey and a red-breasted parakeet — apparently because they all were feeling down due to bad weather.

"We believe the creatures have fled because of their depression — the rain in Chita just doesn't stop," the circus' art director, Zhanna Lazerson, told Interfax on Thursday.

"We found the monkey in a doghouse in the morning, and the two animals were cuddling in their sleep," she said. "But the search for the ferret and the parakeet goes on."

She said the escape has added to the animals' depression in the circus because the male parakeet was partnered on stage with a female parakeet who is now missing him.

The ferret is less missed, with Lazerson calling him a "terrible glutton, idle to the core."


Nevertheless, the troupe hopes that the animals will return to their circus home once they get really hungry.

Weather forecasts say the rain won't let up in Chita this week.
Soylent Green is People!

(Oh, come on; you knew this was next after the burger reference.)
You can Chita parakeet...
~
The sad fact is we aren't killing enough people. That's especially true when you do a dollar per body calculation as $700 billion give or take for the military against a few thousand bodies means it's costing us hundreds of million per. In these troubled budgetary times while few question the military's take there is a growing support for making those dollars pay off in the pleasure that mountains of bodies would provide to our depressed population. Nothing will take the sting out of our future of austerity like the certain knowledge that some damn foreigners are paying the price.
by Anonymous Mr Happy, at July 27, 2011 7:15 AM
But... but -- what about the Parakeet?

In a world where all America can manufacture are debt crises, and the voice of the Toad is heard throughout the land ("I say; Hoo-Hoo! Look out! Beep-Beep!!") -- why can't we all get along? What about the children? And why no thought for the Red-Breasted Parakeet?

Nothing takes the sting out of austerity like a Red-Breasted Parakeet. That, and and a replica fifth of Mackinlay's whiskey, as taken by Shackelton to The Pole.
IS OBAMA AN HONEST MAN?


Recently I wrote, at another blog, "Obama has always been in the pocket of the banksters and the war party". I was immediately and angrily denounced as a "firebagger." But another commenter, an idealistic and hopeful fan of our president, wrote to ask me, "Is it an illusion that Obama is an honest man? That's a huge part of his value, to me. I believe he is. I've never heard anything substantial to the contrary. Do you think he is bought? Any specifics?"

My reply:

"Do you think he is bought?" Maybe you've read Catch-22, by Joseph Heller. Ostensibly a World War II novel of the black comedy genre, it is more accurate history than they teach schoolchildren (according to what I've heard - I wasn't there - before my time). Yossarian tells the shrink, "Doc, they're trying to kill me." The shrink says, "No, no, my friend. They aren't trying to kill you. They're trying to kill EVERYBODY." Somehow, Yossarian is not reassured.

Similarly, I doubt you will be encouraged to learn that I don't think Obama in particular is bought - I think they're ALL bought.

But you ask for specifics. First of all, "you can observe a lot just by watching." In other words, behavior counts more than promises, expressed intentions, sympathies, common values, etc. etc. etc. So let's look at the behavior.

How is he doing on the civil liberties front, and the openness/transparency of government front? Read Glenn Greenwald at Salon.

How is he doing on the killing of foreigners front? Read antiwar.com.

How is he doing on prosecuting all the con men at the finest banks and investment firms, who enriched themselves during the great fraudulent mortgage boom? Read Yves Smith at nakedcapitalism.com.

How is handling our current economic situation? Here I can recommend going to very establishment figures - Paul Krugman, Robert Reich - as well as less mainstream figures such as Paul Craig Roberts and Michael Hudson.

How can such a handsome, friendly, well-educated, articulate man be a war criminal and a central cog in the machinery of the military industrial congressional financial corporate media complex, a conspiracy to use, abuse, and confuse the people, to "milk, shear, and slaughter the sheeple", metaphorically speaking? [Except that the metaphorical sheeple are, in fact, literally slaughtered.]

'Tis a puzzlement.
It's time.
That it is, P. Curtin.
and yet...
The time has come,
the time is now?
by Anonymous Marvin K. Mooney, at August 29, 2011 10:44 PM
Time Has Come Today

(Chambers Brothers-Long Version)with no cuts to song

'60s slide show

LOTS of cowbell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zfgoJzOCgg
As an investor the first rule I was taught was to buy death. Death is bullish because investing is the fruitless quest to deny death and the more death there is the more frenetic the fight against it.

As more and more investments go sour and perhaps $100 trillion is now 'invested' at zero percent investors are demanding the one thing that can turn this around. More death. There is a death shortage which is odd since there have never been so many people.

Get ready for the new bull market folks.
by Anonymous Mr Lucky, at September 02, 2011 8:54 PM
I say; we are now officially in double-secret overtime.
Was it something we said?
Something we did?
Something we...
..........................ate?
Hey! There's been another Killing Of Another Thing!

Period of Mandatory Happy© to follow. Swell with pride for your Native Land.

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